I'VE SEEN MIRACLES HAPPEN

I cannot explain the huge relief in my heart today. I am amazed at what has happened and it can only be due to 2 things: The Lord and Lovenox (a different kind of blood thinner that I recently got switched too.) There is a new song out by Kutless: I've seen miracles that happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, thats what FAITH can do. I LOVE that song. It is my favorite song and I listen to it almost every single day as a reminder to myself of the Lords faithfulness and love, and to keep believing in HIM and that miracles and prayers do get answered. They may not and will not always be answered the way that I want them to be, but that doesn't mean they are not answered. Its just all in HIS control and HIS plan, not mine. Sometimes its hard for me to have that kind of faith, to give HIM the control and sit back and let him do the work and the plan that he has for my life. It something that I long in my heart to improve on and I know I will. Too much has happened in my life that I can't turn my back on, and look to realize that it truly was HIM and that He was with me all the time. He has blessed my life in so many ways, I truly owe him all that I am and have. Isn't that what we were made for? To bring glory to Him and be thankful for his amazing love.

I, for the moment have NO signs of veins in my esophagus, I had veins that have reopened that were just recently full of clots, and today I am feeling GOOOOOOD. :) All the procedures that were going to be done at U of M were cancelled, I don't have to be scoped again for 4 months because my esophagus looked so good, and it is amazing. My Gastro, whom I love, Dr. Serini, couldn't believe what happened. He thought I went to U of M and had a recannalization done on my veins and was wondering what I was doing there on Friday. He just shook his head in amazement. As soon as he scoped me and saw how beautiful everything looked, he called my new primary and my liver surgeon at U of M to tell him the news. I am just so happy. It has been an amazing, crazy, scary, emotional rollercoaster of a ride, and one that I hope and pray is behind me. Yes, I will always have this "disease" but for now it is being managed and for that I say Praise the Lord. Its like being a diabetic and having to inject insulin twice daily. Yes, it does suck and it hurts, but you get used to it and when you look at what it could be...I've been through alot of stuff already in this life of mine, really hard stuff, its pretty minor and I will do it with no complaints.

This all is in HIS hands and in HIS control and I will be reminded of his faithfulness and goodness to me, everytime I think of what has happened....IT will always be this little reminder in my head. Life could be so much worse for all of us, we have soooooooo much to be thankful for, and yet so many of us feel sorry for ourselves and complain. Rejoice! He is good, and He loves us. That alone is worth celebrating.

I tell you what....I leave Wednesday for the Dominican with my husband Steve....We have rejoiced and will continue to rejoice forever. I cannot wait for this vacation that finally we get to go on! (it was cancelled last year due to my hospitalizations) We are so excited. Thank you Lord for your amazing love you have shown to me!

The Lord has His Hand in it ALL

I don't know about you, but I am ready for winter to be over. I do NOT like, enjoy, anything about winter. Someday it is my dream to be one of those "folks" that get to live in the warmth for the winter, part time.

I had great news this week and that all procedures planned at U of M are canceled. The physicians agreed with the results of my most recent CT and that most of my veins are now open again, and for the time, nothing to do interventionally. Unless I start bleeding or get ascites (free abdominal fluid) again. So what? We're just going to wait until that happens? Go live a normal life and lets just see how you do? Are we going to be checking to see if they come back? No one says. My radiologist said "DON'T go off anticoagulation!" My liver surgeon left his last email with: "you keep us guessing...." What does that mean?

So, this is good news. I am definitely happy to not be back at U of M right now. But at the same time I am filled with mixed emotions. I feel scared that I am a ticking time bomb. I feel like I don't have anyone in charge, whats the next step, what about followups?

I am in the middle of getting a new primary care physician, I need a good one, but no one has experience with what it is I have! What do I have??? I still remember the day about 1 1/2 years ago sitting in his office, crying to him b/c I told him there has got to be something wrong with me! His reply: "I know but I just think this is your year to have alot of difficulties". Granted, how could he have known what was going on inside of my body at that time, but we were about to find out! Not even 2 months after that, I landed myself in the hospital with all that has developed now over the past year.... I have to call the office alot, and trust me, I don't want too, but they are sooo rude, mean, fail to send out referrals, and never let me talk to a nurse, I'm just sick of it.... I need someone that knows what is actually going on with me.

I also am finding a new hematologist b/c my insurance will not let me return to the hematologist at U of M. I will go to my gastroenterologist on the 28th to have a look at the veins in my throat. If they are gone, I can return to exercising and living normal I guess.(don't worry Mom! I realize I can NEVER run again and I promise I won't. Trust me, I can't, or it could kill me, literally.) IF they are gone, I think we will be ok. For how long? No one knows. As long as I never go off my blood thinners, I may not ever have another occurrence again.

