Lets just say that the trip there didn't go that well. Steve was super crabby by the end, I found out quickly that my husband doesn't do well under stressful "driving" situations, or course don't say a word about it or as a passenger, you only make things MUCH worse. Its Mrs Tom toms fault you know! :)
I never knew that cleveland was that big. It is a huge city. We had beautiful weather and I unlike my husband was in great spirits thanking the Lord for the excitement of the journey and what lied ahead. The city line was shining and so beautiful. I was having a great time listening to mrs tom tom.
NOT so much by the time we reached our hotel, recommended by a local for being affordable and very Cleveland clinic assessable. Note to self, NEVER go to a foreign city without having your hotel reservation FIRST. Why I didn't do this is beyond me and totally not like my character but hey, I have had enough on my mind. "Sorry, we are full" She goes to get a manager. He magically finds ONE last suite available of coarse it is double the price of the other rooms but steve and I both knew that after a long ride, we just wanted it to be done. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY HONEY.
After a terrible nights sleep, noises coming everywhere, mind just a racing, not tired....I woke up to the sun rising on the city line and it was magical and breathtaking. I went into the other room, started some coffee, and got on my knees and spent some time with the Lord, thanking Him to the start of a new sunny day. Then came the jitters....
I don't know why I was so nervous. It was like I was going to a major interview, got all dressed up, didn't feel like eating, just anxious...What if I put too much hope in this guy, what if he's mean, what if he treats us just like were crazy, will he be the One? Will he be able to help me? Whats he going to say? I seriously felt nauseous. Never felt like that before.
Check in to the 10th floor, one of maybe 20 huge buildings of the cleveland clinic, one of our friends in the van even came from Egypt! Appointment 9:30 arrival, 9:50 with him. Fill out papers, see nurse, take vitals, go over history, and wait....over an hour in the room, no magazines, heart racing with anticipation, I am going to go crazy!! FINALLY in comes the man. He sits down and looks at me and smiles "sorry for the long wait but as you can see (as he points to my file with over 100pages I faxed to him) I have had ALOT to read and I wanted to go over your images you took with you today. You young lady are VERY interesting. (smiling). Tell me, what do you want to get from me today? We talk, and then he says "I do NOT suggest or agree with U of M's decision and I would NOT get the surgery proposed. It is too invasive and risky of a surgery and from my research it has a 90% failure rate if you look at it long term. There is a reason that I USED to do that surgery 30 years ago and do NOT do it today." (GULP!!!) I have looked at all your things, I agree with the workup you have had hematologically and you obviously do not having a clotting disease, I don't even think you SHOULD be on anticoagulants especially now that you have bled. The risk is too high and we haven't proven you even have a clotting problem. I believe there is something wrong with your liver, it hasn't revealed itself to us yet what it is, but maybe down the road it will, I believe you need to have the TIPS shunt and I am not sure why U of M didn't do that the first time." We talked some more, about the treatments weve had, procedures not done and done and why. I cry, (why can't I go thru any dr appointment without crying!!! I laugh at this now b/c reading all my discharge papers and notes from drs it always says on EVERY one "patient became emotional") We agreed, felt confident, and now we need to decide. He left with a smile saying "good luck, you are just the type of case I love working on b/c you are very complicated and it gives me a challenge". Its what clevelands all about, someone once said, "we all want to be horses, but someone has to be the zebra." I REALLY enjoyed him and I could have hugged him with the tears in my eyes.
So I have ALOT of different opinions on this subject of "fixing" me and many have valuable considerations that we need to weigh and think about. I am not going to get any more or I think I seriously would drive myself crazy. Of coarse when you are in there everything sounds so great and your so confident that you just want to say "sign me up" but then after sitting back and thinking about it more, you get more and more confused and then doubt starts setting in and you have questions you wished you would have asked sitting in there and now what?
This I know. This man WROTE the book on my disease. He has over 30 years of research behind his knowledge and KNOWS the facts. He didn't say "maybe, or I think" He said " I KNOW, DO NOT do this, You HAVE to have this, in my opinion" That my friends makes all the difference. This is the man that has done his work, specializes in me and what I have, he has done the surgeries and knows what does and doesn't work and its backed by research, years of research. This procedure that he is suggesting is alot less invasive and less down time and less risky, and I don't have to live without a spleen, I like all that! I have the confidence that he is right and I WILL do what he says. WHEN? WHERE? (steve and I have kinda lost alot of confidence locally and if insurance will pay for it at cleveland, why not go where they are the BEST.) Like he said and we both know, I am a very complicated case, this is not going to be the traditional approach they would normally take to put a TIPS shunt in, I have no right portal vein and that means it has to go in the left, we don't even know how to get in my liver b/c of all the clots, we need an EXPERT driving the ship.
What about followups? Management? How will I know if its failing? How will my blood be filtered if it is bypassing my liver? What if this doesn't work whats our back up plan? What what what.......... LORD, slow me down, give me peace, you opened this door and I am going to follow. You have a plan for my life, my days have already been numbered, and I can only decide how I chose to live each new day you give me. Please calm my fears of the unknown, the what if's, and help me place my confidence in You alone. You created me a special way, complicated in all, and you will NEVER hear me complain for I am fearfully and wonderfully made by you. Amen.
oh ya, and the trip home: VERY SMOOOOOTH. Thats b/c momma was at the wheel and dad was out like a light next to me. Home in just over 4 hours. I promise I wasn't speeding....;) My passion: anything with wheels on it for those of you that don't know me that well! :) As pastor Don would say, She was just a purrrrring.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
HOPE, Following God's Lead
I look at myself today, and I CANNOT believe that I am the same person that I was 2 weeks ago. I guess in many ways I'm not. This disease has completely changed my life in every way, but so has every little bump, let down, disappointment, and even the days of joy. LIFE, you can say, has had a whole new meaning and the Lord has used each little phase of this to change me, mold me, and yes, Shape me into who he wants Lisa to be. Have I enjoyed it? At the time its happening I have great struggle I will admit, it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever gone thru in my entire life I hope, but if this is how HE wanted to change me into what He wants me to be, then I accept this struggle. I accept the hardships in life and face them with confidence knowing that HE is using it to HIS plan and HIS purpose.
This week was a great week. I look around my house and its almost empty...If you haven't heard, the Lord decided to send that "right" buyer our way a few weeks ago and we have to be out by the end of the month. PERFECT timing....ya right! Then a friend of mine said, maybe it was perfect timing b/c the Lord is going to heal you, your gonna have surgery, come home and get a new home, new life, new start, your going to be able to leave it ALL behind, just the way the Lord had planned. (sooo true!!! I am holding on tight to that outlook!!!) Sometimes I have to laugh b/c I wonder just how much more He thinks I can take. Sometimes I just throw my hands up and say "Lord, I could use alittle break right now, my life is on uncertain grounds, we don't know what we are going to do, where are we going to live?" We leave tomorrow, and you guessed it....My kids started throwing up tonight, fever, and now mommy has to leave. I have no choice, I feel terrible, it breaks my heart! NOW? I can't stay!
HOPE. One word with an amazing impact on your outlook, emotions, passion, excitement. I didn't realize how powerful that word was until this week. The Lord opened the door and led me to a Dr. that specializes in me. My disease, my varicose bleeding veins in my throat, my blood clots, my high pressure inside my body pumping fast thru veins that can't handle the flow. The mess of what my body has become. So many clots in my major veins that we don't have anything left to work with, except create a surgery just for me. When I think about the realness, the seriousness, and mess of it inside my belly it makes me tremble with fear....I could be dead at any moment, and yet I am still here..... I love the Lord with all my heart and soul, why do I have that fear? I DO want to see the Lord, I DO.
Just when I thought I was so strong, ready to stay put together and face my friends at church, my pastor had to leave me with the most powerful message, he was speaking right to me and I cannot tell you how perfect it was for the future, even the past, that I have faced. GOD'S LEADING IN OUR LIVES. How will you and I respond? When you throw those hands in the air and say, what do I do?
1. Remind myself that GOD is always with me, guiding me. He has NEVER left me and even in the midst of this strange disease and the Dr's throwing me around from one to the next b/c they just don't know, I am NOT alone. God has been there holding my hand every single step of the way.
2. He will use me, not as I was, but who I have become b/c of HIM. He is shaping me to HIS purpose, to make Lisa who he wants her to be, and really, isn't that all that matters? I WANT to be who the Lord wants me to be, and if it takes hardships to get there, so be it. I want to be that person not just during those times, not only when I am struggling, but ALL the time.
3. God leads us step by step alittle at a time....there are times he has said, wait, no, shut doors and opened them. GOD has a plan, today and always even when we don't see it or know why, He has the whole picture in his hands.
Can you see why I should have taken a WHOLE BOX of Kleenex into church this morning. I looked like a train wreck walking out of there, I was so emotional and moved that I could hardly breathe!! Little Mrs. Martins told me that Don had a great message for me this morning, but she didn't warn me that I would be pouring tears into my coat! PERFECT. God knew exactly what I needed today just like every day. Don, you gave me the perfect gift, the reminder and faithfulness that God has a plan.
He opened this door to cleveland and I know he won't stop there. What am I going to do when its all done? That my friends is where the fun begins! Its been going so long that I almost can't imagine life any other way, its become who I am...Dr appoints, hospital stays, blood draws, injections, tests, CT's, MRI's, biopsies, scopes, pain....What am I going to do? I am going to be putting my faith into action and its gonna be on fire people! I want serve Him in anyway that my life can bring glory and honor to HIM. Help others, be there, be the friend, help those that are sick, cheer up with meals, watching their kids when they need to take naps, soooo many options and sooo much to do!!!!!!! The Lord gave me a great year of running my first ever 5k's, and not only that but getting firsts, seconds, 3rd. Do I say that thinking I am awesome, no not one bit, I never imagined even placing! But when I finished, I could feel the Lord with me, He gave me the gift of health back and I was running for HIM, and no one else, I could care less if I finish first or last b/c I am alive people!!! I am alive b/c of HIM. I have running shirts being made right now b/c someday I will be back and on the back it will say "TO GOD BE THE GLORY!". That my friends is what it is all about. Who am I? Absolutely nothing without the grace and love of my awesome Lord.
