Today I worked and I think I cried on 3 different occasions at work, and then all the way home. Sometimes I think I just can't take it and I feel like I am losing my ground, my faith, my confidence in myself that I CAN do this.....It just never seems to end. I try to be so strong and trust me, there are days that I obviously am not. And I don't even have it that bad!!! I could have cancer or some disease that there is nothing they can do about. There are patients in the hospital right now laying in those awesome beds (kiding!!! try it for 7 days, even just one!), getting blood transfusions, having surgery, radiation, spending hours thru chemo treatments, dying or crying b/c of pain and here I am just plain old crying having a hard day and feeling sorry for myself and scared that I can't do it. Lisa Marie, you could be so much worse please look at the positive in this!!!! Lord, can you help me with this one right now????
I have made the decision, the Lord opened the door for me at Cleveland clinic and brought me to the best dr I could ever ask for, praise the Lord! In that I do rejoice b/c I know HIS hand was in that all. If it weren't for my husband and the Lord, I would be at the U of M having major bypass surgery and have my spleen gone too but HE has prevented that, that whole thought just chills me. I look back and ya, I was ready to sign up, lets get this done, it sounded great, but I think I am just growing so weary that I throw my hands up and say, Lord, please end this b/c I don't know if I can take anymore. You hear the words "I think this might be the thing to do" and you honestly don't care you just want to do something. No one else around here is.
I called Cleveland today and insurance and I am ready to go. I asked the surgeon if I was YOUR daughter, what would you do? He said, I would do exactly what I am telling you to do. After studying your case some more in depth after meeting you, we cannot sit back and wait, we MUST do this or you WILL bleed again, you will clot again, things will keep getting worse. He even had another surgeon that will be doing the procedure already call me today and if we can do all the talking over the phone before the procedure we are going to try. He leaves tomorrow for Bangladesh for surgical procedures needed there but wanted to talk to me first and let me know that he will be away for a week, but He will work with Dr. henderson to develop the plan. We are aiming for the beginning of march. Better tell my husband right? He's so sick that he went to bed the second I walked in the door. Please Lord, prevent mom from getting this nasty flu or whatever it is that has stricken our whole family.
I am confident in this decision and I know its the right one. I am not going to go anywhere else for another opinion, I have my answer, and I place my faith in the Lord to carry out the plan.
So....Tomorrow is a new day. For the next few days I am going to pretend that nothing is wrong with me, we all know I am mental :) but at least nothing wrong physically and that nothing is going on inside of me. I am going to focus on my family, friends, spend time with my sisters, my beautiful kids, celebrate my birthday and also my sons!!! I am going to spend time with the Lord with no other thoughts racing thru my head. I am going to sit back, take a deep breathe and enjoy. I am going to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that the Lord made me to be, I am going to celebrate my life and have fun. I am going to smile, joke and just be "me'.
I need it. I just need a few days in which I am not going to think about it, research the surgery taking place, or talk about it.....I just need to refocus and gain some confidence in myself back that I am ready, that the Lord is going to help me to the end and I cannot stop now.....
But just for a few days, I'm gonna just be ME. Oh that will be such a great feeling....I can't wait.
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