I could have died this past year. I have a serious disease that I will live with forever, that could honestly take my life at any time without any warning. No one knows why or what it is, my surgeon gives it the name "messenteric-venous occlusive disease." I make clots, these clots have caused alot of problems inside this body of mine. Its like living with cancer but its not active at the time...I look fine on the outside, I don't feel sick now, but inside, my body is a intricate maze.....The Lord has made our bodies absolutely mind boggling! Like my gastro said the first time he saw my veins "if you don't have something done, you will hemorrhage within a year". Steve and I cried all the way home. Granted, I still could die at any moment, but this life is not all there is....Did I truly live that way before all of this? I can honestly admit No. Nothing happens in this world, or to me, without the will of the Lord. Sometimes I struggle with Why? Why would God want this to happen to me? Why does He want me to have so much hurt? I know why. It was to grab ahold of Lisa, wake her eyes to the beautiful life she has, the amazing family she has, and to begin living forever grateful.....To serve the Lord with all her heart. This life is going to be over at anytime, its already going before my eyes! but my heart is with the Lord. This is honestly, probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Through my pain, struggles and suffering, Thank you LORD! I love You!

GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOUR PROBLEM

Have you ever been to church and had a sermon speak to you in such an amazing way that you would swear it was the Lord speaking right to you??? This was the day for me. I arrived and it was a guest pastor. "oh great". (You know that is what you think, and I am so disappointed with myself for thinking that way, its just not the same without pastor Don!) But this time I was proven wrong, just like many times before.

The message "God is bigger than your problem". We all have them. That makes us normal right? I am sure glad to know that with all my problems that it actually makes me normal for once! :)

Whether it be a cheating spouse, addiction, relationship conflicts, family, kids, or your health, we all have something we are dealing with. I think if we say we don't, we are only lying to ourselves. We are not perfect and I am so glad that we aren't. Because that is what makes us all family and we should actually love each other more b/c of all our wacky problems and be there for each other! We should be able to cry on each others shoulders and support one another, what is your pain is mine. God calls us to LOVE. But instead we all want to act like we have it all together, and pretend that we don't have issues. Some out there sure can pull that off. They look good on the outside, they look perfect, but I know they aren't. I am not saying this to sound proud, but that is what sinful nature has given us, problems.

This message was so great, I am just going to leave the 5 points to save for myself b/c this is something I want to cheerish and keep. Obviously for me, it spoke to me the most about my health staring me currently right in the eye. My fear of the uncertain, my blood clots, this wierd disease that has come upon me. But I can use it for so many other things as well.

1.FACE YOUR PROBLEM- don't hide it, pretend it doesn't exist. Look at it head on.
2.BRING IT TO THE LORD IN PRAYER- constantly, never give up on the power of prayer!
3.RELY ON GODS PROMISES- my favorite one is Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who stregthens me."
4.PRAISE GOD ALWAYS -I sometimes fail to do this one b/c I am feeling sorry for myself, and wonder why me? Instead of looking at all the blessings he has given me, I look at the things I don't want, the parts of me that aren't perfect, or the things I don't have, or feel depressed for struggling with my problems. I can ALWAYS find something to praise Him for, I just need to focus on that.
5.GOD WILL GIVE YOU PEACE

God is with me. He is holding my hand and he cries with me when I am sad. But he will never give up on me. My life is in his hands. That my friends is Peace!

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MAJOR REVELATION! 1-7-2010

Oh my word, I don't even know where to start today. Should I be joyfull, exstatic, or angry??? Let me explain what has unravelled the past few days.

On Monday I went to work. I work in CT as most everyone knows. I wanted to scan myself to see how bad and severe my clots indeed were as the Radiologist had said leaving us the week before at U of M. So, I called my primary to get a "real" CT ordered b/c I needed to inject myself. I had it done and low and behold, it shows my Portal Vein wide open! The CT actually looks almost the same as it did last month. What? So I ran down to Ultrasound and had my friends scan me there just to confirm the flow and open Portal Veins. A radiologist came in too to confirm that yes, indeed everything looked great!

Do you know what this means????!!!!! I am scheduled to have those "clots" taken out on the 21st at U of M. They told me that my Portal Vein was so bad that I needed to get them out ASAP. I have been filled with Fear, worry, anxiety, sleepless nights, torment and lost at the knowledge to know what to do b/c I was given so many conflicting options. I cancelled the banding of my veins in my esophagus b/c the Radiologist told me he would take care of them from the inside during the procedure. I have been on the phone with soooooo many physicians this week trying to make sense of this all. Before this even happened!

Now...I called my friend Dr. Knox an interventional radiologist that I work with at Holland, he also did my first liver biopsy,at home last night. Told him what had been going on b/c the last I left him with, he thought I was getting a TIPS shunt. He told me that there is NO way I was that clotted a week ago and completely open now. Granted I am on 2 shots of blood thinners a day, but there is NO way they could help that much. Get that CD(the venogram they did during my 2nd biopsy there at u of m, this is a test in which shows the clots if there) and my team will go over the CT done on Monday and the Venogram with you and we will see what actually is going on and what we think. Do NOT have a recannalization (scheduled on the 21st at u of m) if your CT looks like it did when I looked at your last one with you did. (it does).

