Why Lord? When life seems.....so painful.

Yup, at work again and I am having a really hard day, I am just so emotional!!!  I have been a CT technologist for 13 years!! I cannot believe that!! Time has gone so quickly.  The older I get (ripe old age of 35 :) it seems that it goes even quicker.  When you finally understand life and enjoy it and savor the moments, you blink and poooofff! Years have gone by.  It is just mind boggling to me.  My little buddy Luke, almost 5 and Karlie Joy about to turn 7!!!  It seems like yesterday I was crying in the checkout lane of target with the little pregnancy test, the girl behind the register probably thought that i was devastated with an unexpected oops and said "are you ok? do you want a hug?" bless her little heart, but I was soooo joyful and overwhelmed with happiness b/c my last one said Positive and my husband didn't believe me so he sent me back to the store to buy another one!!! :) I was already 3 months along!!! (yup, again, I am one of those girls, go ahead roll your eyes ;) if you knew why you would understand.

Anyways, I watch my parents....Sorry mom and dad, but your getting older and forget things, things stress you out quicker, you can't do all the things you "used" to do and it makes me as your daughter sad to see you whom I love so much getting old.  You are amazing parents and grandparents, honestly I am truly blessed.  I don't want to think of the time I have to say goodbye and really, anyone could go at any time.  I think about my parents and how they raised us with a good life, we weren't rich we didn't go places all the time and have alot of stuff, we didn't go on vacations, if we did it was to Cedar Point and the Conference grounds camping and we loved it!  I never thought about money as a kid nor did I think we were poor, we were happy. They worked hard to give us what we had, to provide Christian education, and encouraged good behavior with discipline if you didn't. The sacrifices, dedication and love you pour into your children, you don't think about that as a teenager when you think your parents are old and old fashioned nerds, or adults until you become a parent yourself, then you realize what it means and the love for my parents has grown and becomes deeper as I raise my own.  They did the same for me!  I always say "the HARDEST job you will ever LOVE!!!!".

Today, I learned that a patient of mine, and even one that I ran a 5k for and won in her honor, died last month....Mother of 3, Wife, and at the ripe ol' age like me....35.  She was beautiful and she loved the Lord. Tears streamed down my face watching her videos, and looking at her pictures of her with long hair, then short, holding her husbands hand, staring at her children and reading them books.... She fought the battle HARD and now shes gone.  Her babies just 3 years old.....She knew her time to say goodbye would be at any moment, told maybe 6 months and yet lasted just 1.  I wonder what that would feel like?  I wonder what I would do, how my life would change, how much I would slow down and really start living life INTENTIONALLY!!!!  To know that at any moment I am about to meet my savior, the one that died and suffered a cruel devestating death on a cross for me, the one that I put Him on! The cross I should have been on, to save a wretched evil sinful person like me??  Is what I am doing today going to matter in the light of eternity and in my personal relationship with the Lord?  Really shouldn't we be living with that in the front of our mind reguardless if we know our end is coming or not?

Next patient comes in....ripe ol' age of 36.  The images come up on my screen and I am mortified and heavy hearted.....I don't know if there was one inch of his body NOT filled with cancer.  His lungs, liver, pancreas, intestines, bones.....He will find out soon that he too at any moment will have to say goodbye to his family and kids, same age as mine 5 and 7.....
Another one of my friends will have surgery this coming Tuesday and I ask you to PLEASE PRAY for him and the surgeon to remove a cancerous tumor from his kidney....wife just left him, 2 kids same age as mine 5 and 7......

I LOVE my job and have no doubt in my heart and mind that this is where the Lord wants me to be.  I had NO CLUE what xray was when I signed up for the program nor where it would lead me, it just "sounded fun".  I find great joy in my job and where can you go to work and see "Thank You! For allowing me to serve Christ by serving you today", each and every time I go into my scanning room. I found my very OWN BROTHER!!!! After 15 years of searching by working at my job, talk about the total Lord and providence, now that was the power of the Lord!!!  It is a great and amazing story if you ever want to hear it I will be happy to tell you! He provided this job for me.....But days like THIS is when my job is hard.  This is when I struggle in my faith and trust in the good Lord who gave us life and has our days numbered, He knows when we will leave it as well.  I know from experience that struggles and trials in life are a part of every ones life and I truly believe that God's hand is in it all, He has an ultimate plan even when we don't know what it is....The only thing we can do is Trust, and live each day for Him.  I had my struggles of why with my own health and sometimes still do, this is a very hard a painfully difficult subject very near and dear to my heart.  I lived through it, I will have crisis again in my life, adversity is an inevitable part of life,  I see it in others and I see it every time I go to work.  It is times like these that I must run straight to the Lord and look to Him, for in the bible we read that in time of struggle and difficulties we MUST:

• Trust that God is working everything in your life for your good (Romans 8:28)
• Believe that the heavenly Father is in control of everything
• Accept that the Lord's ways are higher than mine (Isa.55:8-9)
• Focus on the Father instead of the circumstance
• Submit to the Will of God
• Go to the ultimate source of strength- God himself
• Be determined to view the trial as a chance to see God at work
• Remain in constant prayer, listening for the Fathers instructions. God will often use hardship to draw US closer to Him.  He wants us to rely on Him, not ourselves.
• We must base our faith in God on His word rather than emotions
• In the valley we learn more about the nature of God: His presence in our pain, His LOVE in our loss and suffering, His patience despite our complaints. Through hardship, he may strip us of our pride, renew our passion for Him, refine our character and/or purify our motives of this earth
• Surrender your life to God be obedient to Him and He will guide you
• Rest in His wisdom, love and power
• To remind us of our NEED for Him, Christ

I have been blessed by my gracious God and given an underserving second chance...Some never are.  I KNOW what I am going to do with this life.

"Blessed is Lindy, William, Bruce, John Boy, Grandma Siereveld, Spencer Meyer, Mitchel Bunning, Samantha Henry, Kevin Cook, Lisa who perseveres under trial, because when he/she has stood the test, she/he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12

I know Lindy is free from pain and suffering, free from the evil sin of this world, and shining with her great and faithful Lord, finally able to see His face!
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NOVEMBER....REALLY 2012?

Ya, its been awhile so as I sit here at work, I thought I would jot down some ideas running thru my brain. 
I started co-leading a bible study at church.  You heard that right, me.  NEVER in my life would I have EVER thought that I would be leading a bible study.  At first when I was asked I even laughed....Me? What?  You must be crazy!!!  She said to think and pray about it.  At first I said, sure.  Then doubt sunk in and I said, well....Let me really think and pray about this. 

That is when I went to a womens convention "True Women" and the Lord totally put it all over the speakers loud system "Lisa, Follow me. Don't worry.  Put away your fears. Leave it to me, I will take care of the rest."  Without a doubt I knew that I had to lead.  I want to stay as close to the Lord as I can and I was just asking Him how I could do that because I realize and know that I am JUST in need of Him today as I was over a year ago lying on deaths door.  I NEED HIM.  Without Him I am a broken, evil, selfish, nasty person.  I don't want to put Him on the back burner just b/c life is going smoothly and life seems to be going well.  I started with a list of "Yes to lead bible study" and a list of "NO to lead bible study" and the reasons to the NO list were totally driven by satan and self.  (fear...What if I don't know what I am doing....What If I don't know stuff, I just started really understanding and reading the bible for the first time! Before it made no sense, Now? I can't get enough!! Why me?....What if people laugh at me or think why on earth is this girl leading, she doesn't know a thing, she just became a christian. Doubt, insecurity, failure, rejection, looking bad, negativity from others, gossip, pointing fingers.....) That is when God placed it on my heart and said, Lisa, why NOT you?  Do you TRUST me and place all of your faith in me?  This isn't about Lisa, it is about God.  It is about bringing glory to Christ and helping others find Him.  I said yes to God, Yes to following Him.  Yes to letting Him lead. 