Driving tomorrow with HOPE, with God's lead, to a future that the Lord holds in His hands.
This week was a great week. I look around my house and its almost empty...If you haven't heard, the Lord decided to send that "right" buyer our way a few weeks ago and we have to be out by the end of the month. PERFECT timing....ya right! Then a friend of mine said, maybe it was perfect timing b/c the Lord is going to heal you, your gonna have surgery, come home and get a new home, new life, new start, your going to be able to leave it ALL behind, just the way the Lord had planned. (sooo true!!! I am holding on tight to that outlook!!!) Sometimes I have to laugh b/c I wonder just how much more He thinks I can take. Sometimes I just throw my hands up and say "Lord, I could use alittle break right now, my life is on uncertain grounds, we don't know what we are going to do, where are we going to live?" We leave tomorrow, and you guessed it....My kids started throwing up tonight, fever, and now mommy has to leave. I have no choice, I feel terrible, it breaks my heart! NOW? I can't stay!
HOPE. One word with an amazing impact on your outlook, emotions, passion, excitement. I didn't realize how powerful that word was until this week. The Lord opened the door and led me to a Dr. that specializes in me. My disease, my varicose bleeding veins in my throat, my blood clots, my high pressure inside my body pumping fast thru veins that can't handle the flow. The mess of what my body has become. So many clots in my major veins that we don't have anything left to work with, except create a surgery just for me. When I think about the realness, the seriousness, and mess of it inside my belly it makes me tremble with fear....I could be dead at any moment, and yet I am still here..... I love the Lord with all my heart and soul, why do I have that fear? I DO want to see the Lord, I DO.
Just when I thought I was so strong, ready to stay put together and face my friends at church, my pastor had to leave me with the most powerful message, he was speaking right to me and I cannot tell you how perfect it was for the future, even the past, that I have faced. GOD'S LEADING IN OUR LIVES. How will you and I respond? When you throw those hands in the air and say, what do I do?
1. Remind myself that GOD is always with me, guiding me. He has NEVER left me and even in the midst of this strange disease and the Dr's throwing me around from one to the next b/c they just don't know, I am NOT alone. God has been there holding my hand every single step of the way.
2. He will use me, not as I was, but who I have become b/c of HIM. He is shaping me to HIS purpose, to make Lisa who he wants her to be, and really, isn't that all that matters? I WANT to be who the Lord wants me to be, and if it takes hardships to get there, so be it. I want to be that person not just during those times, not only when I am struggling, but ALL the time.
3. God leads us step by step alittle at a time....there are times he has said, wait, no, shut doors and opened them. GOD has a plan, today and always even when we don't see it or know why, He has the whole picture in his hands.
Can you see why I should have taken a WHOLE BOX of Kleenex into church this morning. I looked like a train wreck walking out of there, I was so emotional and moved that I could hardly breathe!! Little Mrs. Martins told me that Don had a great message for me this morning, but she didn't warn me that I would be pouring tears into my coat! PERFECT. God knew exactly what I needed today just like every day. Don, you gave me the perfect gift, the reminder and faithfulness that God has a plan.
He opened this door to cleveland and I know he won't stop there. What am I going to do when its all done? That my friends is where the fun begins! Its been going so long that I almost can't imagine life any other way, its become who I am...Dr appoints, hospital stays, blood draws, injections, tests, CT's, MRI's, biopsies, scopes, pain....What am I going to do? I am going to be putting my faith into action and its gonna be on fire people! I want serve Him in anyway that my life can bring glory and honor to HIM. Help others, be there, be the friend, help those that are sick, cheer up with meals, watching their kids when they need to take naps, soooo many options and sooo much to do!!!!!!! The Lord gave me a great year of running my first ever 5k's, and not only that but getting firsts, seconds, 3rd. Do I say that thinking I am awesome, no not one bit, I never imagined even placing! But when I finished, I could feel the Lord with me, He gave me the gift of health back and I was running for HIM, and no one else, I could care less if I finish first or last b/c I am alive people!!! I am alive b/c of HIM. I have running shirts being made right now b/c someday I will be back and on the back it will say "TO GOD BE THE GLORY!". That my friends is what it is all about. Who am I? Absolutely nothing without the grace and love of my awesome Lord.
Driving tomorrow with HOPE, with God's lead, to a future that the Lord holds in His hands.
Monday, February 7, 2011
EMOTIONAL, TIRED, AND PRAISING OUR LORD
As I am sure you can imagine, it has been a MAJOR emotional rollercoaster for me over the past week. There wasn't a single day that past that I could make it without stopping, sooo tired, taking a break, and catching a nap with my precious little lukester sleeping next to me. It was the best feeling in the world, watching his little fingers, flipping his pipeys from hand to hand (ya, I know he's old for them, but I don't care!), just staring at him and reflecting on all the joy he gives my life.
Doesn't help that I have hypothyroidism on top of this, diagnosed in the ER last week, which also makes you very tired.....I knew I was going to get that! Runs in my family so no surprise but just another med that I don't like to take along with the fact that it can make you physically lose your mind! Anyone with thyroid issues will understand.
Everyone keeps asking me, so now what? Whats next? I say, I don't know.....My primary told me that he didn't understand why I wanted a second opinion. Hmmmmm maybe b/c noone really knows what it is I have, and my liver surgeon even admited that he just started doing these surgeries since he met me 2 years ago.....I thought my GI was working on a referal to the Henry Ford hospital liver surgeon in Detroit. Today I found out that isn't true, they didn't even call my insurance, she said my primary has too. Well, thats not true, but I called my primary and like they said, when a Dr's office says they are going to take care of it, we assume they mean it and we don't pursue it. But she said just like everyone else has said for over a week now "we will work on it." Really? Are you? Isn't anyone going to help me???
I got my labs drawn today and was discouraged to find that my hemoglobin is dropping....am I bleeding again? I called my primary, they never called me back. So I sit and wait. WAIT. Wait for what, for me to die? I called my liver surgeon last week at U of M and told him to sign me up for the surgery. He said he wanted to do it this week Wednesday! Um...Ok I said. Steve put me in my place and said no, we need to wait.....again, I am thinking wait for what? For me to die??? What other option do we have? We have to do something!
Then I reflect on the week and I can see the Lords hand everywhere I look. My bleed, even my allergic reaction to the blood transfusion was totally PROVIDENTIAL. Think about it....My liver surgeon told me that I would need a blood transfusion when I have my surgery. If this never happened I would be inti bated, laying at UofM in the middle of a 6 hour surgery, sedated and medicated with who knows what, and NO one would know I was having an allergic reaction to the blood until I probably went into cardiac arrest. How would they have known what it was, what med or reaction I was having when I couldn't physically TELL them what was happening. They would have had to guess. I probably would have died. Now we can be prepared. All in the Lords hands even when we don't understand. Shoot, if I can make it through last week I can make it through anything!
I had a close friend of mine that I have been praying for for years, that doesn't know the Lord, text me that she prayed! Do you know how excited I was!!! If I have to sacrifice myself so that someone else can come and know the Lord like I do, I will! Someone else very special to me hasn't had a sip of alcohol since the day I went to the hospital! I had a household full of friends come for an afternoon to pack up my house and someone from church gave us a storage rental to put it all in!!
I tell you what, most of you know me well that are reading this and you know that I am very strong (WAS) willed and I am NOT one that asks for help. I have always been independent, I can do it, I am superwoman, super mom, go go go go go!!! This has humbled me in the most amazing way and I have opened my arms and accepted help, I have asked for people to help watch my kids, I have asked for meals b/c I can't do it! I am allowing someone else take care of me instead of forcing Lisa to do it all alone and I realize that is what we are all here for!! We need to support, love, and HELP one another b/c we are the hands of christ and that is what we are called to do! We don't have to do it alone! I am not alone and people actually want to help me, it makes me feel sooo overwhelmed with emotion that tears just stream down my cheeks.
The Lord is alive and is with me and I feel his love just surrounding me and it is amazing! This life is not all we have and its time that we all start realizing that as a society, who cares what you drive, what your house looks like, do you think God really cares? Who are you going to live for, God, or the people that you think care but really don't? Oh man am I getting preacherish tonight! :) Sorry but I just can't hold back the Lords movement in my life.
So, I went to work today! I didn't think I would make it, and yes, I cried (surprise!) and I was very tired, and getting very upset about the physicians that I thought cared, but don't seem to want to help. How do people get anywhere with rare diseases and how do you get insurance to listen? I need help people and I don't know where to go and no one will help me b/c no one knows what to do with me!!!! I was so sad.
THEN IT CAME.....driving home, I get a call from my cousin who of all things is a Primary care physician at the cleveland clinic. He says "Lisa, I talked to my friend today who is a liver surgeon here about you, your symptoms, his advice and he said that there is ONE man that you HAVE to see, a man that is older, dedicated his whole medical career to portal hypertension, the bleeding from it, why it happens, the cures, the fixes, which is better, researched for years the surgeries out there for it, absolutely every aspect of it and he will know, his name is ______." BUT he doesn't take new patients. He is retired from research and is the director of the cleveland clinic. BUT I called his office and they agreed to let you see him." OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!! Someone that knows and understands everything that I have!!! Someone that can help me!!! Someone that can guide me and give me direction!!! PRAISE THE LORD, tears were flowing out of my eyes again!!! People, friends, family....God has answered my prayer and I AM going to cleveland clinic to a man that knows everything about what I have, the ONE. The ONE I have been searching for. I may have to fight insurance to get there but I am going to fight every single day of my life till I get there, I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!! The Lord has a plan, He has my life in his hands and that gives me GREAT comfort. I love you all, keep those prayers coming! I am not close to done, I may have one foot in the grave already but I am not dead yet!
