Have you ever had a desire to do something in life but never really dared to do it? Why? Have you had a dream but thought you weren't good enough, strong enough, brave enough....worried about succeeding or even making it a reality, said maybe tomorrow? Maybe next year?
I can remember sitting in my counselors office, (yes, I have done the counseling thing and I love it IF IF IF you have the right one it can be incredibly valuable!) at the time I was struggling with my marriage and Steve, I was a second time mom, rather new at the whole thing again, stressed out, trying to figure this whole "life" thing out, and my counselor asked me the question: What is ONE thing that Lisa has really wanted to do but never did? The only thing that I could come up with at the time was run a marathon. Well, to run a 5k first. Why hasn't Lisa done that before? hmmmm..... I had to think about that one back then and I came up with, afraid of failure. I won't be good enough or be able to do it.
This came up and pressed on my heart with the new year 2013 as I reflected on my life... I am going to fail at being a mom, I am going to fail at being a wife, a friend, everything. BUT I wasn't always this way.
I did what my counselor told me to do and started to run. I LOVED it. I found a new passion I have never had. I got sick in 2009 and was given a clean slate of health in 2010. THIS was going to be the year!! 2010 I am going to run. I am going to sign up for a 5k and "just do it" as they say. I told the Lord as I was training that I was going to do it for Him. I ran miles and miles, felt empowered, close to the Lord, and felt Him in me as I ran. The day came for me to run my first ever 5k. I remember like yesterday the feeling that I would NEVER make it. I thought I was going to die!!! The whole time I just focused straight ahead and repeated the words "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THRU CHRIST". I was praying with 1/2 a mile to go, Lord, I cannot do this without you....PLEASE fill me with your strength and power to finish this race, just finish was my goal! I ran across the finish line. I made it. I had bronchitis on top of it and began coughing so much everyone thought there was something wrong with me. :) (yes I was crazy looking back I should have NEVER done it at that time but I made a commitment, and when I do, I am going to do it and I do NOT back down.) I lingered around the statistics, looked at the board, and there was my name at the top, Lisa Jongsma 2nd place. Noone was even there from my family, no close friends, but I drove home with tears pouring down my face....Lord, YOU WON!!!! I felt this amazing rush come over me and I knew that God was with me, HE helped me run that race, HE gave me the power and strength....I went on to run 4 more races for Him and took 1st place every time. It was awesome. Not awesome b/c I was #1 and oh look at me, but awesome b/c I knew HE did it. I knew that I was doing it for Him and loved it. I loved the closeness and empowerment I felt come in me from Him.
Then I got sick again, everything was back....I was told I could never run again. I was hurt b/c I finally found something that I loved and was good at, that God gave to me, and He took it away! I thought to myself, haven't I suffered enough Lord? This disease will affect me for the REST of my life, I have to inject my stomach 2xs a day for the rest of my life, I have to worry about my safety and injury b/c I could die taking bloodthinners for over 50+ years....Now you take away the ONE thing I love to do? I was devastated and realized that I still am. I need to get over it. How dare I feel sorry for myself and feel like God is always going to punish me.... He saved me and showed me thru everything who He really is and then I have the nerve to doubt Him? Ask Him why? Why should I get to do anything, I could be dead! I deserve nothing and yet He gives me everything!!!Selfishly, I felt sorry for myself and had an attitude that well, if I can't run, then I guess I can't do anything. My butt has been getting bigger b/c of that belief :)
But then I thought to myself, I GOT to run. I had the blessing to run and do well and God allowed me to run my races and do what I had always wanted to do. Its all about your attitude and how you look at it. Just b/c I can't run anymore doesn't mean that I can't do anything. Get over yourself Lisa Marie!!! Yes I will fail at being a mom, a wife, a friend, sister....BUT each day is new and each day is a day that I can worship and praise Him for what He has done in my life. I can talk about the Lord and what He has done in and through me. Do I miss running? absolutely!!! It was my favorite thing to do with Him. It was time to enjoy the world, nature, breathing, being alive when I was almost dead....It doesn't mean I can't still do all those things, I just cant' do it running. I have to find my new thing that I am good at....But what?
I have to see myself as loved just the way that I am in the eyes of Christ. He loves me. He saved me. Period. Shouldn't that be enough? Why am I so hard on myself.....Afraid of failure, afraid of letting others down, never finding anything else I will be good at.....