I won't have all the answers.  I won't have all the knowledge, the wisdom, the right words, and if I do, then it is because of Christ and His help.  Each day I pray that I am filled with His wisdom and strength, His guidance and I know that with Christ, all things are possible.  I have to tell you that I thought I would be soooo scared, nervous, jittery, walking into that bible study that morning.  But you know what?  I wasn't!!!  I felt so peaceful, so secure, so sure that this was God telling me that this was the right thing to do b/c it was all coming from Him. I could sense His presence and it was like He had His arms around me. It was great!!!

Now I am not telling you that I am going to keep on doing it forever and that is totally the thing for me.  But for the time, I am listening to Him and following His lead.  This is where HE wants me today.  That may not be the place He wants me in the future.  This bible study I have to tell you has been AMAZING!!!!  Sooo convicting and hits you over the head like a hammer, right to the core, daggers right to the heart.  Nancy Leigh Demoss "Lies Women Believe".  When I started reading it this past summer I wondered how "good" this was gonna be.  I thought it was so good, I couldn't stop reading.  Now when I read it again it is even better!!!!  My book looks like it has been through a tornado!!!  It has been spilled on, smells like campfire, dirty from the beach, and I don't know if it is possible to get much more underlined in the book and highlighted, it is just that good.

So far we have talked about the lies we have been lead to believe or still do about God and who He is, ourselves and where we find our value (from others? Stuff? Money? Jobs? or God?), our Sins and thinking (were not that bad, comparing sins, thinking we can get away with it, I don't do what she did...), lies about Marriage, Do we need our husbands to be our joy, happiness, fulfillment.  Lies about Priorities (not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do) and allowing Christ to run the to do lists and in the end will it matter in the eyes of eternity? Next comes Children the blessing they are and how it is MY job to raise them with a desire for the Lord and noone else. Yes I send them to Christian school b/c it is important to me and a priority of mine to have them surrounded by Him as much as possible b/c I think that is what HE would want me to do, that is my choice and what He has placed on my heart to do everything I can, yes protect them, yes show them that the ways of the world are NOT normal and each day they come home talking about Him and what they learned I am thankful) I know we live in hudsonville but that doesn't matter.  I see a world that is falling and pushing God out of it as much as they can.  If thats not for you, then that is whats right for you. I am not here to point a finger at anyone for what they do or do not do thats not my job.
I want to talk about Him, learn about Him together with my kids each and every day in every situation that we can!!! Yet at the same time they are God's and I have to realize that I cannot do it on my own. Nothing I do can MAKE them have a desire for Him and find Him, I need Christ to help me in ALL things and at ALL times or I am setting myself up to be a self righteous bitch which is only going to cause problems!!!  I can't do "life" on my own and that means starting each and every day with an acknowledge of Him, praying to Him and spending time in His word and His wisdom and commands.  Trust me, I tried running this life on my own, doing things my way, trying to change everyone else but me, trying to run the ship and it sank....Hard to the bottom.  He threw His hands up in the air and said, Ha! lisa, you think you can do all this by yourself, have at it!!!  I failed.  I won't allow that to happen again.  I was sooo miserable and so crabby and sooo unhappy, I didn't even know it!!  THANK THE LORD He allowed what He did to happen in my life so that I could find Him and find the TRUTH that only HE can provide!!!  True joy!!!!!!  oh, I just can't tell you enough how much my eyes have been opened and I have to be on my knees each and every day thanking Him for "inconveniencing and bringing havoc" into my life b/c if that is what it took I would do it again to have and know what I do today!!

Does that mean that life is going to be a bowl of cherries and easy?  Absolutely not.  In fact, sometimes it is harder b/c I just can't stand the way the world is and I want to run and hide and flee from it all.  People are MISSING the boat and some of them drive me crazy b/c their blindness screams!!!  They are so unhappy, crabby, alone, and miserable, complaining about everything and they have NO CLUE how good they really have it!!!  Women especially b/c I am one of them and used to be like most of them, I see them trying to fill the void with sooo many things, wanting this and that, thinking their kids are perfect and they have it all together, and look at what mine did or this and that, bragging to boost themselves and their self worth up, so concerned about aging and clothes and weight and looking good, so many are filled with envy, jealousy, some talk about money and what they have all the time!!! Its all about looking good. It just makes me sick.  I honestly cannot stand it. Not that it is a bad thing to want nice things or dress decent and eat healthy....Its their heart, what is behind that heart? Yet, then I think of Gods love and I feel bad for them.  I feel bad that they are so miserable inside, that they are constantly trying to find happiness in all the wrong places b/c they are never going to find it where they are looking.  I feel bad b/c they are missing out.  They could have it so good.  How? It is only found by seeking Him and wanting Him.

Man, just listening to myself write these words, I am sure that some of my "old"  friends might be rolling their eyes and thinking, "she is whacked, oh listen to her" what a nutbag, she doesn't have it all figured out.  Trust me, 5 years ago if I was reading this, I would have thought the same thing.  I used to think, whats up with those people that act soooo crazy and in love with God.  It honestly would make me uncomfortable just hearing them or being around them.  BUT I found it!!! I don't have it all figured out but  I KNOW without a doubt that God is real.  People don't realize that He is REAL and He is here. He wasn't before to me.  I lived a checklist "religious" life, I didn't have a relationship with Him, I had no clue who He was or what that looked like!!! Sure I knew the stories, knew God saves, Christ died for me....blah blah blah....meant nothing.  I wrong!!!  Go ahead, roll your eyes, say whatever you want b/c I don't care.  I live with God in my life and in my heart.  I love Him and I know He loves me.  That is all that matters.  Want to know more...Look and listen to anything by Francis Chan, HE is amazing!!!  He has got it too!!!

REVIVE my Heart

So I went to a conference this past weekend with some great girls from my church,  the conference was called True Women lead by Nancy Leigh DeMoss one of my favorite authors.  I have to be honest and tell you that for WEEKS my heart was telling me I didn't want to go, the money wasn't there, I didn't want to be away from my family, I have way too much going on, I don't know the girls very well going and it will be uncomfortable....So the ways of Satan trying to sneak in those "subtle" untruths and get me to back out.  BUT I went and I LOVED IT!!!!!!  It was the best thing I have ever done in a VERY long time.  I have never gone to a conference like this, not a Christian conference and especially never one with 10,000 women are you kidding me!!  In the past I would have run as far away from that place as possible!!! :)

I so wish that I could just write everything that was said, express the overwhelming heaviness of emotions, and the power of the Holy Spirit in that place!!!  I wish I could just jump up and down and tell you how REAL and true the work of the Lord was in that place!!!  I took away soooo much more than I would have ever thought.  Starting the very first step in the door.....My heart was not ready to be opened, broken, stomped on, crushed, and then so revived all at the same time how is that possible!!!  Go ahead, roll your eyes, its ok, I am so at peace about that too now, b/c nothing can persuade me from believing the truth about Christ and only HE knows what is in my heart, He knows....I wish you did too, I pray with an earnest heart that you will SEEK him.  If you don't know Him or have a personal relationship with Him, all I can say is pray to Him and ask Him to reveal himself to you in ways that only He can do, and seek Him, look for Him, He WILL show himself to you!

I didn't get it either.  If someone would have talked to me, the way that I do sometimes, I would have rolled my eyes and thought "seriously, she is whacked!".  I had no clue!!  I was so delusional I thought I was fine! I called myself a christian but I wasn't a REAL one.  Whats the difference?  I now KNOW and live with Christ.  I have a relationship with Him and I love Him.  I WANT to be with Him and do His will and follow Him.  I LOVE reading my bible and hated doing it in the past b/c I didn't get "it"!!  YES I grew up in a christian home, went to christian school and had christian parents, went to church....yes I even made profession of faith but it all meant NOTHING to me.  I was going through the motions and looking at it as a set of rules "do's and don'ts" and living a checklist life, going to church b/c I thought I HAD too, it looked good, I was a good person, thats what good christians do. 

