Why Lord? When life seems.....so painful.

Yup, at work again and I am having a really hard day, I am just so emotional!!!  I have been a CT technologist for 13 years!! I cannot believe that!! Time has gone so quickly.  The older I get (ripe old age of 35 :) it seems that it goes even quicker.  When you finally understand life and enjoy it and savor the moments, you blink and poooofff! Years have gone by.  It is just mind boggling to me.  My little buddy Luke, almost 5 and Karlie Joy about to turn 7!!!  It seems like yesterday I was crying in the checkout lane of target with the little pregnancy test, the girl behind the register probably thought that i was devastated with an unexpected oops and said "are you ok? do you want a hug?" bless her little heart, but I was soooo joyful and overwhelmed with happiness b/c my last one said Positive and my husband didn't believe me so he sent me back to the store to buy another one!!! :) I was already 3 months along!!! (yup, again, I am one of those girls, go ahead roll your eyes ;) if you knew why you would understand.

Anyways, I watch my parents....Sorry mom and dad, but your getting older and forget things, things stress you out quicker, you can't do all the things you "used" to do and it makes me as your daughter sad to see you whom I love so much getting old.  You are amazing parents and grandparents, honestly I am truly blessed.  I don't want to think of the time I have to say goodbye and really, anyone could go at any time.  I think about my parents and how they raised us with a good life, we weren't rich we didn't go places all the time and have alot of stuff, we didn't go on vacations, if we did it was to Cedar Point and the Conference grounds camping and we loved it!  I never thought about money as a kid nor did I think we were poor, we were happy. They worked hard to give us what we had, to provide Christian education, and encouraged good behavior with discipline if you didn't. The sacrifices, dedication and love you pour into your children, you don't think about that as a teenager when you think your parents are old and old fashioned nerds, or adults until you become a parent yourself, then you realize what it means and the love for my parents has grown and becomes deeper as I raise my own.  They did the same for me!  I always say "the HARDEST job you will ever LOVE!!!!".

Today, I learned that a patient of mine, and even one that I ran a 5k for and won in her honor, died last month....Mother of 3, Wife, and at the ripe ol' age like me....35.  She was beautiful and she loved the Lord. Tears streamed down my face watching her videos, and looking at her pictures of her with long hair, then short, holding her husbands hand, staring at her children and reading them books.... She fought the battle HARD and now shes gone.  Her babies just 3 years old.....She knew her time to say goodbye would be at any moment, told maybe 6 months and yet lasted just 1.  I wonder what that would feel like?  I wonder what I would do, how my life would change, how much I would slow down and really start living life INTENTIONALLY!!!!  To know that at any moment I am about to meet my savior, the one that died and suffered a cruel devestating death on a cross for me, the one that I put Him on! The cross I should have been on, to save a wretched evil sinful person like me??  Is what I am doing today going to matter in the light of eternity and in my personal relationship with the Lord?  Really shouldn't we be living with that in the front of our mind reguardless if we know our end is coming or not?

Next patient comes in....ripe ol' age of 36.  The images come up on my screen and I am mortified and heavy hearted.....I don't know if there was one inch of his body NOT filled with cancer.  His lungs, liver, pancreas, intestines, bones.....He will find out soon that he too at any moment will have to say goodbye to his family and kids, same age as mine 5 and 7.....
Another one of my friends will have surgery this coming Tuesday and I ask you to PLEASE PRAY for him and the surgeon to remove a cancerous tumor from his kidney....wife just left him, 2 kids same age as mine 5 and 7......

I LOVE my job and have no doubt in my heart and mind that this is where the Lord wants me to be.  I had NO CLUE what xray was when I signed up for the program nor where it would lead me, it just "sounded fun".  I find great joy in my job and where can you go to work and see "Thank You! For allowing me to serve Christ by serving you today", each and every time I go into my scanning room. I found my very OWN BROTHER!!!! After 15 years of searching by working at my job, talk about the total Lord and providence, now that was the power of the Lord!!!  It is a great and amazing story if you ever want to hear it I will be happy to tell you! He provided this job for me.....But days like THIS is when my job is hard.  This is when I struggle in my faith and trust in the good Lord who gave us life and has our days numbered, He knows when we will leave it as well.  I know from experience that struggles and trials in life are a part of every ones life and I truly believe that God's hand is in it all, He has an ultimate plan even when we don't know what it is....The only thing we can do is Trust, and live each day for Him.  I had my struggles of why with my own health and sometimes still do, this is a very hard a painfully difficult subject very near and dear to my heart.  I lived through it, I will have crisis again in my life, adversity is an inevitable part of life,  I see it in others and I see it every time I go to work.  It is times like these that I must run straight to the Lord and look to Him, for in the bible we read that in time of struggle and difficulties we MUST:

