MAJOR DECISIONS

I pause before I begin this, not even sure where to begin....We had a consult on thursday and he gave lots of options (shunts, bypasses, venous reconstruction) all with negatives, some only last for a few years and need to be redone, some reclot and some don't work, some cause mental problems (I don't need to be any more crazy:) some might not even be possible b/c of all the clots I have inside. Unfortunately you are grey and there is no black and white with your case. We don't see this and we don't know why. Its not, oh, your Gallbladder is bad, it needs to come out. We don't know the answer. "Lets see what U of M has to say."

Wake up at 5am to head to U of M. I am sooo tired, so anxious, all I could do was pray the whole way. In a way, I was hoping they would admit me right then and there and just do something! I even had a bag packed in case I wouldn't be coming home. Mike (a world reknown liver transplant surgeon and close to my age! isn't that insane!) walks in, we hug. Hes a great guy and I have TREMENDOUS respect for him.

He pulls up my CT, looks at the ultrasound, and says....Heres my thoughts. I consider myself a Dr that doesn't jump right into surgery and tries alternative approaches first. When you came to me 2 years ago, we didn't know what the problem was and we tried cleaning the clot out, put you on blood thinners, and hoped for the best. That didn't work. The fact that you reclotted on blood thinners tells me something else is going on. We need to do something different, something more permanent, you have a "plumbing problem". Your blood system is like a pond, not a river. When you have a pond, things eventually start to grow in it and get all gungky. If it were a river, you wouldn't have that b/c things would keep moving.

I want to take your spleen out, connect the splenic vein to the renal vein (kidney) and create a shunt to bypass the new clot and relieve the internal pressure. I think this will cure you. I don't think you have a blood disorder, you have a flow problem. Why? We don't know....Maybe from pregnancy, maybe from your colon removal surgery (I had when I was 20). IF we do, it might reclot we don't know, I would keep you on blood thinners for maybe 2 years and if nothing, hopefully we can take you off them. The fact that your on that much blood thinner for the next 50 years potentially, your gonna have something happen just from that, I would like to get you off them. If it clots, we have taken away alot of options for future surgeries and procedures b/c then most of your veins are gone. You need an echo on your heart to make sure you can handle the surgery, immunizations for infections that people without spleens cannot fight, CT's to map your vessels, another ultrasound, we would cut you open from top to bottom, the surgery would take at least 6 hours and you would be in intensive care for at least 2 nights and in the hospital for 1 week. For 6-8 weeks after you cannot drive, you cannot work, you cannot be super mom. If you ever have a fever of 100 you need to go to the ER every time for life. Infections are the problem and what kills patients without spleens b/c they cannot fight them.

I am probably the only Dr in all of the midwest that does these types of surgeries. I found out that IS true, no one does it in michigan thats for sure.
He left the room and gave us time to think about what he said.

Steve and I just stared at each other....Me crying of coarse. We didn't even know what to say. In a way I was relieved to know that this could be the fix for life!! No blood thinners, I could actually be done with this all! Oh my word, I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that would be. But the big thing is his words "I THINK". If it didn't work, we would be screwed.

We left, not agreeing to anything, and told him that yes, we agree he is probably right, but we don't want to be "80%" sure, we don't want to know we are guessing. I called the Dr's from Thursdays meeting and he told me that if it were him and his wife, he would get a second opinion. Head to Cleveland, Mayo, Chicago, wherever that BEST vascular surgeon is and find him. If he agrees, then we know that we have 2 TOP brains thinking on the same page and we do it. BUT he also said, be prepared for a totally different opinion and then you are even more confused. Where do we go? He is going to help me find that 2nd opinion and asap steve and I will be heading there.

I went to bed last night at 8:30! Slept till 8:30am! Ya, mental R&R. I feel better today, I have millions of thoughts running through my head, don't know what to think or feel really.....My only comfort is knowing that the Lord has a plan. He is with me, He doesn't want to see me like this, He is going to help me get through it and give me the strength and help carry me, and I know that I will see Him if I am to leave this world.

TIME TO MOVE AND FIGHT!

I will admit it, I have really struggled this time. I have grieved more this time around than the first, or second. Maybe b/c I know that we haven't resolved anything like I thought, maybe b/c I know the pain that is to come and I am fearful of going through it again, or maybe b/c I realize that I am no better today than I was 2 years ago and I thought I was. I am not sure but boy has Satan had a hayday tearing me down. I think I cried all day this past Thursday and I was at work too! My surgeon from U of M sent me an email the night before saying that he had talked to my GI Dr. and to anticipate and plan for surgery. Thats all it said. No details, no this is what I am thinking, just the words Surgery.

