Today I feel really positive and good. Some days, I am more emotional....Sorry to those that I have just cried before you even start talking. I don't know why. Overall, I think I am doing good. Its b/c this isn't the first time and the more it happens, the more prepared I am, and I know what it means, I know how to fix it, but its still hard....
I think what makes it the most hard is not knowing. What is it? Why did it happen? Obviously there is something wrong with my body but no one knows why. It "just happened". My friend Dr at work said, "I am not at all surprised that you clotted again". Really? And hes right, I have heard it before, once you clot a vein, it has a high tendency to clot again, its damaged goods. Sweet!
My clots are what comes first. But its what these clots do to me thats the problem! My Gallbladder is damaged, my spleen is HUMONGOUS, one of my lobes of my liver is now gone b/c a permanent blood clot has destroyed the veins going to that lobe. Thank goodness your liver regenerates itself and my left lobe has now grown to compensate. Then the big risk is those "VEINS". When I say that, I mean the huge, ugly, varicose veins that have been created by my body to get around these clots and like going around my stomach and esophagus. These "veins" aren't supposed to be there. They are not the ones clotted, they are a major highway that my body has made in defense to get the blood it needs from somewhere else. Isn't it just AMAZING!!!! I am sooo mind-boggled when it comes to how the Lord made us. These "veins" scare the crap out of me to be completely honest. I don't feel them, I don't know when they are there, but if they are there, that means I have a "clogging" problem going on and things aren't flowing well and these "veins" could hemorrhage the bigger they get. This morning I started coughing up blood clots....Coincidence? Maybe. Is it b/c they increased my blood thinner? maybe. Are they those "veins" leaking? Maybe. IF they leak or burst, I could easily die. I will never forget the words of my awesome Dr. Serini "if you do nothing about them, within one year you will die". Why? Think about it. How are you going to stop ruptured veins inside of you? Its not like you can put a bandaid on them. You can't put pressure on them inside your throat. (well there is a helmet in the ER's I have discovered with a huge tube they would put on me and insert the tube to inflate and push against my throat) Can't you just picture me with a football helmet on laying in the ER....Eeeewww! That scares the crap out of me just thinking about it!!!
So, we will see. Back to 2 injections daily for life, I knew that was going to happen. I am awaiting my Dr Serini to call me today I hope, to get me into that office asap so we can see if there are those "veins" in there! And if they are, lets start wrapping them! Steve and I want to go on vacation to the Dominican, I haven't booked it yet, b/c last time I did, Dr. Serini told us not to go b/c my veins were too big and I needed to be within 5 min. of a hospital....Your not going to see me going anywhere until I know what those veins look like. So, hopefully its soon. I HATE getting them wrapped b/c it hurts for days and I can't eat. But I don't have any choice so I try not to complain.
You all know me, I am a strong little cookie. I am thankful each and every day that it is me, not someone else, and especially not my kids. Cancer is a reality in my eye every single day I go to work. I am alive, what I have is livable, and I thank the Lord every day that it is this and not that. God has been so good to me through all this. He has shown himself to me, made my marriage 10xs stronger, made me closer to my patients, more serving to others, more appreciative of my life, my health, made my faith alive, and if my sickness is what it takes to make all of that happen, then I would do it all over again.
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