It honestly did not hit me and become REAL to me until just 5 years ago.  The year 2007.  I was pregnant with my son and I can remember clear as day sitting in my car, crying about my marriage "thinking HE was the problem and how hard marriage was and why did it have to be this hard, why wasn't He making me happy, why wasn't it like a dreamy fairytale, why couldn't HE change...." Really Lord?  Is this all there is to life?  This is it?  This sucks.  If YOU are real, you need to show me.  If this is "it" then you need to show me.  Are you real?  I don't even know if you are. 

AND THEN IT HAPPENED!!!! 

Was I ready for Him to reveal himself to me in the way that He planned?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!  But He had it planned, HE knew what it was going to take for ME.  Does it have to be that way for you?  I pray not.  May it just come naturally to you, I sure hope it does or did!  It is going to be different for each and every single one of us on this earth.  Your story will be different than mine, and God intended for it to be that way.  You might be 10, 20 50 or 80 and Finally "get it" that is FINE, He reveals Himself to us in ALL different ways and at different times.  For me, it was the age of 30.  For the sinner on the cross next to Christ, it was on his last day of earth, but it happened and that is all that matters.

The first way was God leading us to find my brother, Yes in 2007 when I was searching, the IMPOSSIBLE happened.  Through my job, through me, through a wonderful guy named Kevin Cook, we found my brother who was given up for adoption in 1969.  At the conference a lady asked if God ever moved you to a point of speechlessness.  THIS was definitely one of those moments.  Its a long story, one in which I would love to tell you about right now but that was just the tip of the beginning in this stubborn heart.  Ask me anytime and I will gladly tell you all about it.

Then one year after my little buddy Luke entered this world, I got sick.  VERY sick.  I was inflicted with a disease and to this day no one knows why or what....I have gone through 30+ hospitalizations, treatments, surgeries, procedures, doctors, traveled to Cleveland clinic, U of M, Detroit....I was very physically sick and God knew that I was spiritually sick as well.  Over the past 4 years I was crushed, stomped on, alone, fearful, scared, angry, bitter, questioned, and cried out to the Lord in a desperate cry of infliction and of need.  BUT HE showed me who HE was and He was with me the whole time.  He never left my side, the Lisa I knew before died, and He gave life to a new and improved one!!!  Tears stream down my face as I write this b/c I cannot express to you the brokenness that I felt but also the brokenness that I DESERVED!!!!!  I was a rotten apple.  I was full of worms.

"Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:19-23

BROKENNESS lead to a REPENTANT HEART and He FORGAVE me which lead to a life of FREEDOM and amazing LOVE and therefore my heart can do nothing but REJOICE AND WORSHIP.  My life has and never will be the same.  I lost my life to find a life in Him!!!!

Here are some of the most impacting words I heard and took home with me from the conference:

• God was seeking me the whole time, my whole life, all of it was His plan, but He wanted ME to seek Him in return
• I had to recognize a need (my life/heart was empty) I was filling my life with everything BUT Christ.  I wanted Steve to be my Christ, make me happy, fulfill my needs (noone can do that!! What pressure I was placing on Steve!!! He wasn't the one that needed to change it was me!!  I was not making room for CHRIST on my platform of life.  I was conformed to this way of the world placing value on (Steve, my kids, my stuff)  I was living under the authority of Lisa. Living a life full of bondage and there are consequences if we do not live the way God desires.  (I thought I could get away with it)  I didn't even think or know I was sick!!!
• I was not seeking Him (that is the key part to salvation I believe, when we finally seek Him in return)
• I was living a life full of self-sufficiency thinking that I could do all things, relying on my strength and not that of God's (duh....I think He is way more powerful!!!) don't limit His power!!
• If we are not seeking Him we are FORSAKING Him
• Christ sees my heart, knows my heart, and wants to have a relationship with me.  Sometimes I wonder why!!!  I am so undeserving!!!
• I need to tend to my heart and maintain it daily by praying and staying in His word, Seeking His face daily in all I do.  I AM JUST IN NEED TODAY AS I WAS THEN!!!  I don't deserve anything, I deserved death.  We all do!  Makes me think of that song by Casting crowns "who am I? That the Lord of all the earth, would choose to know my name!  Not because of who I am but because of what HES done!!"  oh I love that song!!!
• Transformation needs to start with me.  It will then spread into all I have and do.  I want others to see Christ through my life and how I live.  In response to a life of thanksgiving and praise!
• I don't want to give God the left overs in my life.  I owe Him soooo much and give Him so little!! I want to allow Christ to blow my mind away again.  I don't want to contain Him in my little box and make Him small.  He can speak and it happens, why do I limit Him!!!
• I need to remind myself daily that I am in need today.  I need Christ, He forgave me for sooo much, He saved me in sooo many ways.  I need to live a life for Him.
• Pray, seek, read, and like a great friend of mine said "don't make it a checklist and a thing of pressure!!!"  I am making it tooooo hard b/c I feel like I owe Him so much.  But when your doing laundry, taking the kids to school, in the car, SING!  That too can be a song of prayer and also one of thanksgiving!  Hold His hand that is ALL HE WANTS US TO DO!!!! 
• My book "finding your missing PEACE" this is what its all about.  Finding Christ, finding that missing piece in your life that you are trying to fix with all the wrong things!  Until you make that piece Christ, you will NOT have peace!!!!"

Revival, it all begins with me, and it has begun in this stubborn old heart and IT WILL CONTINUE ON!!!!  That my friends, is a true Joy that can only be found in Christ our Lord!!!!

Have you Ever?

Today for some reason, I woke up grieving that I can't have any more kids....I wonder why today?  I try to tell myself to be thankful to the Lord for the 2 amazing beautiful blessing that He gave me, but then I start feeling sorry for myself and my heart longs to know why it (my disease) had to happen to me...I would love to have more.  Maybe its b/c I had to work yesterday and with school starting the kids were in bed and sleeping before I made it home.  This makes my heart so heavy b/c I go a whole day without seeing them!!!  So I just sit on the side of the bed and just stare at their beautiful little faces, so peaceful, so precious, and I pray over them, thanking God for them and praying for His grace and wisdom to fill their little hearts for a life for Him.  Parenting isn't about Me, its about God, and the Lord knows I need all the grace and wisdom to do it well for Him. 

Maybe it is is because Lukester goes to school this week.  My little buddy that I LOVE to have home with me, that I can't stand to be away from, hardly ever are unless its work, I will now be alone.  Some of you might think I am crazy and enjoy the time alone, but I don't, I know I will adjust, but its just different.  My kids are what I invest my time in, and I love being there for them.  I often think about quitting my job just so that I can be there for them all the time, so I can take them to school every day, pick em up, wait for em by the bus stop and see their smiling faces....It is a God given role and responsibity to be #1 a mate for Steve and his helper #2 to raise my children #3 to take care of the home.  I never want one of those areas to suffer because of a job.  If you fill it with too much of one thing, something else will suffer, I don't want it to be my family.

Then I have been thinking about the word: assumptions/judgement/ and just plain old differences.  We are all different, all have different upbringing, all have had different situations, paths, interactions....you name it.  Assumption: An assumption is something we take for granted or presuppose. Usually it is something we previously learned and do not question. It is part of our system of beliefs. We assume our beliefs to be true and use them to interpret the world about us.  There are a variety of possible meanings to the situations around us, but yet MANY think that their way is right.  For example, am I “relaxing” or “wasting time, who decides what wasting time is?” Am I being “determined” or “stubborn?” Am I “joining” a conversation or “butting in?” Is someone “laughing with me” or “laughing at me?” Am I “helping a friend” or “being taken advantage of?” Every time we interpret our actions and the actions of others we do so on the basis of our assumptions. Humans make hundreds of assumptions without knowing it---without thinking about it.  We don't take the time to think outside ourselves!!!!  Trust me, I am not saying that I am not guilty of making assumptions or passing judgement onto others wrongly, I have.  But I try my best, with the Lords help, to look at others as a "whole", dig alittle deeper into their personality before assuming the way they are, just by outward appearance.  Trust me, when I have done that in the past, I have missed opportunity to meet and make friends with some amazing people I am sure!