Doesn't help that I have hypothyroidism on top of this, diagnosed in the ER last week, which also makes you very tired.....I knew I was going to get that! Runs in my family so no surprise but just another med that I don't like to take along with the fact that it can make you physically lose your mind! Anyone with thyroid issues will understand.
Everyone keeps asking me, so now what? Whats next? I say, I don't know.....My primary told me that he didn't understand why I wanted a second opinion. Hmmmmm maybe b/c noone really knows what it is I have, and my liver surgeon even admited that he just started doing these surgeries since he met me 2 years ago.....I thought my GI was working on a referal to the Henry Ford hospital liver surgeon in Detroit. Today I found out that isn't true, they didn't even call my insurance, she said my primary has too. Well, thats not true, but I called my primary and like they said, when a Dr's office says they are going to take care of it, we assume they mean it and we don't pursue it. But she said just like everyone else has said for over a week now "we will work on it." Really? Are you? Isn't anyone going to help me???
I got my labs drawn today and was discouraged to find that my hemoglobin is dropping....am I bleeding again? I called my primary, they never called me back. So I sit and wait. WAIT. Wait for what, for me to die? I called my liver surgeon last week at U of M and told him to sign me up for the surgery. He said he wanted to do it this week Wednesday! Um...Ok I said. Steve put me in my place and said no, we need to wait.....again, I am thinking wait for what? For me to die??? What other option do we have? We have to do something!
Then I reflect on the week and I can see the Lords hand everywhere I look. My bleed, even my allergic reaction to the blood transfusion was totally PROVIDENTIAL. Think about it....My liver surgeon told me that I would need a blood transfusion when I have my surgery. If this never happened I would be inti bated, laying at UofM in the middle of a 6 hour surgery, sedated and medicated with who knows what, and NO one would know I was having an allergic reaction to the blood until I probably went into cardiac arrest. How would they have known what it was, what med or reaction I was having when I couldn't physically TELL them what was happening. They would have had to guess. I probably would have died. Now we can be prepared. All in the Lords hands even when we don't understand. Shoot, if I can make it through last week I can make it through anything!
I had a close friend of mine that I have been praying for for years, that doesn't know the Lord, text me that she prayed! Do you know how excited I was!!! If I have to sacrifice myself so that someone else can come and know the Lord like I do, I will! Someone else very special to me hasn't had a sip of alcohol since the day I went to the hospital! I had a household full of friends come for an afternoon to pack up my house and someone from church gave us a storage rental to put it all in!!
I tell you what, most of you know me well that are reading this and you know that I am very strong (WAS) willed and I am NOT one that asks for help. I have always been independent, I can do it, I am superwoman, super mom, go go go go go!!! This has humbled me in the most amazing way and I have opened my arms and accepted help, I have asked for people to help watch my kids, I have asked for meals b/c I can't do it! I am allowing someone else take care of me instead of forcing Lisa to do it all alone and I realize that is what we are all here for!! We need to support, love, and HELP one another b/c we are the hands of christ and that is what we are called to do! We don't have to do it alone! I am not alone and people actually want to help me, it makes me feel sooo overwhelmed with emotion that tears just stream down my cheeks.
The Lord is alive and is with me and I feel his love just surrounding me and it is amazing! This life is not all we have and its time that we all start realizing that as a society, who cares what you drive, what your house looks like, do you think God really cares? Who are you going to live for, God, or the people that you think care but really don't? Oh man am I getting preacherish tonight! :) Sorry but I just can't hold back the Lords movement in my life.
So, I went to work today! I didn't think I would make it, and yes, I cried (surprise!) and I was very tired, and getting very upset about the physicians that I thought cared, but don't seem to want to help. How do people get anywhere with rare diseases and how do you get insurance to listen? I need help people and I don't know where to go and no one will help me b/c no one knows what to do with me!!!! I was so sad.
THEN IT CAME.....driving home, I get a call from my cousin who of all things is a Primary care physician at the cleveland clinic. He says "Lisa, I talked to my friend today who is a liver surgeon here about you, your symptoms, his advice and he said that there is ONE man that you HAVE to see, a man that is older, dedicated his whole medical career to portal hypertension, the bleeding from it, why it happens, the cures, the fixes, which is better, researched for years the surgeries out there for it, absolutely every aspect of it and he will know, his name is ______." BUT he doesn't take new patients. He is retired from research and is the director of the cleveland clinic. BUT I called his office and they agreed to let you see him." OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!! Someone that knows and understands everything that I have!!! Someone that can help me!!! Someone that can guide me and give me direction!!! PRAISE THE LORD, tears were flowing out of my eyes again!!! People, friends, family....God has answered my prayer and I AM going to cleveland clinic to a man that knows everything about what I have, the ONE. The ONE I have been searching for. I may have to fight insurance to get there but I am going to fight every single day of my life till I get there, I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!! The Lord has a plan, He has my life in his hands and that gives me GREAT comfort. I love you all, keep those prayers coming! I am not close to done, I may have one foot in the grave already but I am not dead yet!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
IT HAPPENED....MY FIRST BLEED
I cannot begin to describe the events that have happened in my life over the past 5 days.....I believe I am feeling alot like those that go through a death or funeral and can't remember anything, it all feels like a dream or a fog, you don't remember seeing people, talking to them, nothing. Its like 5 days of my life were a dream.
Last week I had noticed that I was starting to lose blood, my stool if I must say was turning black, and no one would believe me b/c my lab values were somewhat "normal"....I continued to get weaker and weaker and yes Jillian, delusional huh? I was seriously losing it and her and I knew it. I kept calling my primary dr telling them that I was soo tired, I kept checking my own blood pressure and heart rate, and on Wednesday I even had my friends do an EKG on me b/c I thought I was dying and having a heart attack. On Friday we went to U of M and the whole way I prayed to the Lord that they would take me and admit me, find why I was getting weaker, I looked at Steve, held his hand and said that if I went home I thought I would probably die.
I laid on the table and told my liver surgeon that I was bleeding, he didn't believe me and told us to go home. I slept on the way there, back and 13 hours at night...By Saturday I could barely move, I couldn't take care of the kids, I didn't want to eat and started getting nauseous. I prayed and cried out to the Lord because I knew I was dying. I decided to get in the car, drop the kids off to grandmas and drive to the hospital refusing to leave till they found out what was wrong.
I needed a blood transfusion and had lost over 4 units of blood in a week. I wasn't bleeding fast, one the of the veins in my throat didn't rupture or I would be vomiting blood, but something, somewhere was leaking, probably since I had my veins wrapped on the 14th of January. My disease or whatever it is that I have, is progressing quickly and it is time to take a more aggressive approach. Once you bleed, I am probably going to bleed again. Thank the Lord for my good veins in my arms b/c I am sure that I have had over 30 blood draws and IV's in the past 4 days, we contemplated a pic line, and I am sure that if we had known I would be there that long, we would have done it. I am so used to my blood thinner injections whats a few more pokes huh? When you are at the lowest you could be, you really don't care what they do to you b/c you become numb to it all.
Then wouldn't you know it, I had an allergic reaction to the 2nd unit of blood!! I never knew you could have that. I was in the ICU and within 10 minutes of the 2nd unit, I felt the blood entering my lungs, I could taste it, my chest was tight, I got a rash all over my body and my legs started going numb....I started hyper ventilating I was sooo scared. I kept calling out to the Lord to hold my hand, looking at Steve and trying to calm myself down telling myself that I could make it, that I was in a good place, that they would help me. You can imagine the nurses, dr's, everyone running around with panic...injecting me with with tons of medications to stop the reaction. My poor mom and husband watching it all go down, watching me die. It was horrible, a complete nightmare. After about 10 minutes I became stable, and then I was out, out for the night.....
Anyways, they did a scope on sunday and couldn't really tell where I was bleeding from but I did stop. They stopped my blood thinners the second I arrived and they knew what was happening and my blood levels were coming back up. They wrapped 5 more veins in my throat. I have had consults now with the interventional radiologists on what to do, my liver surgeon at U of M, and GI dr. Everyone has a different opinion and no one knows for sure what is best to do but we all know we have to do something. It was soooo frustrating being in the hospital when the very Dr's that know everything about me didn't even know I was there! They are the only ones that can help me and no one would tell me what was going on b/c no one there knows! Steve called my liver surgeon and was ready to chew him out and trust me, that guy felt like crap when he found out I was in the ICU with a blood transfusion, he couldn't believe it! It is VERY complicated. The "tips" shunt in the liver might not be possible b/c of all my clots, and if we do the other, it might not work or reclot and then we don't have any veins in my abdomen left to do anything else.....Some are only temporary, some have never been tried on a person my age and we don't know how long it will last.
We are working on getting more opinions, wherever it may be, I really don't care, I just need someone to help us. Steve and I finally started begging the Dr's to help us, if they don't know, help us find the people that DO know. We don't know what to do! I dont' know where that expert is, I need my dr's to tell me and they aren't even talking to us. So for now we wait....I have blood draws every day, I will get my veins wrapped again on the 15th, and hopefully by the end of the month I will have the next plan. Today I FINALLY got to talk to my GI dr, the girls in the office wouldn't let me talk to him when I tried to call from the hospital....He FINALLY acted sincere and like he cared and reassured us that he would help us find the person to go to. He obviously doesn't have a crystal ball and I realize that, but he thinks we have time for a second opinion. I know how it feels to bleed now, so if it happens again, we know what to do and everyone at Metro knows us now and they will now know what to do too.
