A true friend LOVES as ALL times

Before I even begin writing about the subject of friends, I want to say that I love ALL my friends that are in my life today with all my heart, more than most of them know, and I would do anything for any of them, friends which include my family...I struggle with my friendships and it is a subject that I find very difficult. This is a reminder for myself and a spiritual growth that I am working on....I am NOT here pointing fingers, I am FAR from perfect and have to constantly humble myself and stay on my knees, but merely asking for each of us to look deep at our hearts and ask ourselves..."Am I a Christ like, friend, do I look at others the way that God would?" God starts to prune your life and your friends when you surrender your heart to Him.... It doesn't take long in anyones life, at a very young age we all learn quickly that friends can be great or they can hurt... Lately I have had the topic of "friends" weighing on my heart. I know, we all know that some friends move, some relationships change, interests lead us apart, and things just happen over the years that make different people come and go into our lives. I have had many great and wonderful friendships, and I have had very painful ones, hurtful things said, done, and I have grieved them, things said or done by a friend or family are forever engraved in your heart and are the hardest to forgive...I still have people that I struggle with forgiving and I know its wrong, but the pain and hurt was just so bad that its hard, the friends I thought that cared and loved me, obviously didn't or don't, and that hurts!!! I believe God brings each and everyone of them into our lives for a purpose and its sometimes hard to figure out what that exactly is. Do we keep the friendship going even when we don't want too? Are they leading us to grow in our faith with the Lord, or bringing us down? Do I WANT to be with them b/c they make me feel better or do they make me feel worse about myself and have the wrong motives in their hearts. Ask yourself these questions: Have you let a friendship disolve or break apart because of 1.ENVY 2.JEALOUSY 3.GREED 4.SHE'S PRETTIER 5.SHE'S SMARTER 6.SHE'S SKINNIER 7.SHE HAS A BOY/GIRL AND I DON'T 8.HER FAMILY IS PERFECT 9.SHE HAS A BIGGER HOUSE THAN ME 10.SHE DRIVES A NICER CAR 11.SHE'S SO CREATIVE 12.SHE ALWAYS LOOKS CUTE AND PERFECT 13.SHE HAS THE PERFECT JOB 14.HER HUSBAND TREATS HER SO GOOD 15. THEY ALWAYS GET THIS OR THAT........... honestly, you get my point, this list could go on and on and on!! Have you? Have you kept your distance and allowed a friendship to break apart and weaken b/c of yourself? These are sins and issues that only each of us can deal with on our own but I am here to tell you, surprise!!! NO one is PERFECT. Everyone has their flaws, mistakes, maybe you took what they said or did the wrong way, you have no idea what people have gone through emotionally, physically, what they are dealing with in their hearts, and just b/c they have something that you want or don't have....Makes them a bad person? JUDGEMENTAL!!!! Friends and family can cause us grief and hardship, lead us to sin more, they can constantly disappoint us OR they can be positive, uplifting, forgiving, honest, true and real, console and comfort, correct, guide and challenge, and withhold us to our promises to each other and our faith in the Lord, help us grow, and love us unconditionally. THAT IS THE KIND OF FRIEND I WANT!!!! Friends that are 100% true, themselves, honest, will challenge me to be a better person, and if I said something or do something that is wrong will come to me and TELL ME!!!!!! Don't just treat me like junk so that I have no idea what is going on or what I did wrong. How can I be the friend I long to be if you are not willing to do the same to me? "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you" Do you take that serious when you are teaching it to your kids and model it, and show it to others yourself? Or is that one command in the bible that you can bend to fit your needs.... "Hate the sin and not the sinner" one of my favorite quotes. If something makes you mad, or something happens that you didn't like or took the wrong way, if they have something you don't, if they don't agree with you, are you going to hold it against them and treat them badly b/c of it and Not fully Love or open your heart to them b/c you kinda spite them... Do you have your "friends" only when they are convenient or a benefit to you? Flatter them with fake appreciation and affection b/c at the time they have something going for them that you want a part of, but as soon as you get what it was you wanted, you desert them? Do you critisize "joke or mock" or make fun of their good qualities/personality/body/kids because deep down your actually really jealous and wish you had them qualities yourself? Are you critical and look at everyone elses flaws and Do you secretly wish that something bad would happen to them or that they would get fat, get ugly, go broke, something so that you could feel better? I am sorry but this makes me sick....B/c so many can be this way!!! You might be laughing but its true, I have seen and heard it all!!! God made them, God had planned their qualities and made them who they are, you think they can help it? I honestly think that the skinny and the prettiest girls probably have it the hardest b/c others treat them bad because of it! Ok, I know there are some girls that purposely starve themselves and go on any and every diet possible b/c that is what they feel is the most important, are arrogant and hold their nose alittle too high in the air, but really, how sad is that? Again, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with a diet, I think we all need em from time to time and thats fine!!! Its when it becomes your obsession and its all you think about that is an issue. Are you a positive thinker or negative? Do you have a downer attitude b/c life hasn't treated YOU fair or your life isn't as good as you think it should be? Wooo is me, b/c you don't have this or that, if only you had her hair, if only you would lose 10 pds, get a bigger house, a new car...THEN you would be happy!!! really? This kind of thinking only makes me depressed and rubs off on me making me feel worse and quite frankly, I don't like it at all. I am NOT for self-pitying....If you want to change or are jealous, DO SOMETHING about it!!! Its not going to make any thing better to sulk. Chose your friends very wisely, says the Lord. At the age of 35 I find that friendships are hard to start b/c of all the corruption in peoples hearts, they are hard to keep, and its hard to make yourself vulnerable and open if you have been hurt in the past... Remember, its not the Number of friends, its the quality of friends that matters the most to me. If you don't have quality friends or one, PRAY!!! Its amazing how God opens the doors or closes them and you know when its not right. Maybe it takes YOU putting forth the first step, getting out of your comfort zone, putting in the effort to start, but they can happen if we allow them too and allow God to place them! I am ready for God to prune away....Open doors or close them. God knows what is best and right now I am praying hard that I remember that and try not to make it all happen on my own!! He sure knows I fail miserably when I try, and the friends that I think I need or want, may not be the best for me....He always has a better plan and for that, all I can do is Trust in Him.

