ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!

This week brings with it alot of emotions...Fear, grieving, sadness, joy, hope, celebration.

The one year anniversary of the day I went into Henry Ford hospital, April 11, 2011 to get my new lifeline, my artificial bypass in my belly. So much has changed I really don't even know where to start. The biggest blessing has been what God has done for me through it all. I have new life, and a new life with Him and for that I owe all the glory, honor and praise.

Today of all things I came across a journal, one that I took with me to the hospital (thinking I would be awake and have so much time to write, ya right!). I remember waiting for my name to be called to go into surgery and quickly writing down a note...This is what it said:


10:30 am- "I sit here staring around at all the other people sitting in the waiting room, its rather full of people, almost every seat is full, people from all over, and colored black, white and brown. I wonder why they are here...What path they have traveled to land them here and how long have they been suffering. How many of us will live and if we do for how long? I am getting scared as it is all about to happen....I felt so brave up until now, I want to run, hide, pretend this is a dream, I feel like I am in a daze.

If I die, please take good care of my kids and protect them forever. Steve, continue on and find a good Christian Godly woman to take care of you and the kids as if they were her own. Tell my kids that I love them more than anything else on this earth. You are my everything and I know the Lord will bless you, guide you as your grow into beautiful adults with a heart for the Lord. Keep me in your hearts always and remember, if I could, I would be there holding your hands every step of the way, on your graduations, wedding days, and when you have the joy of holding your first born.

Karlie- your beautiful, and so much JOY, a perfect name for you (PJ's with feetie, blankie with the special corner on it that you rub and snuggle with each night, your roller blades, smile, kind heart, and your love for life!) all memories that I always think about when thinking of you.

Luke- your silly and funny! Always making mom laugh. ALL BOY!!! (trucks, motorcycles, the color orange like dads KTM, and your facial expressions) ALL putting a smile on moms face. NO ONE but GOD knows why mom got this way and unfortunately I have been sick for most of your life and I am so sorry.

I love you guys and can't wait to be with you again.
Mom"

Memories of that day have been shoved WAY back in my brain. When I think about it, I feel like I did die that day b/c so much of me did. I am a better person now. Every now and then the pain comes back (mentally) and it is more than I can bare and I start sobbing unable to control my fears from the memories. I didn't know if I would survive, and I had to be honest, I could easily die in this extensive 4+ hr surgery where every organ and vessels would be exposed. Steve told me about being left in the waiting room after 6 hours, the last one left in the room. Where is his wife? The desk told him that the doctor was on the phone....What was he going to say? I was finished but not coming out of it well. I remember now, waking up just finished with the surgery and the pain was more than I could bare, I was whispering "HELP ME" my guts felt like I was ripped open and I grabbed a nurses hand begging her to help me...with a faint voice, I couldn't even barely talk. I remember thinking "Lord, please let me die!" I wanted to go. They had given me more meds than most 250pd patients and couldn't give me anymore, they didn't understand how I could still be awake and I can remember it vividly, the pain!! I believe that is the first time I pleaded with God to take my life and end the misery. That week I stayed I went to hell and I have NO DOUBT that if the Lord wasn't there with me, I could have never survived b/c I wanted to die. He gave me a strength I never knew I had and little by little I was making it, I survived and came out alive 8 days later....

I recovered for months and now its all a memory that I keep, visiting once in awhile, NEVER to be forgotten, you can never go thru something like that and ever come out the same, nor forget. My belly is still bruised and my incision large, I have injected my stomach over 2000 times since it all began in 2009 with a drug that keeps me alive, but could also be what kills me, will that be how it all ends? Not that I want to stay in this world forever b/c trust me, its not a fun place to be, but I get to be the mom to my kids! I get to be the wife to my husband! THAT is why I say "each day is a blessing" b/c I get the blessing to be both each day that I am here and find a new way each day to give God the glory for it.

I grieve my pregnancies and why they had to be so hard, I would love to be able to have another child!! To hold one more baby of my own. I miss running, kickboxing, being a crazy fit girl :) b/c I felt so empowered, strong, and close to the Lord when I did, amazed at the body he had given me. I sometimes go back to the doubting and self-pity game I will admit...Why? Why did I have to suffer so much with so many aspects in my life already? Why not someone else when I look at how "bad" they are in my own mind. Why was I so alone? Did God do this to punish me? Was I really that evil that He had to put me through 20+ hospitalizations and procedures, nothing ever seemed to go right?

I still cry. I still have my sad days.... Then I start hollering at myself and say Lisa, get over it, it happened, GOD KNEW you could make it, He KNEW you would, He was with you the WHOLE time, HE was the ONLY one holding your hand every step of the way, He KNEW this would make you stronger, and HE ULTIMATELY HAD A PLAN, TRUST IN HIM WITH ALL YOUR HEART MIND AND SOUL!!!!!! Quit listening to the bad ideas that satan is placing in your head and believe in YOU, through God's amazing faithfulness. You came out a winner b/c now you have and know HIM b/c of it all!! Isn't that enough????

YUP. I want to live Gods will for my life, not mine. I want to stand firm in the promises of God. Great is His faithfulness. He could have let me go. BUT HE saved me! I will trust in GOD for the rest of my days. For that I rejoice! He is now my everything and I am so much happier b/c of it all!! We never know when our last day will be, but I am going to try my hardest with the Lords help to give Him the glory, to find ways to show others HIS amazing love, He too suffered more than anyone could ever imagine and He did it for us, so that we could LIVE!!