Luke playing dress up with the girls. Too cute! Cousins!!
KARLIE 6, holding chipper and charlies 6 eggs, none ever hatched :(
LUKE 4, playing in the woods and sliding outside in our winter wonderland!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
HAVING FUN IN WINTER 2012
Luke playing dress up with the girls. Too cute! Cousins!!
KARLIE 6, holding chipper and charlies 6 eggs, none ever hatched :(
LUKE 4, playing in the woods and sliding outside in our winter wonderland!
FINDING YOUR MISSING "PEACE"
Yes, believe it or not, I have decided to start writing my book. Its all about finding your missing "peace" and will have puzzle pieces on the front. What is your missing piece? Have you placed it in other things that in the end doesn't give you the peace you were hoping? I know I have.... We will see. I am not the greatest at this writing thing, but it is something that has been weighing on my heart and when I feel like that, I often believe that the Lord is placing it there. God speaks to me and I am trying harder to listen to Him and His voice and direction.
So, my last blog entry was liked by many, except for one person...My mom. Maybe there are many more that didn't like it either and that's ok. Yes, I swore, sorry mom. Don't we all have little pet peeves? Its a license plate. No it doesn't irritate me to the point that I let it bother my life, no I don't complain about trivial little things often, but its funny. We all have em. Its a weird quirk about me....
Yes it sounded harsh, but in reality doesn't the word of God and His truth sting us all sometimes? I wasn't speaking harsh to any of those reading it, this whole blog thing is for me. It started when I got sick and it has given me a release of feelings, reflection, and if anything, a legacy to leave on to my children so that they can see how good God was when mom was sick and when she wasn't, when they were little and how good He always is and will be if we only would see it that way and depend on Him.
The words here are for me, and if you gain something from them as well, great! If not, then I am sorry. Its a reflection for me who GOD is and what he has done for me and my need for dependence on Him. The words were His weighing on my heart at that time not for me to be condemning you. If I think about my life in reflection to what He has done for me it does hurt. B/c I fail him miserably in my dependence on Him and it is my prayer to learn from those failures, repent and profit from them. It has happened and it will happen again BUT the Lord has given me new life and new hope and truth that He is shaping me into who He wants me to be.
I am here to show that He is teaching me and broke me, and I don't know what that is like for you, I can only give you my witness and testimony of what it took me. I often think of the alcoholic or drug abuser, anyone struggling with a great addiction...You pray and pray for them to break free from it, You try to break them yourself taking things into your own hands and we don't see the results we want. ONLY the Lord knows what their breaking point is. Only HE knew what it took me to change my heart, my life and truly see HIM. Only He knows what it is going to take to turn your life to a life with Him. Its different for every single person. Would I want you to go through what He sent me through if I had the choice? NO, b/c it was horrible and the worst thing I could ever imagine but obviously the Lord had His hand in it the whole time b/c HE knew what would happen in the end. That I would look back and see His hand in it all. Sometimes it takes trials like that to have it happen. I don't wish it on my worst enemy and sometimes I have to say "really Lord, it had to be THAT bad for me to listen?" I don't think it did but who am I to say? Whats it going to take to break them, or you? I don't know but God does.
I know that I was trying to handle this life on my own. I can do it. Yes, I am a stubborn, strong-willed, type-A, I can do anything attitude type of person and I have fought it all my life but the Lord has shown me and broken me to wake me up and say "Lisa, YOU CAN'T!!" and trust me, I now KNOW I CANT!! He has shown me that I need to depend on Him. When I try to do it my way and say Yes before asking Him, I fail miserably. When God has told me no, or not yet, or I am sorry to put you through something like this, when I have listened...I have never been disappointed with the outcome. I am a work in progress...He has shown me that I cannot live in this world without Him, I am not strong enough to live in this world and do all I am supposed to do and be without Him! For that breaking of me, no matter how terrible it was, I am forever grateful b/c I now know, I can do all things but only with Him.
With that being said I give you the words of a favorite song of mine. Music moves me and the Lord speaks to me loudly through it. In a way its like the bible to me. You can read the same scripture over and over, all your life and wonder what it really means or not have it speak to you....until you are in the situation they are speaking about and then its words speak volumes!! It might not be applicable to you at the time, but you never know when you cross the path in life that it will become a vital lifeline for you.
"STRONG ENOUGH"
You Must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me if I'm wrong but this looks like more than I can do, on my own.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough...
Hand of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be, Strong enough, Strong enough for the BOTH of us!
Well maybe, maybe that's the point. To reach the point of giving up.
Cause when I'm finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be (wife,mother,friend,sister,daughter,employee,caretaker,giver,forgiver,...must the list go on?)
I give up, I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough, strong enough...
Cause I'm broken, down to nothing, But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and You are strong, When I am weak,
I can do all things through Christ who give me strength And I don't HAVE TO BE STRONG ENOUGH!!!
Strong enough, oh ya, I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up,
I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough for the both of us!
So, my last blog entry was liked by many, except for one person...My mom. Maybe there are many more that didn't like it either and that's ok. Yes, I swore, sorry mom. Don't we all have little pet peeves? Its a license plate. No it doesn't irritate me to the point that I let it bother my life, no I don't complain about trivial little things often, but its funny. We all have em. Its a weird quirk about me....
Yes it sounded harsh, but in reality doesn't the word of God and His truth sting us all sometimes? I wasn't speaking harsh to any of those reading it, this whole blog thing is for me. It started when I got sick and it has given me a release of feelings, reflection, and if anything, a legacy to leave on to my children so that they can see how good God was when mom was sick and when she wasn't, when they were little and how good He always is and will be if we only would see it that way and depend on Him.
The words here are for me, and if you gain something from them as well, great! If not, then I am sorry. Its a reflection for me who GOD is and what he has done for me and my need for dependence on Him. The words were His weighing on my heart at that time not for me to be condemning you. If I think about my life in reflection to what He has done for me it does hurt. B/c I fail him miserably in my dependence on Him and it is my prayer to learn from those failures, repent and profit from them. It has happened and it will happen again BUT the Lord has given me new life and new hope and truth that He is shaping me into who He wants me to be.
I am here to show that He is teaching me and broke me, and I don't know what that is like for you, I can only give you my witness and testimony of what it took me. I often think of the alcoholic or drug abuser, anyone struggling with a great addiction...You pray and pray for them to break free from it, You try to break them yourself taking things into your own hands and we don't see the results we want. ONLY the Lord knows what their breaking point is. Only HE knew what it took me to change my heart, my life and truly see HIM. Only He knows what it is going to take to turn your life to a life with Him. Its different for every single person. Would I want you to go through what He sent me through if I had the choice? NO, b/c it was horrible and the worst thing I could ever imagine but obviously the Lord had His hand in it the whole time b/c HE knew what would happen in the end. That I would look back and see His hand in it all. Sometimes it takes trials like that to have it happen. I don't wish it on my worst enemy and sometimes I have to say "really Lord, it had to be THAT bad for me to listen?" I don't think it did but who am I to say? Whats it going to take to break them, or you? I don't know but God does.
I know that I was trying to handle this life on my own. I can do it. Yes, I am a stubborn, strong-willed, type-A, I can do anything attitude type of person and I have fought it all my life but the Lord has shown me and broken me to wake me up and say "Lisa, YOU CAN'T!!" and trust me, I now KNOW I CANT!! He has shown me that I need to depend on Him. When I try to do it my way and say Yes before asking Him, I fail miserably. When God has told me no, or not yet, or I am sorry to put you through something like this, when I have listened...I have never been disappointed with the outcome. I am a work in progress...He has shown me that I cannot live in this world without Him, I am not strong enough to live in this world and do all I am supposed to do and be without Him! For that breaking of me, no matter how terrible it was, I am forever grateful b/c I now know, I can do all things but only with Him.
With that being said I give you the words of a favorite song of mine. Music moves me and the Lord speaks to me loudly through it. In a way its like the bible to me. You can read the same scripture over and over, all your life and wonder what it really means or not have it speak to you....until you are in the situation they are speaking about and then its words speak volumes!! It might not be applicable to you at the time, but you never know when you cross the path in life that it will become a vital lifeline for you.
"STRONG ENOUGH"
You Must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me if I'm wrong but this looks like more than I can do, on my own.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough...
Hand of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be, Strong enough, Strong enough for the BOTH of us!
