I have had a great week! Oh ya, I have done my share of crying, but over all, I am getting better and better at talking about my storm without breaking down emotionally. I celebrated my birthday, my sons, lots of parties and had fun with family and friends, got to go to church, bible study all the things I LOVE to do.
34. What? Is that for real? Its true everyone, the older you get, the faster it goes. Just when you start realizing what true life is all about, finding yourself, accepting yourself flaws and all, loving the life the good Lord has given you, life goes faster and faster. Just doesn't seem fair. Guess that is why I tell my kids that quite a bit when they say "why?" Mom says b/c that's life, life isn't easy or always fair, you just have to do it.
At the great age of 34, I have had my share of storms. From a very young age I had terrible stomach pains leading to Colon surgery and removal, eye surgery, dead root canals never removed by my dentist, even though he said he did, killing 6 other teeth (ya, most of my teeth are now "fake" and I should have put that dentist out of business) diabetes when I was pregnant gave me a greater appreciate of eating the foods I love when I want to b/c it went away after Karlie was born. Karlie and I almost died together, she was physically shutting down after being stuck in the birth canal for over 3 hours of pushing and was resuscitated when she came out and taken to neonatal for 5 days while mom was placed on the "overflow" cancer floor the furthest rooms away from my daughter so every time I wanted to see her I had the pleasure of traveling across bumps and lobbies taking 15 minutes each time to get there. Then came Lukester, along with him came a broken back and separated pelvis, ripped abdomen muscles and I had the pleasure of leaving the hospital with my lovely granny walker leading to weeks of physical therapy. Not to mention the numerous infections and allergic reactions during that time. At one point, I remember crying in the bathroom wondering why the Lord was making me a Job (in the bible). Job was stripped of everything and had so many hardships in his life, way more than I ever experienced but haven't I had enough? Guess not.....because here I am today after experiencing much worse than all that listed above. Then I hear myself saying like I do to my kids, thats life, life isn't fair, you just have to do it. BUT I am now here to say that there is so much more to those storms of life and they all are part of HIS plan.
So this week I reflected on the Lord and my life and wondered, what is it that HE wants to accomplish? What does He want me to do? Where is this going to lead me? Why does he allow these storms? I can tell you that in many ways its the best thing that ever happened to me. I now have a LONGING in my heart to love and serve HIM more, to KNOW him, and get out of my comfort zone that I have been living in for way too long and try to venture out. This life isn't about me, its about HIM. I want to pour my heart out and show others what the love and grace of the Lord is all about and that they need to find that desire!! Not just live day in and day out, showing up to church, its so easy to stay in the comfort zone and say you know the Lord, but do you LIVE HIM???? I sure didn't. Once you do, you just want to scream it to the world. I am not sure where this will all lead, but it will go somewhere, I am not going to be still, and watch when I can do something. I keep singing in my head "use me Lord, use even me, little old Lisa"
I have learned many things through all of this:
1. First and foremost about the amazing Lord and His work in my life to make me who HE wants me to be. He has revealed himself in many ways and it has been amazing to look back and see his hand holding me and guiding me every step of the way. I could have never made it this far without HIM, without the many prayers being said on my behalf carrying me thru these times. He could strike me down just like any of us at any moment and yet He has still kept me here, by Grace he has saved me. Time is a wonderful thing b/c you can reflect on His amazing goodness to you, you can see HIS plan even when at the time you couldn't.
2. I have learned like my friend has said, there is a season for all things. This is my time to be a receiver she said, something I have never been very good at b/c I want to do it, I think I can do it all, and it has definitely humbled me and made me realize that I can't. Moms can't do it all, we need to rely and reach out to others and not feel bad about it! For goodness sake, we put too much pressure on ourselves! I am learning to reach out to others and I will be there for them in return. We are to act like Christians and not just say we are, be the hands and feet of Christ, help those in need, do something, not just say it, don't be afraid.
3. Some friends and family shine through and some don't and you quickly realize who cares and who doesn't. Like I have said before, this is hard for me. The true colors of individuals come through, and its hard to not let that affect me. This is where I have to pray hard.... Be the better person and don't turn my back on them when they need something. Pray not to become bitter. Do unto others as you would have had them do unto you. Repeat.... :)
4. Dr's.....hmmmmm where do I begin. It is VERY hard to find a Dr that is sincere and truly cares today, but I will say that it is possible. I have had many great ones, and many not so great. We live in a very different world today and Dr's have lost that humanity, personal touch, compassion that I feel every patient wishes they had. To treat them as they would their own mother, father, daughter....I think about one that said "I just don't understand why you would want a second opinion." U of M told you what to do, and I don't know what else you are looking for." Would he say that to his wife? Ooops, we did what U of M said and 2o years down the road we realize that was a mistake? Or another one that said "we could have a hayday with you if you really wanted us too doing all sorts of surgeries and procedures on you". Really? I don't even want to comment on that one. Another one said "are we doing this just as a favor on the side as a friend or is there a real request from a physician?" only after I said that it was official and he would be paid would he continue. Friend? He considers me a friend? ONE dr is supposed to make the decision on major life decisions? NO. I am here to tell you that Dr's are human, Dr's are sinners, Dr's make mistakes and I know they cannot know everything but then admit it and help us go to the one that does! Don't just leave us in the dark to be our own advocate and figure it out on our own. Take the time to look into my case, I realize its complicated and that it means that you have to spend more "time" than you probably care too on one patient but PLEASE we are talking about lives here! There is absolutely NOOOOO communication between physicians, they assume someone else is taking care of you, or basically "let it (me) be someone else's problem"
For those of you that have family friends, even yourself, if something doesn't feel right, or you just have doubts or questions....dont just settle with the one. Easier said than done, look at me, I would have signed right up with U of M if it weren't for my husband but thank the Lord I didn't. I just am so sick of not knowing what to do that I just want to do something!!! Keep going, fight, find another opinion, find another dr. There are a million of them out there and they all get paid, keep going till you ALL agree and feel confident with what is at hand. Don't always put soo much trust in just one. I work in the medical field people, I see mistakes happen all the time, its a fact of life, I realize there is no guarentee with any surgery or procedure but that is why YOU have to be confident with the Dr taking care of you. There are some that shouldn't be out there. I could keep on going but all I can say and plead with you reading is, don't always go with the flow and do what they say, especially if it doesn't seem right to you!
Tomorrow I get my veins in my throat wrapped again. This is what landed me in the hospital last time so I am alittle nervous but I now feel more prepared. I am going to beg him to leave them alone if he can....maybe they won't look so bad, thats my prayer today. Karlie and Luke, mom loves you and I will be ok.
And yes, we are going to get another opinion. I know I said I was done, but again my husband is keeping me grounded and we still do not have 2 dr's agreeing on anything. U of M states they are right, Cleveland says they are. They BOTH have very legitimate defenses and it is hard to decide. I am the one that has to decide. WHO do I trust the most? So we go to Henry ford hospital in Detroit for a tiebreaker. 2 out of 3, one will win. I pray that he doesn't throw a different opinion out there!!! Oh my word, I don't know what I am going to do then!!!! I am scheduled for the TIPS shunt in my liver on the 18th of March, will it stay on the books? Next Thursday will reveal. I could talk to you about the differences in the surgeries at hand and what the defenses are but it is pretty complicated to understand and I think you would think its boring. To me, it is soo interesting, the body is mind boggling, complicated, and amazingly made by the Lord. He has a PLAN, I just pray it reveals itself to me as we get closer to deciding.
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