For example: Have you ever rolled your eyes at a mother of 1 or 2?  Maybe even 3 or 4 depending on how many You have?  It amazes me to hear the things that people "say" verbally or non, when they ask "how many kids do YOU have?" if its any less than they have, you can sometimes see the eyes rolling b/c YOU have it so much easier than they do.  What about the great old saying "you have the perfect family, one of each or two of each..."  I would love to say, "Oh because if the Lord gave me 2 or 4 of the same our family would be seen as less in His eyes?"  Please....What if that mother wants more and can't have em, have you ever thought about that?   Or have you ever rolled your eyes at the woman for ordering a salad and eating healthy b/c it is important to them or b/c they have diabetes, while you think its all about being skinny and because you don't order that way?  So since when is ordering a salad a bad thing?  You could too, and if you had diabetes you would be forced to eat differently.  What about thinking someone is so perfect and secretly hating them or wishing that something bad would happen to them.  Believe me, I KNOW their are people out there that are this way b/c they have told me!  No one is perfect.  We all have our problems, you have no idea what goes on in their lives or what they have been through.  Have you ever talked bad about someone else or purposely tried to be "less nice" to them just b/c they have it better than you do, at least that is what you think?  Is this what Christ would do? Who's standards are you comparing it too?

I am sorry but lately I just think the world is losing it.  It is getting further and further away from the Lord and people are selfish, the world revolves around them only, they are rude, mean, and all for reasons that are usually ridiculous.  Grow up.  Get God in your life people!  Sometimes I don't know how people survive out there when they seem soooo stressed out!  Life is hard.  Nowhere will you ever see it written that life is going to be easy.  I absolutely LOVED this bookmark that my mom just gave me, it says,

 "If you want rainbows, you have to have rain.  In a perfect world everything would go right and life would be filled with sweet warm and fuzzy feelings. But how would we know if things are good if we had no comparison?  Without the darkness would we appreciate the light?  Seem to me if we want rainbows, we have to have rain, the trick is, to look for the good in every situation so go and find some puddles and play in the rain!"in Order to have rainbows, you must first have rain.  If you don't experience bad times how would you know when things are really good?  As Christians, lets jump in the puddles together.

If life went exactly the way YOU wanted it too, would you really need to depend and know God?  This world would be even worse, I can't imagine my life any other way, God planned it, Not me, Thank the LORD!!!!

Your life is completely different than mine, and yours from mine, but it is the path that God has lead each of us on.  Why be mad about it?  Do you think that is going to help the problem?  Why keep wishing your life was this way or that way....Be where you are today.  Thats where God wants you to be, and what are you going to do with it?  Thats enough for today..... :)

I encourage you to live a life of BROKENNESS

I came home from work the other night to find Karlie and Luke all covered in band aids and blue marker.  They had been playing "Doctor" and they each had big cuts with stitches on their belly's.  Karlie said to me, "Now I am just like you mom!" She was so proud.  It brought tears to my eyes b/c she loves me regardless of my ugly stomach and bruises, but I had to reflect on what I had gone through and I said "oh Karlie, mommy hopes and prays that you NEVER have to experience what mom went through and that you never get sick like me!"

Later that night I was having quiet time and thought about God's faithfulness to me, and how he brought struggles, trials and pain into my life and it caused me to break, mentally, spiritually and physically.  I was crushed to pieces and spent a long time in anguish over my sickness but now I look back and I have to say that it was the BEST and WORST thing that has ever happened to me.  The Lord broke me and saved my life both physically and spiritually.  He transformed my heart into one that actively seeks to do His will, to live my life for HIM, not me and He has lead me to a life of tremendous blessing's and Joy.  I am not good at explaining but its like my eyes have been opened and now I have this new knowledge that I just want to scream and tell it to everyone I know and meet b/c until you get "it/Him" you don't know what true joy and life can be!!  There is sooo much more!

Then I pondered....Would I want my kids to go through what I have?  In my heart and as a mother I have to honestly say no that it would kill me to watch, but if they received the blessings in the end and it transformed their hearts and lives into a life with Christ, I would have to say "ok Lord, you are in control, you know what it is going to take to bring them to you".  WOW.....That would be soooooo hard!!!  As parents all we want is the best for our kids, to have it "better" than we did, to be pain free and free from trials and suffering but God causes all of that for His ultimate purpose, not for our understanding!  We can't protect them from it all or they won't come to realize and depend on the Lord in all times.  I would cry with them and my heart would be heavy but I would only keep praying that they could see that through it all would come joy and peace.  God can do amazing and wondrous things with a broken heart but he MUST get ALL the pieces.  Would they surrender them to Him?

I was a lost sheep, NOT listening to the shepherds voice when I heard it.  I was the rebellious child running from my Father.  I look at my life before my disease struck and I was living a life chuck full of sin and down right evil....I didn't think I was, I was soooo blind to my own sin and prideful heart thinking that I had everything in control and this is just the way life is.... and maybe you can relate to some of these: self-righteous, self sufficient and independent thinking that I can do things when I want to, I can fix things, I am in control, I don't need help from anyone, I am fine, Steve needs to make me happy and if he doesn't I will show him, I can make him change if he doesn't, He's the one that needs to change NOT ME,  my kids need to make me happy, a bigger house will make me happy, money would make me happy, never admitting I was ever wrong or getting defensive and blaming others if I was, I was pre-occupied with SELF.  THEN God decided and thank the LORD HE did, "you think you can handle life on your own Lisa?" You think you don't need me in your life? That you can continue living a checklist (to-do's) and look like a christian without being one in your heart?"  We will see about that..... Life is about God, not about Lisa. I didn't choose Brokenness, GOD did it to me.  Maybe I suffered longer and harder b/c of that, but it happened and I thank God that it did.  Do you believe you are chosen by God?  I did, but that is where it ended, I continued to live life freely as I choose, but I was not free to choose my consequences of continuing to live a life that way.

He broke my pride and humbled my heart.  My will was broken, I gave up the reigns and gave them to God so that HE could lead me. He showed me that I am NOT in control, I canNOT do things on my own and that I only need the Lord in my life, HE is what makes me happy!  NOTHING ELSE will do!!!  I could have NEVER made it through what I have been through without the Lord, I didn't have the strength to keep fighting, to live, HE helped give it to me.  I reached a breaking point and threw up my hands to God pleading for Him to take my life, to HELP me, to be with me and hold my hand.  I told Him that I cannot do this life alone without HIM.  I never asked for help from anyone, and now was my time to lower my pride and humble myself and tell others, I need you.  I needed my husband, I needed my parents, sisters, and friends. 

Today I am continually humbled by the mere fact that God would actually care enough and love me so much to save me from my wretched state.  He could have left me, He could have allowed me to continue living life in darkness and judge me on the last day of my earthly life....What would I have done for Him?  I feel completely indebted to God, not for just being my physical healer but for being my spiritual one, for WHO HE IS!  He opened my eyes and I feel like I have gained spiritual blessings!!!  I cannot tell you enough how joyful life has become how amazing life is now, and how much BETTER it is!!!  I am afraid that I will start living life in the routine of things, and forget about where I have been and how far I have come in Christ....What if I am blind to sin again?  What if my passion and desire for God in my life fades?  I will and cannot allow that to happen.  I have seen His hand, I have witnessed His power, and His work in so many areas in which I cannot deny.  I have to actively and intentionally live a life each and everyday for Him.  For me, that is starting the day, my very first breathe with Him, I cannot make it on my own without first starting it with Him.  If the uglies come out and I lash out for no apparent reason, then I need to stop, get on my knees and evaluate my heart and ask the Lord to reveal what uglies I need to get rid of.