Well maybe, maybe that's the point. To reach the point of giving up.
Cause when I'm finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be (wife,mother,friend,sister,daughter,employee,caretaker,giver,forgiver,...must the list go on?)
I give up, I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough, strong enough...
Cause I'm broken, down to nothing, But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and You are strong, When I am weak,
I can do all things through Christ who give me strength And I don't HAVE TO BE STRONG ENOUGH!!!
Strong enough, oh ya, I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up,
I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough for the both of us!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
OUR LOVEBIRDS- CHIPPER AND CHARLIE
Hopefully we will have babies anyday!! We are all excited over here with the new little additions in the "love box"....oh brother, I can't believe I am turning into "the bird lady". They are sooo cute though!!!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
REFLECTION ON LIFE
For the past few weeks, being that it is a new year, I do alot of reflecting and analyzing, my life. For some, they may look back and say "oh I wish I did this or I wish I did that, or if this would happen I would be this, I wonder what my life would have been like if...." Ya, I know, MANY think their life would be so much better than it is today right?
I look back and think of my early childhood and I LOVED it. Then I went to Jr.High and things started changing, girls were mean, and I don't have to tell you any names b/c if they are reading this today they know who they are. They purposely had it out to get me, make me look bad, trip me, push me, lie about me, get others to hate me...You name it. Girls are mean, Im sure boys are too. Never did change. To be honest, it still hasn't. Those girls grow up to be women/mothers just like I did and some of them never change. Women can be just as evil! But I have to be honest with you and I really don't want to go back, I don't want to change things b/c those things that happened, the guys I dated and ran away from :), the friendships I had, the things I did (bad and good), schools I went too, made me who I am today. I am in the best place I have ever been and I am confident that this year will be the best year of my life in many ways it already has....I know who I am and that is all that matters. I'm not going to let someone else determine that, if they try, go ahead, I know where I stand and no one can take that away from me and with that I can do anything!
There are few things that I CANNOT tolerate in life... hypocrites, woo is me attitude, half full thinking, negativity and beautiful cars with rusty license plates! For petes sake people!! If you can afford a decent car, buy yourself a nice plate that doesn't make it look like shit!! :)
I cannot stand people that complain...Nothing in life is good enough, they don't make enough money, they don't have a ____, they cant take expensive trips, they've never been here or there, success in the eyes of others, they don't have a _____, they don't have a nice enough house, they cant do this or that, they can't send their kids to christian school b/c they have to spend it on other important things. Their fat, ugly, their kids drive them crazy (whos kids don't at one point or other?) and life is so much better when I can have my time, my space, my my my my!!!! uggggghhhhh!!!! What really kills me is those people that think you have to live in a certian neighborhood, drive a certian car or truck, and hang out with the "cool" people....What makes them so cool? Go ahead you can hang out with those "cool" people and I could care less....Thanks to my dad for giving me this attitude in life. I would love to invite them over to my house and spend some real time with them talking about how hard they think their life is, and I am by NO means saying that life isn't hard and that some of the things you are going through ARE very hard,frustrating and disapointing, Its all very real to you, I am not here on this earth to judge you b/c trust me, I will also be judged someday. Better yet, why don't they come to work with me and spend a day holding the hand of someone that is knocking on deaths door filled with cancer, poison filling their body ready to take their last breath. Lets go talk to the Bunnings, Meyer's, or the Henry's about how bad your life is, while they spend every moment fighting for their childs life. Or the widow that just lost their husband, the father of young children instantly killed, the parents of a child that took their own life b/c of the very bullying that happens to sooo many of us and believe there is no other way out!!
You all know them, negative thinkers. Do they make you happy to be around? Not me. Oh sure, I am not saying that I NEVER complain, I do, there are many days I would love to be a man and sit on my hinny doing nothing but watching tv (reading or crafting for me) after my "work day" is done (ooops did I say that? :) There are many things that I don't have and would love to have but I just don't see how complaining or talking about it is going to change the situation and its just a fact of life, you can't always have what you want, is it really going to make my life that much better, no so who cares. I know its hard to live in America where people don't think only of themselves and not in some way get affected by it. Americans think they know what everyone else needs and if YOU don't have it, then your not good enough. Man was Pastor Don on fire this week and it was AWESOME!!!!
Then theres church....filled with perfect people right? Many sure do act like it. I know many of them there for reasons again that come back to one word, SELF. It makes them look better, lets see who's watching or looking at me, lets act like the perfect married happy couple that we want everyone to think we are. Lets get active and get involved so others will notice ME. Lets advertise ourselves so that others will come to my company and give their money to us....This is a difficult struggle for me right now because I don't have to tell you, You know when people have "it" and when they don't. You can SEE it, FEEL it, and you KNOW. Instead of acknowledging our sins and weaknesses and being humble about how sinful we truly are, you need to hold it all together perfectly, heavin forbid if people saw the REAL you. Who is the real you? There are many that I thought I knew, but it didn't take long before I began to wonder if I ever really did. If your not on their "level" they will let you know it.....
What is life? No life is a waste and everyone has a meaning and a purpose. What is yours? Still trying to figure that out? I was too until the Lord hit me on the side of the head and told me to wake up and smell the roses b/c life is over before you know it. We are here to honor and serve the Lord, not ourselves. He gave us this life, He made us, He made YOU and your kids unique and perfect in HIS eyes. Yes being a mother is Hard work and if you are looking for a pat on the back saying "good job ____ your working so hard and your such a good mother and your kids are so good, you must be sooo tired...." so that you can feel good about yourself it may never happen!!! Life is hard, NOONE said it is easy but suck it up!!!! SELF gratification, if that is what your true motive is and why you wake up each morning you are missing the BIG picture. YOU ARE! I hate to break it to you. Get in the word not the world. Quit looking at what everyone else has and how much better they look than you do according to YOUR head and YOUR thinking. Your going to go with the worlds philosophy about all the things this world makes you "think" you have to have....No wonder your so stressed out all the time and feel bad when your constantly comparing yourself to everyone else! In the end WHO IS GOING TO CARE!!!!
Pastor Don's summary "when we love and serve the Lord it is impossible to waste even a moment of the precious thing called= LIFE"
I look back and think of my early childhood and I LOVED it. Then I went to Jr.High and things started changing, girls were mean, and I don't have to tell you any names b/c if they are reading this today they know who they are. They purposely had it out to get me, make me look bad, trip me, push me, lie about me, get others to hate me...You name it. Girls are mean, Im sure boys are too. Never did change. To be honest, it still hasn't. Those girls grow up to be women/mothers just like I did and some of them never change. Women can be just as evil! But I have to be honest with you and I really don't want to go back, I don't want to change things b/c those things that happened, the guys I dated and ran away from :), the friendships I had, the things I did (bad and good), schools I went too, made me who I am today. I am in the best place I have ever been and I am confident that this year will be the best year of my life in many ways it already has....I know who I am and that is all that matters. I'm not going to let someone else determine that, if they try, go ahead, I know where I stand and no one can take that away from me and with that I can do anything!
There are few things that I CANNOT tolerate in life... hypocrites, woo is me attitude, half full thinking, negativity and beautiful cars with rusty license plates! For petes sake people!! If you can afford a decent car, buy yourself a nice plate that doesn't make it look like shit!! :)
I cannot stand people that complain...Nothing in life is good enough, they don't make enough money, they don't have a ____, they cant take expensive trips, they've never been here or there, success in the eyes of others, they don't have a _____, they don't have a nice enough house, they cant do this or that, they can't send their kids to christian school b/c they have to spend it on other important things. Their fat, ugly, their kids drive them crazy (whos kids don't at one point or other?) and life is so much better when I can have my time, my space, my my my my!!!! uggggghhhhh!!!! What really kills me is those people that think you have to live in a certian neighborhood, drive a certian car or truck, and hang out with the "cool" people....What makes them so cool? Go ahead you can hang out with those "cool" people and I could care less....Thanks to my dad for giving me this attitude in life. I would love to invite them over to my house and spend some real time with them talking about how hard they think their life is, and I am by NO means saying that life isn't hard and that some of the things you are going through ARE very hard,frustrating and disapointing, Its all very real to you, I am not here on this earth to judge you b/c trust me, I will also be judged someday. Better yet, why don't they come to work with me and spend a day holding the hand of someone that is knocking on deaths door filled with cancer, poison filling their body ready to take their last breath. Lets go talk to the Bunnings, Meyer's, or the Henry's about how bad your life is, while they spend every moment fighting for their childs life. Or the widow that just lost their husband, the father of young children instantly killed, the parents of a child that took their own life b/c of the very bullying that happens to sooo many of us and believe there is no other way out!!
