I FORGOT TO LOOK HOW LONG ITS BEEN SINCE I WROTE LAST, BUT I MISS IT! ITS BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE APRIL 11,2011 THE DAY THAT CHANGED MY LIFE. A LIFE WITH LIVING WITH A SPLENO-RENAL SHUNT A FAKE TUBE PLACED IN MY BODY TO BALANCE THE INTERNAL BLOOD PRESSURE SYSTEMS THAT WERE BACKED UP AND NOT WITHHOLDING THE PRESSURE. 6 MONTHS OF NEW LIFE RULES 1. DRINKING A 2LITER OF WATER A DAY (TO KEEP BLOOD THIN AND FLOWING, IM NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS!!!!) 2. GIVING MYSELF 2 INJECTIONS OF BLOOD THINNER A DAY (BEEN DOING THIS FOR 2 YEARS SO NOTHING MAJOR HERE) 3. NEVER ALLOWING MYSELF TO GET OUT OF THE HEART RATE ZONE OF 140.....THIS HAS BEEN HARD!!!
3 WEEKS AGO I RETURNED TO THE GYM. I WAS A RUNNER MADE FOR TIME AND SPEED, RUNNING FOR THE DISTANCE....READY TO RUN MY FIRST MARATHON. NOW I CAN'T. I'M TOLD BY MY DOCTOR TO NEVER DO THAT AGAIN... AT FIRST I CRIED, SOMETIMES I STILL COULD BUT I AM LEARNING THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT AND I CANT CHANGE THE FACTS SO I HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT. OK, SO I CAN DO THIS, I WILL WALK AND JOG. STRAPPED ON MY NEW HEART RATE MONITOR AND HIT THE TREADMILL. 5 MINUTES LATER I HAD TO DROP IT DOWN TO A 4.3 SPEED B/C MY HEART RATE JUMPED INTO THE 155'S. WHAT??? THIS IS NOTHING!!! SO I TRIED A CLASS...OK OK, SO IT WAS CALLED "HOUR OF POWER" MAYBE NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY. JACKIE AND I HIT THE MATS. 5 MINUTES INTO THE CLASS DURING WARM UP I LOOK AT MY WATCH 166! WARM-UP FOLKS!!! I PICKED UP MY MAT, WALKED AWAY AND MY EYES FILLED WITH TEARS. I KNOW, STUPID RIGHT? HOW CAN I BE CRYING WHEN I AM ALIVE!! I WENT BACK TO THE TREADMILL AND WALKED A NICE PACE AND GOT A GRIP OF MY EMOTIONS AND SAID I BETTER SUCK IT UP AND BE THANKFUL AND REJOICE IN THE LORD FOR THE LIFE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN INSTEAD OF FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. NOT LOOKING AT TIME/SPEED/DISTANCE HAS BEEN HARD AND NOW I FOCUS ON ON LITTLE THING, A HEART, ITS MY HEART, AND IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE!!!!
SO I AM ADJUSTING TO SLOWING DOWN, WELL AT THE GYM AT LEAST :)PRAISING GOD FOR WHAT I CAN DO, FOR THE STRENGTH HE HAS GIVEN ME, FOR THE BODY HE HAS GIVEN ME EVEN AS ITS GETTING OLD, GRAY, AND WRINKLY... ITS HARD!!! I DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE YEAR OF LIFE I AM IN, THE FACT THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH, SURGERY, SEDATION'S, PROCEDURES, THAT MY BODY WENT INTO A SHOCK MODE BUT MAN, I AM LOOKING OLD THESE DAYS!!! NO WOMAN I DON'T CARE WHO SHE IS, ENJOYS LOOKING AT THE WRINKLES SETTLING, THE GRAY HAIRS APPEARING, ACNE IN THEIR 30'S! BUT THEN AGAIN, I LOOK AT WHAT I KNOW NOW COMPARED TO THEN AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO CHANGE THAT A BIT....