So on my way to work I was talking with God, praying, and we had an amazing time together, the songs that came on my radio were like He was talking right to me! Even the songs from my blog came on! It made me cry even more b/c I knew and could feel He was with me and talking with me.
Satan has been putting so much doubt, fear in my head but I think I am over it now. Today I am ready to fight. I am ready to hit this head on and I KNOW that God is going to help me through it. There is No doubt in my mind that I can do this....I have done it before, and I am ready to do it again. I have cried enough and I am only going to look up, the Lord has me in his hands, I know he has cried and grieved with me, and we are going to do this!

I had an Ultrasound on friday revealing that most of the main blood vessels ARE flowing in the right direction. (this is good) BUT I have soooo many veins that are NOT supposed to be there, those new veins created to go around the clots, and those are the ones flowing in the wrong direction (not good). I have tons of clots, some of my vessels will never be open again. One of my lobes of my liver is almost gone, but the other one has grown bigger to compensate for the loss of the other. My spleen is getting even bigger! It is huge! Couldn't even fit it on the screen for measurement but we think it is over 21 cm, it was 18 last time, categorized as Extreme splenomegaly. (not good)

Game plan: Thursday I meet with the interventional radiologists from Spectrum/Metro/Holland and they will discuss what they think we should do. I am thinking that my liver surgeon wants to put a liver shunt in me like we had talked about before, but I want 2nd opinions. I am not having nothing done until we ALL feel confident about it b/c I don't want to just "guess" at the fix and suffer lifelong consequences for a bad decision. I was supposed to get one of those shunts before but that Dr wouldn't do it. Why? If he didn't, why do I want one now?
Friday I meet with my surgeon at U of M. He sent me another email after the results of the Ultrasound and says he has a "plan".
So I am excited for what the week has in store. Exploring the options, hearing what everyone out there is thinking. Maybe getting some answers. I may still go to Mayo with my case, we will see.
Till then, I am living one day at a time, loving my little bundles of JOY, thanking the Lord for each new day and giving God the glory for all the blessings in my life! Someday, this will all be a distant memory...................I praise you Lord for I am wonderful and fearfully made, even if I am "complicated" :)

Post Vein Wrapping....Can't sleep

Its 1am and I cannot sleep. The nice thing about the memory at least my lack of it, is that I don't remember being in this much pain last time but Steve does. I had my scope today to see if there were any veins in my throat and there were. Lots of them, Scary big and ugly, says Dr. Serini. When he says that, you know its not good. He had no choice he says but to start wrapping them. They wrap them b/c when they get big like that, they can rupture/hemorrhage, and mine are even getting red walled markings meaning those walls are very thin and it could happen at any time. Scary if they do obviously b/c I would start vomitting blood and I could die b/c I am on blood thinners at the same time.

I woke up from sedation and immediately knew that he had done something. I looked at the pictures and just cried. It looked so "pretty" just 9 months before, how can this all be happening again!!!????

I mentioned Cancer in a Facebook post earlier this week, No I don't have cancer, and I am VERY thankful to the great Lord that I don't, Trust me, I see it every day I am at work and there is nothing that breaks my heart more. But when people have cancer, they find out what kind, what to do about it, get a game plan, meet other friends that have that same kind of cancer to share thoughts, tears, joys and fears. I can't. No one knows whats wrong with me. No one knows how to fix it. Seems like we just keep putting band aids on me to hope I get by....Some say take your spleen out(its still huge!), some say its a clotting problem but we don't know which, some say its a flow issue and things dont' flow in my belly as fast as they should and this makes my blood clot, some say put shunts in the liver to make it flow faster, some raise their hands and even admit "I don't know." Is there anyone out there like me? It feels so lonely when you have no one to talk too b/c honestly no one understands how it feels when they don't know whats wrong with you or how to fix you......

I can see how Satan tries to bring me down. Health, or lack of it, can DEFINITELY play with your emotions BIG time. As some of you know, sometimes I just can't talk about it, sometimes I just start crying, somedays I am great and fine. Sorry to all of you that have caught me on my "bad" days :) Its really nothing you say or do, its just one of my "off" days and I am trying to be better at this and I am trying my hardest to be as positive as I can.

What now? I don't know. I have to go back to my hematologists and tell him the news, I have to talk to my surgeon at U of M and tell him the news, I am on double the blood thinners and go in a month to get more veins wrapped.

We will make it through this......Someday and somehow....All I can say is the Lord has a plan, He is holding my hand and I am sooo much better because I have Him with me. Thank you soooo much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, emails, you have no idea how much it means and I truly love all of you.

