KARLIES PRESCHOOL GRADUATION

Dear Karlie, Tonight you graduated from preschool and I wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. I love you more than anything on this earth and your little life is so precious to me.

Your middle name is so appropriate b/c you have brought so much JOY to me and dad through out the years, and I cannot believe how quickly time passes. It makes me sad to see you growing and getting older each day but each phase of your life has been a great joy and it always seems to get better and better. Promise to love me forever? Pinky promise as we say? :) I pray that we always have a special bond and that you KNOW you can come to me with anything.

You are sooo smart and the memory you have blows me away, sometimes I swear you are smarter than mom!! I knew you should have skipped preschool and gone right into Pre-K like mom had thought!! You just LOVE to sing and most of the time it is songs me and you listen to on wcsg, to see your little face light up with Jesus' love in your heart brings tears to my eyes. I pray that the Lord blesses you greatly, that He protects you from serious sickness or even death.....mom needs to go first ok? I have to learn to let go and let God be in control when it comes to that one and its hard b/c moms just want to protect their babies any way we can!! You are so beautiful that at night I can just snuggle next to you in bed and stare at you b/c you are so beautiful that I can't believe you came from me. You are so sweet and so giving, you share all the time with your little brother, you guide him, protect him and love him so much, your the best of buds....Another prayer answered of mine b/c I only had sisters so I didn't know how you guys would be! But Lukester thinks the world of you too and when you are at school we both miss you alot!

I pray that God keeps you close to give you the wings needed to fly, and that you keep Jesus close to your heart, and I want to see you grow in your faith and believe in Him with all of your heart. I will do my best to see that you do! But I believe God already has filled your little heart b/c I can see His love come out in many ways already. I love you sooooooooooo much and you know what blows me away even more? That GOD loves you more than me! That is alot!

ONLY 5 WEEKS...REALLY???

Yup, thats me. Besides my pouch belly :), I think it looks pretty good, my incision is healing great and there is only one tiny spot that still has a scab trying its best to close.

This will always be a part of me, in a way a reminder of Gods amazing faithfulness to me. I could have never made it thru this journey without Him and when people have hardships and struggles, the promises of the Lord is all we really have to keep us going.

My body is still black and blue, I have pain but its manageable and I don't take any pain medicine b/c the only thing that I can take b/c of bloodthinners in Tylenol and that doesn't even touch it. I have narcotics left but that just puts me out so I deal. Its a pain that is hard to describe. My nerves are gone and I can't even feel my fingers touching my belly its completely numb. I found out that diagonal incisions are the most painful and hardest to heal b/c the muscles and nerves have a harder time reattaching, than a straight across cut. My skin is getting sooo tough that I sometimes can't even find an injection site b/c the needle won't go in, its built up with so much scar tissue, I have welts all over my body, butt and thighs are the only places left. There are days that I hate doing it, but I am constantly reminded that I am alive and should be dead. Slowly my energy is returning and over all I am doing really good all things considering! Thanks for all of your prayers b/c there is NO doubt that it is b/c of them that I am so good today compared to just 2 weeks ago. I have made leaps and bounds and I am rejoicing!!!

I think about that runner of the riverbank that died 1 mile before the finish line and think to myself: that could have been me. The Lord prevented something like that from happening to me but it could have so easily, I was ready to run it, I was ready to challenge myself and go the distance. He stepped in and caused events to force me to quit running and I think of it as a bad thing b/c I love to run, when I should be thanking the Lord for it b/c it probably saved my life.

I have spent my days and nights wide awake lately. My mind just racing all over the place, thinking about what now? Is this going to be it? Is this going to work? Something that has consumed my life for so long and now its done? Will it come back? What is the Lords will for my life and what does He want me to learn from this all? Why did this happen to me? How long has it been growing inside of me and how on earth did I give birth to my children as hard as my deliveries were without dying if this was brewing already then? What a miracle to have my precious children, the love of my life, the sparkle in my eye. I have 2 amazing miracle blessings that I cant' get enough of b/c I am afraid of them losing their mom, yet thankful to the Lord that He kept her around for them even if it is alittle while longer. I lay in bed just STARING at them, its the most beautiful thing, I just wish I could wrap them up and protect them forever. I pray they never remember this time in moms life. It was sooo hard on me being away from them all the time but they are at great ages to be resilient to going all over the place while I need to recover.