Am I saying that I deserve a good old pat on the back? That I will never suffer again or have trials and struggles in my life, marriage and with my children, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! God isn't who He is to fix our problems and make life easy?  I don't deserve anything.  I didn't do a thing, God did.  I only choose to  take His hand and stepped out of myself and clung to Him instead.  I know life is hard.  I know we all continue to live in sin and that we have daily struggles, no one is perfect, but I want to daily choose a life of humbness and not one of pride. I want God to be enough, to be all I need everyday. The root of all sin and struggles can come back to pride.  I am not here to judge you or analyze your life.  You are responsible for your own life and choices.  Wake up to the TRUTH, don't wait for tomorrow, tomorrow may be too late!  Why not experience all the blessings and Joy found in the only one, CHRIST.  The Truth found in Christ will set you FREE!!!

2012 Summer fun

my newest swimmer!

Camping @ Conference grounds

Camping @ Holland

Millineum Park

2 blessings and so much more!

I want you to become a "SONFLOWER" today!

I attended a different church one morning and heard the most amazing sermon and learned some new facts since then in my further search for more knowledge and wisdom that I just HAVE to share!!!  I walked out of the church with profound new information and had to come home to learn some more.  Since then I have taken on a new found LOVE for sunflowers, only mine is now called a SONflower and I will be reminded of it daily b/c guess what I just happen to have tattooed on my back shoulder? A sunflower!!!!  Hey, maybe/obviously God chose me way back then and I didn't even realize it!  I sure wasn't thinking of Him unfortunately when I got the tattoos but now that I have Him in my life, I may just have to turn it into a SONflower. :)

Heliotropism.  Do you know what that means? I didn't.  It is a flowers ability to point its head towards the sun at all times.  A sunflower will use its own motor cells during the daylight hours to rotate its head 180 degrees.  It is ALWAYS facing the sun.

How about You?  Are you always facing the Son?  Christ is our sun and we must keep our eyes on Him in each and every situation.  Each day is a new beginning.

Did you know that the sunflower, although resembling one huge flower, is actually made up of hundreds of tiny flowers?  This is like us in the church of Christ.  We are ONE body but many members and like the sunflower, we must keep our eyes on God.  The sunflower will follow the sun each and every day of its life, but on its last day it will reset itself towards the sun (the East) it will bloom and it will die in that position, facing the east.  As Christians we are buried facing the east b/c when Christ returns He will come from the East.

Sunflowers are grown and enjoyed by many.  They are beautiful b/c they resemble the sun.  Do you resemble Christ?  Some of the most beautiful people I know are not just physically beautiful but they are even more beautiful b/c of their heart, their desire to know and have a relationship with Christ, you can see Him in them!  Many people enjoy the sunflower by their seeds. Some are plain seeds, some are roasted, salted, eaten alone or in a dish.   How about you?  Do others enjoy being around you?  We all have our different personalities but it is time to embrace them and use them.  Are you a plain seed?  Thats ok too, God can use you if you allow Him too! Are you actively trying to plant the seeds of faith in other peoples lives and telling them the great news that He loves us and wants us to live our lives for Him and with Him, He is waiting to pour out His grace on us, saving us from eternal death giving us the most amazing peace, something that we could never do on our own nor do we deserve but because of Christ we will and can!!!  The possibilities are endless, go out and plant yourself.  Keep your eyes focused on Him, spread your seeds to others, and let GOD do the rest. 

I will NEVER look at a sunflower the same way again.  I have started to place them everywhere in my life.  They have always been my favorite flower and now they are even MORE!!!!  What a great reminder to keep my eyes on Christ.  He is all that matters!  Next time you see a sunflower, remind yourself to keep your eyes focused on what really matters!

Be a SONflower today!!!

Don't blink....
They won't be this age for long!!! :(

SECRET MILLIONARE

Last night we watched the show "secret Millionaire"...I do not watch very much television, but once in awhile, I feel like I better spend some time with my husband on the couch :) I don't mind watching that show because the episodes all carry the same theme and that is: Money does NOT bring happiness and these millionaires set out on this journey thinking THEY are going to help out all these people in need (donating their money)and in turn THEY are the ones that probably take away the most from the whole experience b/c they realize how shallow they are and so far from reality with life and that their "stuff" really doesn't matter.

It brought me back to the happiest time in my whole life. Life in the farm house of 2011. Yes, it is true, I LOVED that place! It was the year we sold our 1st home and moved into a cute little rental. The house is very old and sits on 40 acres. We had the bottom half and a single lady lived upstairs. It was ONE, repeat, ONE bedroom and one bathroom and maybe 600sq feet? (needless to say, it was small for a family of 4). But I LOVED every minute of it. It was peace. It was homey and sooo cute!! It was a place where bonds and memories were made. We lived in close quarters and shared rooms, mom and dad slept on the sunroom/porch and Karlie and Luke shared the only bedroom, filled with 2 beds, and 2 dressers, but we were completely content. We had everything that we needed.

Don't get me wrong, I love my new home and it is definitely the place the Lord has intended for us to live for a very long time without a doubt, but with ANY and EVERY new home comes needing and wanting "more stuff". The yard isn't finished, the landscaping was overgrown after 8 years of abandonment and now is completely gone, Steve would like to build another garage (we have no room to put all our stuff!!! our new rider lawnmower, the dirtbikes, the toys, the bikes, tools, yard equipment, trailer...) the deck needs to be replaced as it is warping and weathered, the porch needs some updating, wouldn't it be nice to have a pool, hottub....MORE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want anymore stuff!! The bigger the home, the more stuff you need, the more stuff you want and the more stressed you get b/c it all costs more money and it feels like a never ending cycle. Your work is NEVER done! When we rented that cute little farm house, it cost us a whole $400/mo with all utilities. We had nothing to worry about, no yardwork, no landscaping to do, limited rooms for decoration and accumulated stuff. I am amazed at how stupid this whole cycle really is and how many people ruin their lives for it. What really matters in their life? They Want and "HAVE TO HAVE" the bigger house, the new cars, the clothes, the "in" stuff and technology, so they can have the bigger toys, more stuff, then they have to work more hours or pick up another job, or cut here and there, stress out because the ends are NOT being met and bills are piling high, the more stress causes you to become a person of discontentment, discontentment brings about envy, jealousy, and evil, which brings Satan exactly where he wants to be!!! All for pursuing the "great life" to impress people that really don't care about you!!! Haaa!!! I am sure that if you make it to the glorious day of meeting the Lord He will really care about what house you lived in and all your "stuff" .

Again I am not saying there is anything wrong with a nice house, nice stuff, but check your heart and check your motive....Whats steering you?
I love being in our home and I love being in the woods with quietness...Peacefullness. I must admit though that I sometimes wish I could go back to my little farm house. I don't need this house, all the room, all the stuff, all the more work, all the more things to buy and finish....I just want to stay and do nothing. Can I? I am going to try my best to take it to the Lord and be content in all that I have...Is this the place we will stay forever? Only the good Lord knows that answer...I may just have to sell everything one day and move!