My Greatest Blessings!!!

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!

This week brings with it alot of emotions...Fear, grieving, sadness, joy, hope, celebration.

The one year anniversary of the day I went into Henry Ford hospital, April 11, 2011 to get my new lifeline, my artificial bypass in my belly. So much has changed I really don't even know where to start. The biggest blessing has been what God has done for me through it all. I have new life, and a new life with Him and for that I owe all the glory, honor and praise.

Today of all things I came across a journal, one that I took with me to the hospital (thinking I would be awake and have so much time to write, ya right!). I remember waiting for my name to be called to go into surgery and quickly writing down a note...This is what it said:


10:30 am- "I sit here staring around at all the other people sitting in the waiting room, its rather full of people, almost every seat is full, people from all over, and colored black, white and brown. I wonder why they are here...What path they have traveled to land them here and how long have they been suffering. How many of us will live and if we do for how long? I am getting scared as it is all about to happen....I felt so brave up until now, I want to run, hide, pretend this is a dream, I feel like I am in a daze.

If I die, please take good care of my kids and protect them forever. Steve, continue on and find a good Christian Godly woman to take care of you and the kids as if they were her own. Tell my kids that I love them more than anything else on this earth. You are my everything and I know the Lord will bless you, guide you as your grow into beautiful adults with a heart for the Lord. Keep me in your hearts always and remember, if I could, I would be there holding your hands every step of the way, on your graduations, wedding days, and when you have the joy of holding your first born.

Karlie- your beautiful, and so much JOY, a perfect name for you (PJ's with feetie, blankie with the special corner on it that you rub and snuggle with each night, your roller blades, smile, kind heart, and your love for life!) all memories that I always think about when thinking of you.