You all know them, negative thinkers. Do they make you happy to be around? Not me. Oh sure, I am not saying that I NEVER complain, I do, there are many days I would love to be a man and sit on my hinny doing nothing but watching tv (reading or crafting for me) after my "work day" is done (ooops did I say that? :) There are many things that I don't have and would love to have but I just don't see how complaining or talking about it is going to change the situation and its just a fact of life, you can't always have what you want, is it really going to make my life that much better, no so who cares. I know its hard to live in America where people don't think only of themselves and not in some way get affected by it. Americans think they know what everyone else needs and if YOU don't have it, then your not good enough. Man was Pastor Don on fire this week and it was AWESOME!!!!
Then theres church....filled with perfect people right? Many sure do act like it. I know many of them there for reasons again that come back to one word, SELF. It makes them look better, lets see who's watching or looking at me, lets act like the perfect married happy couple that we want everyone to think we are. Lets get active and get involved so others will notice ME. Lets advertise ourselves so that others will come to my company and give their money to us....This is a difficult struggle for me right now because I don't have to tell you, You know when people have "it" and when they don't. You can SEE it, FEEL it, and you KNOW. Instead of acknowledging our sins and weaknesses and being humble about how sinful we truly are, you need to hold it all together perfectly, heavin forbid if people saw the REAL you. Who is the real you? There are many that I thought I knew, but it didn't take long before I began to wonder if I ever really did. If your not on their "level" they will let you know it.....
What is life? No life is a waste and everyone has a meaning and a purpose. What is yours? Still trying to figure that out? I was too until the Lord hit me on the side of the head and told me to wake up and smell the roses b/c life is over before you know it. We are here to honor and serve the Lord, not ourselves. He gave us this life, He made us, He made YOU and your kids unique and perfect in HIS eyes. Yes being a mother is Hard work and if you are looking for a pat on the back saying "good job ____ your working so hard and your such a good mother and your kids are so good, you must be sooo tired...." so that you can feel good about yourself it may never happen!!! Life is hard, NOONE said it is easy but suck it up!!!! SELF gratification, if that is what your true motive is and why you wake up each morning you are missing the BIG picture. YOU ARE! I hate to break it to you. Get in the word not the world. Quit looking at what everyone else has and how much better they look than you do according to YOUR head and YOUR thinking. Your going to go with the worlds philosophy about all the things this world makes you "think" you have to have....No wonder your so stressed out all the time and feel bad when your constantly comparing yourself to everyone else! In the end WHO IS GOING TO CARE!!!!
Pastor Don's summary "when we love and serve the Lord it is impossible to waste even a moment of the precious thing called= LIFE"
Sunday, January 1, 2012
THE YEAR OF 2011
What a year it has been! Its hard to believe that it is going to be 2012...actually it is as I write. wow I am getting old! When I think about this past year it brings many different emotions. Feelings of relief. Feelings of sadness (means the kids are getting older too!). Feelings of gratitude. It doesn't even seem real to me when I think of what this year has been, where I have been, what has happened, feels like I am in a dream when I think about it really.....Maybe b/c it was all such a blur...
2011 A YEAR OF TRIALS AND A YEAR OF BLESSINGS!!!
February- Hospitalized for 5 days with my first internal bleed from my esophagus veins growing in my throat. My disease has come back to life with avengence, new clots and bleeding mean it is time to take another step forward in a different direction. something else must be done, but what? Lost 3 units of blood and received my first blood transfusion. Scary! Full of fear. Alone. Allergic reaction to my blood transfusion lands me in the ICU, I almost died. Dr's are confused and don't know what to tell me or where I need to go. They can't help me here. Doesn't anyone care??? Please don't leave me alone to die! If you don't know what to do how am I?
March- got an offer on our house and sold it. Timing= Horrible. But like I said to Steve "We have to take a leap of faith and put our trust in God that He WILL help us through this, we need to let it go". Have to be out by the end of the month. Church and family help us pack and move. Help us find a rental home. Steve and I go to U of M, Cleveland clinic, and Detroit in search of answers, hope, someone that may know what I need to do to save my life. 3 different opinions. Now We must choose.
April- bypass surgery done at Detroit hospital. Artificial Splenorenal shunt placed in my abdomen cut entirely open during a 5 hour surgery. 8 days in the hospital again far away from my kids and family. collapsed lungs, pain and suffering. Why on earth is this happening to ME? What have I done Lord to deserve this road I have been driving for the past 2 years of my life.....Horrible experience.
May-June- recovery. slow. Not able to take care of my own children. living in an adorable rental farm house on 20 acres of peacefulness and serenity. Gaining strength back, thanking the Lord that I am alive...I have made it so far. There were many days that I wanted Him to take me home. I didn't think I had what it took to make it. Loneliness and pain, suffering, fear, doubt....all sink in.
July- bought new home. Time to start anew!! Moving time again. Feeling good and blessed to have my family and friends that love me so much to help me through this far.
August- smash and break my finger, wedding ring cut off due to bloodthinners and complications. Followed by camping and enjoying time alone with my kids, the Lord, filled with gratitude. Luke breaks his arm and has to have his in a cast for 6 weeks. Poor buddy.
Sept-December- settling in to our new home and loving it! Surrounded with family and friends. Karlies in Kindergarten all day and everyday, changing leaps and bounds before my eyes. I wonder if she will ever know how much her momma loves her? That I want to protect her, guide her, and for her to live life to the fullest with a relationship with the Lord! Instead she just rolls her eyes at me and already gives me the shoulder :( Lukes moms little buddy, usually sick with allergies, asthma and bronchitis. Visit to Detroit to see surgeon for 8 month followup. He brings tears and joy. I have come sooo far when we compare to prior CT's when I was really sick. My bypass is OPEN and working well. BUT vessels are enlarging, liver is growing, not as much blood is going thru liver as anticipated, lifelong injections of bloodthinner make me scared....We must wait and see.....Will it stay open? Will bloodthinners cause a catastrophe again of bleeding out, what if we can't stop it? What if its in my brain? I see too much Lisa at work....Put your faith and trust in God. My life is in His hands and only He knows the answers to this all. Live each day as if it were my last. Enjoy my kids and loved ones to the fullest. Spend every day with the Lord and serving Him. My goal. My will. It will be done.
Thank you Lord for my life. Forgive me when I complain about its lumps and bumps :) For blessing me with my friends and family that have been with me through this year, for being there to help with my children when I couldn't be. For giving me the strength I needed to go on, for telling me To fight and keep trying when I have felt like giving up. For holding my hand when I was scared and alone, lying in hospital beds, visiting dr's, and fighting for my life. Thank you for providing us with Dr. Aboujould and providing him with the knowledge, wisdom and skill to see the whole picture and what was needed to fix Lisa, not just another patient. For guiding his hands during the surgery and for allowing all to go well so far. Thank you for our church, the prayers, meals, cards, flowers, the Veltemas and their generous hearts allowing us use of their storage units and their adorable farm house that we could call home while I was recovering and healing while searching for our next home. Thank you for leading us to our new home, it is perfect for us! It is so beautiful and we are so happy there! It will be filled with so many wonderful memories for years and years to come. Thank you for loving me and for sacrificing your life for mine. I pray that I live my life each day to the fullest for you and bring glory to your name for all the goodness, love and mercy you have given. Please help my little light shine to everyone around so they may see the Love I have for you and teach me how to show them the love you have for them so that they may know you too! Thank you for drawing me closer to you through this all. You have blessed me in more ways than I deserve and I am forever grateful for all that you have done. Please, continue to hold my hand in the time that lies ahead however long that may be..... May I always lean on the promises that you have proven to me to be so true. I will Trust in you with all of my heart, and when I am taken home, I know that I will be with you.
