It is absolutely unbelievable to me that in 2 months I will be "celebrating" the 4 year anniversary of my bypass. It seems like just yesterday. Life has been great and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Kinda scary to me to be on the top of the hill......I always wonder whats ahead, when am I going to go to the bottom again? I honestly can admit 100% that I never will again hit "ROCK BOTTOM" like I did in 2011. Oh sure, life isn't going to be easy, Christ never said that it would be. I have my struggles just like everyone else does. I have my moments of wondering if I am being a good wife, good mom, am I going to ruin them with terrible parenting :)...friendship struggles and friction with family but all of that is manageable when you are holding the hand of Christ. THAT my friends in the BIGGEST difference in my life. I can honestly say that when I "died" on the surgery table in 2011, I was born again in Christ. I have learned sooooo much since that day and I am rejoicing in His grace and His promises, His hand that held me through the entire time and I just enjoy passing along what I have learned in hopes that just ONE will be touched by my life by the power of Christ.
I am so happy to say that I have officially been injection free for 4 months!!!! YIPPEEEEE!!!! My stomach is rejoicing. The new blood thinner seems to be working well and I don't notice any side effects, so I am so happy to be free from shots after 5 years. In another month I will have my "yearly" CT scan to see if my bypass has been safe and protected as well with the new blood thinner.
I think about my situation all the time. Sometimes sad, sometimes I get emotional, but overall I rejoice b/c I see Gods hand in my life the whole time. I just LOVE looking back on life and seeing how all the little pieces fit that were already planned from the day I was born. When I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where I was going, when I didn't know who to marry, what job to get, where to live....God knew. God intervened and had it planned.
One big thing I have discovered through it all is that I encourage people NOT to do it alone like I did. I don't want to say that family and friends were not there, but for the most part, I didn't let them in, I didn't let them know how emotionally devastated I was, I didn't let them "know" how sick I was, how lonely I was, you see....when someone is sick its hard for outsiders to understand, we aren't saying that you don't care, but its different.....I suffered alone and maybe that was my fault but I also believe it was Gods plan. I didn't have anyone else so I HAD to rest and trust in Him. The unfairness, hopelessness, and darkness can be overwhelming....and I had to surrender my life to Christ, I couldn't make it any other way. I was broken. I was convinced my life was bad and that I was never going to be happy again. That God was punishing me for the sins that I committed and I will be honest to say, I was struggling and wrestling with God in giving up the control. I was weak and God wanted to show me WHO He was and grow me spiritually to be used for Him and His purpose down the road. I could have thrown it all away and chose to turn my back on God but thanks be to Christ, I accepted it, recognized my part, and grew from it all, determined to make it back, and make it back totally transformed to share HIM with others in ways I could have NEVER done before. Suffering is NEVER for nothing. Let go, Let God. God is enough. LEARN to love HIM more than anyone or anything else.
Being able to move from brokenness to acceptance to victory is no easy process. There were many days that I was at the end, ready to throw in the towel and curl up in the fetal position and close the door, I thought it would be better for me to die having a pity party all by myself! It took day by day stepping forward, sometimes back, to bring me to a place where God brought JOY. My faith was small, but it was growing!!! I thought I had my life all figured out, then I discovered I had to hand a blank piece of paper to God to rewrite my story and make it HIS. I could hear Him saying "why can't you trust me???" I sure did fight for that control!!! Trust and obey, for there's no other way.....
We live in a world that things can happen in an INSTANT, instant gratification....with God its a process and He often tells us we must wait.....That is why my testimony summed up 100% can be found in the Poem "WAIT" by Russell Kelfer....... it can be slow but its so worth it b/c you will start to grow! I wanted to be healed and fixed now. Why wasn't He healing me? Why did I have to suffer? How long must I suffer, stop this pain Lord!!! During those 3 years, He was definitely teaching me patience and I am so glad!!!!
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let you heart take courage, YES wait for the Lord"
Pain cannot be avoided, you must walk through it and we cannot RUN through it. Ask God to turn it into something good. The pain will NOT last forever....life can be good again, its alittle frightening and sometimes I feel guilty for being happy again. God lifted the burden, opened my eyes and started me on a new and better path I could have NEVER found on my own. How can I say I will never hit rock bottom again? B/c when suffering and pain or trials come my way again, I will walk through it never again alone but WITH Him. Things were not going well for me in life when I was in control, I was making an absolute mess of it. No clue what I was doing nor did I care as long as I had the controls. Now, my favorite thing is my relationship with Him, and bringing honor and glory to Him for all that He has done. I am learning to walk in His will and helping or encouraging others that can have the same! Don't forget Gods power and promises. I encourage you, wherever you are on your journey to allow God to turn it into something worthwhile. Give Him the control and He'll do the same for you. Believe me, as one who held out for years and years, it was foolish to do so!!!!
1 Chron 16:11 "Look to the Lord and HIS strength, Keep your face on Him always."
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