A true friend LOVES as ALL times

Before I even begin writing about the subject of friends, I want to say that I love ALL my friends that are in my life today with all my heart, more than most of them know, and I would do anything for any of them, friends which include my family...I struggle with my friendships and it is a subject that I find very difficult. This is a reminder for myself and a spiritual growth that I am working on....I am NOT here pointing fingers, I am FAR from perfect and have to constantly humble myself and stay on my knees, but merely asking for each of us to look deep at our hearts and ask ourselves..."Am I a Christ like, friend, do I look at others the way that God would?" God starts to prune your life and your friends when you surrender your heart to Him.... It doesn't take long in anyones life, at a very young age we all learn quickly that friends can be great or they can hurt... Lately I have had the topic of "friends" weighing on my heart. I know, we all know that some friends move, some relationships change, interests lead us apart, and things just happen over the years that make different people come and go into our lives. I have had many great and wonderful friendships, and I have had very painful ones, hurtful things said, done, and I have grieved them, things said or done by a friend or family are forever engraved in your heart and are the hardest to forgive...I still have people that I struggle with forgiving and I know its wrong, but the pain and hurt was just so bad that its hard, the friends I thought that cared and loved me, obviously didn't or don't, and that hurts!!! I believe God brings each and everyone of them into our lives for a purpose and its sometimes hard to figure out what that exactly is. Do we keep the friendship going even when we don't want too? Are they leading us to grow in our faith with the Lord, or bringing us down? Do I WANT to be with them b/c they make me feel better or do they make me feel worse about myself and have the wrong motives in their hearts. Ask yourself these questions: Have you let a friendship disolve or break apart because of 1.ENVY 2.JEALOUSY 3.GREED 4.SHE'S PRETTIER 5.SHE'S SMARTER 6.SHE'S SKINNIER 7.SHE HAS A BOY/GIRL AND I DON'T 8.HER FAMILY IS PERFECT 9.SHE HAS A BIGGER HOUSE THAN ME 10.SHE DRIVES A NICER CAR 11.SHE'S SO CREATIVE 12.SHE ALWAYS LOOKS CUTE AND PERFECT 13.SHE HAS THE PERFECT JOB 14.HER HUSBAND TREATS HER SO GOOD 15. THEY ALWAYS GET THIS OR THAT........... honestly, you get my point, this list could go on and on and on!! Have you? Have you kept your distance and allowed a friendship to break apart and weaken b/c of yourself? These are sins and issues that only each of us can deal with on our own but I am here to tell you, surprise!!! NO one is PERFECT. Everyone has their flaws, mistakes, maybe you took what they said or did the wrong way, you have no idea what people have gone through emotionally, physically, what they are dealing with in their hearts, and just b/c they have something that you want or don't have....Makes them a bad person? JUDGEMENTAL!!!! Friends and family can cause us grief and hardship, lead us to sin more, they can constantly disappoint us OR they can be positive, uplifting, forgiving, honest, true and real, console and comfort, correct, guide and challenge, and withhold us to our promises to each other and our faith in the Lord, help us grow, and love us unconditionally. THAT IS THE KIND OF FRIEND I WANT!!!! Friends that are 100% true, themselves, honest, will challenge me to be a better person, and if I said something or do something that is wrong will come to me and TELL ME!!!!!! Don't just treat me like junk so that I have no idea what is going on or what I did wrong. How can I be the friend I long to be if you are not willing to do the same to me? "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you" Do you take that serious when you are teaching it to your kids and model it, and show it to others yourself? Or is that one command in the bible that you can bend to fit your needs.... "Hate the sin and not the sinner" one of my favorite quotes. If something makes you mad, or something happens that you didn't like or took the wrong way, if they have something you don't, if they don't agree with you, are you going to hold it against them and treat them badly b/c of it and Not fully Love or open your heart to them b/c you kinda spite them... Do you have your "friends" only when they are convenient or a benefit to you? Flatter them with fake appreciation and affection b/c at the time they have something going for them that you want a part of, but as soon as you get what it was you wanted, you desert them? Do you critisize "joke or mock" or make fun of their good qualities/personality/body/kids because deep down your actually really jealous and wish you had them qualities yourself? Are you critical and look at everyone elses flaws and Do you secretly wish that something bad would happen to them or that they would get fat, get ugly, go broke, something so that you could feel better? I am sorry but this makes me sick....B/c so many can be this way!!! You might be laughing but its true, I have seen and heard it all!!! God made them, God had planned their qualities and made them who they are, you think they can help it? I honestly think that the skinny and the prettiest girls probably have it the hardest b/c others treat them bad because of it! Ok, I know there are some girls that purposely starve themselves and go on any and every diet possible b/c that is what they feel is the most important, are arrogant and hold their nose alittle too high in the air, but really, how sad is that? Again, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with a diet, I think we all need em from time to time and thats fine!!! Its when it becomes your obsession and its all you think about that is an issue. Are you a positive thinker or negative? Do you have a downer attitude b/c life hasn't treated YOU fair or your life isn't as good as you think it should be? Wooo is me, b/c you don't have this or that, if only you had her hair, if only you would lose 10 pds, get a bigger house, a new car...THEN you would be happy!!! really? This kind of thinking only makes me depressed and rubs off on me making me feel worse and quite frankly, I don't like it at all. I am NOT for self-pitying....If you want to change or are jealous, DO SOMETHING about it!!! Its not going to make any thing better to sulk. Chose your friends very wisely, says the Lord. At the age of 35 I find that friendships are hard to start b/c of all the corruption in peoples hearts, they are hard to keep, and its hard to make yourself vulnerable and open if you have been hurt in the past... Remember, its not the Number of friends, its the quality of friends that matters the most to me. If you don't have quality friends or one, PRAY!!! Its amazing how God opens the doors or closes them and you know when its not right. Maybe it takes YOU putting forth the first step, getting out of your comfort zone, putting in the effort to start, but they can happen if we allow them too and allow God to place them! I am ready for God to prune away....Open doors or close them. God knows what is best and right now I am praying hard that I remember that and try not to make it all happen on my own!! He sure knows I fail miserably when I try, and the friends that I think I need or want, may not be the best for me....He always has a better plan and for that, all I can do is Trust in Him.

My Greatest Blessings!!!

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!

This week brings with it alot of emotions...Fear, grieving, sadness, joy, hope, celebration.

The one year anniversary of the day I went into Henry Ford hospital, April 11, 2011 to get my new lifeline, my artificial bypass in my belly. So much has changed I really don't even know where to start. The biggest blessing has been what God has done for me through it all. I have new life, and a new life with Him and for that I owe all the glory, honor and praise.

Today of all things I came across a journal, one that I took with me to the hospital (thinking I would be awake and have so much time to write, ya right!). I remember waiting for my name to be called to go into surgery and quickly writing down a note...This is what it said:


10:30 am- "I sit here staring around at all the other people sitting in the waiting room, its rather full of people, almost every seat is full, people from all over, and colored black, white and brown. I wonder why they are here...What path they have traveled to land them here and how long have they been suffering. How many of us will live and if we do for how long? I am getting scared as it is all about to happen....I felt so brave up until now, I want to run, hide, pretend this is a dream, I feel like I am in a daze.

If I die, please take good care of my kids and protect them forever. Steve, continue on and find a good Christian Godly woman to take care of you and the kids as if they were her own. Tell my kids that I love them more than anything else on this earth. You are my everything and I know the Lord will bless you, guide you as your grow into beautiful adults with a heart for the Lord. Keep me in your hearts always and remember, if I could, I would be there holding your hands every step of the way, on your graduations, wedding days, and when you have the joy of holding your first born.

Karlie- your beautiful, and so much JOY, a perfect name for you (PJ's with feetie, blankie with the special corner on it that you rub and snuggle with each night, your roller blades, smile, kind heart, and your love for life!) all memories that I always think about when thinking of you.

Luke- your silly and funny! Always making mom laugh. ALL BOY!!! (trucks, motorcycles, the color orange like dads KTM, and your facial expressions) ALL putting a smile on moms face. NO ONE but GOD knows why mom got this way and unfortunately I have been sick for most of your life and I am so sorry.

I love you guys and can't wait to be with you again.
Mom"

Memories of that day have been shoved WAY back in my brain. When I think about it, I feel like I did die that day b/c so much of me did. I am a better person now. Every now and then the pain comes back (mentally) and it is more than I can bare and I start sobbing unable to control my fears from the memories. I didn't know if I would survive, and I had to be honest, I could easily die in this extensive 4+ hr surgery where every organ and vessels would be exposed. Steve told me about being left in the waiting room after 6 hours, the last one left in the room. Where is his wife? The desk told him that the doctor was on the phone....What was he going to say? I was finished but not coming out of it well. I remember now, waking up just finished with the surgery and the pain was more than I could bare, I was whispering "HELP ME" my guts felt like I was ripped open and I grabbed a nurses hand begging her to help me...with a faint voice, I couldn't even barely talk. I remember thinking "Lord, please let me die!" I wanted to go. They had given me more meds than most 250pd patients and couldn't give me anymore, they didn't understand how I could still be awake and I can remember it vividly, the pain!! I believe that is the first time I pleaded with God to take my life and end the misery. That week I stayed I went to hell and I have NO DOUBT that if the Lord wasn't there with me, I could have never survived b/c I wanted to die. He gave me a strength I never knew I had and little by little I was making it, I survived and came out alive 8 days later....