Those are all questions I may never know. I must accept it and move on. Choose to live each day as if it were my last. When the kids leave, or Steve leaves, what do I want them to feel and hear if it were to be their last time seeing me? And vice versa...Sure we don't want to think about something happening bad like that but you NEVER know. Why not slow down and savor every minute. Have I been lazy lately, You bet ya I have! But I look around the house and think to myself, who cares if my house is dirty, beds aren't made, windows are printed with little hands of love, if I can snuggle with my 2 little bundles and watch a movie with them I am going to do it! I LOVE snuggling with them and Luke fell asleep in my arms the other day and before I knew it, mom was too and it was AWESOME! I will take that any day over a clean and "perfect" appearing house. Nothing lasts so why not spend the time where it is going to mean the most.

Priorities. Where are yours? Trust me, you never know when the Lord may have something happen and you won't be able to go back so PLEASE start today and make your priorities count, not according to worldly values but to the good Lords. It is my job and I take pride in preparing my little ones for what really matters in life and I am going to try to do the best job I can!

4 WEEKS POST OP

Well this week was MUCH better emotionally and I don't think I have had a point where I fell apart in at least 5 days, so thats good! One word can describe week 4 and that is: TIRED!!! I cannot regain my strength and am so tired all the time, I almost take a nap every single day. Sometimes I start wondering if there is something wrong with me. Is this normal? Last week I had the kids every day but 2 and by the end of the day I am exhausted and completely drained.

I went to the Dr to have my incision looked at and for the most part, it looks really good, there is just ONE spot about 1/2 inch that doesn't want to grow back together and keeps oozing on me. The worst: sneezing. I feel like my guts rip apart and it hurts sooo bad. I am so weak, physically, my strength is completely gone...I get out of breathe quickly, its just crazy. 6 months ago I was probably in the best shape of my life, running like crazy training for my 1/2 marathon and I look at myself today and I couldn't even walk a mile, my stomach is soo weak, I have lost everything. Its a great reminder of how quickly things can change, how one minute you think you have everything going great, the next day life can change forever...Nothing in this life lasts, from new cars that soon get dents on them from the kids, to houses that get spills and stains, to the human body that can go from machine to infant in a matter of weeks.

Over all I am doing really good when you look at all that I have gone through. I keep reminding myself that I was in the hospital for a week straight! Pumped with sedation and IV's, pain meds, cut open with my intestines pushed to one side, my kidney now has a new home, I had colapsed lungs, my spleen is shrinking back to its normal size, and my pressures are balancing working on securing that new shunt it has as part of me to stay....I have alot of stuff going on in there, alot of healing that still needs to take place, I think it is going to take a LONG time, alot longer than I ever thought but it was the most major thing I have ever gone through and this time with kids! I am no where close to being "good" yet, I have pain daily but I don't take anything, I am weak, tired and sore.

I just focus on one day at a time. If I look at it any other way I get discouraged and depressed. Its going to be a big lifestyle change for me. No more running again, EVER! If I talk about it, it makes me cry. I know that seems crazy but it was the one thing that I LOVED, the one thing that I felt was my thing, my time with the Lord, praising Him for keeping me alive and keeping my body going. I felt His arms around me and He filled me with a strength and power I never knew I had! I have no doubt that is why He had me run my 4 races last year and win....Because He was showing me that I could do it and that I could do it well even if that means I can't ever do it again. I can't EVER get my blood pressure above 120. I will be on blood thinners for life...I hate those shots, you would think that I would be used to them after 2 years but every time it hits 9am or 9pm I hate it. My body is covered with black and blue marks. Being on blood thinner for life means protecting myself from doing anything could cause any physical injury. No sports, sky diving, rocky mountain climbing, who knows what else :)

BUT Again I must focus on the positive and not feel bad about it b/c the Lord had this happen, I must do it and face it, and I am alive because of His grace. Each day is a gift! This week I just stare at my kids little beautiful faces and thank the Lord for them, for my life, for keeping me alive to be with them alittle longer, any day that I get with them is a gift to watch them grow and learn to love the Lord is my job that I will take seriously so that someday when I leave, they will know Him like I do and I can leave with no regrets. I will focus on cherishing each and every moment with them and all those I love. All my friends that have helped me on this journey and supported me, loved me, brought me meals, cards, visit, pray for me, I say thank you with all my heart. I could have never made it without each and every one of you!

