Tonight I told myself that I would go to bed as soon as the kids did b/c I have had an emotional and hard long day! Where am I now? Not there. Today I actually cried for someone I didn't know and I don't know if I can say I have done that before? They didn't see me, it wasn't right away, it was later, on my way home when I have no doubt in my heart the Lord knew what was weighing on my heart and mind and a song came on, and it spoke right to me. I have that happen SOOO many times!!! Tonight: Jeremy Camp, there will be a day, of no more tears, no more pain, no more fear.....Work was chaos and to top it, a mother of 3 teenage boys just found out that she has cancer, not a cancer that can be attacked, cancer that has already sabotaged her body and invaded every single organ and bone in her body with little to NO warning that it was in there, growing, spreading like wild fire....She has days, maybe months. Can you imagine? There are patients that are optimistic then there are patients that just don't have a chance and I can see that poison living inside killing them, eating away.....WHY? I have to be honest that this is the biggest area of my faith that I struggle with the most. It doesn't seem fair, why can some people that are evil live to 100? Why so young?
I did this with my own health too, but I know why now, I didn't at the time I was going through it and it was the worst time in my entire life, I thought I was JOB in the bible and didn't know how I was going to get through it, ONE thing after another, many people don't understand how low I was, how fearful of death, so sick, death was knocking on my door!! But what about this mom, she won't be alive later to look back and see why, she doesn't have a chance to have it change her life forever b/c she will be gone!
If I could die today and go live with the Lord would I say, take me Lord with open arms? I have to admit that I can't......That alone that I say that to the Lord makes me feel ashamed and sad b/c why? I SHOULD want to be with him today. It sure would beat the world and day in which we live!!! People are so mean, friends have turned their backs, women (I thought this would change the older I got too but that was a delusion) why can't they all just be happy for each other and support one another with love and friendship. Why jealousy? Why are we envious and why can't we be proud when their kids are better than ours? Why can't women say, she sure is beautiful, and not think, man she must be a bitch. When someone is crafty, why can't we say, you are so talented and creative what a gift, instead of thinking and rolling our eyes, there she goes again! I have to be honest, I have been hurt by soooo many people in my life and I just don't understand why? You know what? NO one in this world could give a shit and I am just beginning to realize that. No one cares. No one cares what kind of house you live in, what you drive, who you know, where you have been....ALL THAT MATTERS IN YOUR HEART WITH THE LORD. I have to Lord in my heart and I don't know what I would do without him. He is my everything and I do want to live with him. I wouldn't even know what I was missing nor would I care. The one thing obviously that keeps me here....My husband and my kids. I want and pray that I am here for them through their phases of life, to cheer them on, to support them, teach them, hold them, love them, be excited with them....Children are amazing and truly a gift from God.
I'll be honest, I don't spend as much time with my kids as I should, but I know it and I hate it. I love them more than anything and it is my prayer to be a better mom....I don't want to look back and say "why didn't I do more with them?" I don't want to be dead and have them wonder why mom needed a clean house, or sat on the computer, cleaned, did things that she shouldn't even care about!!! (Ok, I am not that bad and am probably being hard on myself b/c I DO alot with my kids) but I constantly remind myself of it. Because like I said before, No one gives a shit. I love my kids, they are so beautiful, I could lay in bed for hours staring at their little faces, smelling their blankies, just watching them....They are amazing, I cry b/c I can't have more! But, the Lord gave me 2 little miracles and I am going to try to be the best mom I can, mistakes in all!