Luke- your silly and funny! Always making mom laugh. ALL BOY!!! (trucks, motorcycles, the color orange like dads KTM, and your facial expressions) ALL putting a smile on moms face. NO ONE but GOD knows why mom got this way and unfortunately I have been sick for most of your life and I am so sorry.

I love you guys and can't wait to be with you again.
Mom"

Memories of that day have been shoved WAY back in my brain. When I think about it, I feel like I did die that day b/c so much of me did. I am a better person now. Every now and then the pain comes back (mentally) and it is more than I can bare and I start sobbing unable to control my fears from the memories. I didn't know if I would survive, and I had to be honest, I could easily die in this extensive 4+ hr surgery where every organ and vessels would be exposed. Steve told me about being left in the waiting room after 6 hours, the last one left in the room. Where is his wife? The desk told him that the doctor was on the phone....What was he going to say? I was finished but not coming out of it well. I remember now, waking up just finished with the surgery and the pain was more than I could bare, I was whispering "HELP ME" my guts felt like I was ripped open and I grabbed a nurses hand begging her to help me...with a faint voice, I couldn't even barely talk. I remember thinking "Lord, please let me die!" I wanted to go. They had given me more meds than most 250pd patients and couldn't give me anymore, they didn't understand how I could still be awake and I can remember it vividly, the pain!! I believe that is the first time I pleaded with God to take my life and end the misery. That week I stayed I went to hell and I have NO DOUBT that if the Lord wasn't there with me, I could have never survived b/c I wanted to die. He gave me a strength I never knew I had and little by little I was making it, I survived and came out alive 8 days later....

I recovered for months and now its all a memory that I keep, visiting once in awhile, NEVER to be forgotten, you can never go thru something like that and ever come out the same, nor forget. My belly is still bruised and my incision large, I have injected my stomach over 2000 times since it all began in 2009 with a drug that keeps me alive, but could also be what kills me, will that be how it all ends? Not that I want to stay in this world forever b/c trust me, its not a fun place to be, but I get to be the mom to my kids! I get to be the wife to my husband! THAT is why I say "each day is a blessing" b/c I get the blessing to be both each day that I am here and find a new way each day to give God the glory for it.

I grieve my pregnancies and why they had to be so hard, I would love to be able to have another child!! To hold one more baby of my own. I miss running, kickboxing, being a crazy fit girl :) b/c I felt so empowered, strong, and close to the Lord when I did, amazed at the body he had given me. I sometimes go back to the doubting and self-pity game I will admit...Why? Why did I have to suffer so much with so many aspects in my life already? Why not someone else when I look at how "bad" they are in my own mind. Why was I so alone? Did God do this to punish me? Was I really that evil that He had to put me through 20+ hospitalizations and procedures, nothing ever seemed to go right?

I still cry. I still have my sad days.... Then I start hollering at myself and say Lisa, get over it, it happened, GOD KNEW you could make it, He KNEW you would, He was with you the WHOLE time, HE was the ONLY one holding your hand every step of the way, He KNEW this would make you stronger, and HE ULTIMATELY HAD A PLAN, TRUST IN HIM WITH ALL YOUR HEART MIND AND SOUL!!!!!! Quit listening to the bad ideas that satan is placing in your head and believe in YOU, through God's amazing faithfulness. You came out a winner b/c now you have and know HIM b/c of it all!! Isn't that enough????

YUP. I want to live Gods will for my life, not mine. I want to stand firm in the promises of God. Great is His faithfulness. He could have let me go. BUT HE saved me! I will trust in GOD for the rest of my days. For that I rejoice! He is now my everything and I am so much happier b/c of it all!! We never know when our last day will be, but I am going to try my hardest with the Lords help to give Him the glory, to find ways to show others HIS amazing love, He too suffered more than anyone could ever imagine and He did it for us, so that we could LIVE!!