2010 FAVORITE PHOTOS/ MEMORY HIGHLIGHTS

This was the best year of my life. I can say it was the first year I was truly ALIVE. I woke each day trying to live it to its fullest, not worried about all the trivial things in life and realizing how faithful the Lord has been to me. We went camping about 3 weeks to the conference grounds and Holland, we stayed in a cottage at the conference grounds with my sisters and mom, we stayed in a cottage at Brooks lake with all of the Jongsma family. We took 3 trips to Detroit to see Angie, Mark, Devon and Carson, this will be their last year stationed there in the Coast Guard. Steve and I finally got to go to the Dominican and it was sooo relaxing (we were forced to cancel due to my health the year before). We LOVE the outdoors, camping in our trailer mostly to the conference grounds b/c there is sooo much for the kids to do there with bible school pools and the lake. Karlie learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels, dad loves dirt biking on snow or not, running (moms first year of running real races and even took home medals, 5 in all!! Still cant believe it) I cannot tell you enough how much this year meant to me and how awesome it was...Life has a new meaning, family, friends, all took a new perspective and it was a great year!!!

SUMMARY AS OF JANUARY 6, 2010

Today I feel really positive and good. Some days, I am more emotional....Sorry to those that I have just cried before you even start talking. I don't know why. Overall, I think I am doing good. Its b/c this isn't the first time and the more it happens, the more prepared I am, and I know what it means, I know how to fix it, but its still hard....

I think what makes it the most hard is not knowing. What is it? Why did it happen? Obviously there is something wrong with my body but no one knows why. It "just happened". My friend Dr at work said, "I am not at all surprised that you clotted again". Really? And hes right, I have heard it before, once you clot a vein, it has a high tendency to clot again, its damaged goods. Sweet!

My clots are what comes first. But its what these clots do to me thats the problem! My Gallbladder is damaged, my spleen is HUMONGOUS, one of my lobes of my liver is now gone b/c a permanent blood clot has destroyed the veins going to that lobe. Thank goodness your liver regenerates itself and my left lobe has now grown to compensate. Then the big risk is those "VEINS". When I say that, I mean the huge, ugly, varicose veins that have been created by my body to get around these clots and like going around my stomach and esophagus. These "veins" aren't supposed to be there. They are not the ones clotted, they are a major highway that my body has made in defense to get the blood it needs from somewhere else. Isn't it just AMAZING!!!! I am sooo mind-boggled when it comes to how the Lord made us. These "veins" scare the crap out of me to be completely honest. I don't feel them, I don't know when they are there, but if they are there, that means I have a "clogging" problem going on and things aren't flowing well and these "veins" could hemorrhage the bigger they get. This morning I started coughing up blood clots....Coincidence? Maybe. Is it b/c they increased my blood thinner? maybe. Are they those "veins" leaking? Maybe. IF they leak or burst, I could easily die. I will never forget the words of my awesome Dr. Serini "if you do nothing about them, within one year you will die". Why? Think about it. How are you going to stop ruptured veins inside of you? Its not like you can put a bandaid on them. You can't put pressure on them inside your throat. (well there is a helmet in the ER's I have discovered with a huge tube they would put on me and insert the tube to inflate and push against my throat) Can't you just picture me with a football helmet on laying in the ER....Eeeewww! That scares the crap out of me just thinking about it!!!

So, we will see. Back to 2 injections daily for life, I knew that was going to happen. I am awaiting my Dr Serini to call me today I hope, to get me into that office asap so we can see if there are those "veins" in there! And if they are, lets start wrapping them! Steve and I want to go on vacation to the Dominican, I haven't booked it yet, b/c last time I did, Dr. Serini told us not to go b/c my veins were too big and I needed to be within 5 min. of a hospital....Your not going to see me going anywhere until I know what those veins look like. So, hopefully its soon. I HATE getting them wrapped b/c it hurts for days and I can't eat. But I don't have any choice so I try not to complain.

You all know me, I am a strong little cookie. I am thankful each and every day that it is me, not someone else, and especially not my kids. Cancer is a reality in my eye every single day I go to work. I am alive, what I have is livable, and I thank the Lord every day that it is this and not that. God has been so good to me through all this. He has shown himself to me, made my marriage 10xs stronger, made me closer to my patients, more serving to others, more appreciative of my life, my health, made my faith alive, and if my sickness is what it takes to make all of that happen, then I would do it all over again.

A BUMP IN THE ROAD OF LIFE.....MY DISEASE HAS COME TO LIFE AGAIN

It has been one year since I laid at U of M hospital awaiting my liver shunt...Dr. Dasika changed his mind and refused to put one in me. At the time I really didn't understand why, but the more I have learned, that was no coincidence....I shudder at the idea b/c they can cause so many problems that my life could have been forever changed in a very bad way. He may not remember me, but I will always remember him and I know the Lord placed him on my case. I have learned MANY MANY things throughout this whole process.
1. Nothing in life is coincidental but totally providential. God has blessed me in so many ways, the Dr.'s he placed on my case, the procedures I didn't get...at the time I didn't realize how much His hand was in it all. I didn't pick those Dr.'s, I had NO CLUE what I was doing. But He did.
2. I realize now who my true friends are and those that are NOT my friends but only if it is convenient for them or if they gain something out of it. This has been really hard on me b/c I had alot of people in my life I thought were my idea of what a true friend is, and they have obviously shown their true colors. There are some that really DONT care and I thought they did.
3. I realize what really matters in life....SOOOO many things I come across now and I really don't care. My whole perspective has changed b/c theres such trivial things that happen every day and in the end "WHO CARES!" God has your life in His hands and could have your life end at any minute, do we live that way? I admit I struggle too with this, but this has definitely made me more mindful of that fact and Christ is really all that matters.

