The Lord has His Hand in it ALL

I don't know about you, but I am ready for winter to be over. I do NOT like, enjoy, anything about winter. Someday it is my dream to be one of those "folks" that get to live in the warmth for the winter, part time.

I had great news this week and that all procedures planned at U of M are canceled. The physicians agreed with the results of my most recent CT and that most of my veins are now open again, and for the time, nothing to do interventionally. Unless I start bleeding or get ascites (free abdominal fluid) again. So what? We're just going to wait until that happens? Go live a normal life and lets just see how you do? Are we going to be checking to see if they come back? No one says. My radiologist said "DON'T go off anticoagulation!" My liver surgeon left his last email with: "you keep us guessing...." What does that mean?

So, this is good news. I am definitely happy to not be back at U of M right now. But at the same time I am filled with mixed emotions. I feel scared that I am a ticking time bomb. I feel like I don't have anyone in charge, whats the next step, what about followups?

I am in the middle of getting a new primary care physician, I need a good one, but no one has experience with what it is I have! What do I have??? I still remember the day about 1 1/2 years ago sitting in his office, crying to him b/c I told him there has got to be something wrong with me! His reply: "I know but I just think this is your year to have alot of difficulties". Granted, how could he have known what was going on inside of my body at that time, but we were about to find out! Not even 2 months after that, I landed myself in the hospital with all that has developed now over the past year.... I have to call the office alot, and trust me, I don't want too, but they are sooo rude, mean, fail to send out referrals, and never let me talk to a nurse, I'm just sick of it.... I need someone that knows what is actually going on with me.

I also am finding a new hematologist b/c my insurance will not let me return to the hematologist at U of M. I will go to my gastroenterologist on the 28th to have a look at the veins in my throat. If they are gone, I can return to exercising and living normal I guess.(don't worry Mom! I realize I can NEVER run again and I promise I won't. Trust me, I can't, or it could kill me, literally.) IF they are gone, I think we will be ok. For how long? No one knows. As long as I never go off my blood thinners, I may not ever have another occurrence again.

I could have died this past year. I have a serious disease that I will live with forever, that could honestly take my life at any time without any warning. No one knows why or what it is, my surgeon gives it the name "messenteric-venous occlusive disease." I make clots, these clots have caused alot of problems inside this body of mine. Its like living with cancer but its not active at the time...I look fine on the outside, I don't feel sick now, but inside, my body is a intricate maze.....The Lord has made our bodies absolutely mind boggling! Like my gastro said the first time he saw my veins "if you don't have something done, you will hemorrhage within a year". Steve and I cried all the way home. Granted, I still could die at any moment, but this life is not all there is....Did I truly live that way before all of this? I can honestly admit No. Nothing happens in this world, or to me, without the will of the Lord. Sometimes I struggle with Why? Why would God want this to happen to me? Why does He want me to have so much hurt? I know why. It was to grab ahold of Lisa, wake her eyes to the beautiful life she has, the amazing family she has, and to begin living forever grateful.....To serve the Lord with all her heart. This life is going to be over at anytime, its already going before my eyes! but my heart is with the Lord. This is honestly, probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Through my pain, struggles and suffering, Thank you LORD! I love You!