I am not sure why, I really think it all happened because of the TV series that came out: THE BIBLE. Did you watch it? A series about the Bible made into picture, by the guy that developed Survivor! Its a pretty brave move to do in todays society and I was so excited b/c it brought ALOT of attention....To me, it was fabulous. I LOVED it and I still put them on and watch them over to pick up parts that I missed and things that I never knew before!! I really learned alot and now when reading my bible (not that I want to picture it how this guy portrays it, but it does help relate to me better with that visual) How sad is it that the man that wrote the majority of the New testimate I knew so little about!! I got to get movin!!! I can't seem to get enough lately!!! So much to learn....
Lately the Lord has definitely been putting it on my heart to "Go and make disciples of all nations" Its one of His greatest commands and VERY FEW left behind actually believed, Many disowned his teachings and they saw Him and were with him!! He left His Disciples to do the rest of His work, leaving them with all He had taught them in his very short 3 years! So I thought I would pray to the Lord to help me be more bold in my faith, to talk MORE about Jesus and not hide, tell about who Jesus is to me and what he has done for me not because I am so much better than everyone else, but because I am now alive and made new in Christ. I have changed, I am so free now, I was living a life in bondage. I was not living a life for the Lord nor did I SEEK Him in return. I have no doubt He had my life in His hands, but that doesn't mean I gave any account or recognition to Him like I should have!! No one knows what it is going to take to believe in Him or what He has planned for our lives, I am just saying that for me, I am forever grateful to my Lord and savior for sparing my life when Satan would have rejoiced if I died when I was sick between 2009-2011 when I came to Christ. I didn't claim Jesus. I didn't know Him. I didn't have a relationship with Him. I didn't go to biblestudy, if I did, I had a hard time understanding it and didn't REALLY believe....can't it just be a story? No, it is Not. I know this to be true by Faith alone. Can I prove it to you, Nope. Can I make you believe? Nope. Can I make my kids and husband, family saved and believe? Nope. It is all about Me and My relationship with God and I didn't have one.
Little did I know that God would test me with that whole "go and make disciples" idea sooner than I thought. Within a month I had 2 huge encounters. One, a great friend of mine whom I LOVE dearly and pray for often that she will come to know the Lord. I just opened my mouth one day when it felt "right" and asked her if she knew about the bible, what it said, what she believed, if she believed in God, if she was afraid of being wrong, that God sent His son to die for our sins b/c of love...Let me tell ya, she is smart and she had alot of defense and alot of questions that left me standing there with a big old "DUH......". I had no clue!!!
I had no clue how to "defend" God, how to convince her, I drove home feeling like a complete failure and beating myself up b/c "I blew it". THAT my friends is where satan will plan his attack and play with my emotions. THAT was step one in realizing that 1. I can't make her believe 2. I don't need to defend and prove that I am right 3. Its NOT about me, its about God and God must choose her and move her with His Holy Spirit on His timing, not mine, no matter how much I love and care for her. It brought up topics of study for me about (the holy spirit, elect, O.T believers vs N.T, faith...) I realized that its good to question my faith b/c it helps me grow.....It DID show me that if I want to claim Jesus and talk about Him like I know him, How can I if I am not daily in His word and read what He has told me. It DID give me questions in my own faith and show me that I needed to go back to the bible and find my answers and there is nothing wrong with that. I will NEVER have all the answers nor will I try to believe or act like I do b/c I don't. I am an infant in this whole relationship with God but I am willing to grow, I am willing to try, I want to try, I want to be a better person b/c of Him.
2nd one: An alcholic at the park. YUP....Me and Luke, by ourselves and one other person (elderly lady walking around the lake). I pass her, she stops me to ask if I saw the guy. Yes, I did. She told me that he fell backwards while sitting at the table. I asked if she checked on him? No. Well, I will. I go to him, laying on the floor, legs still up on the seat, hes breathing...."sir?" Eyes open. "are you ok, do you need help, do you want me to call someone for you?" He says, You must believe in Jesus. I look at him in a shocked stare... and said, "well, yes I do love Jesus and I care about you and want to make sure you are ok." Thats when he asked me to pray for him. I have NEVER prayed for a stranger. Never. I don't even like praying out loud and I used to get nervous...I just let God take over. I kneeled down and held his hand and prayed for him. I have no idea what I said, I was praying on top of praying that God would fill me with his Spirit and his words :) When finished he said, will you tell me some scripture? There it was again a bid old "DUH.......". I couldn't think of ANYTHING!!!!! Whats wrong with me!! I talked to him for a good 1/2 hr, and yes, I called the cops but that was only to give him a ride b/c I didn't want to take him home myself like he asked and he would have never made it there alone. The cop swore to me that he would bring him home, he was doing no harm, I just wanted him to get home. Jeff, if you read this someday, I hope you now know the Lord loves you, alcohol and all, we all have our sins and He can help you be redeemed. I hope I see you someday on "the voice". (Yup, the tv show...took me awhile to figure that out, I don't watch it but steve does and I told him to watch out for Jeff) :)
Again, I went home thinking, what an idiot....I blew it! I had the chance, I couldn't think of ONE verse and now a million are popping into my head!!! Again, I had to sit back and reflect....Satan wants me to feel bad, He wants me to think that I can't witness, but I can. I can love others, I can be who I am, where I am and still witness thru the actions of my life. Its not always about doing but being. I want to "do" b/c I love God so much and want others to learn from what mistakes I have gone through and hopefully show them that life with Christ is so much greater and life on earth is so short....