So I have been without Dr's appointments, tests, scopes, CT's all that for one year and it has been GREAT! I feel good, they gave me a clean slate, back to running and working out, I even ran a few 5ks and got first place! Holy moly can you say to GOD be the Glory for that!!! It seems like a long time ago, fainting memories of terrible times.

Had my year follow up CT. I feel great, no signs, no symptoms, I inject blood thinners daily so I didn't anticipate anything happening in there. It showed a new blood clot going down a different vein, this one the vein that feeds my intestines, and it is coming into that vein that was clotted before going to my liver. It looks like my veins in my stomach and throat are coming back in number and in size too. This was hard.....Why if I am on blood thinners am I STILL clotting? Why if I have NO blood disorder like they say am I clotting? The veins are back that means they could hemorrhage and I could bleed to death being on blood thinners. SOOOO many thoughts running through, I cried all morning at work. Its weird being on the other end of things when you work in a hospital....But it has taught me HUGE sympathy for my patients and we have things in common and I can be a witness to them too.

Back to the drawing board. I called my surgeon at UofM, he is getting the CT in the mail. I go to Cancer and Hematology on tues to talk about what this means and I am sure I will be having a scope done soon to take a peak at those "veins" in my throat. Its such a complicated thing that I have.....So mysterious, I understand it in and out...I have high blood pressure inside of my veins "portal hypertension" not the kind of high blood pressure you and I think about when it is said, this can't be measured except getting inside my veins.

My running days may be done. That will be hard on me b/c I love running and honestly, when I run, I think about all I have been thru and how amazing the Lord has been, its actually a time of worship for me....call me crazy, but I think about HIM the whole time I am running b/c I am alive!!! b/c of HIM!!!

I think of it as Satans attempt to test what Lisa is all about. How strong is her faith and we will see about that! Well, I am ready to take that challenge, I am more prepared, It is what it is, I have a God WAY bigger than he is and I know we can win this battle. I know he places battles in our way each and every day but I am equipped with the knowledge and truth and I will NOT be knocked down. Oh ya, I have my days that I hide at home, I don't want to talk to anyone, I cry and cry b/c of a heavy heart.....But I know I will be ok. He gives me peace, I know where I am going if He decides to take me. I am ready to fight again!

Wow, Life gets busy!!!

Tonight I told myself that I would go to bed as soon as the kids did b/c I have had an emotional and hard long day! Where am I now? Not there. Today I actually cried for someone I didn't know and I don't know if I can say I have done that before? They didn't see me, it wasn't right away, it was later, on my way home when I have no doubt in my heart the Lord knew what was weighing on my heart and mind and a song came on, and it spoke right to me. I have that happen SOOO many times!!! Tonight: Jeremy Camp, there will be a day, of no more tears, no more pain, no more fear.....Work was chaos and to top it, a mother of 3 teenage boys just found out that she has cancer, not a cancer that can be attacked, cancer that has already sabotaged her body and invaded every single organ and bone in her body with little to NO warning that it was in there, growing, spreading like wild fire....She has days, maybe months. Can you imagine? There are patients that are optimistic then there are patients that just don't have a chance and I can see that poison living inside killing them, eating away.....WHY? I have to be honest that this is the biggest area of my faith that I struggle with the most. It doesn't seem fair, why can some people that are evil live to 100? Why so young?
I did this with my own health too, but I know why now, I didn't at the time I was going through it and it was the worst time in my entire life, I thought I was JOB in the bible and didn't know how I was going to get through it, ONE thing after another, many people don't understand how low I was, how fearful of death, so sick, death was knocking on my door!! But what about this mom, she won't be alive later to look back and see why, she doesn't have a chance to have it change her life forever b/c she will be gone!
If I could die today and go live with the Lord would I say, take me Lord with open arms? I have to admit that I can't......That alone that I say that to the Lord makes me feel ashamed and sad b/c why? I SHOULD want to be with him today. It sure would beat the world and day in which we live!!! People are so mean, friends have turned their backs, women (I thought this would change the older I got too but that was a delusion) why can't they all just be happy for each other and support one another with love and friendship. Why jealousy? Why are we envious and why can't we be proud when their kids are better than ours? Why can't women say, she sure is beautiful, and not think, man she must be a bitch. When someone is crafty, why can't we say, you are so talented and creative what a gift, instead of thinking and rolling our eyes, there she goes again! I have to be honest, I have been hurt by soooo many people in my life and I just don't understand why? You know what? NO one in this world could give a shit and I am just beginning to realize that. No one cares. No one cares what kind of house you live in, what you drive, who you know, where you have been....ALL THAT MATTERS IN YOUR HEART WITH THE LORD. I have to Lord in my heart and I don't know what I would do without him. He is my everything and I do want to live with him. I wouldn't even know what I was missing nor would I care. The one thing obviously that keeps me here....My husband and my kids. I want and pray that I am here for them through their phases of life, to cheer them on, to support them, teach them, hold them, love them, be excited with them....Children are amazing and truly a gift from God.
I'll be honest, I don't spend as much time with my kids as I should, but I know it and I hate it. I love them more than anything and it is my prayer to be a better mom....I don't want to look back and say "why didn't I do more with them?" I don't want to be dead and have them wonder why mom needed a clean house, or sat on the computer, cleaned, did things that she shouldn't even care about!!! (Ok, I am not that bad and am probably being hard on myself b/c I DO alot with my kids) but I constantly remind myself of it. Because like I said before, No one gives a shit. I love my kids, they are so beautiful, I could lay in bed for hours staring at their little faces, smelling their blankies, just watching them....They are amazing, I cry b/c I can't have more! But, the Lord gave me 2 little miracles and I am going to try to be the best mom I can, mistakes in all!

