Dec.2009-6 months of freedom

Well for 6 months I have lived the good life. I enjoyed my life to the fullest, went camping a ton with my children enjoying nature, Gods creation, and every moment truly taking in each little pleasure of LIFE.

I knew this time was coming, my 6 month check up. Everything was going great so I was very excited to hear the next step, I thought everything was fine and we could pull me off my meds, the procedure of cleaning out the clot at U of M was successful.

That was until last week. Thanksgiving. Again, I woke up thanking the Lord for life and all the many blessings He continues to give me when I am so undeserving. Went to church, ran 5 miles, (nothing new, my Dr's gave me clearance for it) finished and my stomach started to grow. I had the same feeling in my abdomen that started this whole thing, I was crampy, painful, and started to cry b/c for the 1st time in 6 months I realize that this whole thing just might not be over!

I had a scope today with my Gastrointestinal Dr today. He told me this weekend to stay on Coumadin (blood thinner) b/c he didn't expect he would have to do a thing b/c last time the varices (large veins) in my throat were gone and he did not anticipate seeing anything again. Well, I am sorry to hear the news and was fearful of hearing them from the very start b/c deep in my heart I knew what he was going to say. "They are back, they are large, the needed to be banded (wrapped and compressed) ASAP b/c they are looking like they are going to hemorrhage."

Meaning: my veins are back and large enough to hemorrhage, my pressure inside has NOT returned to normal, working out again has pushed my pressure up and my symptoms have returned b/c the clots have come back. BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!

I will be off my coumadin for the next week (good for my veins that could hemorrhage b/c that is scary for them) but it doesn't help with my clots. I hope I am making sense but these 2 things contradict each other and I don't know which they are going to choose. Coumadin=breaks up/prevents the clots Coumadin also makes your blood thin and with varices that is the last thing you want to be on with chance of hemorrhage. I will have them wrapped next week Thurs. and then on the 14th head to U of M to discuss the next step. Option one seemed to have failed, Option 2???? We had one at the time, I know it involves a very serious surgery with life threatening possibilities, but I guess I am there now again anyways.....

Today has been a very emotional day for me. Actually ever since last Thursday b/c I knew in my heart I was not healed as I had thought. I think about what I have already gone through, it seems like a nightmare, and I am scared. It seems so long ago and yet, it is all still so vivid in my mind....I don't want to die and I know that is one of my weaknesses I struggle with the Lord with, I shouldn't be, but I just can't believe all of this is happening again. I also know it doesn't mean I will die, but trust me, it is something I think about, it is possible. We have to do something to help me live a full life and it looks like we have to start over again.....

I just think about my husband, kids, today I just cling to them and savor their little miracles that have blessed my life in SOOOO many ways. I love my children and I am scared to leave them.....
Ok enough,
Goodnight.
Lisa