2011 A YEAR OF TRIALS AND A YEAR OF BLESSINGS!!!
February- Hospitalized for 5 days with my first internal bleed from my esophagus veins growing in my throat. My disease has come back to life with avengence, new clots and bleeding mean it is time to take another step forward in a different direction. something else must be done, but what? Lost 3 units of blood and received my first blood transfusion. Scary! Full of fear. Alone. Allergic reaction to my blood transfusion lands me in the ICU, I almost died. Dr's are confused and don't know what to tell me or where I need to go. They can't help me here. Doesn't anyone care??? Please don't leave me alone to die! If you don't know what to do how am I?
March- got an offer on our house and sold it. Timing= Horrible. But like I said to Steve "We have to take a leap of faith and put our trust in God that He WILL help us through this, we need to let it go". Have to be out by the end of the month. Church and family help us pack and move. Help us find a rental home. Steve and I go to U of M, Cleveland clinic, and Detroit in search of answers, hope, someone that may know what I need to do to save my life. 3 different opinions. Now We must choose.
April- bypass surgery done at Detroit hospital. Artificial Splenorenal shunt placed in my abdomen cut entirely open during a 5 hour surgery. 8 days in the hospital again far away from my kids and family. collapsed lungs, pain and suffering. Why on earth is this happening to ME? What have I done Lord to deserve this road I have been driving for the past 2 years of my life.....Horrible experience.
May-June- recovery. slow. Not able to take care of my own children. living in an adorable rental farm house on 20 acres of peacefulness and serenity. Gaining strength back, thanking the Lord that I am alive...I have made it so far. There were many days that I wanted Him to take me home. I didn't think I had what it took to make it. Loneliness and pain, suffering, fear, doubt....all sink in.
July- bought new home. Time to start anew!! Moving time again. Feeling good and blessed to have my family and friends that love me so much to help me through this far.
August- smash and break my finger, wedding ring cut off due to bloodthinners and complications. Followed by camping and enjoying time alone with my kids, the Lord, filled with gratitude. Luke breaks his arm and has to have his in a cast for 6 weeks. Poor buddy.
Sept-December- settling in to our new home and loving it! Surrounded with family and friends. Karlies in Kindergarten all day and everyday, changing leaps and bounds before my eyes. I wonder if she will ever know how much her momma loves her? That I want to protect her, guide her, and for her to live life to the fullest with a relationship with the Lord! Instead she just rolls her eyes at me and already gives me the shoulder :( Lukes moms little buddy, usually sick with allergies, asthma and bronchitis. Visit to Detroit to see surgeon for 8 month followup. He brings tears and joy. I have come sooo far when we compare to prior CT's when I was really sick. My bypass is OPEN and working well. BUT vessels are enlarging, liver is growing, not as much blood is going thru liver as anticipated, lifelong injections of bloodthinner make me scared....We must wait and see.....Will it stay open? Will bloodthinners cause a catastrophe again of bleeding out, what if we can't stop it? What if its in my brain? I see too much Lisa at work....Put your faith and trust in God. My life is in His hands and only He knows the answers to this all. Live each day as if it were my last. Enjoy my kids and loved ones to the fullest. Spend every day with the Lord and serving Him. My goal. My will. It will be done.
Thank you Lord for my life. Forgive me when I complain about its lumps and bumps :) For blessing me with my friends and family that have been with me through this year, for being there to help with my children when I couldn't be. For giving me the strength I needed to go on, for telling me To fight and keep trying when I have felt like giving up. For holding my hand when I was scared and alone, lying in hospital beds, visiting dr's, and fighting for my life. Thank you for providing us with Dr. Aboujould and providing him with the knowledge, wisdom and skill to see the whole picture and what was needed to fix Lisa, not just another patient. For guiding his hands during the surgery and for allowing all to go well so far. Thank you for our church, the prayers, meals, cards, flowers, the Veltemas and their generous hearts allowing us use of their storage units and their adorable farm house that we could call home while I was recovering and healing while searching for our next home. Thank you for leading us to our new home, it is perfect for us! It is so beautiful and we are so happy there! It will be filled with so many wonderful memories for years and years to come. Thank you for loving me and for sacrificing your life for mine. I pray that I live my life each day to the fullest for you and bring glory to your name for all the goodness, love and mercy you have given. Please help my little light shine to everyone around so they may see the Love I have for you and teach me how to show them the love you have for them so that they may know you too! Thank you for drawing me closer to you through this all. You have blessed me in more ways than I deserve and I am forever grateful for all that you have done. Please, continue to hold my hand in the time that lies ahead however long that may be..... May I always lean on the promises that you have proven to me to be so true. I will Trust in you with all of my heart, and when I am taken home, I know that I will be with you.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
6 MONTHS OF LIFE GIVEN
I FORGOT TO LOOK HOW LONG ITS BEEN SINCE I WROTE LAST, BUT I MISS IT! ITS BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE APRIL 11,2011 THE DAY THAT CHANGED MY LIFE. A LIFE WITH LIVING WITH A SPLENO-RENAL SHUNT A FAKE TUBE PLACED IN MY BODY TO BALANCE THE INTERNAL BLOOD PRESSURE SYSTEMS THAT WERE BACKED UP AND NOT WITHHOLDING THE PRESSURE. 6 MONTHS OF NEW LIFE RULES 1. DRINKING A 2LITER OF WATER A DAY (TO KEEP BLOOD THIN AND FLOWING, IM NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS!!!!) 2. GIVING MYSELF 2 INJECTIONS OF BLOOD THINNER A DAY (BEEN DOING THIS FOR 2 YEARS SO NOTHING MAJOR HERE) 3. NEVER ALLOWING MYSELF TO GET OUT OF THE HEART RATE ZONE OF 140.....THIS HAS BEEN HARD!!!
3 WEEKS AGO I RETURNED TO THE GYM. I WAS A RUNNER MADE FOR TIME AND SPEED, RUNNING FOR THE DISTANCE....READY TO RUN MY FIRST MARATHON. NOW I CAN'T. I'M TOLD BY MY DOCTOR TO NEVER DO THAT AGAIN... AT FIRST I CRIED, SOMETIMES I STILL COULD BUT I AM LEARNING THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT AND I CANT CHANGE THE FACTS SO I HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT. OK, SO I CAN DO THIS, I WILL WALK AND JOG. STRAPPED ON MY NEW HEART RATE MONITOR AND HIT THE TREADMILL. 5 MINUTES LATER I HAD TO DROP IT DOWN TO A 4.3 SPEED B/C MY HEART RATE JUMPED INTO THE 155'S. WHAT??? THIS IS NOTHING!!! SO I TRIED A CLASS...OK OK, SO IT WAS CALLED "HOUR OF POWER" MAYBE NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY. JACKIE AND I HIT THE MATS. 5 MINUTES INTO THE CLASS DURING WARM UP I LOOK AT MY WATCH 166! WARM-UP FOLKS!!! I PICKED UP MY MAT, WALKED AWAY AND MY EYES FILLED WITH TEARS. I KNOW, STUPID RIGHT? HOW CAN I BE CRYING WHEN I AM ALIVE!! I WENT BACK TO THE TREADMILL AND WALKED A NICE PACE AND GOT A GRIP OF MY EMOTIONS AND SAID I BETTER SUCK IT UP AND BE THANKFUL AND REJOICE IN THE LORD FOR THE LIFE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN INSTEAD OF FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. NOT LOOKING AT TIME/SPEED/DISTANCE HAS BEEN HARD AND NOW I FOCUS ON ON LITTLE THING, A HEART, ITS MY HEART, AND IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE!!!!
SO I AM ADJUSTING TO SLOWING DOWN, WELL AT THE GYM AT LEAST :)PRAISING GOD FOR WHAT I CAN DO, FOR THE STRENGTH HE HAS GIVEN ME, FOR THE BODY HE HAS GIVEN ME EVEN AS ITS GETTING OLD, GRAY, AND WRINKLY... ITS HARD!!! I DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE YEAR OF LIFE I AM IN, THE FACT THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH, SURGERY, SEDATION'S, PROCEDURES, THAT MY BODY WENT INTO A SHOCK MODE BUT MAN, I AM LOOKING OLD THESE DAYS!!! NO WOMAN I DON'T CARE WHO SHE IS, ENJOYS LOOKING AT THE WRINKLES SETTLING, THE GRAY HAIRS APPEARING, ACNE IN THEIR 30'S! BUT THEN AGAIN, I LOOK AT WHAT I KNOW NOW COMPARED TO THEN AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO CHANGE THAT A BIT....