• Trust that God is working everything in your life for your good (Romans 8:28)
• Believe that the heavenly Father is in control of everything
• Accept that the Lord's ways are higher than mine (Isa.55:8-9)
• Focus on the Father instead of the circumstance
• Submit to the Will of God
• Go to the ultimate source of strength- God himself
• Be determined to view the trial as a chance to see God at work
• Remain in constant prayer, listening for the Fathers instructions. God will often use hardship to draw US closer to Him.  He wants us to rely on Him, not ourselves.
• We must base our faith in God on His word rather than emotions
• In the valley we learn more about the nature of God: His presence in our pain, His LOVE in our loss and suffering, His patience despite our complaints. Through hardship, he may strip us of our pride, renew our passion for Him, refine our character and/or purify our motives of this earth
• Surrender your life to God be obedient to Him and He will guide you
• Rest in His wisdom, love and power
• To remind us of our NEED for Him, Christ

I have been blessed by my gracious God and given an underserving second chance...Some never are.  I KNOW what I am going to do with this life.

"Blessed is Lindy, William, Bruce, John Boy, Grandma Siereveld, Spencer Meyer, Mitchel Bunning, Samantha Henry, Kevin Cook, Lisa who perseveres under trial, because when he/she has stood the test, she/he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12

I know Lindy is free from pain and suffering, free from the evil sin of this world, and shining with her great and faithful Lord, finally able to see His face!
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NOVEMBER....REALLY 2012?

Ya, its been awhile so as I sit here at work, I thought I would jot down some ideas running thru my brain. 
I started co-leading a bible study at church.  You heard that right, me.  NEVER in my life would I have EVER thought that I would be leading a bible study.  At first when I was asked I even laughed....Me? What?  You must be crazy!!!  She said to think and pray about it.  At first I said, sure.  Then doubt sunk in and I said, well....Let me really think and pray about this. 

That is when I went to a womens convention "True Women" and the Lord totally put it all over the speakers loud system "Lisa, Follow me. Don't worry.  Put away your fears. Leave it to me, I will take care of the rest."  Without a doubt I knew that I had to lead.  I want to stay as close to the Lord as I can and I was just asking Him how I could do that because I realize and know that I am JUST in need of Him today as I was over a year ago lying on deaths door.  I NEED HIM.  Without Him I am a broken, evil, selfish, nasty person.  I don't want to put Him on the back burner just b/c life is going smoothly and life seems to be going well.  I started with a list of "Yes to lead bible study" and a list of "NO to lead bible study" and the reasons to the NO list were totally driven by satan and self.  (fear...What if I don't know what I am doing....What If I don't know stuff, I just started really understanding and reading the bible for the first time! Before it made no sense, Now? I can't get enough!! Why me?....What if people laugh at me or think why on earth is this girl leading, she doesn't know a thing, she just became a christian. Doubt, insecurity, failure, rejection, looking bad, negativity from others, gossip, pointing fingers.....) That is when God placed it on my heart and said, Lisa, why NOT you?  Do you TRUST me and place all of your faith in me?  This isn't about Lisa, it is about God.  It is about bringing glory to Christ and helping others find Him.  I said yes to God, Yes to following Him.  Yes to letting Him lead. 

I won't have all the answers.  I won't have all the knowledge, the wisdom, the right words, and if I do, then it is because of Christ and His help.  Each day I pray that I am filled with His wisdom and strength, His guidance and I know that with Christ, all things are possible.  I have to tell you that I thought I would be soooo scared, nervous, jittery, walking into that bible study that morning.  But you know what?  I wasn't!!!  I felt so peaceful, so secure, so sure that this was God telling me that this was the right thing to do b/c it was all coming from Him. I could sense His presence and it was like He had His arms around me. It was great!!!

Now I am not telling you that I am going to keep on doing it forever and that is totally the thing for me.  But for the time, I am listening to Him and following His lead.  This is where HE wants me today.  That may not be the place He wants me in the future.  This bible study I have to tell you has been AMAZING!!!!  Sooo convicting and hits you over the head like a hammer, right to the core, daggers right to the heart.  Nancy Leigh Demoss "Lies Women Believe".  When I started reading it this past summer I wondered how "good" this was gonna be.  I thought it was so good, I couldn't stop reading.  Now when I read it again it is even better!!!!  My book looks like it has been through a tornado!!!  It has been spilled on, smells like campfire, dirty from the beach, and I don't know if it is possible to get much more underlined in the book and highlighted, it is just that good.