Thank you to everyone for praying for me. I have lived the last few days in a dream fading in and out, and that is when I need your prayers the most b/c I can't. I KNOW the Lord is with me and I know He is sad to see me suffering like this, and He cries with me too. He is all that I have to get me through this, I honestly don't know what people do that don't have the Lord in their life when they have hardship come into their lives....I couldn't do it without Him. I cling to His promises, He has a plan, He has my life in His hands and that is my only comfort. People ask me what they can do? I don't even know what to say b/c all I can do is focus on one day at a time! I have soo much to think about that I don't even know where to begin. I am trying to regain my strength so that I can fight the next battle. Please, keep praying, I cannot tell you how much it means to me. Thank you sooo much for all your love and support,
Lisa
Saturday, January 29, 2011
MAJOR DECISIONS
I pause before I begin this, not even sure where to begin....We had a consult on thursday and he gave lots of options (shunts, bypasses, venous reconstruction) all with negatives, some only last for a few years and need to be redone, some reclot and some don't work, some cause mental problems (I don't need to be any more crazy:) some might not even be possible b/c of all the clots I have inside. Unfortunately you are grey and there is no black and white with your case. We don't see this and we don't know why. Its not, oh, your Gallbladder is bad, it needs to come out. We don't know the answer. "Lets see what U of M has to say."
Wake up at 5am to head to U of M. I am sooo tired, so anxious, all I could do was pray the whole way. In a way, I was hoping they would admit me right then and there and just do something! I even had a bag packed in case I wouldn't be coming home. Mike (a world reknown liver transplant surgeon and close to my age! isn't that insane!) walks in, we hug. Hes a great guy and I have TREMENDOUS respect for him.
He pulls up my CT, looks at the ultrasound, and says....Heres my thoughts. I consider myself a Dr that doesn't jump right into surgery and tries alternative approaches first. When you came to me 2 years ago, we didn't know what the problem was and we tried cleaning the clot out, put you on blood thinners, and hoped for the best. That didn't work. The fact that you reclotted on blood thinners tells me something else is going on. We need to do something different, something more permanent, you have a "plumbing problem". Your blood system is like a pond, not a river. When you have a pond, things eventually start to grow in it and get all gungky. If it were a river, you wouldn't have that b/c things would keep moving.
I want to take your spleen out, connect the splenic vein to the renal vein (kidney) and create a shunt to bypass the new clot and relieve the internal pressure. I think this will cure you. I don't think you have a blood disorder, you have a flow problem. Why? We don't know....Maybe from pregnancy, maybe from your colon removal surgery (I had when I was 20). IF we do, it might reclot we don't know, I would keep you on blood thinners for maybe 2 years and if nothing, hopefully we can take you off them. The fact that your on that much blood thinner for the next 50 years potentially, your gonna have something happen just from that, I would like to get you off them. If it clots, we have taken away alot of options for future surgeries and procedures b/c then most of your veins are gone. You need an echo on your heart to make sure you can handle the surgery, immunizations for infections that people without spleens cannot fight, CT's to map your vessels, another ultrasound, we would cut you open from top to bottom, the surgery would take at least 6 hours and you would be in intensive care for at least 2 nights and in the hospital for 1 week. For 6-8 weeks after you cannot drive, you cannot work, you cannot be super mom. If you ever have a fever of 100 you need to go to the ER every time for life. Infections are the problem and what kills patients without spleens b/c they cannot fight them.
I am probably the only Dr in all of the midwest that does these types of surgeries. I found out that IS true, no one does it in michigan thats for sure.
He left the room and gave us time to think about what he said.
Steve and I just stared at each other....Me crying of coarse. We didn't even know what to say. In a way I was relieved to know that this could be the fix for life!! No blood thinners, I could actually be done with this all! Oh my word, I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that would be. But the big thing is his words "I THINK". If it didn't work, we would be screwed.
We left, not agreeing to anything, and told him that yes, we agree he is probably right, but we don't want to be "80%" sure, we don't want to know we are guessing. I called the Dr's from Thursdays meeting and he told me that if it were him and his wife, he would get a second opinion. Head to Cleveland, Mayo, Chicago, wherever that BEST vascular surgeon is and find him. If he agrees, then we know that we have 2 TOP brains thinking on the same page and we do it. BUT he also said, be prepared for a totally different opinion and then you are even more confused. Where do we go? He is going to help me find that 2nd opinion and asap steve and I will be heading there.
I went to bed last night at 8:30! Slept till 8:30am! Ya, mental R&R. I feel better today, I have millions of thoughts running through my head, don't know what to think or feel really.....My only comfort is knowing that the Lord has a plan. He is with me, He doesn't want to see me like this, He is going to help me get through it and give me the strength and help carry me, and I know that I will see Him if I am to leave this world.
Wake up at 5am to head to U of M. I am sooo tired, so anxious, all I could do was pray the whole way. In a way, I was hoping they would admit me right then and there and just do something! I even had a bag packed in case I wouldn't be coming home. Mike (a world reknown liver transplant surgeon and close to my age! isn't that insane!) walks in, we hug. Hes a great guy and I have TREMENDOUS respect for him.
He pulls up my CT, looks at the ultrasound, and says....Heres my thoughts. I consider myself a Dr that doesn't jump right into surgery and tries alternative approaches first. When you came to me 2 years ago, we didn't know what the problem was and we tried cleaning the clot out, put you on blood thinners, and hoped for the best. That didn't work. The fact that you reclotted on blood thinners tells me something else is going on. We need to do something different, something more permanent, you have a "plumbing problem". Your blood system is like a pond, not a river. When you have a pond, things eventually start to grow in it and get all gungky. If it were a river, you wouldn't have that b/c things would keep moving.
I want to take your spleen out, connect the splenic vein to the renal vein (kidney) and create a shunt to bypass the new clot and relieve the internal pressure. I think this will cure you. I don't think you have a blood disorder, you have a flow problem. Why? We don't know....Maybe from pregnancy, maybe from your colon removal surgery (I had when I was 20). IF we do, it might reclot we don't know, I would keep you on blood thinners for maybe 2 years and if nothing, hopefully we can take you off them. The fact that your on that much blood thinner for the next 50 years potentially, your gonna have something happen just from that, I would like to get you off them. If it clots, we have taken away alot of options for future surgeries and procedures b/c then most of your veins are gone. You need an echo on your heart to make sure you can handle the surgery, immunizations for infections that people without spleens cannot fight, CT's to map your vessels, another ultrasound, we would cut you open from top to bottom, the surgery would take at least 6 hours and you would be in intensive care for at least 2 nights and in the hospital for 1 week. For 6-8 weeks after you cannot drive, you cannot work, you cannot be super mom. If you ever have a fever of 100 you need to go to the ER every time for life. Infections are the problem and what kills patients without spleens b/c they cannot fight them.
I am probably the only Dr in all of the midwest that does these types of surgeries. I found out that IS true, no one does it in michigan thats for sure.
He left the room and gave us time to think about what he said.
Steve and I just stared at each other....Me crying of coarse. We didn't even know what to say. In a way I was relieved to know that this could be the fix for life!! No blood thinners, I could actually be done with this all! Oh my word, I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that would be. But the big thing is his words "I THINK". If it didn't work, we would be screwed.
We left, not agreeing to anything, and told him that yes, we agree he is probably right, but we don't want to be "80%" sure, we don't want to know we are guessing. I called the Dr's from Thursdays meeting and he told me that if it were him and his wife, he would get a second opinion. Head to Cleveland, Mayo, Chicago, wherever that BEST vascular surgeon is and find him. If he agrees, then we know that we have 2 TOP brains thinking on the same page and we do it. BUT he also said, be prepared for a totally different opinion and then you are even more confused. Where do we go? He is going to help me find that 2nd opinion and asap steve and I will be heading there.
I went to bed last night at 8:30! Slept till 8:30am! Ya, mental R&R. I feel better today, I have millions of thoughts running through my head, don't know what to think or feel really.....My only comfort is knowing that the Lord has a plan. He is with me, He doesn't want to see me like this, He is going to help me get through it and give me the strength and help carry me, and I know that I will see Him if I am to leave this world.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
TIME TO MOVE AND FIGHT!
I will admit it, I have really struggled this time. I have grieved more this time around than the first, or second. Maybe b/c I know that we haven't resolved anything like I thought, maybe b/c I know the pain that is to come and I am fearful of going through it again, or maybe b/c I realize that I am no better today than I was 2 years ago and I thought I was. I am not sure but boy has Satan had a hayday tearing me down. I think I cried all day this past Thursday and I was at work too! My surgeon from U of M sent me an email the night before saying that he had talked to my GI Dr. and to anticipate and plan for surgery. Thats all it said. No details, no this is what I am thinking, just the words Surgery.
So on my way to work I was talking with God, praying, and we had an amazing time together, the songs that came on my radio were like He was talking right to me! Even the songs from my blog came on! It made me cry even more b/c I knew and could feel He was with me and talking with me.
Satan has been putting so much doubt, fear in my head but I think I am over it now. Today I am ready to fight. I am ready to hit this head on and I KNOW that God is going to help me through it. There is No doubt in my mind that I can do this....I have done it before, and I am ready to do it again. I have cried enough and I am only going to look up, the Lord has me in his hands, I know he has cried and grieved with me, and we are going to do this!
I had an Ultrasound on friday revealing that most of the main blood vessels ARE flowing in the right direction. (this is good) BUT I have soooo many veins that are NOT supposed to be there, those new veins created to go around the clots, and those are the ones flowing in the wrong direction (not good). I have tons of clots, some of my vessels will never be open again. One of my lobes of my liver is almost gone, but the other one has grown bigger to compensate for the loss of the other. My spleen is getting even bigger! It is huge! Couldn't even fit it on the screen for measurement but we think it is over 21 cm, it was 18 last time, categorized as Extreme splenomegaly. (not good)
Game plan: Thursday I meet with the interventional radiologists from Spectrum/Metro/Holland and they will discuss what they think we should do. I am thinking that my liver surgeon wants to put a liver shunt in me like we had talked about before, but I want 2nd opinions. I am not having nothing done until we ALL feel confident about it b/c I don't want to just "guess" at the fix and suffer lifelong consequences for a bad decision. I was supposed to get one of those shunts before but that Dr wouldn't do it. Why? If he didn't, why do I want one now?