So, what does this mean?????
1. I had a complete miracle. Which I am not at all denying the amazing ability of my great Lord to do, and all the prayers being sent up on my behalf, I do believe Miracles still happen daily.
2. They were looking at my collaterals??? (yes these are still clotted, these are accessory veins that took over when my portal vein was clotted, but they are no longer needed b/c my portal vein is open so really we don't care if they are. They probably have been for a long time)
3. I probably wont need anything done on the 21st.
4. This is all great news!!!!! Praise the Lord and praise the Lord that I work in the medical field and take the steps he tells me in my heart to do, like giving myself a CT!!!! All the Dr's I work with to give me all their opinions, all my friends at work to scan me and help me! All my friends in the fileroom to call around to Hospitals to get my reports, CD's sent....Thank you Lord for my job!!!!!!!!

I immediately emailed my surgeon at U of M to tell him what I had discovered. He didn't say a whole lot except that it was good news. "Get me that CD of that CT" so it should be arriving there today. "I will show it to Dasika(the U of M rad that does all my procedures)" Then "we can always come up with some other unnecessary procedure to do on you." (haha) I told him that was NOT funny. Do you honestly think Mike (my surgeon, he is my age and he wants to be called that) that in ONE week the anticoagulants could have done this? "its possible" he said. NO way! No one else agrees.

So, I obviously am filled with Joy and yet, what the heck is going on! I am beginning to be filled with doubt even more and every little step my physicans say or do! This is crazy! Do you know what I have gone through emotionally the last week thinking that I am about to die and that I am so filled with blood clots again? Every physician wanting to do a different thing about it?!!!! Talk about STRESS!! No wonder I gained 30pds! (just kidding:) But I have been eating like a crazy nut so don't be surprised if it indeed happens! :)

I will keep you posted! I am soooo anxious to hear news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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LIVING BY FAITH

So, I have diagnosed myself. I know that I have Budd Chiari syndrome, affecting one in 100,000. I just spoke to my cousin, who is a Dr. at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, and that is also the first thing he asked. No one so far has told me that I have it, but I just called 2 physicians and am awaiting their reply. The only thing doubting my mind, is why haven't they said that if it such a common disease involving blood clots, wouldn't they know that by now?

I spoke with my liver surgeon the day after getting home from U of M. He told me "lets sit back and do nothing, go on your vacation, and we will see how it goes." Then after alittle while he called me back and said to expect a call from the radiologist b/c my surgeon wants to put that shunt in, the whole original plan. My Radiologist told Steve and I that he did NOT want to put a shunt in and that after my procedure on Monday he would be seeing me before the 11th b/c he needed to get those clots outta there, like he did 6 months ago, b/c they are so bad. I also called my Gastroenterolgist and he said to do nothing. What?????

I talked to Steve and he said no way. So I called my surgeon back and asked him if he even talked to my radiologist b/c according to him, I would be back there within a week. He had NOT talked to him, he "tried". I basically started crying and told him "look, you need to figure this out. Think about me! These clots are not going to go away by themselves just like they didn't last time. We took them out! If these clots are so severe like the radiologist said, then think about the pressure they are placing on my veins in my throat, I could hemorrhage anytime, and basically am a ticking time bomb. He said I am a ticking time bomb either way. Then I said "You need to talk to my Radiologist and figure out what you guys are going to do!" His reply, I will try but he is busy, unlike me (haha he actually laughed). I told him "if he's not that busy then I will give you something to be busy about, figure out what is wrong with me and figure out what we are going to do about it!"
He then told me "well quit being so complicated." (haha again.)

I had enough that day. Sometimes you just need to be persistant I am learning b/c if I am not, I will never get anywhere. I am just a number there at U of M. I am not a person with a family, a wife, friend, mother.....
They don't care. Like Steve and I both said, you just get so sick of it, that you start becoming numb and not caring. Throw up your arms and say to yourself, Who cares? They don't, and I am starting to not either. Thank the Lord I am in the medical field myself b/c I can only imagine what would have happened to me already! I cannot imagine what people that don't have any clue have happen to them. The medical world makes mistakes, and they would have done plenty on me already if I hadn't known enough. It is soooo scary to think about and like I said, Thank God, I know enough not to just go with the flow and do whatever these Dr's say.

So what are we going to do? No one knows. No one has said. My surgeon called again and told me to expect a call from my radiologist b/c he wants to take the clots out. Great! That is what I want too. After reading up on it, and learning, I do NOT want a TIPS shunt like I was supposed to get on monday. The Dr's all have their own opinion and I see the facts behind their view, but I just don't know which one is right. THEY don't know.....

I am thinking about getting a second opinion. As for now, like my title says, I am living by faith. Scared? Not really. Nervous, worried? Not really anymore. I started not caring. Maybe that is all the prayers working on my heart. The Lord has my life in his hand, he has a plan and path for me, and ultimately HE knows what will happen. If, my time ends, I know I am going to be with Him. He has my life, He is my only strength and comfort in life, and I feel his arms around me. A peace has overcome me.....Thank you Lord.