I THINK ABOUT THE PAST 6 MONTHS AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH IT TO BRING GLORY AND HONOR TO GOD? IF I DO DIE TOMORROW WOULD HE BE HAPPY WITH ME? IT MAKES ME HUMBLE AND HONESTLY FEEL REALLY BAD. HE SAVED MY LIFE HERE ON EARTH A SECOND TIME AND WHAT HAVE I DONE TO SAY THANKS? I LIKE TO THINK THAT I AM A MUCH BETTER PERSON BUT AM I? I THINK SO IN MY HEART, IN MY THOUGHTS AND MY RELATIONSHIP TO THE LORD IS SO MUCH STRONGER BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I AM A BIG FAILURE....DO I RELY ON HIM ONLY WHEN I NEED HIM OR EVERYDAY? DO I RELY ON HIM WITH ALL MY MIGHT WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GOOD OR ONLY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD? I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT THE LIGHT THAT HAS BEEN GLOWING WITHIN MY HEART TO SHINE BRIGHTLY FOR ALL TO SEE SO THAT THEY CAN NOT THINK THAT I AM THIS AWESOME PERSON, B/C I AM NOT, BUT TO SAY, THE LORD CAN WORK MIRACLES AND I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN, THRU TRIALS COME BLESSINGS!!! THRU TRIALS COMES A GREATER KNOWLEDGE OF GOD THE FATHER, SPIRIT AND SON!!! THRU TRIALS I WILL NEVER LOOK AT LIFE THE SAME WAY AGAIN!!! I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING AND EXPERIENCE IT HAS BEEN. BUT IS THAT ONLY B/C I HAD A GOOD OUTCOME? ONLY B/C THINGS ARE GOOD NOW? WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T CHANGE AND I HAD TO SUFFER EVERY DAY WOULD I BE THAT POSITIVE. I CAN ONLY PRAY.
ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER CT AND UNFORTUNATELY I GOT SOME BAD NEWS THIS WEEK....I WENT TO MY NEW PRIMARY DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT THE NICEST MAN TO TALK TOO, BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT I HAD A HERNIA DEVELOPING IN MY INCISION WHERE I WAS CUT IN MY BELLY. HE TOOK A LOOK AND SAID YUP, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? I ASKED WHAT HE MEANT AND I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY AGAIN TO FIX THAT. NOTHING MAJOR I AM SURE BUT STILL, ANOTHER SURGERY? HE ASKED ME WHERE I WANTED TO HAVE IT DONE. I TOLD HIM THAT I AM NOT DOING A THING UNTIL I TALK TO MY SURGEON IN DETROIT. SO I SENT SOME PICS TO MY SURGEON FROM THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN MY STOMACH WAS LOOKING TERRIBLE! IT WAS SWOLLEN, AND THAT HERNIA WAS LOOKING REALLY BAD. HE EMAILED ME BACK THE OTHER DAY AND SAID THAT HE WAS NOT SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF THE PHOTO: A. EITHER A HERNIA OR B. A COLLATERAL VEIN
WE WILL NOT KNOW UNTIL I HAVE A CT SCAN DONE ON MONDAY. A COLLATERAL VEIN???!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? FEAR IMMEDIATELY SHOOK MY WHOLE BODY AND I WANTED TO CRY BUT THE LORD GAVE ME A NEW PEACE, SOMETHING I NEVER FELT BEFORE. IF THIS "THING" IS A COLLATERAL VEIN THAT MEANS THINGS ARE GOING TERRIBLY WRONG INSIDE AND I AM NOT FIXED AFTER ALL. MILLIONS OF THOUGHTS WENT RUNNING THROUGH MY BRAIN!!!
- SHUNTS ARE MOST LIKELY TO FAIL IN THE FIRST 2 YEARS
- WHEN I LEFT DETROIT I SAID HOW WILL WE KNOW THAT IT ISN'T WORKING? HE SAID THAT I WOULD GET COLLATERAL VEINS "ACCESSORY VEINS" IN MY BELLY. WE CUT THE VEIN GOING TO MY THROAT THAT CAUSED MY INTERNAL BLEED SO NOW IF WE GET BACK PRESSURE THE ONLY PLACE FOR IT TO GO IS TO BUILD AND DEVELOP NEW VEINS IN MY BELLY.
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, WHAT DO I HAVE? ARE WE MISSING SOMETHING? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AND HOW DID I GET THIS? HOW CAN THIS BE?
- IM GONNA HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND KIDS AGAIN!!
WHAT IF THIS, WHAT IF THAT.....MY BRAIN HAS BEEN ON OVERDRIVE AND I AM SCARED. VERY VERY SCARED. BUT THIS TIME I KNOW THE LORD. I KNOW HE IS WITH ME. I KNOW HE FEELS MY PAIN, MY SADNESS, HE WANTS TO COMFORT ME, HE WANTS TO PROTECT ME, HE IS MY EVERYTHING AND I NEED TO GO TO HIM AND COUNT ON HIM FOR ALL THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO RID MY MIND OF BAD IDEAS....WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE WHAT IT IS.....WHATEVER IT IS I HAVE TO FACE IT. I CAN'T RUN OR HIDE AND GOD WILL BE THERE HOLDING MY HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
3 WEEKS AGO I RETURNED TO THE GYM. I WAS A RUNNER MADE FOR TIME AND SPEED, RUNNING FOR THE DISTANCE....READY TO RUN MY FIRST MARATHON. NOW I CAN'T. I'M TOLD BY MY DOCTOR TO NEVER DO THAT AGAIN... AT FIRST I CRIED, SOMETIMES I STILL COULD BUT I AM LEARNING THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT AND I CANT CHANGE THE FACTS SO I HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT. OK, SO I CAN DO THIS, I WILL WALK AND JOG. STRAPPED ON MY NEW HEART RATE MONITOR AND HIT THE TREADMILL. 5 MINUTES LATER I HAD TO DROP IT DOWN TO A 4.3 SPEED B/C MY HEART RATE JUMPED INTO THE 155'S. WHAT??? THIS IS NOTHING!!! SO I TRIED A CLASS...OK OK, SO IT WAS CALLED "HOUR OF POWER" MAYBE NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY. JACKIE AND I HIT THE MATS. 5 MINUTES INTO THE CLASS DURING WARM UP I LOOK AT MY WATCH 166! WARM-UP FOLKS!!! I PICKED UP MY MAT, WALKED AWAY AND MY EYES FILLED WITH TEARS. I KNOW, STUPID RIGHT? HOW CAN I BE CRYING WHEN I AM ALIVE!! I WENT BACK TO THE TREADMILL AND WALKED A NICE PACE AND GOT A GRIP OF MY EMOTIONS AND SAID I BETTER SUCK IT UP AND BE THANKFUL AND REJOICE IN THE LORD FOR THE LIFE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN INSTEAD OF FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. NOT LOOKING AT TIME/SPEED/DISTANCE HAS BEEN HARD AND NOW I FOCUS ON ON LITTLE THING, A HEART, ITS MY HEART, AND IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE!!!!
SO I AM ADJUSTING TO SLOWING DOWN, WELL AT THE GYM AT LEAST :)PRAISING GOD FOR WHAT I CAN DO, FOR THE STRENGTH HE HAS GIVEN ME, FOR THE BODY HE HAS GIVEN ME EVEN AS ITS GETTING OLD, GRAY, AND WRINKLY... ITS HARD!!! I DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE YEAR OF LIFE I AM IN, THE FACT THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH, SURGERY, SEDATION'S, PROCEDURES, THAT MY BODY WENT INTO A SHOCK MODE BUT MAN, I AM LOOKING OLD THESE DAYS!!! NO WOMAN I DON'T CARE WHO SHE IS, ENJOYS LOOKING AT THE WRINKLES SETTLING, THE GRAY HAIRS APPEARING, ACNE IN THEIR 30'S! BUT THEN AGAIN, I LOOK AT WHAT I KNOW NOW COMPARED TO THEN AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO CHANGE THAT A BIT....