Friday I meet with my surgeon at U of M. He sent me another email after the results of the Ultrasound and says he has a "plan".
So I am excited for what the week has in store. Exploring the options, hearing what everyone out there is thinking. Maybe getting some answers. I may still go to Mayo with my case, we will see.
Till then, I am living one day at a time, loving my little bundles of JOY, thanking the Lord for each new day and giving God the glory for all the blessings in my life! Someday, this will all be a distant memory...................I praise you Lord for I am wonderful and fearfully made, even if I am "complicated" :)
So on my way to work I was talking with God, praying, and we had an amazing time together, the songs that came on my radio were like He was talking right to me! Even the songs from my blog came on! It made me cry even more b/c I knew and could feel He was with me and talking with me.
Satan has been putting so much doubt, fear in my head but I think I am over it now. Today I am ready to fight. I am ready to hit this head on and I KNOW that God is going to help me through it. There is No doubt in my mind that I can do this....I have done it before, and I am ready to do it again. I have cried enough and I am only going to look up, the Lord has me in his hands, I know he has cried and grieved with me, and we are going to do this!
I had an Ultrasound on friday revealing that most of the main blood vessels ARE flowing in the right direction. (this is good) BUT I have soooo many veins that are NOT supposed to be there, those new veins created to go around the clots, and those are the ones flowing in the wrong direction (not good). I have tons of clots, some of my vessels will never be open again. One of my lobes of my liver is almost gone, but the other one has grown bigger to compensate for the loss of the other. My spleen is getting even bigger! It is huge! Couldn't even fit it on the screen for measurement but we think it is over 21 cm, it was 18 last time, categorized as Extreme splenomegaly. (not good)
Game plan: Thursday I meet with the interventional radiologists from Spectrum/Metro/Holland and they will discuss what they think we should do. I am thinking that my liver surgeon wants to put a liver shunt in me like we had talked about before, but I want 2nd opinions. I am not having nothing done until we ALL feel confident about it b/c I don't want to just "guess" at the fix and suffer lifelong consequences for a bad decision. I was supposed to get one of those shunts before but that Dr wouldn't do it. Why? If he didn't, why do I want one now?
Friday I meet with my surgeon at U of M. He sent me another email after the results of the Ultrasound and says he has a "plan".
So I am excited for what the week has in store. Exploring the options, hearing what everyone out there is thinking. Maybe getting some answers. I may still go to Mayo with my case, we will see.
Till then, I am living one day at a time, loving my little bundles of JOY, thanking the Lord for each new day and giving God the glory for all the blessings in my life! Someday, this will all be a distant memory...................I praise you Lord for I am wonderful and fearfully made, even if I am "complicated" :)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Post Vein Wrapping....Can't sleep
Its 1am and I cannot sleep. The nice thing about the memory at least my lack of it, is that I don't remember being in this much pain last time but Steve does. I had my scope today to see if there were any veins in my throat and there were. Lots of them, Scary big and ugly, says Dr. Serini. When he says that, you know its not good. He had no choice he says but to start wrapping them. They wrap them b/c when they get big like that, they can rupture/hemorrhage, and mine are even getting red walled markings meaning those walls are very thin and it could happen at any time. Scary if they do obviously b/c I would start vomitting blood and I could die b/c I am on blood thinners at the same time.
I woke up from sedation and immediately knew that he had done something. I looked at the pictures and just cried. It looked so "pretty" just 9 months before, how can this all be happening again!!!????
I mentioned Cancer in a Facebook post earlier this week, No I don't have cancer, and I am VERY thankful to the great Lord that I don't, Trust me, I see it every day I am at work and there is nothing that breaks my heart more. But when people have cancer, they find out what kind, what to do about it, get a game plan, meet other friends that have that same kind of cancer to share thoughts, tears, joys and fears. I can't. No one knows whats wrong with me. No one knows how to fix it. Seems like we just keep putting band aids on me to hope I get by....Some say take your spleen out(its still huge!), some say its a clotting problem but we don't know which, some say its a flow issue and things dont' flow in my belly as fast as they should and this makes my blood clot, some say put shunts in the liver to make it flow faster, some raise their hands and even admit "I don't know." Is there anyone out there like me? It feels so lonely when you have no one to talk too b/c honestly no one understands how it feels when they don't know whats wrong with you or how to fix you......
I can see how Satan tries to bring me down. Health, or lack of it, can DEFINITELY play with your emotions BIG time. As some of you know, sometimes I just can't talk about it, sometimes I just start crying, somedays I am great and fine. Sorry to all of you that have caught me on my "bad" days :) Its really nothing you say or do, its just one of my "off" days and I am trying to be better at this and I am trying my hardest to be as positive as I can.
What now? I don't know. I have to go back to my hematologists and tell him the news, I have to talk to my surgeon at U of M and tell him the news, I am on double the blood thinners and go in a month to get more veins wrapped.
We will make it through this......Someday and somehow....All I can say is the Lord has a plan, He is holding my hand and I am sooo much better because I have Him with me. Thank you soooo much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, emails, you have no idea how much it means and I truly love all of you.
I woke up from sedation and immediately knew that he had done something. I looked at the pictures and just cried. It looked so "pretty" just 9 months before, how can this all be happening again!!!????
I mentioned Cancer in a Facebook post earlier this week, No I don't have cancer, and I am VERY thankful to the great Lord that I don't, Trust me, I see it every day I am at work and there is nothing that breaks my heart more. But when people have cancer, they find out what kind, what to do about it, get a game plan, meet other friends that have that same kind of cancer to share thoughts, tears, joys and fears. I can't. No one knows whats wrong with me. No one knows how to fix it. Seems like we just keep putting band aids on me to hope I get by....Some say take your spleen out(its still huge!), some say its a clotting problem but we don't know which, some say its a flow issue and things dont' flow in my belly as fast as they should and this makes my blood clot, some say put shunts in the liver to make it flow faster, some raise their hands and even admit "I don't know." Is there anyone out there like me? It feels so lonely when you have no one to talk too b/c honestly no one understands how it feels when they don't know whats wrong with you or how to fix you......
I can see how Satan tries to bring me down. Health, or lack of it, can DEFINITELY play with your emotions BIG time. As some of you know, sometimes I just can't talk about it, sometimes I just start crying, somedays I am great and fine. Sorry to all of you that have caught me on my "bad" days :) Its really nothing you say or do, its just one of my "off" days and I am trying to be better at this and I am trying my hardest to be as positive as I can.
What now? I don't know. I have to go back to my hematologists and tell him the news, I have to talk to my surgeon at U of M and tell him the news, I am on double the blood thinners and go in a month to get more veins wrapped.
We will make it through this......Someday and somehow....All I can say is the Lord has a plan, He is holding my hand and I am sooo much better because I have Him with me. Thank you soooo much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, emails, you have no idea how much it means and I truly love all of you.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
2010 FAVORITE PHOTOS/ MEMORY HIGHLIGHTS
This was the best year of my life. I can say it was the first year I was truly ALIVE. I woke each day trying to live it to its fullest, not worried about all the trivial things in life and realizing how faithful the Lord has been to me. We went camping about 3 weeks to the conference grounds and Holland, we stayed in a cottage at the conference grounds with my sisters and mom, we stayed in a cottage at Brooks lake with all of the Jongsma family. We took 3 trips to Detroit to see Angie, Mark, Devon and Carson, this will be their last year stationed there in the Coast Guard. Steve and I finally got to go to the Dominican and it was sooo relaxing (we were forced to cancel due to my health the year before). We LOVE the outdoors, camping in our trailer mostly to the conference grounds b/c there is sooo much for the kids to do there with bible school pools and the lake. Karlie learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels, dad loves dirt biking on snow or not, running (moms first year of running real races and even took home medals, 5 in all!! Still cant believe it) I cannot tell you enough how much this year meant to me and how awesome it was...Life has a new meaning, family, friends, all took a new perspective and it was a great year!!!
SUMMARY AS OF JANUARY 6, 2010
Today I feel really positive and good. Some days, I am more emotional....Sorry to those that I have just cried before you even start talking. I don't know why. Overall, I think I am doing good. Its b/c this isn't the first time and the more it happens, the more prepared I am, and I know what it means, I know how to fix it, but its still hard....
I think what makes it the most hard is not knowing. What is it? Why did it happen? Obviously there is something wrong with my body but no one knows why. It "just happened". My friend Dr at work said, "I am not at all surprised that you clotted again". Really? And hes right, I have heard it before, once you clot a vein, it has a high tendency to clot again, its damaged goods. Sweet!
My clots are what comes first. But its what these clots do to me thats the problem! My Gallbladder is damaged, my spleen is HUMONGOUS, one of my lobes of my liver is now gone b/c a permanent blood clot has destroyed the veins going to that lobe. Thank goodness your liver regenerates itself and my left lobe has now grown to compensate. Then the big risk is those "VEINS". When I say that, I mean the huge, ugly, varicose veins that have been created by my body to get around these clots and like going around my stomach and esophagus. These "veins" aren't supposed to be there. They are not the ones clotted, they are a major highway that my body has made in defense to get the blood it needs from somewhere else. Isn't it just AMAZING!!!! I am sooo mind-boggled when it comes to how the Lord made us. These "veins" scare the crap out of me to be completely honest. I don't feel them, I don't know when they are there, but if they are there, that means I have a "clogging" problem going on and things aren't flowing well and these "veins" could hemorrhage the bigger they get. This morning I started coughing up blood clots....Coincidence? Maybe. Is it b/c they increased my blood thinner? maybe. Are they those "veins" leaking? Maybe. IF they leak or burst, I could easily die. I will never forget the words of my awesome Dr. Serini "if you do nothing about them, within one year you will die". Why? Think about it. How are you going to stop ruptured veins inside of you? Its not like you can put a bandaid on them. You can't put pressure on them inside your throat. (well there is a helmet in the ER's I have discovered with a huge tube they would put on me and insert the tube to inflate and push against my throat) Can't you just picture me with a football helmet on laying in the ER....Eeeewww! That scares the crap out of me just thinking about it!!!
