Ya, its been awhile so as I sit here at work, I thought I would jot down some ideas running thru my brain.
I started co-leading a bible study at church. You heard that right, me. NEVER in my life would I have EVER thought that I would be leading a bible study. At first when I was asked I even laughed....Me? What? You must be crazy!!! She said to think and pray about it. At first I said, sure. Then doubt sunk in and I said, well....Let me really think and pray about this.
That is when I went to a womens convention "True Women" and the Lord totally put it all over the speakers loud system "Lisa, Follow me. Don't worry. Put away your fears. Leave it to me, I will take care of the rest." Without a doubt I knew that I had to lead. I want to stay as close to the Lord as I can and I was just asking Him how I could do that because I realize and know that I am JUST in need of Him today as I was over a year ago lying on deaths door. I NEED HIM. Without Him I am a broken, evil, selfish, nasty person. I don't want to put Him on the back burner just b/c life is going smoothly and life seems to be going well. I started with a list of "Yes to lead bible study" and a list of "NO to lead bible study" and the reasons to the NO list were totally driven by satan and self. (fear...What if I don't know what I am doing....What If I don't know stuff, I just started really understanding and reading the bible for the first time! Before it made no sense, Now? I can't get enough!! Why me?....What if people laugh at me or think why on earth is this girl leading, she doesn't know a thing, she just became a christian. Doubt, insecurity, failure, rejection, looking bad, negativity from others, gossip, pointing fingers.....) That is when God placed it on my heart and said, Lisa, why NOT you? Do you TRUST me and place all of your faith in me? This isn't about Lisa, it is about God. It is about bringing glory to Christ and helping others find Him. I said yes to God, Yes to following Him. Yes to letting Him lead.
I won't have all the answers. I won't have all the knowledge, the wisdom, the right words, and if I do, then it is because of Christ and His help. Each day I pray that I am filled with His wisdom and strength, His guidance and I know that with Christ, all things are possible. I have to tell you that I thought I would be soooo scared, nervous, jittery, walking into that bible study that morning. But you know what? I wasn't!!! I felt so peaceful, so secure, so sure that this was God telling me that this was the right thing to do b/c it was all coming from Him. I could sense His presence and it was like He had His arms around me. It was great!!!
Now I am not telling you that I am going to keep on doing it forever and that is totally the thing for me. But for the time, I am listening to Him and following His lead. This is where HE wants me today. That may not be the place He wants me in the future. This bible study I have to tell you has been AMAZING!!!! Sooo convicting and hits you over the head like a hammer, right to the core, daggers right to the heart. Nancy Leigh Demoss "Lies Women Believe". When I started reading it this past summer I wondered how "good" this was gonna be. I thought it was so good, I couldn't stop reading. Now when I read it again it is even better!!!! My book looks like it has been through a tornado!!! It has been spilled on, smells like campfire, dirty from the beach, and I don't know if it is possible to get much more underlined in the book and highlighted, it is just that good.
So far we have talked about the lies we have been lead to believe or still do about God and who He is, ourselves and where we find our value (from others? Stuff? Money? Jobs? or God?), our Sins and thinking (were not that bad, comparing sins, thinking we can get away with it, I don't do what she did...), lies about Marriage, Do we need our husbands to be our joy, happiness, fulfillment. Lies about Priorities (not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do) and allowing Christ to run the to do lists and in the end will it matter in the eyes of eternity? Next comes Children the blessing they are and how it is MY job to raise them with a desire for the Lord and noone else. Yes I send them to Christian school b/c it is important to me and a priority of mine to have them surrounded by Him as much as possible b/c I think that is what HE would want me to do, that is my choice and what He has placed on my heart to do everything I can, yes protect them, yes show them that the ways of the world are NOT normal and each day they come home talking about Him and what they learned I am thankful) I know we live in hudsonville but that doesn't matter. I see a world that is falling and pushing God out of it as much as they can. If thats not for you, then that is whats right for you. I am not here to point a finger at anyone for what they do or do not do thats not my job.
I want to talk about Him, learn about Him together with my kids each and every day in every situation that we can!!! Yet at the same time they are God's and I have to realize that I cannot do it on my own. Nothing I do can MAKE them have a desire for Him and find Him, I need Christ to help me in ALL things and at ALL times or I am setting myself up to be a self righteous bitch which is only going to cause problems!!! I can't do "life" on my own and that means starting each and every day with an acknowledge of Him, praying to Him and spending time in His word and His wisdom and commands. Trust me, I tried running this life on my own, doing things my way, trying to change everyone else but me, trying to run the ship and it sank....Hard to the bottom. He threw His hands up in the air and said, Ha! lisa, you think you can do all this by yourself, have at it!!! I failed. I won't allow that to happen again. I was sooo miserable and so crabby and sooo unhappy, I didn't even know it!! THANK THE LORD He allowed what He did to happen in my life so that I could find Him and find the TRUTH that only HE can provide!!! True joy!!!!!! oh, I just can't tell you enough how much my eyes have been opened and I have to be on my knees each and every day thanking Him for "inconveniencing and bringing havoc" into my life b/c if that is what it took I would do it again to have and know what I do today!!
Does that mean that life is going to be a bowl of cherries and easy? Absolutely not. In fact, sometimes it is harder b/c I just can't stand the way the world is and I want to run and hide and flee from it all. People are MISSING the boat and some of them drive me crazy b/c their blindness screams!!! They are so unhappy, crabby, alone, and miserable, complaining about everything and they have NO CLUE how good they really have it!!! Women especially b/c I am one of them and used to be like most of them, I see them trying to fill the void with sooo many things, wanting this and that, thinking their kids are perfect and they have it all together, and look at what mine did or this and that, bragging to boost themselves and their self worth up, so concerned about aging and clothes and weight and looking good, so many are filled with envy, jealousy, some talk about money and what they have all the time!!! Its all about looking good. It just makes me sick. I honestly cannot stand it. Not that it is a bad thing to want nice things or dress decent and eat healthy....Its their heart, what is behind that heart? Yet, then I think of Gods love and I feel bad for them. I feel bad that they are so miserable inside, that they are constantly trying to find happiness in all the wrong places b/c they are never going to find it where they are looking. I feel bad b/c they are missing out. They could have it so good. How? It is only found by seeking Him and wanting Him.
Man, just listening to myself write these words, I am sure that some of my "old" friends might be rolling their eyes and thinking, "she is whacked, oh listen to her" what a nutbag, she doesn't have it all figured out. Trust me, 5 years ago if I was reading this, I would have thought the same thing. I used to think, whats up with those people that act soooo crazy and in love with God. It honestly would make me uncomfortable just hearing them or being around them. BUT I found it!!! I don't have it all figured out but I KNOW without a doubt that God is real. People don't realize that He is REAL and He is here. He wasn't before to me. I lived a checklist "religious" life, I didn't have a relationship with Him, I had no clue who He was or what that looked like!!! Sure I knew the stories, knew God saves, Christ died for me....blah blah blah....meant nothing. I wrong!!! Go ahead, roll your eyes, say whatever you want b/c I don't care. I live with God in my life and in my heart. I love Him and I know He loves me. That is all that matters. Want to know more...Look and listen to anything by Francis Chan, HE is amazing!!! He has got it too!!!
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