I THINK ABOUT THE PAST 6 MONTHS AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH IT TO BRING GLORY AND HONOR TO GOD? IF I DO DIE TOMORROW WOULD HE BE HAPPY WITH ME? IT MAKES ME HUMBLE AND HONESTLY FEEL REALLY BAD. HE SAVED MY LIFE HERE ON EARTH A SECOND TIME AND WHAT HAVE I DONE TO SAY THANKS? I LIKE TO THINK THAT I AM A MUCH BETTER PERSON BUT AM I? I THINK SO IN MY HEART, IN MY THOUGHTS AND MY RELATIONSHIP TO THE LORD IS SO MUCH STRONGER BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I AM A BIG FAILURE....DO I RELY ON HIM ONLY WHEN I NEED HIM OR EVERYDAY? DO I RELY ON HIM WITH ALL MY MIGHT WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GOOD OR ONLY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD? I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT THE LIGHT THAT HAS BEEN GLOWING WITHIN MY HEART TO SHINE BRIGHTLY FOR ALL TO SEE SO THAT THEY CAN NOT THINK THAT I AM THIS AWESOME PERSON, B/C I AM NOT, BUT TO SAY, THE LORD CAN WORK MIRACLES AND I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN, THRU TRIALS COME BLESSINGS!!! THRU TRIALS COMES A GREATER KNOWLEDGE OF GOD THE FATHER, SPIRIT AND SON!!! THRU TRIALS I WILL NEVER LOOK AT LIFE THE SAME WAY AGAIN!!! I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING AND EXPERIENCE IT HAS BEEN. BUT IS THAT ONLY B/C I HAD A GOOD OUTCOME? ONLY B/C THINGS ARE GOOD NOW? WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T CHANGE AND I HAD TO SUFFER EVERY DAY WOULD I BE THAT POSITIVE. I CAN ONLY PRAY.
ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER CT AND UNFORTUNATELY I GOT SOME BAD NEWS THIS WEEK....I WENT TO MY NEW PRIMARY DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT THE NICEST MAN TO TALK TOO, BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT I HAD A HERNIA DEVELOPING IN MY INCISION WHERE I WAS CUT IN MY BELLY. HE TOOK A LOOK AND SAID YUP, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? I ASKED WHAT HE MEANT AND I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY AGAIN TO FIX THAT. NOTHING MAJOR I AM SURE BUT STILL, ANOTHER SURGERY? HE ASKED ME WHERE I WANTED TO HAVE IT DONE. I TOLD HIM THAT I AM NOT DOING A THING UNTIL I TALK TO MY SURGEON IN DETROIT. SO I SENT SOME PICS TO MY SURGEON FROM THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN MY STOMACH WAS LOOKING TERRIBLE! IT WAS SWOLLEN, AND THAT HERNIA WAS LOOKING REALLY BAD. HE EMAILED ME BACK THE OTHER DAY AND SAID THAT HE WAS NOT SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF THE PHOTO: A. EITHER A HERNIA OR B. A COLLATERAL VEIN
WE WILL NOT KNOW UNTIL I HAVE A CT SCAN DONE ON MONDAY. A COLLATERAL VEIN???!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? FEAR IMMEDIATELY SHOOK MY WHOLE BODY AND I WANTED TO CRY BUT THE LORD GAVE ME A NEW PEACE, SOMETHING I NEVER FELT BEFORE. IF THIS "THING" IS A COLLATERAL VEIN THAT MEANS THINGS ARE GOING TERRIBLY WRONG INSIDE AND I AM NOT FIXED AFTER ALL. MILLIONS OF THOUGHTS WENT RUNNING THROUGH MY BRAIN!!!
- SHUNTS ARE MOST LIKELY TO FAIL IN THE FIRST 2 YEARS
- WHEN I LEFT DETROIT I SAID HOW WILL WE KNOW THAT IT ISN'T WORKING? HE SAID THAT I WOULD GET COLLATERAL VEINS "ACCESSORY VEINS" IN MY BELLY. WE CUT THE VEIN GOING TO MY THROAT THAT CAUSED MY INTERNAL BLEED SO NOW IF WE GET BACK PRESSURE THE ONLY PLACE FOR IT TO GO IS TO BUILD AND DEVELOP NEW VEINS IN MY BELLY.
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, WHAT DO I HAVE? ARE WE MISSING SOMETHING? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AND HOW DID I GET THIS? HOW CAN THIS BE?
- IM GONNA HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND KIDS AGAIN!!
WHAT IF THIS, WHAT IF THAT.....MY BRAIN HAS BEEN ON OVERDRIVE AND I AM SCARED. VERY VERY SCARED. BUT THIS TIME I KNOW THE LORD. I KNOW HE IS WITH ME. I KNOW HE FEELS MY PAIN, MY SADNESS, HE WANTS TO COMFORT ME, HE WANTS TO PROTECT ME, HE IS MY EVERYTHING AND I NEED TO GO TO HIM AND COUNT ON HIM FOR ALL THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO RID MY MIND OF BAD IDEAS....WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE WHAT IT IS.....WHATEVER IT IS I HAVE TO FACE IT. I CAN'T RUN OR HIDE AND GOD WILL BE THERE HOLDING MY HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
MOMS FAVORITES OF JAN-JULY 2011
4TH OF JULY, CAMPING IN HOLLAND, MOMS SURGERY, MOVING, FARM LIFE, MY GREATEST BLESSINGS
AUGUST? THAT CAN'T BE!
I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone! I don't know why I am so surprised, but it just doesn't seem fair that when your life is going well and you start fully living life to its fullest and appreciate everything in a new way, it goes faster and faster. Like I say "EACH DAY IS A GIFT" and I sure wish I had the knowledge and Lord in my heart like I do today 10 years ago! But then again, I wouldn't be who I am today and I really have been greatly blessed.
I believe this has been the most amazing, stressful, chaos, saddest and happiest, blessed year I have ever had. I have been on the biggest roller coaster of my entire life all in one year!!! I almost died, sold a house, moved to a rental, had invasive bypass surgery, and bought a new house all within 8 months. I have hit rock bottom and begged for the Lord to do something when all it felt like was trial after trial coming my way, to a place of peace and gratitude.
what have we been doing....Feb, I was hospitalized at Metro with an internal bleed losing 4 units of blood as a result of my disease. That month we also sold our first home and had to be out by the end of the month. March we moved into a rental home in hudsonville. April 11,8 days spent at henry ford in detroit having vascular bypass surgery in attempts to "fix" me. May was spent recovering, crying, pain and suffering, wondering if I would ever feel like Lisa again, praying for the Lord to give me the strength to make it. June, we were led to our new home right by our old one!!! We found a home on 3 acres in the city and when we walked in, we both fell in love and felt like it was the one for us, for our family to stay for a long long time, Dave Ramsey approved! :) July 1 moving day again. We managed to sneak one week of camping in there at holland but we haven't done much due to the new home and enough on our plate. I also managed to break my finger and land back in the hospital due to complications from the break and being on blood thinners.( all b/c of a little broken finger!!!) My wedding ring had to be sawed off and my nail was drilled to relieve pressure from all the blood contained in it. What else can I do to myself? hhhhmmmmmmm....We have been BUSY!!!!!!!!!
Finally I can say we feel like we can take a breathe of relief. Every box has been unloaded, shelves are filled, we all have our own bedrooms again, room to run, ride dirtbikes, sitting in the middle of Gods beautiful nature. We even have had a visit from turkeys, deer, and other snakes and bugs. The kids no longer say they want to go home to the "farm house" and call our house, home. Steve and I will sit up late at night sitting on our couch watching tv looking around and we still can't believe it is our home. It is beautiful! I feel sooooo blessed. Its our greatest dream come true. Its a home just right for the Jongsma's. It doesn't scream "hey look at me, look how BIG I am" and if you didn't know where it was, you would never know it existed. No neighbors to have to "keep up with the jones' all looking at what you got and under constant "eye" as they say. That is great with me! New furniture, new house, lots of room, acreage, room for dads future barn/man cave, dirtbike trails! Its so peaceful and quiet, the scenery is beautiful. It has plenty of work needed: new landscaping, driveway, future hot tub :), rooms need to be painted, trampoline, maybe even a pool someday but that will all come in time, can't have everything! For now, I am just going to spend the last month of summer RELAXING! spending some quality time focusing on my little blessings.