SUMMER'S END

It is hard to believe that its done! This summer went by sooo fast and it just makes me so sad. One of the best summers I have ever had. I enjoyed every moment with my kids, I hardly worked, enjoyed life to its fullest! I headed to Detroit over labor day to see my sister Angie and the boys, just me and the kids, it was great! We had so much fun visiting nature trails, parks, Lake St.Clair, flea markets, the zoo....Mom even got some speed shopping done at the outlet mall on the way in howell. The kids were awesome! They are such good kids....Honestly, I don't know what I would do or where I would be without them. They are my life and my everything. Karlie is getting so old!! She is so mature in her thinking and actions, her big milestones this summer were learning to swim all by herself! NO SWIMMIES! She is a great swimmer, I was shocked to come home from work one day to her telling me she could swim. I didn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes, we even had to go back to grandmas THAT night so she could show me. She learned how to ride her bike with NO training wheels! She is big stuff and so sweet, she loves her brother so much and is always taking good care of him. Luke, he copies EVERYTHING you say with excitement and enthusiasm in his voice. Today?!!! Tomorrow?!! Everything you say, he says it back but with such a high excitement! He is hilarious and makes me laugh all the time. REFUSES to be potty trained. Sleeping in his big boy bed was a big thing for him.

Karlie started preschool this week. I am actually doing very well with it. I think its b/c I am so happy and excited for her! She is just going to love it and she is sooo ready. She is going to grow and learn so much and make friends, she is sooo happy. She said goodbye to dad this morning with no delay. I have to work every Monday and Wednesday and she goes Mon, Wed, Friday. I was kinda sad about that b/c I can't take her and pick her up, but like one mom told me, this way I get to be with her all day and have my days off with her too! May as well be at work if she's at school....I still want to be the one doing it. BUT thank the Lord for dads job b/c he can go in late and he gets to bring her each day so that is really special for them too. so much Fun! I am really looking forward to seeing her grow and being there with her through school, I just pray we made the right decision picking HCS.....I pray she never has to go through some of the things I had too....I can only do my best and be the best parent I can be to her and the Lord will take care of the rest!

Metro Cruise 5K FIRST PLACE!!

Before I ran this race I wanted to have a shirt made that said this: "ALL that matters in life is CHRIST". Pastor Don spoke that to me a few weeks ago and it is all I think about lately b/c its true, and if we don't constantly think about that, its easy to let the "little" stuff of life take priority. Who cares about your clean house? Who cares about your clothes, vehicles, home, all these so called "items" that "make" people happy. Do they really think that those things are going to make them happy? Ya right! Thank the LORD that I know Him, and have HIM in my life b/c in the end....none of that other stuff matters but HIM. I just thought, what a perfect quote to have on my running shirts....B/c it doesn't matter how fast I run, how I place, if I place....Who cares? I do it b/c I owe him the glory and because I am alive today b/c of him. I have life, I am a healthy woman, wife, mom! I ran, and I finished, first!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe it? I sure can't!! I was sooo overwhelmed with emotions that all I could do was cry. ME? this just can't be happening to me? It was awesome! It was an amazing journey of life, a happy and joyous day of celebration of how far I have come!!! I am just so geeked, so proud of myself. I can do this! I really can run? I felt the Lords hand with me the whole time, he speaks to me through running and when I run, I feel this closeness with him. When I was done I know that he was wrapping his arms around me saying "good job Lisa!" I cannot describe how empowering and how full of strength it makes me feel when I finish. I am strong now, my body is strong, inside and out and it makes me feel sooooooo happy!!!!!

