ONLY 5 WEEKS...REALLY???

Yup, thats me. Besides my pouch belly :), I think it looks pretty good, my incision is healing great and there is only one tiny spot that still has a scab trying its best to close.

This will always be a part of me, in a way a reminder of Gods amazing faithfulness to me. I could have never made it thru this journey without Him and when people have hardships and struggles, the promises of the Lord is all we really have to keep us going.

My body is still black and blue, I have pain but its manageable and I don't take any pain medicine b/c the only thing that I can take b/c of bloodthinners in Tylenol and that doesn't even touch it. I have narcotics left but that just puts me out so I deal. Its a pain that is hard to describe. My nerves are gone and I can't even feel my fingers touching my belly its completely numb. I found out that diagonal incisions are the most painful and hardest to heal b/c the muscles and nerves have a harder time reattaching, than a straight across cut. My skin is getting sooo tough that I sometimes can't even find an injection site b/c the needle won't go in, its built up with so much scar tissue, I have welts all over my body, butt and thighs are the only places left. There are days that I hate doing it, but I am constantly reminded that I am alive and should be dead. Slowly my energy is returning and over all I am doing really good all things considering! Thanks for all of your prayers b/c there is NO doubt that it is b/c of them that I am so good today compared to just 2 weeks ago. I have made leaps and bounds and I am rejoicing!!!

I think about that runner of the riverbank that died 1 mile before the finish line and think to myself: that could have been me. The Lord prevented something like that from happening to me but it could have so easily, I was ready to run it, I was ready to challenge myself and go the distance. He stepped in and caused events to force me to quit running and I think of it as a bad thing b/c I love to run, when I should be thanking the Lord for it b/c it probably saved my life.

I have spent my days and nights wide awake lately. My mind just racing all over the place, thinking about what now? Is this going to be it? Is this going to work? Something that has consumed my life for so long and now its done? Will it come back? What is the Lords will for my life and what does He want me to learn from this all? Why did this happen to me? How long has it been growing inside of me and how on earth did I give birth to my children as hard as my deliveries were without dying if this was brewing already then? What a miracle to have my precious children, the love of my life, the sparkle in my eye. I have 2 amazing miracle blessings that I cant' get enough of b/c I am afraid of them losing their mom, yet thankful to the Lord that He kept her around for them even if it is alittle while longer. I lay in bed just STARING at them, its the most beautiful thing, I just wish I could wrap them up and protect them forever. I pray they never remember this time in moms life. It was sooo hard on me being away from them all the time but they are at great ages to be resilient to going all over the place while I need to recover.

Those are all questions I may never know. I must accept it and move on. Choose to live each day as if it were my last. When the kids leave, or Steve leaves, what do I want them to feel and hear if it were to be their last time seeing me? And vice versa...Sure we don't want to think about something happening bad like that but you NEVER know. Why not slow down and savor every minute. Have I been lazy lately, You bet ya I have! But I look around the house and think to myself, who cares if my house is dirty, beds aren't made, windows are printed with little hands of love, if I can snuggle with my 2 little bundles and watch a movie with them I am going to do it! I LOVE snuggling with them and Luke fell asleep in my arms the other day and before I knew it, mom was too and it was AWESOME! I will take that any day over a clean and "perfect" appearing house. Nothing lasts so why not spend the time where it is going to mean the most.

Priorities. Where are yours? Trust me, you never know when the Lord may have something happen and you won't be able to go back so PLEASE start today and make your priorities count, not according to worldly values but to the good Lords. It is my job and I take pride in preparing my little ones for what really matters in life and I am going to try to do the best job I can!