I recovered for months and now its all a memory that I keep, visiting once in awhile, NEVER to be forgotten, you can never go thru something like that and ever come out the same, nor forget. My belly is still bruised and my incision large, I have injected my stomach over 2000 times since it all began in 2009 with a drug that keeps me alive, but could also be what kills me, will that be how it all ends? Not that I want to stay in this world forever b/c trust me, its not a fun place to be, but I get to be the mom to my kids! I get to be the wife to my husband! THAT is why I say "each day is a blessing" b/c I get the blessing to be both each day that I am here and find a new way each day to give God the glory for it.

I grieve my pregnancies and why they had to be so hard, I would love to be able to have another child!! To hold one more baby of my own. I miss running, kickboxing, being a crazy fit girl :) b/c I felt so empowered, strong, and close to the Lord when I did, amazed at the body he had given me. I sometimes go back to the doubting and self-pity game I will admit...Why? Why did I have to suffer so much with so many aspects in my life already? Why not someone else when I look at how "bad" they are in my own mind. Why was I so alone? Did God do this to punish me? Was I really that evil that He had to put me through 20+ hospitalizations and procedures, nothing ever seemed to go right?

I still cry. I still have my sad days.... Then I start hollering at myself and say Lisa, get over it, it happened, GOD KNEW you could make it, He KNEW you would, He was with you the WHOLE time, HE was the ONLY one holding your hand every step of the way, He KNEW this would make you stronger, and HE ULTIMATELY HAD A PLAN, TRUST IN HIM WITH ALL YOUR HEART MIND AND SOUL!!!!!! Quit listening to the bad ideas that satan is placing in your head and believe in YOU, through God's amazing faithfulness. You came out a winner b/c now you have and know HIM b/c of it all!! Isn't that enough????

YUP. I want to live Gods will for my life, not mine. I want to stand firm in the promises of God. Great is His faithfulness. He could have let me go. BUT HE saved me! I will trust in GOD for the rest of my days. For that I rejoice! He is now my everything and I am so much happier b/c of it all!! We never know when our last day will be, but I am going to try my hardest with the Lords help to give Him the glory, to find ways to show others HIS amazing love, He too suffered more than anyone could ever imagine and He did it for us, so that we could LIVE!!

HAVING FUN IN WINTER 2012

Luke playing dress up with the girls. Too cute! Cousins!!

KARLIE 6, holding chipper and charlies 6 eggs, none ever hatched :(

LUKE 4, playing in the woods and sliding outside in our winter wonderland!

FINDING YOUR MISSING "PEACE"

Yes, believe it or not, I have decided to start writing my book. Its all about finding your missing "peace" and will have puzzle pieces on the front. What is your missing piece? Have you placed it in other things that in the end doesn't give you the peace you were hoping? I know I have.... We will see. I am not the greatest at this writing thing, but it is something that has been weighing on my heart and when I feel like that, I often believe that the Lord is placing it there. God speaks to me and I am trying harder to listen to Him and His voice and direction.

So, my last blog entry was liked by many, except for one person...My mom. Maybe there are many more that didn't like it either and that's ok. Yes, I swore, sorry mom. Don't we all have little pet peeves? Its a license plate. No it doesn't irritate me to the point that I let it bother my life, no I don't complain about trivial little things often, but its funny. We all have em. Its a weird quirk about me....

Yes it sounded harsh, but in reality doesn't the word of God and His truth sting us all sometimes? I wasn't speaking harsh to any of those reading it, this whole blog thing is for me. It started when I got sick and it has given me a release of feelings, reflection, and if anything, a legacy to leave on to my children so that they can see how good God was when mom was sick and when she wasn't, when they were little and how good He always is and will be if we only would see it that way and depend on Him.

The words here are for me, and if you gain something from them as well, great! If not, then I am sorry. Its a reflection for me who GOD is and what he has done for me and my need for dependence on Him. The words were His weighing on my heart at that time not for me to be condemning you. If I think about my life in reflection to what He has done for me it does hurt. B/c I fail him miserably in my dependence on Him and it is my prayer to learn from those failures, repent and profit from them. It has happened and it will happen again BUT the Lord has given me new life and new hope and truth that He is shaping me into who He wants me to be.

I am here to show that He is teaching me and broke me, and I don't know what that is like for you, I can only give you my witness and testimony of what it took me. I often think of the alcoholic or drug abuser, anyone struggling with a great addiction...You pray and pray for them to break free from it, You try to break them yourself taking things into your own hands and we don't see the results we want. ONLY the Lord knows what their breaking point is. Only HE knew what it took me to change my heart, my life and truly see HIM. Only He knows what it is going to take to turn your life to a life with Him. Its different for every single person. Would I want you to go through what He sent me through if I had the choice? NO, b/c it was horrible and the worst thing I could ever imagine but obviously the Lord had His hand in it the whole time b/c HE knew what would happen in the end. That I would look back and see His hand in it all. Sometimes it takes trials like that to have it happen. I don't wish it on my worst enemy and sometimes I have to say "really Lord, it had to be THAT bad for me to listen?" I don't think it did but who am I to say? Whats it going to take to break them, or you? I don't know but God does.

I know that I was trying to handle this life on my own. I can do it. Yes, I am a stubborn, strong-willed, type-A, I can do anything attitude type of person and I have fought it all my life but the Lord has shown me and broken me to wake me up and say "Lisa, YOU CAN'T!!" and trust me, I now KNOW I CANT!! He has shown me that I need to depend on Him. When I try to do it my way and say Yes before asking Him, I fail miserably. When God has told me no, or not yet, or I am sorry to put you through something like this, when I have listened...I have never been disappointed with the outcome. I am a work in progress...He has shown me that I cannot live in this world without Him, I am not strong enough to live in this world and do all I am supposed to do and be without Him! For that breaking of me, no matter how terrible it was, I am forever grateful b/c I now know, I can do all things but only with Him.

With that being said I give you the words of a favorite song of mine. Music moves me and the Lord speaks to me loudly through it. In a way its like the bible to me. You can read the same scripture over and over, all your life and wonder what it really means or not have it speak to you....until you are in the situation they are speaking about and then its words speak volumes!! It might not be applicable to you at the time, but you never know when you cross the path in life that it will become a vital lifeline for you.

"STRONG ENOUGH" by Matthew West

You Must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me if I'm wrong but this looks like more than I can do, on my own.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough...
Hand of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be, Strong enough, Strong enough for the BOTH of us!
Well maybe, maybe that's the point. To reach the point of giving up.
Cause when I'm finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be (wife,mother,friend,sister,daughter,employee,caretaker,giver,forgiver,...must the list go on?)
I give up, I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough, strong enough...
Cause I'm broken, down to nothing, But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and You are strong, When I am weak,
I can do all things through Christ who give me strength And I don't HAVE TO BE STRONG ENOUGH!!!
Strong enough, oh ya, I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up,
I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough for the both of us!

OUR LOVEBIRDS- CHIPPER AND CHARLIE

Hopefully we will have babies anyday!! We are all excited over here with the new little additions in the "love box"....oh brother, I can't believe I am turning into "the bird lady". They are sooo cute though!!!

REFLECTION ON LIFE

For the past few weeks, being that it is a new year, I do alot of reflecting and analyzing, my life. For some, they may look back and say "oh I wish I did this or I wish I did that, or if this would happen I would be this, I wonder what my life would have been like if...." Ya, I know, MANY think their life would be so much better than it is today right?