I THINK ABOUT THE PAST 6 MONTHS AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH IT TO BRING GLORY AND HONOR TO GOD? IF I DO DIE TOMORROW WOULD HE BE HAPPY WITH ME? IT MAKES ME HUMBLE AND HONESTLY FEEL REALLY BAD. HE SAVED MY LIFE HERE ON EARTH A SECOND TIME AND WHAT HAVE I DONE TO SAY THANKS? I LIKE TO THINK THAT I AM A MUCH BETTER PERSON BUT AM I? I THINK SO IN MY HEART, IN MY THOUGHTS AND MY RELATIONSHIP TO THE LORD IS SO MUCH STRONGER BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I AM A BIG FAILURE....DO I RELY ON HIM ONLY WHEN I NEED HIM OR EVERYDAY? DO I RELY ON HIM WITH ALL MY MIGHT WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GOOD OR ONLY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD? I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT THE LIGHT THAT HAS BEEN GLOWING WITHIN MY HEART TO SHINE BRIGHTLY FOR ALL TO SEE SO THAT THEY CAN NOT THINK THAT I AM THIS AWESOME PERSON, B/C I AM NOT, BUT TO SAY, THE LORD CAN WORK MIRACLES AND I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN, THRU TRIALS COME BLESSINGS!!! THRU TRIALS COMES A GREATER KNOWLEDGE OF GOD THE FATHER, SPIRIT AND SON!!! THRU TRIALS I WILL NEVER LOOK AT LIFE THE SAME WAY AGAIN!!! I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING AND EXPERIENCE IT HAS BEEN. BUT IS THAT ONLY B/C I HAD A GOOD OUTCOME? ONLY B/C THINGS ARE GOOD NOW? WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T CHANGE AND I HAD TO SUFFER EVERY DAY WOULD I BE THAT POSITIVE. I CAN ONLY PRAY.
ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER CT AND UNFORTUNATELY I GOT SOME BAD NEWS THIS WEEK....I WENT TO MY NEW PRIMARY DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT THE NICEST MAN TO TALK TOO, BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT I HAD A HERNIA DEVELOPING IN MY INCISION WHERE I WAS CUT IN MY BELLY. HE TOOK A LOOK AND SAID YUP, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? I ASKED WHAT HE MEANT AND I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY AGAIN TO FIX THAT. NOTHING MAJOR I AM SURE BUT STILL, ANOTHER SURGERY? HE ASKED ME WHERE I WANTED TO HAVE IT DONE. I TOLD HIM THAT I AM NOT DOING A THING UNTIL I TALK TO MY SURGEON IN DETROIT. SO I SENT SOME PICS TO MY SURGEON FROM THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN MY STOMACH WAS LOOKING TERRIBLE! IT WAS SWOLLEN, AND THAT HERNIA WAS LOOKING REALLY BAD. HE EMAILED ME BACK THE OTHER DAY AND SAID THAT HE WAS NOT SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF THE PHOTO: A. EITHER A HERNIA OR B. A COLLATERAL VEIN
WE WILL NOT KNOW UNTIL I HAVE A CT SCAN DONE ON MONDAY. A COLLATERAL VEIN???!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? FEAR IMMEDIATELY SHOOK MY WHOLE BODY AND I WANTED TO CRY BUT THE LORD GAVE ME A NEW PEACE, SOMETHING I NEVER FELT BEFORE. IF THIS "THING" IS A COLLATERAL VEIN THAT MEANS THINGS ARE GOING TERRIBLY WRONG INSIDE AND I AM NOT FIXED AFTER ALL. MILLIONS OF THOUGHTS WENT RUNNING THROUGH MY BRAIN!!!
- SHUNTS ARE MOST LIKELY TO FAIL IN THE FIRST 2 YEARS
- WHEN I LEFT DETROIT I SAID HOW WILL WE KNOW THAT IT ISN'T WORKING? HE SAID THAT I WOULD GET COLLATERAL VEINS "ACCESSORY VEINS" IN MY BELLY. WE CUT THE VEIN GOING TO MY THROAT THAT CAUSED MY INTERNAL BLEED SO NOW IF WE GET BACK PRESSURE THE ONLY PLACE FOR IT TO GO IS TO BUILD AND DEVELOP NEW VEINS IN MY BELLY.
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, WHAT DO I HAVE? ARE WE MISSING SOMETHING? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AND HOW DID I GET THIS? HOW CAN THIS BE?
- IM GONNA HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND KIDS AGAIN!!
WHAT IF THIS, WHAT IF THAT.....MY BRAIN HAS BEEN ON OVERDRIVE AND I AM SCARED. VERY VERY SCARED. BUT THIS TIME I KNOW THE LORD. I KNOW HE IS WITH ME. I KNOW HE FEELS MY PAIN, MY SADNESS, HE WANTS TO COMFORT ME, HE WANTS TO PROTECT ME, HE IS MY EVERYTHING AND I NEED TO GO TO HIM AND COUNT ON HIM FOR ALL THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO RID MY MIND OF BAD IDEAS....WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE WHAT IT IS.....WHATEVER IT IS I HAVE TO FACE IT. I CAN'T RUN OR HIDE AND GOD WILL BE THERE HOLDING MY HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
