I came home from work the other night to find Karlie and Luke all covered in band aids and blue marker. They had been playing "Doctor" and they each had big cuts with stitches on their belly's. Karlie said to me, "Now I am just like you mom!" She was so proud. It brought tears to my eyes b/c she loves me regardless of my ugly stomach and bruises, but I had to reflect on what I had gone through and I said "oh Karlie, mommy hopes and prays that you NEVER have to experience what mom went through and that you never get sick like me!"
Later that night I was having quiet time and thought about God's faithfulness to me, and how he brought struggles, trials and pain into my life and it caused me to break, mentally, spiritually and physically. I was crushed to pieces and spent a long time in anguish over my sickness but now I look back and I have to say that it was the BEST and WORST thing that has ever happened to me. The Lord broke me and saved my life both physically and spiritually. He transformed my heart into one that actively seeks to do His will, to live my life for HIM, not me and He has lead me to a life of tremendous blessing's and Joy. I am not good at explaining but its like my eyes have been opened and now I have this new knowledge that I just want to scream and tell it to everyone I know and meet b/c until you get "it/Him" you don't know what true joy and life can be!! There is sooo much more!
Then I pondered....Would I want my kids to go through what I have? In my heart and as a mother I have to honestly say no that it would kill me to watch, but if they received the blessings in the end and it transformed their hearts and lives into a life with Christ, I would have to say "ok Lord, you are in control, you know what it is going to take to bring them to you". WOW.....That would be soooooo hard!!! As parents all we want is the best for our kids, to have it "better" than we did, to be pain free and free from trials and suffering but God causes all of that for His ultimate purpose, not for our understanding! We can't protect them from it all or they won't come to realize and depend on the Lord in all times. I would cry with them and my heart would be heavy but I would only keep praying that they could see that through it all would come joy and peace. God can do amazing and wondrous things with a broken heart but he MUST get ALL the pieces. Would they surrender them to Him?
I was a lost sheep, NOT listening to the shepherds voice when I heard it. I was the rebellious child running from my Father. I look at my life before my disease struck and I was living a life chuck full of sin and down right evil....I didn't think I was, I was soooo blind to my own sin and prideful heart thinking that I had everything in control and this is just the way life is.... and maybe you can relate to some of these: self-righteous, self sufficient and independent thinking that I can do things when I want to, I can fix things, I am in control, I don't need help from anyone, I am fine, Steve needs to make me happy and if he doesn't I will show him, I can make him change if he doesn't, He's the one that needs to change NOT ME, my kids need to make me happy, a bigger house will make me happy, money would make me happy, never admitting I was ever wrong or getting defensive and blaming others if I was, I was pre-occupied with SELF. THEN God decided and thank the LORD HE did, "you think you can handle life on your own Lisa?" You think you don't need me in your life? That you can continue living a checklist (to-do's) and look like a christian without being one in your heart?" We will see about that..... Life is about God, not about Lisa. I didn't choose Brokenness, GOD did it to me. Maybe I suffered longer and harder b/c of that, but it happened and I thank God that it did. Do you believe you are chosen by God? I did, but that is where it ended, I continued to live life freely as I choose, but I was not free to choose my consequences of continuing to live a life that way.
He broke my pride and humbled my heart. My will was broken, I gave up the reigns and gave them to God so that HE could lead me. He showed me that I am NOT in control, I canNOT do things on my own and that I only need the Lord in my life, HE is what makes me happy! NOTHING ELSE will do!!! I could have NEVER made it through what I have been through without the Lord, I didn't have the strength to keep fighting, to live, HE helped give it to me. I reached a breaking point and threw up my hands to God pleading for Him to take my life, to HELP me, to be with me and hold my hand. I told Him that I cannot do this life alone without HIM. I never asked for help from anyone, and now was my time to lower my pride and humble myself and tell others, I need you. I needed my husband, I needed my parents, sisters, and friends.
Today I am continually humbled by the mere fact that God would actually care enough and love me so much to save me from my wretched state. He could have left me, He could have allowed me to continue living life in darkness and judge me on the last day of my earthly life....What would I have done for Him? I feel completely indebted to God, not for just being my physical healer but for being my spiritual one, for WHO HE IS! He opened my eyes and I feel like I have gained spiritual blessings!!! I cannot tell you enough how joyful life has become how amazing life is now, and how much BETTER it is!!! I am afraid that I will start living life in the routine of things, and forget about where I have been and how far I have come in Christ....What if I am blind to sin again? What if my passion and desire for God in my life fades? I will and cannot allow that to happen. I have seen His hand, I have witnessed His power, and His work in so many areas in which I cannot deny. I have to actively and intentionally live a life each and everyday for Him. For me, that is starting the day, my very first breathe with Him, I cannot make it on my own without first starting it with Him. If the uglies come out and I lash out for no apparent reason, then I need to stop, get on my knees and evaluate my heart and ask the Lord to reveal what uglies I need to get rid of.
Am I saying that I deserve a good old pat on the back? That I will never suffer again or have trials and struggles in my life, marriage and with my children, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! God isn't who He is to fix our problems and make life easy? I don't deserve anything. I didn't do a thing, God did. I only choose to take His hand and stepped out of myself and clung to Him instead. I know life is hard. I know we all continue to live in sin and that we have daily struggles, no one is perfect, but I want to daily choose a life of humbness and not one of pride. I want God to be enough, to be all I need everyday. The root of all sin and struggles can come back to pride. I am not here to judge you or analyze your life. You are responsible for your own life and choices. Wake up to the TRUTH, don't wait for tomorrow, tomorrow may be too late! Why not experience all the blessings and Joy found in the only one, CHRIST. The Truth found in Christ will set you FREE!!!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
2012 Summer fun
my newest swimmer!
Camping @ Conference grounds
Camping @ Holland
Millineum Park
2 blessings and so much more!
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