3 DAY COUNTDOWN.....GETTING SCARED

I have been meaning to get on here for a long time....Kids sick, sister is in town, watching my nephews, time just goes....I don't know where sometimes but its amazing how quickly a week can pass and you have nothing accomplished to show for it. I have been LAZY!!! Just wanting to stay home, I want to stay in my pjs, watch movies, snuggle with the kids, do nothing! That is really strange to me b/c that is SOOO not me. I keep thinking to myself that I am doing great, then all of a sudden out of nowhere I start freaking out. Maybe its because the day is coming soon. Pre-op went well. It was a long 10 hour day, 3 hours in the car there and then 3 back with a 4 hour appointment. I got my chest xray, EKG, blood, met the anesthesiologist, and surgeon again. I have a nice drawing he made but can't seem to get it to download on here so I will try again some other time, b/c it definitely helps in explaining exactly what it is that I am going to have done. Synthetic "artificial" shunt placed between my splenic vein (a high pressure system) and tying into the kidney vein (a low pressure system) to balance out the pressures and release all that high pressure in my liver area creating all those veins and causing my bleeding. 5 hour surgery, cutting me open from top to bottom on my belly, with venous vascular reconstruction, leaving me 5-7 days in the hospital. I am afraid of the pain. I am crying already right now just thinking about being away from my kids....I know I have done it before for vacation but this is different. I hate being away, I worry whats happening to them even if I know they are in good hands. Motherly instinct and worry, the nurturing part of me that tells me that I want to do it, I want to be with them, when I know that I can't. I know I had surgery before but this one seems more scary to me. Probably b/c my colon surgery was when I was 20 and nieve, now I am in the medical field and know too much, and been through SOOOO much that I just don't want to do something else. I want to be done. Now. I don't want to have to do this to "fix" me. What if it doesn't.....Thats the good ol devil working on my negative side, fearing that its all going to be a waste and THEN what are we going to do!!!!!???? It took us this long to come to this conclusion with 3 different surgeons disagreeing, if this doesn't work I don't know whats going to happen to me. Then I look to the positive again, and thank the good ol Lord that I don't have cancer, that I am alive today after all that I have gone thru I could be dead by now. If I have a day where I am feeling sorry for myself, all I have to do is go to work for a day and see people that ARE dying, my newest friend just 24 with maybe months to live....Why? It breaks my heart to scan patients that don't even have a clue whats happening inside their own bodies, to see the poison killing them. They would trade places with me in a heartbeat! So I have to stay positive, I have to stay strong....This IS going to fix me, this IS going to be the end of it! I WILL get off my bloodthinners someday, I WILL NOT have another bleed again, I WILL NOT have to get my veins in my throat "wrapped" again and that my friends is sooooo much to be thankful for! I have been ignoring a bill on my counter for weeks ($1500) then this week my friends at work gave me a surprise "brunch" they all gave money to help me and it came to EXACTLY the same amount as my bill from my hospitalization when I had my bleed. CAN YOU SAY TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!! I couldn't stop crying b/c I was overwhelmed by the love and support that they were showering on me...I was shaking and I was sooo surprised, had NO CLUE what was going on. What a great God we serve and How awesome to be a giver. I am not used to this "receiving" stuff, and I will be honest it makes me feel weird, but at the same time rejoice in the Lord, to see His hand at work, to see how many people really DO care and to know that I too can do the same thing for someone else when I am thru all of this! How much better will it be to give than receive!!!! Its all so exciting. I can't even begin to explain how many ways the Lord has revelled his hand, brings tears to my eyes. I am so undeserving, such a nothing, I have been humbled soo many times b/c so many love me and I am BLESSED beyond words. It has taught me sooo much. I know how it feels to be on this side of receiving and in the valley, and I will work harder when I am on the "good" side someday! "Earthly discomfort is a glad swap for heavenly peace"....God wanted to get my attention and trust me, He got it. What is it going to take to get yours? Is He whispering to you? Shouting? I keep telling myself when I am sad and wonder why....Though I hear nothing, He is speaking. Though I see nothing when I WANT, he is acting. With God there are no accidents and every incident is intended to bring us closer to each other and to HIM. Each day is a gift from Him and I am going to try my best to choose to use that day to glorify Him in all that I do. I know I will fail. I know I am weak and have plenty of faults, but each day I am going to wake up and start anew, try better, try harder to be better, not for me, for Him. That is all that matters.