So far we have talked about the lies we have been lead to believe or still do about God and who He is, ourselves and where we find our value (from others? Stuff? Money? Jobs? or God?), our Sins and thinking (were not that bad, comparing sins, thinking we can get away with it, I don't do what she did...), lies about Marriage, Do we need our husbands to be our joy, happiness, fulfillment.  Lies about Priorities (not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do) and allowing Christ to run the to do lists and in the end will it matter in the eyes of eternity? Next comes Children the blessing they are and how it is MY job to raise them with a desire for the Lord and noone else. Yes I send them to Christian school b/c it is important to me and a priority of mine to have them surrounded by Him as much as possible b/c I think that is what HE would want me to do, that is my choice and what He has placed on my heart to do everything I can, yes protect them, yes show them that the ways of the world are NOT normal and each day they come home talking about Him and what they learned I am thankful) I know we live in hudsonville but that doesn't matter.  I see a world that is falling and pushing God out of it as much as they can.  If thats not for you, then that is whats right for you. I am not here to point a finger at anyone for what they do or do not do thats not my job.
I want to talk about Him, learn about Him together with my kids each and every day in every situation that we can!!! Yet at the same time they are God's and I have to realize that I cannot do it on my own. Nothing I do can MAKE them have a desire for Him and find Him, I need Christ to help me in ALL things and at ALL times or I am setting myself up to be a self righteous bitch which is only going to cause problems!!!  I can't do "life" on my own and that means starting each and every day with an acknowledge of Him, praying to Him and spending time in His word and His wisdom and commands.  Trust me, I tried running this life on my own, doing things my way, trying to change everyone else but me, trying to run the ship and it sank....Hard to the bottom.  He threw His hands up in the air and said, Ha! lisa, you think you can do all this by yourself, have at it!!!  I failed.  I won't allow that to happen again.  I was sooo miserable and so crabby and sooo unhappy, I didn't even know it!!  THANK THE LORD He allowed what He did to happen in my life so that I could find Him and find the TRUTH that only HE can provide!!!  True joy!!!!!!  oh, I just can't tell you enough how much my eyes have been opened and I have to be on my knees each and every day thanking Him for "inconveniencing and bringing havoc" into my life b/c if that is what it took I would do it again to have and know what I do today!!

Does that mean that life is going to be a bowl of cherries and easy?  Absolutely not.  In fact, sometimes it is harder b/c I just can't stand the way the world is and I want to run and hide and flee from it all.  People are MISSING the boat and some of them drive me crazy b/c their blindness screams!!!  They are so unhappy, crabby, alone, and miserable, complaining about everything and they have NO CLUE how good they really have it!!!  Women especially b/c I am one of them and used to be like most of them, I see them trying to fill the void with sooo many things, wanting this and that, thinking their kids are perfect and they have it all together, and look at what mine did or this and that, bragging to boost themselves and their self worth up, so concerned about aging and clothes and weight and looking good, so many are filled with envy, jealousy, some talk about money and what they have all the time!!! Its all about looking good. It just makes me sick.  I honestly cannot stand it. Not that it is a bad thing to want nice things or dress decent and eat healthy....Its their heart, what is behind that heart? Yet, then I think of Gods love and I feel bad for them.  I feel bad that they are so miserable inside, that they are constantly trying to find happiness in all the wrong places b/c they are never going to find it where they are looking.  I feel bad b/c they are missing out.  They could have it so good.  How? It is only found by seeking Him and wanting Him.

Man, just listening to myself write these words, I am sure that some of my "old"  friends might be rolling their eyes and thinking, "she is whacked, oh listen to her" what a nutbag, she doesn't have it all figured out.  Trust me, 5 years ago if I was reading this, I would have thought the same thing.  I used to think, whats up with those people that act soooo crazy and in love with God.  It honestly would make me uncomfortable just hearing them or being around them.  BUT I found it!!! I don't have it all figured out but  I KNOW without a doubt that God is real.  People don't realize that He is REAL and He is here. He wasn't before to me.  I lived a checklist "religious" life, I didn't have a relationship with Him, I had no clue who He was or what that looked like!!! Sure I knew the stories, knew God saves, Christ died for me....blah blah blah....meant nothing.  I wrong!!!  Go ahead, roll your eyes, say whatever you want b/c I don't care.  I live with God in my life and in my heart.  I love Him and I know He loves me.  That is all that matters.  Want to know more...Look and listen to anything by Francis Chan, HE is amazing!!!  He has got it too!!!