So, we will see. Back to 2 injections daily for life, I knew that was going to happen. I am awaiting my Dr Serini to call me today I hope, to get me into that office asap so we can see if there are those "veins" in there! And if they are, lets start wrapping them! Steve and I want to go on vacation to the Dominican, I haven't booked it yet, b/c last time I did, Dr. Serini told us not to go b/c my veins were too big and I needed to be within 5 min. of a hospital....Your not going to see me going anywhere until I know what those veins look like. So, hopefully its soon. I HATE getting them wrapped b/c it hurts for days and I can't eat. But I don't have any choice so I try not to complain.
You all know me, I am a strong little cookie. I am thankful each and every day that it is me, not someone else, and especially not my kids. Cancer is a reality in my eye every single day I go to work. I am alive, what I have is livable, and I thank the Lord every day that it is this and not that. God has been so good to me through all this. He has shown himself to me, made my marriage 10xs stronger, made me closer to my patients, more serving to others, more appreciative of my life, my health, made my faith alive, and if my sickness is what it takes to make all of that happen, then I would do it all over again.
I think what makes it the most hard is not knowing. What is it? Why did it happen? Obviously there is something wrong with my body but no one knows why. It "just happened". My friend Dr at work said, "I am not at all surprised that you clotted again". Really? And hes right, I have heard it before, once you clot a vein, it has a high tendency to clot again, its damaged goods. Sweet!
My clots are what comes first. But its what these clots do to me thats the problem! My Gallbladder is damaged, my spleen is HUMONGOUS, one of my lobes of my liver is now gone b/c a permanent blood clot has destroyed the veins going to that lobe. Thank goodness your liver regenerates itself and my left lobe has now grown to compensate. Then the big risk is those "VEINS". When I say that, I mean the huge, ugly, varicose veins that have been created by my body to get around these clots and like going around my stomach and esophagus. These "veins" aren't supposed to be there. They are not the ones clotted, they are a major highway that my body has made in defense to get the blood it needs from somewhere else. Isn't it just AMAZING!!!! I am sooo mind-boggled when it comes to how the Lord made us. These "veins" scare the crap out of me to be completely honest. I don't feel them, I don't know when they are there, but if they are there, that means I have a "clogging" problem going on and things aren't flowing well and these "veins" could hemorrhage the bigger they get. This morning I started coughing up blood clots....Coincidence? Maybe. Is it b/c they increased my blood thinner? maybe. Are they those "veins" leaking? Maybe. IF they leak or burst, I could easily die. I will never forget the words of my awesome Dr. Serini "if you do nothing about them, within one year you will die". Why? Think about it. How are you going to stop ruptured veins inside of you? Its not like you can put a bandaid on them. You can't put pressure on them inside your throat. (well there is a helmet in the ER's I have discovered with a huge tube they would put on me and insert the tube to inflate and push against my throat) Can't you just picture me with a football helmet on laying in the ER....Eeeewww! That scares the crap out of me just thinking about it!!!
So, we will see. Back to 2 injections daily for life, I knew that was going to happen. I am awaiting my Dr Serini to call me today I hope, to get me into that office asap so we can see if there are those "veins" in there! And if they are, lets start wrapping them! Steve and I want to go on vacation to the Dominican, I haven't booked it yet, b/c last time I did, Dr. Serini told us not to go b/c my veins were too big and I needed to be within 5 min. of a hospital....Your not going to see me going anywhere until I know what those veins look like. So, hopefully its soon. I HATE getting them wrapped b/c it hurts for days and I can't eat. But I don't have any choice so I try not to complain.
You all know me, I am a strong little cookie. I am thankful each and every day that it is me, not someone else, and especially not my kids. Cancer is a reality in my eye every single day I go to work. I am alive, what I have is livable, and I thank the Lord every day that it is this and not that. God has been so good to me through all this. He has shown himself to me, made my marriage 10xs stronger, made me closer to my patients, more serving to others, more appreciative of my life, my health, made my faith alive, and if my sickness is what it takes to make all of that happen, then I would do it all over again.
Friday, December 31, 2010
A BUMP IN THE ROAD OF LIFE.....MY DISEASE HAS COME TO LIFE AGAIN
It has been one year since I laid at U of M hospital awaiting my liver shunt...Dr. Dasika changed his mind and refused to put one in me. At the time I really didn't understand why, but the more I have learned, that was no coincidence....I shudder at the idea b/c they can cause so many problems that my life could have been forever changed in a very bad way. He may not remember me, but I will always remember him and I know the Lord placed him on my case. I have learned MANY MANY things throughout this whole process.
1. Nothing in life is coincidental but totally providential. God has blessed me in so many ways, the Dr.'s he placed on my case, the procedures I didn't get...at the time I didn't realize how much His hand was in it all. I didn't pick those Dr.'s, I had NO CLUE what I was doing. But He did.
2. I realize now who my true friends are and those that are NOT my friends but only if it is convenient for them or if they gain something out of it. This has been really hard on me b/c I had alot of people in my life I thought were my idea of what a true friend is, and they have obviously shown their true colors. There are some that really DONT care and I thought they did.
3. I realize what really matters in life....SOOOO many things I come across now and I really don't care. My whole perspective has changed b/c theres such trivial things that happen every day and in the end "WHO CARES!" God has your life in His hands and could have your life end at any minute, do we live that way? I admit I struggle too with this, but this has definitely made me more mindful of that fact and Christ is really all that matters.
So I have been without Dr's appointments, tests, scopes, CT's all that for one year and it has been GREAT! I feel good, they gave me a clean slate, back to running and working out, I even ran a few 5ks and got first place! Holy moly can you say to GOD be the Glory for that!!! It seems like a long time ago, fainting memories of terrible times.
Had my year follow up CT. I feel great, no signs, no symptoms, I inject blood thinners daily so I didn't anticipate anything happening in there. It showed a new blood clot going down a different vein, this one the vein that feeds my intestines, and it is coming into that vein that was clotted before going to my liver. It looks like my veins in my stomach and throat are coming back in number and in size too. This was hard.....Why if I am on blood thinners am I STILL clotting? Why if I have NO blood disorder like they say am I clotting? The veins are back that means they could hemorrhage and I could bleed to death being on blood thinners. SOOOO many thoughts running through, I cried all morning at work. Its weird being on the other end of things when you work in a hospital....But it has taught me HUGE sympathy for my patients and we have things in common and I can be a witness to them too.
Back to the drawing board. I called my surgeon at UofM, he is getting the CT in the mail. I go to Cancer and Hematology on tues to talk about what this means and I am sure I will be having a scope done soon to take a peak at those "veins" in my throat. Its such a complicated thing that I have.....So mysterious, I understand it in and out...I have high blood pressure inside of my veins "portal hypertension" not the kind of high blood pressure you and I think about when it is said, this can't be measured except getting inside my veins.
My running days may be done. That will be hard on me b/c I love running and honestly, when I run, I think about all I have been thru and how amazing the Lord has been, its actually a time of worship for me....call me crazy, but I think about HIM the whole time I am running b/c I am alive!!! b/c of HIM!!!
I think of it as Satans attempt to test what Lisa is all about. How strong is her faith and we will see about that! Well, I am ready to take that challenge, I am more prepared, It is what it is, I have a God WAY bigger than he is and I know we can win this battle. I know he places battles in our way each and every day but I am equipped with the knowledge and truth and I will NOT be knocked down. Oh ya, I have my days that I hide at home, I don't want to talk to anyone, I cry and cry b/c of a heavy heart.....But I know I will be ok. He gives me peace, I know where I am going if He decides to take me. I am ready to fight again!
1. Nothing in life is coincidental but totally providential. God has blessed me in so many ways, the Dr.'s he placed on my case, the procedures I didn't get...at the time I didn't realize how much His hand was in it all. I didn't pick those Dr.'s, I had NO CLUE what I was doing. But He did.
2. I realize now who my true friends are and those that are NOT my friends but only if it is convenient for them or if they gain something out of it. This has been really hard on me b/c I had alot of people in my life I thought were my idea of what a true friend is, and they have obviously shown their true colors. There are some that really DONT care and I thought they did.
3. I realize what really matters in life....SOOOO many things I come across now and I really don't care. My whole perspective has changed b/c theres such trivial things that happen every day and in the end "WHO CARES!" God has your life in His hands and could have your life end at any minute, do we live that way? I admit I struggle too with this, but this has definitely made me more mindful of that fact and Christ is really all that matters.
So I have been without Dr's appointments, tests, scopes, CT's all that for one year and it has been GREAT! I feel good, they gave me a clean slate, back to running and working out, I even ran a few 5ks and got first place! Holy moly can you say to GOD be the Glory for that!!! It seems like a long time ago, fainting memories of terrible times.
Had my year follow up CT. I feel great, no signs, no symptoms, I inject blood thinners daily so I didn't anticipate anything happening in there. It showed a new blood clot going down a different vein, this one the vein that feeds my intestines, and it is coming into that vein that was clotted before going to my liver. It looks like my veins in my stomach and throat are coming back in number and in size too. This was hard.....Why if I am on blood thinners am I STILL clotting? Why if I have NO blood disorder like they say am I clotting? The veins are back that means they could hemorrhage and I could bleed to death being on blood thinners. SOOOO many thoughts running through, I cried all morning at work. Its weird being on the other end of things when you work in a hospital....But it has taught me HUGE sympathy for my patients and we have things in common and I can be a witness to them too.