WEEK 3 POST OP

There is only one word that I can use to describe week 3 in this journey and that is: emotional. If you have ever been sick for a very long time, disease, cancer, ailment, you too can probably relate that it plays with your emotions BIG time. One day your up, the next you are down. One day you feel like you are going to conquer the world, the next you think that you are going to die and never make it. It is an emotional roller coaster when you have something big like this happen in your life, and somedays all you can do is cry. This week was it for me.

I was so depressed and sad, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I couldn't talk to them without crying. I felt like I wasn't getting better, and I just wanted to feel normal again. I feel like I am not gaining and I am never going to get there. The thought of going back to work in 3 weeks scares the crap out of me b/c I can't even get off my pain meds yet, how am I ever going to make it at work in 3 weeks!!! I want to be the mom and wife I have always been. I want to run around with the kids, play catch, take them to the park, have them sit on my lap and snuggle, I want to lay with them in bed and just stare at them but I still haven't left my couch!!

My husband has been super mom thru all of this. Helping me with the dishes, the housework, the kids!! Taking them away, putting them to bed, washing their hair, taking them to church....again all the things that I long to do again, bless his heart, I owe him BIG time! I don't know what I would do without him. I left the house 3x, wooohooo, big deal, a whole 1 x more than last week. I had a visitor come to the house and she looked RIGHT at me in the eye and said she was sorry and started turning around, said she was looking for Lisa Jongsma's house and had the wrong house!!!! Do I look that bad??? Sure I don't have my hair done, I still haven't done it and no I don't wear makeup either when I know I am going to stay home all day, but that was pretty funny!! I look so bad that people don't even recognize me, so I apologize if you come over but I have honestly been to hell and back, the least of my concerns is how I look for the day!!

I spent one whole afternoon just bawling in the bathroom, looking at my incision....I felt like Jesus must have in the garden, and I just begged, "Please Lord, take this cup from me, I cannot do this." I can't take it anymore. I can't keep fighting, it has been soooo hard emotionally and physically I have been thru so much that I just can't do it anymore. Please end this misery, how am I ever going to keep going?

To say that this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone thru would be an understatement. Maybe I was nieve, really I don't know what I thought, I guess I didn't think it would be this bad, I have had many surgeries, scopes, sedated, intubated, been in ICU, critical condition, you name it, I have gone thru alot in my short life. I am a pretty tough cookie and have high pain tolerance, but this has been very, very hard for me. And maybe its because I have kids now, I am a wife and my heart longs to be with them and be doing all the things that I love to do with them. I will always call them my little miracles!!! I can't have children anymore and that fact has been very hard on me, but I look at the blessings that I DO have. I gave birth to 2 beautiful children and how I didn't die through those is a miracle in itself knowing this was brewing inside of me already then....I don't know what I would do without them, and God blessed me greatly.

To those that go thru trials of life, I don't know how you do it, if you don't have the Lord in your life. There is NO WAY I would have survived without HIM!!! I look at my daughters cross she put on my kitchen window, look at the saying on my wall that says "Each day is a gift" and I tell myself that I need to stop crying. I am alive, I should have been dead years ago and the Lord brought me this far He is not going to leave me now!!! He has a reason for all of this, He gave it to me, He Knew that I could take it and handle all that it has involved, and that I would grow and turn into what HE wants me to be. You can bet that I am NEVER going to be the same Lisa I ever was! This has changed my life, it has BEEN my life for over 2 years now!!! I went into remission and it came back, thats when it hits you the hardest b/c you know what it means and it means you have to go thru it all over again, that you are not really better when you thought you were doing so good! Scopes and dr. visits, blood draws, MRI's, CT's and maybe even more, yes this time, much more...major surgery on top of all the rest. I cannot tell you how much I pray that this is it. That this works, that it STAYS working, and open for the rest of my life. We don't know if it will. It hasn't ever been in people that long. It is a VERY rare surgery and I am lucky if I found 50 people in the whole US that has had anything like it done. I look at how much I have learned. How much the Lord has revealed himself to me and SHOWN me that HE is real, that HE is in my life. He has placed people in my life that love me and have helped take care of me and carry me along on this journey in prayer.....He has shown me how very blessed I really am, when I didn't even know it. He woke Lisa up and has shown her what real life means, to treasure each day, to waste no moment, to live for Him b/c all too soon, I will be gone from this earth and I won't miss it a bit because I now know HIM.