Post Vein Wrapping....Can't sleep

Its 1am and I cannot sleep. The nice thing about the memory at least my lack of it, is that I don't remember being in this much pain last time but Steve does. I had my scope today to see if there were any veins in my throat and there were. Lots of them, Scary big and ugly, says Dr. Serini. When he says that, you know its not good. He had no choice he says but to start wrapping them. They wrap them b/c when they get big like that, they can rupture/hemorrhage, and mine are even getting red walled markings meaning those walls are very thin and it could happen at any time. Scary if they do obviously b/c I would start vomitting blood and I could die b/c I am on blood thinners at the same time.

I woke up from sedation and immediately knew that he had done something. I looked at the pictures and just cried. It looked so "pretty" just 9 months before, how can this all be happening again!!!????

I mentioned Cancer in a Facebook post earlier this week, No I don't have cancer, and I am VERY thankful to the great Lord that I don't, Trust me, I see it every day I am at work and there is nothing that breaks my heart more. But when people have cancer, they find out what kind, what to do about it, get a game plan, meet other friends that have that same kind of cancer to share thoughts, tears, joys and fears. I can't. No one knows whats wrong with me. No one knows how to fix it. Seems like we just keep putting band aids on me to hope I get by....Some say take your spleen out(its still huge!), some say its a clotting problem but we don't know which, some say its a flow issue and things dont' flow in my belly as fast as they should and this makes my blood clot, some say put shunts in the liver to make it flow faster, some raise their hands and even admit "I don't know." Is there anyone out there like me? It feels so lonely when you have no one to talk too b/c honestly no one understands how it feels when they don't know whats wrong with you or how to fix you......

I can see how Satan tries to bring me down. Health, or lack of it, can DEFINITELY play with your emotions BIG time. As some of you know, sometimes I just can't talk about it, sometimes I just start crying, somedays I am great and fine. Sorry to all of you that have caught me on my "bad" days :) Its really nothing you say or do, its just one of my "off" days and I am trying to be better at this and I am trying my hardest to be as positive as I can.

What now? I don't know. I have to go back to my hematologists and tell him the news, I have to talk to my surgeon at U of M and tell him the news, I am on double the blood thinners and go in a month to get more veins wrapped.

We will make it through this......Someday and somehow....All I can say is the Lord has a plan, He is holding my hand and I am sooo much better because I have Him with me. Thank you soooo much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, emails, you have no idea how much it means and I truly love all of you.