Back to the drawing board. I called my surgeon at UofM, he is getting the CT in the mail. I go to Cancer and Hematology on tues to talk about what this means and I am sure I will be having a scope done soon to take a peak at those "veins" in my throat. Its such a complicated thing that I have.....So mysterious, I understand it in and out...I have high blood pressure inside of my veins "portal hypertension" not the kind of high blood pressure you and I think about when it is said, this can't be measured except getting inside my veins.
My running days may be done. That will be hard on me b/c I love running and honestly, when I run, I think about all I have been thru and how amazing the Lord has been, its actually a time of worship for me....call me crazy, but I think about HIM the whole time I am running b/c I am alive!!! b/c of HIM!!!
I think of it as Satans attempt to test what Lisa is all about. How strong is her faith and we will see about that! Well, I am ready to take that challenge, I am more prepared, It is what it is, I have a God WAY bigger than he is and I know we can win this battle. I know he places battles in our way each and every day but I am equipped with the knowledge and truth and I will NOT be knocked down. Oh ya, I have my days that I hide at home, I don't want to talk to anyone, I cry and cry b/c of a heavy heart.....But I know I will be ok. He gives me peace, I know where I am going if He decides to take me. I am ready to fight again!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wow, Life gets busy!!!
Tonight I told myself that I would go to bed as soon as the kids did b/c I have had an emotional and hard long day! Where am I now? Not there. Today I actually cried for someone I didn't know and I don't know if I can say I have done that before? They didn't see me, it wasn't right away, it was later, on my way home when I have no doubt in my heart the Lord knew what was weighing on my heart and mind and a song came on, and it spoke right to me. I have that happen SOOO many times!!! Tonight: Jeremy Camp, there will be a day, of no more tears, no more pain, no more fear.....Work was chaos and to top it, a mother of 3 teenage boys just found out that she has cancer, not a cancer that can be attacked, cancer that has already sabotaged her body and invaded every single organ and bone in her body with little to NO warning that it was in there, growing, spreading like wild fire....She has days, maybe months. Can you imagine? There are patients that are optimistic then there are patients that just don't have a chance and I can see that poison living inside killing them, eating away.....WHY? I have to be honest that this is the biggest area of my faith that I struggle with the most. It doesn't seem fair, why can some people that are evil live to 100? Why so young?
I did this with my own health too, but I know why now, I didn't at the time I was going through it and it was the worst time in my entire life, I thought I was JOB in the bible and didn't know how I was going to get through it, ONE thing after another, many people don't understand how low I was, how fearful of death, so sick, death was knocking on my door!! But what about this mom, she won't be alive later to look back and see why, she doesn't have a chance to have it change her life forever b/c she will be gone!
If I could die today and go live with the Lord would I say, take me Lord with open arms? I have to admit that I can't......That alone that I say that to the Lord makes me feel ashamed and sad b/c why? I SHOULD want to be with him today. It sure would beat the world and day in which we live!!! People are so mean, friends have turned their backs, women (I thought this would change the older I got too but that was a delusion) why can't they all just be happy for each other and support one another with love and friendship. Why jealousy? Why are we envious and why can't we be proud when their kids are better than ours? Why can't women say, she sure is beautiful, and not think, man she must be a bitch. When someone is crafty, why can't we say, you are so talented and creative what a gift, instead of thinking and rolling our eyes, there she goes again! I have to be honest, I have been hurt by soooo many people in my life and I just don't understand why? You know what? NO one in this world could give a shit and I am just beginning to realize that. No one cares. No one cares what kind of house you live in, what you drive, who you know, where you have been....ALL THAT MATTERS IN YOUR HEART WITH THE LORD. I have to Lord in my heart and I don't know what I would do without him. He is my everything and I do want to live with him. I wouldn't even know what I was missing nor would I care. The one thing obviously that keeps me here....My husband and my kids. I want and pray that I am here for them through their phases of life, to cheer them on, to support them, teach them, hold them, love them, be excited with them....Children are amazing and truly a gift from God.
I'll be honest, I don't spend as much time with my kids as I should, but I know it and I hate it. I love them more than anything and it is my prayer to be a better mom....I don't want to look back and say "why didn't I do more with them?" I don't want to be dead and have them wonder why mom needed a clean house, or sat on the computer, cleaned, did things that she shouldn't even care about!!! (Ok, I am not that bad and am probably being hard on myself b/c I DO alot with my kids) but I constantly remind myself of it. Because like I said before, No one gives a shit. I love my kids, they are so beautiful, I could lay in bed for hours staring at their little faces, smelling their blankies, just watching them....They are amazing, I cry b/c I can't have more! But, the Lord gave me 2 little miracles and I am going to try to be the best mom I can, mistakes in all!
I did this with my own health too, but I know why now, I didn't at the time I was going through it and it was the worst time in my entire life, I thought I was JOB in the bible and didn't know how I was going to get through it, ONE thing after another, many people don't understand how low I was, how fearful of death, so sick, death was knocking on my door!! But what about this mom, she won't be alive later to look back and see why, she doesn't have a chance to have it change her life forever b/c she will be gone!
If I could die today and go live with the Lord would I say, take me Lord with open arms? I have to admit that I can't......That alone that I say that to the Lord makes me feel ashamed and sad b/c why? I SHOULD want to be with him today. It sure would beat the world and day in which we live!!! People are so mean, friends have turned their backs, women (I thought this would change the older I got too but that was a delusion) why can't they all just be happy for each other and support one another with love and friendship. Why jealousy? Why are we envious and why can't we be proud when their kids are better than ours? Why can't women say, she sure is beautiful, and not think, man she must be a bitch. When someone is crafty, why can't we say, you are so talented and creative what a gift, instead of thinking and rolling our eyes, there she goes again! I have to be honest, I have been hurt by soooo many people in my life and I just don't understand why? You know what? NO one in this world could give a shit and I am just beginning to realize that. No one cares. No one cares what kind of house you live in, what you drive, who you know, where you have been....ALL THAT MATTERS IN YOUR HEART WITH THE LORD. I have to Lord in my heart and I don't know what I would do without him. He is my everything and I do want to live with him. I wouldn't even know what I was missing nor would I care. The one thing obviously that keeps me here....My husband and my kids. I want and pray that I am here for them through their phases of life, to cheer them on, to support them, teach them, hold them, love them, be excited with them....Children are amazing and truly a gift from God.
I'll be honest, I don't spend as much time with my kids as I should, but I know it and I hate it. I love them more than anything and it is my prayer to be a better mom....I don't want to look back and say "why didn't I do more with them?" I don't want to be dead and have them wonder why mom needed a clean house, or sat on the computer, cleaned, did things that she shouldn't even care about!!! (Ok, I am not that bad and am probably being hard on myself b/c I DO alot with my kids) but I constantly remind myself of it. Because like I said before, No one gives a shit. I love my kids, they are so beautiful, I could lay in bed for hours staring at their little faces, smelling their blankies, just watching them....They are amazing, I cry b/c I can't have more! But, the Lord gave me 2 little miracles and I am going to try to be the best mom I can, mistakes in all!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
SUMMER'S END
It is hard to believe that its done! This summer went by sooo fast and it just makes me so sad. One of the best summers I have ever had. I enjoyed every moment with my kids, I hardly worked, enjoyed life to its fullest! I headed to Detroit over labor day to see my sister Angie and the boys, just me and the kids, it was great! We had so much fun visiting nature trails, parks, Lake St.Clair, flea markets, the zoo....Mom even got some speed shopping done at the outlet mall on the way in howell. The kids were awesome! They are such good kids....Honestly, I don't know what I would do or where I would be without them. They are my life and my everything. Karlie is getting so old!! She is so mature in her thinking and actions, her big milestones this summer were learning to swim all by herself! NO SWIMMIES! She is a great swimmer, I was shocked to come home from work one day to her telling me she could swim. I didn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes, we even had to go back to grandmas THAT night so she could show me. She learned how to ride her bike with NO training wheels! She is big stuff and so sweet, she loves her brother so much and is always taking good care of him. Luke, he copies EVERYTHING you say with excitement and enthusiasm in his voice. Today?!!! Tomorrow?!! Everything you say, he says it back but with such a high excitement! He is hilarious and makes me laugh all the time. REFUSES to be potty trained. Sleeping in his big boy bed was a big thing for him.
Karlie started preschool this week. I am actually doing very well with it. I think its b/c I am so happy and excited for her! She is just going to love it and she is sooo ready. She is going to grow and learn so much and make friends, she is sooo happy. She said goodbye to dad this morning with no delay. I have to work every Monday and Wednesday and she goes Mon, Wed, Friday. I was kinda sad about that b/c I can't take her and pick her up, but like one mom told me, this way I get to be with her all day and have my days off with her too! May as well be at work if she's at school....I still want to be the one doing it. BUT thank the Lord for dads job b/c he can go in late and he gets to bring her each day so that is really special for them too. so much Fun! I am really looking forward to seeing her grow and being there with her through school, I just pray we made the right decision picking HCS.....I pray she never has to go through some of the things I had too....I can only do my best and be the best parent I can be to her and the Lord will take care of the rest!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Metro Cruise 5K FIRST PLACE!!
Before I ran this race I wanted to have a shirt made that said this: "ALL that matters in life is CHRIST". Pastor Don spoke that to me a few weeks ago and it is all I think about lately b/c its true, and if we don't constantly think about that, its easy to let the "little" stuff of life take priority. Who cares about your clean house? Who cares about your clothes, vehicles, home, all these so called "items" that "make" people happy. Do they really think that those things are going to make them happy? Ya right! Thank the LORD that I know Him, and have HIM in my life b/c in the end....none of that other stuff matters but HIM. I just thought, what a perfect quote to have on my running shirts....B/c it doesn't matter how fast I run, how I place, if I place....Who cares? I do it b/c I owe him the glory and because I am alive today b/c of him. I have life, I am a healthy woman, wife, mom! I ran, and I finished, first!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe it? I sure can't!! I was sooo overwhelmed with emotions that all I could do was cry. ME? this just can't be happening to me? It was awesome! It was an amazing journey of life, a happy and joyous day of celebration of how far I have come!!! I am just so geeked, so proud of myself. I can do this! I really can run? I felt the Lords hand with me the whole time, he speaks to me through running and when I run, I feel this closeness with him. When I was done I know that he was wrapping his arms around me saying "good job Lisa!" I cannot describe how empowering and how full of strength it makes me feel when I finish. I am strong now, my body is strong, inside and out and it makes me feel sooooooo happy!!!!!
