Well this week was MUCH better emotionally and I don't think I have had a point where I fell apart in at least 5 days, so thats good! One word can describe week 4 and that is: TIRED!!! I cannot regain my strength and am so tired all the time, I almost take a nap every single day. Sometimes I start wondering if there is something wrong with me. Is this normal? Last week I had the kids every day but 2 and by the end of the day I am exhausted and completely drained.
I went to the Dr to have my incision looked at and for the most part, it looks really good, there is just ONE spot about 1/2 inch that doesn't want to grow back together and keeps oozing on me. The worst: sneezing. I feel like my guts rip apart and it hurts sooo bad. I am so weak, physically, my strength is completely gone...I get out of breathe quickly, its just crazy. 6 months ago I was probably in the best shape of my life, running like crazy training for my 1/2 marathon and I look at myself today and I couldn't even walk a mile, my stomach is soo weak, I have lost everything. Its a great reminder of how quickly things can change, how one minute you think you have everything going great, the next day life can change forever...Nothing in this life lasts, from new cars that soon get dents on them from the kids, to houses that get spills and stains, to the human body that can go from machine to infant in a matter of weeks.
Over all I am doing really good when you look at all that I have gone through. I keep reminding myself that I was in the hospital for a week straight! Pumped with sedation and IV's, pain meds, cut open with my intestines pushed to one side, my kidney now has a new home, I had colapsed lungs, my spleen is shrinking back to its normal size, and my pressures are balancing working on securing that new shunt it has as part of me to stay....I have alot of stuff going on in there, alot of healing that still needs to take place, I think it is going to take a LONG time, alot longer than I ever thought but it was the most major thing I have ever gone through and this time with kids! I am no where close to being "good" yet, I have pain daily but I don't take anything, I am weak, tired and sore.
I just focus on one day at a time. If I look at it any other way I get discouraged and depressed. Its going to be a big lifestyle change for me. No more running again, EVER! If I talk about it, it makes me cry. I know that seems crazy but it was the one thing that I LOVED, the one thing that I felt was my thing, my time with the Lord, praising Him for keeping me alive and keeping my body going. I felt His arms around me and He filled me with a strength and power I never knew I had! I have no doubt that is why He had me run my 4 races last year and win....Because He was showing me that I could do it and that I could do it well even if that means I can't ever do it again. I can't EVER get my blood pressure above 120. I will be on blood thinners for life...I hate those shots, you would think that I would be used to them after 2 years but every time it hits 9am or 9pm I hate it. My body is covered with black and blue marks. Being on blood thinner for life means protecting myself from doing anything could cause any physical injury. No sports, sky diving, rocky mountain climbing, who knows what else :)
BUT Again I must focus on the positive and not feel bad about it b/c the Lord had this happen, I must do it and face it, and I am alive because of His grace. Each day is a gift! This week I just stare at my kids little beautiful faces and thank the Lord for them, for my life, for keeping me alive to be with them alittle longer, any day that I get with them is a gift to watch them grow and learn to love the Lord is my job that I will take seriously so that someday when I leave, they will know Him like I do and I can leave with no regrets. I will focus on cherishing each and every moment with them and all those I love. All my friends that have helped me on this journey and supported me, loved me, brought me meals, cards, visit, pray for me, I say thank you with all my heart. I could have never made it without each and every one of you!
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