This year I have felt like the worse mom I could ever be. I have been gone, hospitalized, recovering, moving, packing, unpacking, trying to get stuff "done" and I feel like I have totally ignored the kids. Its hard to do it all. I LOVE my kids! They are the greatest blessing ever and this year has been soooo crazy. I know alot of it isn't my fault, but sometimes you just can't help but wonder, if your a bad parent. "just a minute, I can't right now, moms too busy, b/c we can't, b/c we have to get this stuff done so we can live, don't jump on mom, watch out for moms stomach, watch out for moms finger, I'm tired, b/c mom is sick, just b/c mom said so" all words that my kids are probably so sick of hearing this year!!!! Someday I hope they can look back and realize that I did everything I could all for them! I try my best, I know I will fail, but with God, I pray that someday they realize how lucky they were to have mom alive to love them.
All in all a very blessed year in so many ways. The Lord has given me strength I never knew I had. When I smashed my finger some said "do you ever feel like Job?" :) YES!!! I don't know why, but the Lord likes to keep sending trials my way and sometimes He just doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been reading alot about trials, suffering and Gods providence. I feel Him speak to me alot lately, and then I question, what does He want from me? What is HIS purpose for my life? I'm not sure. I could do many things. I love my job and maybe He wants me to learn to witness to my patients b/c I too have been there. Every day that I go to work I pray that the Lord would use me, show His love to those that need it. Smile when someone needs a smile, listen when they want someone to listen, sympathize. Unless you have been there you really don't understand. Just like losing a loved one, spouse, child, injury that affects your whole life, cancer...You cannot understand how it feels unless you have been there and it is a journey I do not wish upon anyone. But I am here. I am alive. I am healed (I think). I have a stronger and alive faith that I never had before. Maybe thats all He wanted. To wake Lisa up. to make me live each day as if it were my last. It has all changed my life FOREVER!!! In soooooooo many good ways, He has blessed me. Thank you Lord. Thank you for my family, my husband, my beautiful children, our new home....For showing me grace when I am so undeserving of it all. I love the Lord with all my heart and I know He is real and alive within me and what a feeling that is!!! I owe all that I am and have to Him.
I believe this has been the most amazing, stressful, chaos, saddest and happiest, blessed year I have ever had. I have been on the biggest roller coaster of my entire life all in one year!!! I almost died, sold a house, moved to a rental, had invasive bypass surgery, and bought a new house all within 8 months. I have hit rock bottom and begged for the Lord to do something when all it felt like was trial after trial coming my way, to a place of peace and gratitude.
what have we been doing....Feb, I was hospitalized at Metro with an internal bleed losing 4 units of blood as a result of my disease. That month we also sold our first home and had to be out by the end of the month. March we moved into a rental home in hudsonville. April 11,8 days spent at henry ford in detroit having vascular bypass surgery in attempts to "fix" me. May was spent recovering, crying, pain and suffering, wondering if I would ever feel like Lisa again, praying for the Lord to give me the strength to make it. June, we were led to our new home right by our old one!!! We found a home on 3 acres in the city and when we walked in, we both fell in love and felt like it was the one for us, for our family to stay for a long long time, Dave Ramsey approved! :) July 1 moving day again. We managed to sneak one week of camping in there at holland but we haven't done much due to the new home and enough on our plate. I also managed to break my finger and land back in the hospital due to complications from the break and being on blood thinners.( all b/c of a little broken finger!!!) My wedding ring had to be sawed off and my nail was drilled to relieve pressure from all the blood contained in it. What else can I do to myself? hhhhmmmmmmm....We have been BUSY!!!!!!!!!
Finally I can say we feel like we can take a breathe of relief. Every box has been unloaded, shelves are filled, we all have our own bedrooms again, room to run, ride dirtbikes, sitting in the middle of Gods beautiful nature. We even have had a visit from turkeys, deer, and other snakes and bugs. The kids no longer say they want to go home to the "farm house" and call our house, home. Steve and I will sit up late at night sitting on our couch watching tv looking around and we still can't believe it is our home. It is beautiful! I feel sooooo blessed. Its our greatest dream come true. Its a home just right for the Jongsma's. It doesn't scream "hey look at me, look how BIG I am" and if you didn't know where it was, you would never know it existed. No neighbors to have to "keep up with the jones' all looking at what you got and under constant "eye" as they say. That is great with me! New furniture, new house, lots of room, acreage, room for dads future barn/man cave, dirtbike trails! Its so peaceful and quiet, the scenery is beautiful. It has plenty of work needed: new landscaping, driveway, future hot tub :), rooms need to be painted, trampoline, maybe even a pool someday but that will all come in time, can't have everything! For now, I am just going to spend the last month of summer RELAXING! spending some quality time focusing on my little blessings.
This year I have felt like the worse mom I could ever be. I have been gone, hospitalized, recovering, moving, packing, unpacking, trying to get stuff "done" and I feel like I have totally ignored the kids. Its hard to do it all. I LOVE my kids! They are the greatest blessing ever and this year has been soooo crazy. I know alot of it isn't my fault, but sometimes you just can't help but wonder, if your a bad parent. "just a minute, I can't right now, moms too busy, b/c we can't, b/c we have to get this stuff done so we can live, don't jump on mom, watch out for moms stomach, watch out for moms finger, I'm tired, b/c mom is sick, just b/c mom said so" all words that my kids are probably so sick of hearing this year!!!! Someday I hope they can look back and realize that I did everything I could all for them! I try my best, I know I will fail, but with God, I pray that someday they realize how lucky they were to have mom alive to love them.
All in all a very blessed year in so many ways. The Lord has given me strength I never knew I had. When I smashed my finger some said "do you ever feel like Job?" :) YES!!! I don't know why, but the Lord likes to keep sending trials my way and sometimes He just doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been reading alot about trials, suffering and Gods providence. I feel Him speak to me alot lately, and then I question, what does He want from me? What is HIS purpose for my life? I'm not sure. I could do many things. I love my job and maybe He wants me to learn to witness to my patients b/c I too have been there. Every day that I go to work I pray that the Lord would use me, show His love to those that need it. Smile when someone needs a smile, listen when they want someone to listen, sympathize. Unless you have been there you really don't understand. Just like losing a loved one, spouse, child, injury that affects your whole life, cancer...You cannot understand how it feels unless you have been there and it is a journey I do not wish upon anyone. But I am here. I am alive. I am healed (I think). I have a stronger and alive faith that I never had before. Maybe thats all He wanted. To wake Lisa up. to make me live each day as if it were my last. It has all changed my life FOREVER!!! In soooooooo many good ways, He has blessed me. Thank you Lord. Thank you for my family, my husband, my beautiful children, our new home....For showing me grace when I am so undeserving of it all. I love the Lord with all my heart and I know He is real and alive within me and what a feeling that is!!! I owe all that I am and have to Him.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
TURNING TRIALS INTO GLADNESS AND PRAISE?
It is hard to believe that I am back to life, working, mom, wife, we even bought a house! When I think about this year, it is probably the most changing year I have ever experienced. At least I hope it is!! Bleed, hospitalizations, selling our house, moving into the farm house rental, and major surgery, now buying a new house! Wow!
Tomorrow it will be 10 weeks since my surgery and it already seems like years ago. I believe that is the way the Lord protects your mind and memory of the painful times. Look at us moms (or should I say SOME of us that didn't get it easy) we give birth sometimes taking 20+ hours, breaking our pelvis, almost dying and then we decide to do it all over again! The mind tries to erase those memories and time heals....
Have you ever thought about thanking God for sending trials or struggles in your life? Last week was one of the best feeling weeks I had. Really minimal pain and I even was going for walks with the dog and kids, and I had to admit that I am glad that the Lord brought me thru this and got my "attention". Wake up Lisa!!!
You see, for years I think us women spend wasted time and energy, stress and worry about things that DO NOT MATTER! We look at other "things" to fill the voids in our hearts that the Lord puts there for a reason in EVERYONE but that only HE can fill. I was looking for mine in my boyfriends, wishing I was prettier, skinnier, ex-fiances (ya 3 of them:) I call myself the runaway bride and when they didn't make me happy I would toss them aside) my husband, kids, job, friends, and even my own family and when they would let me down I was down. I often wondered why life had to be so hard? I never turned to God in those times NEAR like I should have but thats b/c I didn't really know Him. You can call yourself a christian all your life but if you don't have a relationship with Him, its no good, your life will still be looking downward and you will constantly be chasing something whatever it is, to fill that void.