My list of books on my shelf has grown in the past few months to so many, seriously.... I will never get to them all over the summer but I can't wait to jump in. This is coming from someone who HATES TO READ!!!!
1. Confessions of a raging perfectionist (so far, I am in LOVE with this book...trying to find worth in lists/to-dos/image/things, total type A. I think if most women would admit, we all have a part of us that wants everything to be perfect and under OUR control. The problem is, nothing will ever be perfect and we are never in control as hard as you try. There will ALWAYS be a bigger, better, more organized, beautiful home. There will ALWAYS be a prettier woman than you. There will ALWAYS be someone who runs faster than you, kids better than you.....Quit working towards an unattainable goal. Life will NEVER be perfect. Learn to let go!!!)
2. Who do you think you are? (Until you know WHO's you are, you will never know WHO you are....you will continue to pursue and chase after a life full of things and people to make you happy....guess what? ALL will fail....All but One.) What a great series!!! Check out Marshill.com and Mark Driscoll and find awesome videos, sermons...
3. No more perfect moms (Believe it or not but yes I am leading a bible study this summer every friday at different parks with any mom that wants too) This book is easy and fun and real and true. I was that mom that wanted the perfect family, the perfect kids, the perfect body....SUPRISE they are all un attainable!!! No one is perfect and I don't want to act like I am, I am who I am, the way God made me and I find incredible freedom from it. God loves me mistakes, wrinkles and rolls, problems, and all. There is nothing that drives me more crazy than FAKE people. DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!! Who do you think you are kidding? Hypocrits. You want Money? Go ahead, have it. You work out 2 hrs a day, Great! Your kids have straight A's and go to Christian school? Great! You see a beautiful woman, skinnier than you, prettier hair than you, Great!! Why get so bent out of shape about it? Does that mean you have to hate them? Its about the heart people....Its about God, and you. No one else. Do you really think that in the end you are going to care?
Do you ever find people on their death bed saying...."can you go see how much money I have in the bank? Are you sure my car is parked in the back row where no one will ding the doors and everyone can see it? Do you think this outfit makes my butt look big?"
4. Grace walk (being shipped right now, sister says "must read")
5. Unglued (just entered...My favorite all time author Lysa b/c again she is real!! We have problems, we all do, embrace them and claim freedom b/c God wants so much more and planned our lives for so much more, Who knows what He has planned for us! Does the mommy monster come out in my house? Yup. Do I yell at my kids and then feel bad about it? Yup. But I am not alone...God knows and understands and most of the time I have something to learn thru the whole situation if I am willing to admit it.
6. God empowered wife- Haven't started....Think this is going to be a good one...Came across it who knows where. I read the line "The problem is not that I expect too much from my husband but that I expect too little, therefore not giving him the respect and appreciate he deserves". Ooouch!!! That one hurt. Because its true!! At least for me. I don't know anyone out there that wouldn't like to improve your marriage or be a better wife, its the 2nd most important relationship, do I treat him that way? I love the book Sacred marriage b/c like this book, its not just about being a better wife, Its about becoming a servant and living a life for Christ THRU my marriage.
7. David Platts- Radical and videos/sermons on YouTube. Man this guy has passion and I love it!! Will I be a radical? Probably not going out all over the world and selling all I have and living in a box....could I live with much less, absolutely. We are spoiled americans. We don't know what sacrifice is or means b/c we don't have too! Pride, Humility, and selfishness...Root of all sin for me. I want to constantly deny Self and claim Him.
There are a MILLION ways to grow if you really want too....The internet can be a beautiful thing!
So much to do, so much to see, so much life to live...maybe....You know, I like lists. But like I just read in one of my books :) the problem is not my lists. The problem is the significance I put on those lists. If I do them, I feel good, I feel worth something, I feel loved....If I don't do them, I feel bad, say I am no good, unworthy....I do NOT want to be that way and I want to continue to grow and let go. I am learning to let go of the lists. I am praying that God slows me down so that I enjoy my little bundles at home b/c I am going to blink and they will be gone. I am learning that my list doesn't bring me my worth....what I get done or don't get done doesn't make me any better of a person. Someone said to me once "Say you have a chart of "chores" at home and Karlie does them all, and Luke doesn't. One day Luke is in the yard and a dog attacks him, what are you going to do and why? your going to run and save him right? Your gonna do it b/c you love him right? But he didn't do anything....so? Does that make my love for him less? No. Does that make me love Karlie more? No. So it is with our awesome father....I am his kid! God loves me, God knows my heart and I am so glad that I can do all things Thru Christ, but also according to His will, not mine. :) Thank the Lord for that!!!