Summers Ending??? So soon???

We have had one of the best summers in my entire life! My kids are at a great age and maybe its b/c I savor every moment and realize that life is going to be gone before we know it or at any time. I have had a BLAST with my kids this year!!!
Karlie is so beautiful, growing up so much, she is starting to push mom away alittle more every day b/c she's "too cool" for mom. Breaks my heart.
Luke, he is my stud and I just can't get enough of him. He is at that great age where he is funny, and just so cute! I never thought the 2's were bad, for me, it hits when they turn 3. So far, he is just awesome. I love them both sooooo much, I honestly don't know what I would do without them. I love being a mom and pray that I am here to do the job for a very very long time!!

PRAISE THE LORD!!! FIRST 5K!!!

Today I am just so overwhelmed with emotion....I ran my first 5k. I was sooo nervous and have been putting it off forever, self doubt, fear, the unknown...I don't know why, just me.
I told the Lord that I wanted to do one for him. I didn't care how I finished, I just wanted to praise and bring glory to God for all he has done for me. A honor to Him for my life. I almost could have died last year.....I was told, absolutely NO more kids, No more running/ anything physically active. My heart was so heavy just a year ago....I was again, filled with fear, fear that I was going to die and leave behind my family. I didn't care about the running or activitiy, shoot wouldn't everyone want to be told they had to do nothing? :) No one knew what to do with me medically, I was an "unknown, medical mystery". Something I did NOT enjoy being. But, then it all went away.....By the grace of God, I am for the most part, a healthy 33 year old woman/mom/wife/sister/daughter. I live on Lovenox injections and that keeps me alive.
So today I ran. I ran as hard as I could and let me tell you....I thought I was going to die! For the past 3 weeks I have been sick with bronchitis. I signed up for my race and got sick the day after....Great! I sucked it up and kept running, but I never thought I was going to make it. The last mile, I just looked in the sky and prayed, "please Lord, fill me with your strength and help me finish this, I can do this and I want to do this for you, I cannot finish without you."
I finished.
I watched the awards handed out and then I heard: Lisa Jongsma!
What?
I finished 2nd! I got a medal for 2nd place out of 70 women my age!!! I finished 182nd out of 949 participants!! Did I just do this????????
I was so overwhelmed, so shocked, still am. To God be the Glory!
I got home and just bawled. Why? B/c HE helped me win. He filled me with strength and I know HE held my hand and he is celebrating with me! My Lord is so amazing and so wonderful, I never want to forget all that he has done for me. I want to live each and every day in remembrance of where I was last year, where I am today, and how the Lord held my hand each and every step!!! I wish everyone knew Him, and could see how truly blessed we are. HE did it! Thank you so much Lord, I can never say it enough. I praise and thank you for everything, THANK YOU for helping run in this race of life!!!

Karlie and Luke camping at Holland 2010

Day at the Zoo

Tulip time 2010

Been a long time!

Wow, where does the time go? For a few months we tried to sell our home by owner, we had a ton of showings, but no one could get approved....Guess it shows how bad our economy really is right now. We have been really busy. Moms health has been great! (well, except for this week but thats only b/c of a really bad cold!) Praise the Lord for health, you never realize how much it means until your set back....and trust me, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you don't feel good.

We went to Angies in June to celebrate Devons birthday for 3 days. We had a great time as a family, got a hotel with a pool, the kids had a blast. We went camping to Holland again for a week, everyone but dad got the flu for at least 2 days....Puking in a trailer is not fun. We still got to enjoy about 1/2 of the week ;) We've been to the zoo, millineum park, lamar park, and enjoyed the 4th of July in Grandville (always a tradition).

The kids are amazing and I just love being a mom. I get a set schedule in the fall, which will be nice, just 2 days a week. The perfect balance for this mom! I love my job and I love being a mom and wife too. Luke is talking like crazy, repeating everything, I absolutely LOVE the 2's!!! He is so funny! Karlie just started swimming alone, even underwater! She is so proud of herself and so are we! We swim all the time at mom and dads neighbors, at least once a week we spend the day by the pool.

Today our house goes up for sale by a realtor....Not sure how I feel about this whole selling business! It is stressful and I am not giving my house away like they would like us too. Its so sad to see us losing 20k already that we have put into it, but hey, I guess that is the economy and life so theirs nothing we can do about it. If we don't sell, we stay. Really we don't have to leave so praise the Lord for that one! Like the realtor said, we could have bought 7 years ago when we got married in a worse neighborhood and lost even more and been stuck in that place, then what we do? We got a nice house (shoot, its the best its ever looked!! New carpet/wood flooring/clean/ painted,) I love "most" of my neighbors :) and the location, although a busy road, is so convenient. The Lord only knows and I am so thankful that I don't get to decide. I put our lives in his hands b/c he knows best!