Summers Ending??? So soon???
We have had one of the best summers in my entire life! My kids are at a great age and maybe its b/c I savor every moment and realize that life is going to be gone before we know it or at any time. I have had a BLAST with my kids this year!!! Karlie is so beautiful, growing up so much, she is starting to push mom away alittle more every day b/c she's "too cool" for mom. Breaks my heart.
Luke, he is my stud and I just can't get enough of him. He is at that great age where he is funny, and just so cute! I never thought the 2's were bad, for me, it hits when they turn 3. So far, he is just awesome. I love them both sooooo much, I honestly don't know what I would do without them. I love being a mom and pray that I am here to do the job for a very very long time!!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
PRAISE THE LORD!!! FIRST 5K!!!
Today I am just so overwhelmed with emotion....I ran my first 5k. I was sooo nervous and have been putting it off forever, self doubt, fear, the unknown...I don't know why, just me.
I told the Lord that I wanted to do one for him. I didn't care how I finished, I just wanted to praise and bring glory to God for all he has done for me. A honor to Him for my life. I almost could have died last year.....I was told, absolutely NO more kids, No more running/ anything physically active. My heart was so heavy just a year ago....I was again, filled with fear, fear that I was going to die and leave behind my family. I didn't care about the running or activitiy, shoot wouldn't everyone want to be told they had to do nothing? :) No one knew what to do with me medically, I was an "unknown, medical mystery". Something I did NOT enjoy being. But, then it all went away.....By the grace of God, I am for the most part, a healthy 33 year old woman/mom/wife/sister/daughter. I live on Lovenox injections and that keeps me alive.
So today I ran. I ran as hard as I could and let me tell you....I thought I was going to die! For the past 3 weeks I have been sick with bronchitis. I signed up for my race and got sick the day after....Great! I sucked it up and kept running, but I never thought I was going to make it. The last mile, I just looked in the sky and prayed, "please Lord, fill me with your strength and help me finish this, I can do this and I want to do this for you, I cannot finish without you."
I finished.
I watched the awards handed out and then I heard: Lisa Jongsma!
What?
I finished 2nd! I got a medal for 2nd place out of 70 women my age!!! I finished 182nd out of 949 participants!! Did I just do this????????
I was so overwhelmed, so shocked, still am. To God be the Glory!
I got home and just bawled. Why? B/c HE helped me win. He filled me with strength and I know HE held my hand and he is celebrating with me! My Lord is so amazing and so wonderful, I never want to forget all that he has done for me. I want to live each and every day in remembrance of where I was last year, where I am today, and how the Lord held my hand each and every step!!! I wish everyone knew Him, and could see how truly blessed we are. HE did it! Thank you so much Lord, I can never say it enough. I praise and thank you for everything, THANK YOU for helping run in this race of life!!!
I told the Lord that I wanted to do one for him. I didn't care how I finished, I just wanted to praise and bring glory to God for all he has done for me. A honor to Him for my life. I almost could have died last year.....I was told, absolutely NO more kids, No more running/ anything physically active. My heart was so heavy just a year ago....I was again, filled with fear, fear that I was going to die and leave behind my family. I didn't care about the running or activitiy, shoot wouldn't everyone want to be told they had to do nothing? :) No one knew what to do with me medically, I was an "unknown, medical mystery". Something I did NOT enjoy being. But, then it all went away.....By the grace of God, I am for the most part, a healthy 33 year old woman/mom/wife/sister/daughter. I live on Lovenox injections and that keeps me alive.
So today I ran. I ran as hard as I could and let me tell you....I thought I was going to die! For the past 3 weeks I have been sick with bronchitis. I signed up for my race and got sick the day after....Great! I sucked it up and kept running, but I never thought I was going to make it. The last mile, I just looked in the sky and prayed, "please Lord, fill me with your strength and help me finish this, I can do this and I want to do this for you, I cannot finish without you."
I finished.
I watched the awards handed out and then I heard: Lisa Jongsma!
What?
I finished 2nd! I got a medal for 2nd place out of 70 women my age!!! I finished 182nd out of 949 participants!! Did I just do this????????
I was so overwhelmed, so shocked, still am. To God be the Glory!
I got home and just bawled. Why? B/c HE helped me win. He filled me with strength and I know HE held my hand and he is celebrating with me! My Lord is so amazing and so wonderful, I never want to forget all that he has done for me. I want to live each and every day in remembrance of where I was last year, where I am today, and how the Lord held my hand each and every step!!! I wish everyone knew Him, and could see how truly blessed we are. HE did it! Thank you so much Lord, I can never say it enough. I praise and thank you for everything, THANK YOU for helping run in this race of life!!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Been a long time!
Wow, where does the time go? For a few months we tried to sell our home by owner, we had a ton of showings, but no one could get approved....Guess it shows how bad our economy really is right now. We have been really busy. Moms health has been great! (well, except for this week but thats only b/c of a really bad cold!) Praise the Lord for health, you never realize how much it means until your set back....and trust me, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you don't feel good.
We went to Angies in June to celebrate Devons birthday for 3 days. We had a great time as a family, got a hotel with a pool, the kids had a blast. We went camping to Holland again for a week, everyone but dad got the flu for at least 2 days....Puking in a trailer is not fun. We still got to enjoy about 1/2 of the week ;) We've been to the zoo, millineum park, lamar park, and enjoyed the 4th of July in Grandville (always a tradition).
The kids are amazing and I just love being a mom. I get a set schedule in the fall, which will be nice, just 2 days a week. The perfect balance for this mom! I love my job and I love being a mom and wife too. Luke is talking like crazy, repeating everything, I absolutely LOVE the 2's!!! He is so funny! Karlie just started swimming alone, even underwater! She is so proud of herself and so are we! We swim all the time at mom and dads neighbors, at least once a week we spend the day by the pool.
Today our house goes up for sale by a realtor....Not sure how I feel about this whole selling business! It is stressful and I am not giving my house away like they would like us too. Its so sad to see us losing 20k already that we have put into it, but hey, I guess that is the economy and life so theirs nothing we can do about it. If we don't sell, we stay. Really we don't have to leave so praise the Lord for that one! Like the realtor said, we could have bought 7 years ago when we got married in a worse neighborhood and lost even more and been stuck in that place, then what we do? We got a nice house (shoot, its the best its ever looked!! New carpet/wood flooring/clean/ painted,) I love "most" of my neighbors :) and the location, although a busy road, is so convenient. The Lord only knows and I am so thankful that I don't get to decide. I put our lives in his hands b/c he knows best!
Better go for now, kids and I are staying in b/c mom is sick....They are probably bored but someday they will understand. Posting a few of my fav. pics so far this year....till next time. I promise it will be more frequent! :)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Do my children hate me?
Do you ever feel like your children dislike you? That is how I have been feeling lately, and maybe its because I am home with them all the time or maybe its a "mom" thing, but lately all my kids want is DAD. Even now my 2 year old son asks if Dad can put him to bed, I am the one that has always done it. Now he cries for daddy, and in the morning, he is still crying for daddy. He gets so sad if he doesn't see dad in the morning. Everytime we hear a noise, he thinks its daddy coming home and gets all excited. I was hoping that maybe my son would be a momma's boy but he definitely is NOT. Karlie, she never wants mom to put her to bed. She will wait forever before falling asleep, if I tell her that daddy will come to say goodnight. WHY???? What am I doing wrong? Am I that mean of a mom? I don't feel like I yell all the time, I know that my voice may sound like it, (my mom always tells me that! and I know its true) but honestly I am not upset or mad, It one of the things I hate the most about myself: my TONE....I need to pray harder about it! ;)
I would do anything for my kids! I take them to McDonalds to play, VIP pets to visit animals, were going to Nemo on Ice just the 3 of us, I get them icecream or slushies b/c its their favorite, I take them camping all the time by myself, I take them on bikerides, to parks....The list could go on forever!!!! I play games, even play "underwater fishy" in the bathtub with Karlie b/c she loves to do it with mom. Why do my kids go from fine to absolutely crazy and dramatic the second dad comes home. Even when I was in the hospital and would miss them so much for days, I would walk in the door and they would go runnning right past me to dad. Makes me cry. Is it b/c I am a mom, a part time working mom and home with them alot? Can I fix it? Maybe the other moms feel that way too and I am just normal. Whatever the case, I hope someday they will appreciate and love me and thank me for all the love I continue to pour on them even when they don't love me back.....Being a mom can be so hard sometimes!! :)
I would do anything for my kids! I take them to McDonalds to play, VIP pets to visit animals, were going to Nemo on Ice just the 3 of us, I get them icecream or slushies b/c its their favorite, I take them camping all the time by myself, I take them on bikerides, to parks....The list could go on forever!!!! I play games, even play "underwater fishy" in the bathtub with Karlie b/c she loves to do it with mom. Why do my kids go from fine to absolutely crazy and dramatic the second dad comes home. Even when I was in the hospital and would miss them so much for days, I would walk in the door and they would go runnning right past me to dad. Makes me cry. Is it b/c I am a mom, a part time working mom and home with them alot? Can I fix it? Maybe the other moms feel that way too and I am just normal. Whatever the case, I hope someday they will appreciate and love me and thank me for all the love I continue to pour on them even when they don't love me back.....Being a mom can be so hard sometimes!! :)
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