I can honestly say that I don't have that anymore today. Because I have learned to fill that void with God. Friends have let me down and will contiune to do so, some friends come, some go, jealousy? Envy? Anger? Arguements? I don't know why, but it is a fact of life, women are so hard to get along with! I think that many of them are unhappy. That is why someday I want to write a book called "FINDING YOUR MISSING PEACE" and the cover will be displayed with puzzle pieces. You can look all over this world for that piece: clothes, shopping addictions, alcohol, spouse, children, friends, job success, the cars you drive, the house you live in, the perfect wife, CONSTANTLY trying to impress people. Who cares???? Do You think that if you died tomorrow you would care? Do you think anyone would remember you by that "stuff"? I know they won't! You can try to find all different pieces trying to put your life "together" perfectly, but it will never happen....Until you find the piece "GOD". That my friends is what makes your life complete and will change your life forever, that is when you will experience PEACE. It is awesome!!! You won't care about all the things you used too, and when your spouse lets you down, you will be ok b/c He isn't there to be your everything, quit putting him on a pedestal to fill your every need, God is. When your kids fail, and trust me, no one has perfect little bumbeenos, you will be OK, b/c our God loves you anyways and we aren't measured by what accomplishements we make in life in Gods eyes. Moms are never going to be perfect, we all will have our failures, but we can still keep going with a positive heart b/c we have each other and we have a Lord that loves us more than anything.
I honestly have had a complete transformation of my heart through this whole experience and for the first time ever, I actually said "thank you" to God for allowing it to happen. Some of you reading this might be rolling your eyes and thinking "ya right, whatever", and thats ok! I used to do the same thing when others would talk about the Lord and what He is to them, b/c I didn't understand. Roll your eyes all you want, you don't know me, you don't know my heart and my relationship with the Lord. It is something personal, something that must happen to each person in their own special way, and its possible thru a wide arrange of occurances in your own life if you recognize it! I am a better Lisa, wife, friend, sister, daughter, worker, because of it. Oh sure, I will have my failures, my faults, my sins, I will disappoint others, I am by no means telling you that I can now be perfect and I don't want to be. I want people to accept me for who I am on the inside, Don't judge a book by its cover, you know the saying.... b/c you just might be surprised what you actually find inside if you just allow yourself to try! I will have my struggles, and I will have to work constantly at staying close to the Lord but this time I WANT too. B/c when I am with Him I have peace and it is something that nothing in this world could ever give. I pray that I never forget this journey and what has been done, and the blessings the Lord has shown to me, to try my hardest not to take a day for granted, fill it with complaining, or being "down" b/c I have absolutely NO reason too, but rejoice! Look to the positive in all situations.
Yes I once wondered Why God allowed this to happen to me, It will forever and always be a part of me that I pray will keep me alive, but I know He did it for me b/c He loves me and I needed to learn to love Him. With the Lord we always have Hope. It taught me to rely on Him b/c really we have no one else. Only He can do all things and He reveiled himself to me in soooo many ways that there was no way that I could deny him any longer. I know that I will fail and have valleys again but I also know that I will make it through anything as long as I rely on Him. Where will this journey lead me? No one knows but Him but I believe that the Lord will use this experience for good. I am going to do my best to Share my experience, Serve Him and others (from my patients on my table, to friends, family, church and more), Grow more intimate with Him each day, and allow Him to move me in the direction He wants me to go.
You can do it too! find that missing Peace if you don't have it today! I will help you! Read the truth in the bible b/c it will never let you down, whatelse in this world can do that? All it takes is a single prayer...He will do the rest if you allow Him too.
Tomorrow it will be 10 weeks since my surgery and it already seems like years ago. I believe that is the way the Lord protects your mind and memory of the painful times. Look at us moms (or should I say SOME of us that didn't get it easy) we give birth sometimes taking 20+ hours, breaking our pelvis, almost dying and then we decide to do it all over again! The mind tries to erase those memories and time heals....
Have you ever thought about thanking God for sending trials or struggles in your life? Last week was one of the best feeling weeks I had. Really minimal pain and I even was going for walks with the dog and kids, and I had to admit that I am glad that the Lord brought me thru this and got my "attention". Wake up Lisa!!!
You see, for years I think us women spend wasted time and energy, stress and worry about things that DO NOT MATTER! We look at other "things" to fill the voids in our hearts that the Lord puts there for a reason in EVERYONE but that only HE can fill. I was looking for mine in my boyfriends, wishing I was prettier, skinnier, ex-fiances (ya 3 of them:) I call myself the runaway bride and when they didn't make me happy I would toss them aside) my husband, kids, job, friends, and even my own family and when they would let me down I was down. I often wondered why life had to be so hard? I never turned to God in those times NEAR like I should have but thats b/c I didn't really know Him. You can call yourself a christian all your life but if you don't have a relationship with Him, its no good, your life will still be looking downward and you will constantly be chasing something whatever it is, to fill that void.
I can honestly say that I don't have that anymore today. Because I have learned to fill that void with God. Friends have let me down and will contiune to do so, some friends come, some go, jealousy? Envy? Anger? Arguements? I don't know why, but it is a fact of life, women are so hard to get along with! I think that many of them are unhappy. That is why someday I want to write a book called "FINDING YOUR MISSING PEACE" and the cover will be displayed with puzzle pieces. You can look all over this world for that piece: clothes, shopping addictions, alcohol, spouse, children, friends, job success, the cars you drive, the house you live in, the perfect wife, CONSTANTLY trying to impress people. Who cares???? Do You think that if you died tomorrow you would care? Do you think anyone would remember you by that "stuff"? I know they won't! You can try to find all different pieces trying to put your life "together" perfectly, but it will never happen....Until you find the piece "GOD". That my friends is what makes your life complete and will change your life forever, that is when you will experience PEACE. It is awesome!!! You won't care about all the things you used too, and when your spouse lets you down, you will be ok b/c He isn't there to be your everything, quit putting him on a pedestal to fill your every need, God is. When your kids fail, and trust me, no one has perfect little bumbeenos, you will be OK, b/c our God loves you anyways and we aren't measured by what accomplishements we make in life in Gods eyes. Moms are never going to be perfect, we all will have our failures, but we can still keep going with a positive heart b/c we have each other and we have a Lord that loves us more than anything.
I honestly have had a complete transformation of my heart through this whole experience and for the first time ever, I actually said "thank you" to God for allowing it to happen. Some of you reading this might be rolling your eyes and thinking "ya right, whatever", and thats ok! I used to do the same thing when others would talk about the Lord and what He is to them, b/c I didn't understand. Roll your eyes all you want, you don't know me, you don't know my heart and my relationship with the Lord. It is something personal, something that must happen to each person in their own special way, and its possible thru a wide arrange of occurances in your own life if you recognize it! I am a better Lisa, wife, friend, sister, daughter, worker, because of it. Oh sure, I will have my failures, my faults, my sins, I will disappoint others, I am by no means telling you that I can now be perfect and I don't want to be. I want people to accept me for who I am on the inside, Don't judge a book by its cover, you know the saying.... b/c you just might be surprised what you actually find inside if you just allow yourself to try! I will have my struggles, and I will have to work constantly at staying close to the Lord but this time I WANT too. B/c when I am with Him I have peace and it is something that nothing in this world could ever give. I pray that I never forget this journey and what has been done, and the blessings the Lord has shown to me, to try my hardest not to take a day for granted, fill it with complaining, or being "down" b/c I have absolutely NO reason too, but rejoice! Look to the positive in all situations.
Yes I once wondered Why God allowed this to happen to me, It will forever and always be a part of me that I pray will keep me alive, but I know He did it for me b/c He loves me and I needed to learn to love Him. With the Lord we always have Hope. It taught me to rely on Him b/c really we have no one else. Only He can do all things and He reveiled himself to me in soooo many ways that there was no way that I could deny him any longer. I know that I will fail and have valleys again but I also know that I will make it through anything as long as I rely on Him. Where will this journey lead me? No one knows but Him but I believe that the Lord will use this experience for good. I am going to do my best to Share my experience, Serve Him and others (from my patients on my table, to friends, family, church and more), Grow more intimate with Him each day, and allow Him to move me in the direction He wants me to go.
You can do it too! find that missing Peace if you don't have it today! I will help you! Read the truth in the bible b/c it will never let you down, whatelse in this world can do that? All it takes is a single prayer...He will do the rest if you allow Him too.
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