Better go for now, kids and I are staying in b/c mom is sick....They are probably bored but someday they will understand. Posting a few of my fav. pics so far this year....till next time. I promise it will be more frequent! :)

8TH AVE SW. GRANDVILLE HOME

Do my children hate me?

Do you ever feel like your children dislike you? That is how I have been feeling lately, and maybe its because I am home with them all the time or maybe its a "mom" thing, but lately all my kids want is DAD. Even now my 2 year old son asks if Dad can put him to bed, I am the one that has always done it. Now he cries for daddy, and in the morning, he is still crying for daddy. He gets so sad if he doesn't see dad in the morning. Everytime we hear a noise, he thinks its daddy coming home and gets all excited. I was hoping that maybe my son would be a momma's boy but he definitely is NOT. Karlie, she never wants mom to put her to bed. She will wait forever before falling asleep, if I tell her that daddy will come to say goodnight. WHY???? What am I doing wrong? Am I that mean of a mom? I don't feel like I yell all the time, I know that my voice may sound like it, (my mom always tells me that! and I know its true) but honestly I am not upset or mad, It one of the things I hate the most about myself: my TONE....I need to pray harder about it! ;)

I would do anything for my kids! I take them to McDonalds to play, VIP pets to visit animals, were going to Nemo on Ice just the 3 of us, I get them icecream or slushies b/c its their favorite, I take them camping all the time by myself, I take them on bikerides, to parks....The list could go on forever!!!! I play games, even play "underwater fishy" in the bathtub with Karlie b/c she loves to do it with mom. Why do my kids go from fine to absolutely crazy and dramatic the second dad comes home. Even when I was in the hospital and would miss them so much for days, I would walk in the door and they would go runnning right past me to dad. Makes me cry. Is it b/c I am a mom, a part time working mom and home with them alot? Can I fix it? Maybe the other moms feel that way too and I am just normal. Whatever the case, I hope someday they will appreciate and love me and thank me for all the love I continue to pour on them even when they don't love me back.....Being a mom can be so hard sometimes!! :)

Outta here!

Steve and I are about to leave for the dominican for a vacation and I just had to write today. First of all, I want to tell my children that I love them more than anything on this earth. I thank the Lord for blessing my life with them, the ability to have them, and treasure the days that I have with them. They are so precious and I cannot imagine living life without them. They bring meaning to my life and make me a better person. Kids are amazing and I love each and every stage of their little lives. I wish I could freeze time and keep them little just alittle longer....

I am so thankful to my family, for all that they have done for me, not only over the past year, but always. Mom and Dad, I don't know what I would do without you. I didn't understand the love that you have for me until I became a mother myself. The love that you have for your kids is undescribable and something you cannot comprehend unless you are a parent. Now I know and appreciate all that my parents have done. This year I relied on them alot, not that I wanted too, I felt bad about needing them so much but this year was unforseen with all the events, sorry Mom and Dad!!!! You have no idea how much it meant to me.

I am sooooo happy and still just in amazement that I look so good inside....It is a miracle. I will continue to pray about my health b/c we all really have no clue how thankful we should be about it. We could all be gone at any moment. You would think that I would understand that more from working at my job, scanning cancer patients, paralyzed patients, car accident patients, falls with huge brain bleeds, little babies that never had a chance to experience life past a few months....I have seen a TON, but it never really hit home until it happened to me. Mine was minor when I compare myself to all of those, but none the less, each day is a gift.

I pray that I live differently. It was a wake up call to Lisa. Makes me think of the song I sang as a little girl, "this is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it". It is my prayer that I wake each morning with a joyful heart, look to the positive of all situations, and remember that life is but a second in comparion to my life spent with Him in eternity.

I'VE SEEN MIRACLES HAPPEN

I cannot explain the huge relief in my heart today. I am amazed at what has happened and it can only be due to 2 things: The Lord and Lovenox (a different kind of blood thinner that I recently got switched too.) There is a new song out by Kutless: I've seen miracles that happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, thats what FAITH can do. I LOVE that song. It is my favorite song and I listen to it almost every single day as a reminder to myself of the Lords faithfulness and love, and to keep believing in HIM and that miracles and prayers do get answered. They may not and will not always be answered the way that I want them to be, but that doesn't mean they are not answered. Its just all in HIS control and HIS plan, not mine. Sometimes its hard for me to have that kind of faith, to give HIM the control and sit back and let him do the work and the plan that he has for my life. It something that I long in my heart to improve on and I know I will. Too much has happened in my life that I can't turn my back on, and look to realize that it truly was HIM and that He was with me all the time. He has blessed my life in so many ways, I truly owe him all that I am and have. Isn't that what we were made for? To bring glory to Him and be thankful for his amazing love.

I, for the moment have NO signs of veins in my esophagus, I had veins that have reopened that were just recently full of clots, and today I am feeling GOOOOOOD. :) All the procedures that were going to be done at U of M were cancelled, I don't have to be scoped again for 4 months because my esophagus looked so good, and it is amazing. My Gastro, whom I love, Dr. Serini, couldn't believe what happened. He thought I went to U of M and had a recannalization done on my veins and was wondering what I was doing there on Friday. He just shook his head in amazement. As soon as he scoped me and saw how beautiful everything looked, he called my new primary and my liver surgeon at U of M to tell him the news. I am just so happy. It has been an amazing, crazy, scary, emotional rollercoaster of a ride, and one that I hope and pray is behind me. Yes, I will always have this "disease" but for now it is being managed and for that I say Praise the Lord. Its like being a diabetic and having to inject insulin twice daily. Yes, it does suck and it hurts, but you get used to it and when you look at what it could be...I've been through alot of stuff already in this life of mine, really hard stuff, its pretty minor and I will do it with no complaints.

This all is in HIS hands and in HIS control and I will be reminded of his faithfulness and goodness to me, everytime I think of what has happened....IT will always be this little reminder in my head. Life could be so much worse for all of us, we have soooooooo much to be thankful for, and yet so many of us feel sorry for ourselves and complain. Rejoice! He is good, and He loves us. That alone is worth celebrating.

I tell you what....I leave Wednesday for the Dominican with my husband Steve....We have rejoiced and will continue to rejoice forever. I cannot wait for this vacation that finally we get to go on! (it was cancelled last year due to my hospitalizations) We are so excited. Thank you Lord for your amazing love you have shown to me!

The Lord has His Hand in it ALL

I don't know about you, but I am ready for winter to be over. I do NOT like, enjoy, anything about winter. Someday it is my dream to be one of those "folks" that get to live in the warmth for the winter, part time.

I had great news this week and that all procedures planned at U of M are canceled. The physicians agreed with the results of my most recent CT and that most of my veins are now open again, and for the time, nothing to do interventionally. Unless I start bleeding or get ascites (free abdominal fluid) again. So what? We're just going to wait until that happens? Go live a normal life and lets just see how you do? Are we going to be checking to see if they come back? No one says. My radiologist said "DON'T go off anticoagulation!" My liver surgeon left his last email with: "you keep us guessing...." What does that mean?

So, this is good news. I am definitely happy to not be back at U of M right now. But at the same time I am filled with mixed emotions. I feel scared that I am a ticking time bomb. I feel like I don't have anyone in charge, whats the next step, what about followups?

I am in the middle of getting a new primary care physician, I need a good one, but no one has experience with what it is I have! What do I have??? I still remember the day about 1 1/2 years ago sitting in his office, crying to him b/c I told him there has got to be something wrong with me! His reply: "I know but I just think this is your year to have alot of difficulties". Granted, how could he have known what was going on inside of my body at that time, but we were about to find out! Not even 2 months after that, I landed myself in the hospital with all that has developed now over the past year.... I have to call the office alot, and trust me, I don't want too, but they are sooo rude, mean, fail to send out referrals, and never let me talk to a nurse, I'm just sick of it.... I need someone that knows what is actually going on with me.

I also am finding a new hematologist b/c my insurance will not let me return to the hematologist at U of M. I will go to my gastroenterologist on the 28th to have a look at the veins in my throat. If they are gone, I can return to exercising and living normal I guess.(don't worry Mom! I realize I can NEVER run again and I promise I won't. Trust me, I can't, or it could kill me, literally.) IF they are gone, I think we will be ok. For how long? No one knows. As long as I never go off my blood thinners, I may not ever have another occurrence again.

I could have died this past year. I have a serious disease that I will live with forever, that could honestly take my life at any time without any warning. No one knows why or what it is, my surgeon gives it the name "messenteric-venous occlusive disease." I make clots, these clots have caused alot of problems inside this body of mine. Its like living with cancer but its not active at the time...I look fine on the outside, I don't feel sick now, but inside, my body is a intricate maze.....The Lord has made our bodies absolutely mind boggling! Like my gastro said the first time he saw my veins "if you don't have something done, you will hemorrhage within a year". Steve and I cried all the way home. Granted, I still could die at any moment, but this life is not all there is....Did I truly live that way before all of this? I can honestly admit No. Nothing happens in this world, or to me, without the will of the Lord. Sometimes I struggle with Why? Why would God want this to happen to me? Why does He want me to have so much hurt? I know why. It was to grab ahold of Lisa, wake her eyes to the beautiful life she has, the amazing family she has, and to begin living forever grateful.....To serve the Lord with all her heart. This life is going to be over at anytime, its already going before my eyes! but my heart is with the Lord. This is honestly, probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Through my pain, struggles and suffering, Thank you LORD! I love You!