I look back and think of my early childhood and I LOVED it. Then I went to Jr.High and things started changing, girls were mean, and I don't have to tell you any names b/c if they are reading this today they know who they are. They purposely had it out to get me, make me look bad, trip me, push me, lie about me, get others to hate me...You name it. Girls are mean, Im sure boys are too. Never did change. To be honest, it still hasn't. Those girls grow up to be women/mothers just like I did and some of them never change. Women can be just as evil! But I have to be honest with you and I really don't want to go back, I don't want to change things b/c those things that happened, the guys I dated and ran away from :), the friendships I had, the things I did (bad and good), schools I went too, made me who I am today. I am in the best place I have ever been and I am confident that this year will be the best year of my life in many ways it already has....I know who I am and that is all that matters. I'm not going to let someone else determine that, if they try, go ahead, I know where I stand and no one can take that away from me and with that I can do anything!

There are few things that I CANNOT tolerate in life... hypocrites, woo is me attitude, half full thinking, negativity and beautiful cars with rusty license plates! For petes sake people!! If you can afford a decent car, buy yourself a nice plate that doesn't make it look like shit!! :)

I cannot stand people that complain...Nothing in life is good enough, they don't make enough money, they don't have a ____, they cant take expensive trips, they've never been here or there, success in the eyes of others, they don't have a _____, they don't have a nice enough house, they cant do this or that, they can't send their kids to christian school b/c they have to spend it on other important things. Their fat, ugly, their kids drive them crazy (whos kids don't at one point or other?) and life is so much better when I can have my time, my space, my my my my!!!! uggggghhhhh!!!! What really kills me is those people that think you have to live in a certian neighborhood, drive a certian car or truck, and hang out with the "cool" people....What makes them so cool? Go ahead you can hang out with those "cool" people and I could care less....Thanks to my dad for giving me this attitude in life. I would love to invite them over to my house and spend some real time with them talking about how hard they think their life is, and I am by NO means saying that life isn't hard and that some of the things you are going through ARE very hard,frustrating and disapointing, Its all very real to you, I am not here on this earth to judge you b/c trust me, I will also be judged someday. Better yet, why don't they come to work with me and spend a day holding the hand of someone that is knocking on deaths door filled with cancer, poison filling their body ready to take their last breath. Lets go talk to the Bunnings, Meyer's, or the Henry's about how bad your life is, while they spend every moment fighting for their childs life. Or the widow that just lost their husband, the father of young children instantly killed, the parents of a child that took their own life b/c of the very bullying that happens to sooo many of us and believe there is no other way out!!

You all know them, negative thinkers. Do they make you happy to be around? Not me. Oh sure, I am not saying that I NEVER complain, I do, there are many days I would love to be a man and sit on my hinny doing nothing but watching tv (reading or crafting for me) after my "work day" is done (ooops did I say that? :) There are many things that I don't have and would love to have but I just don't see how complaining or talking about it is going to change the situation and its just a fact of life, you can't always have what you want, is it really going to make my life that much better, no so who cares. I know its hard to live in America where people don't think only of themselves and not in some way get affected by it. Americans think they know what everyone else needs and if YOU don't have it, then your not good enough. Man was Pastor Don on fire this week and it was AWESOME!!!!


Then theres church....filled with perfect people right? Many sure do act like it. I know many of them there for reasons again that come back to one word, SELF. It makes them look better, lets see who's watching or looking at me, lets act like the perfect married happy couple that we want everyone to think we are. Lets get active and get involved so others will notice ME. Lets advertise ourselves so that others will come to my company and give their money to us....This is a difficult struggle for me right now because I don't have to tell you, You know when people have "it" and when they don't. You can SEE it, FEEL it, and you KNOW. Instead of acknowledging our sins and weaknesses and being humble about how sinful we truly are, you need to hold it all together perfectly, heavin forbid if people saw the REAL you. Who is the real you? There are many that I thought I knew, but it didn't take long before I began to wonder if I ever really did. If your not on their "level" they will let you know it.....

What is life? No life is a waste and everyone has a meaning and a purpose. What is yours? Still trying to figure that out? I was too until the Lord hit me on the side of the head and told me to wake up and smell the roses b/c life is over before you know it. We are here to honor and serve the Lord, not ourselves. He gave us this life, He made us, He made YOU and your kids unique and perfect in HIS eyes. Yes being a mother is Hard work and if you are looking for a pat on the back saying "good job ____ your working so hard and your such a good mother and your kids are so good, you must be sooo tired...." so that you can feel good about yourself it may never happen!!! Life is hard, NOONE said it is easy but suck it up!!!! SELF gratification, if that is what your true motive is and why you wake up each morning you are missing the BIG picture. YOU ARE! I hate to break it to you. Get in the word not the world. Quit looking at what everyone else has and how much better they look than you do according to YOUR head and YOUR thinking. Your going to go with the worlds philosophy about all the things this world makes you "think" you have to have....No wonder your so stressed out all the time and feel bad when your constantly comparing yourself to everyone else! In the end WHO IS GOING TO CARE!!!!


Pastor Don's summary "when we love and serve the Lord it is impossible to waste even a moment of the precious thing called= LIFE"

THE YEAR OF 2011

What a year it has been! Its hard to believe that it is going to be 2012...actually it is as I write. wow I am getting old! When I think about this past year it brings many different emotions. Feelings of relief. Feelings of sadness (means the kids are getting older too!). Feelings of gratitude. It doesn't even seem real to me when I think of what this year has been, where I have been, what has happened, feels like I am in a dream when I think about it really.....Maybe b/c it was all such a blur...

2011 A YEAR OF TRIALS AND A YEAR OF BLESSINGS!!!

February- Hospitalized for 5 days with my first internal bleed from my esophagus veins growing in my throat. My disease has come back to life with avengence, new clots and bleeding mean it is time to take another step forward in a different direction. something else must be done, but what? Lost 3 units of blood and received my first blood transfusion. Scary! Full of fear. Alone. Allergic reaction to my blood transfusion lands me in the ICU, I almost died. Dr's are confused and don't know what to tell me or where I need to go. They can't help me here. Doesn't anyone care??? Please don't leave me alone to die! If you don't know what to do how am I?

March- got an offer on our house and sold it. Timing= Horrible. But like I said to Steve "We have to take a leap of faith and put our trust in God that He WILL help us through this, we need to let it go". Have to be out by the end of the month. Church and family help us pack and move. Help us find a rental home. Steve and I go to U of M, Cleveland clinic, and Detroit in search of answers, hope, someone that may know what I need to do to save my life. 3 different opinions. Now We must choose.

April- bypass surgery done at Detroit hospital. Artificial Splenorenal shunt placed in my abdomen cut entirely open during a 5 hour surgery. 8 days in the hospital again far away from my kids and family. collapsed lungs, pain and suffering. Why on earth is this happening to ME? What have I done Lord to deserve this road I have been driving for the past 2 years of my life.....Horrible experience.

May-June- recovery. slow. Not able to take care of my own children. living in an adorable rental farm house on 20 acres of peacefulness and serenity. Gaining strength back, thanking the Lord that I am alive...I have made it so far. There were many days that I wanted Him to take me home. I didn't think I had what it took to make it. Loneliness and pain, suffering, fear, doubt....all sink in.

July- bought new home. Time to start anew!! Moving time again. Feeling good and blessed to have my family and friends that love me so much to help me through this far.

August- smash and break my finger, wedding ring cut off due to bloodthinners and complications. Followed by camping and enjoying time alone with my kids, the Lord, filled with gratitude. Luke breaks his arm and has to have his in a cast for 6 weeks. Poor buddy.

Sept-December- settling in to our new home and loving it! Surrounded with family and friends. Karlies in Kindergarten all day and everyday, changing leaps and bounds before my eyes. I wonder if she will ever know how much her momma loves her? That I want to protect her, guide her, and for her to live life to the fullest with a relationship with the Lord! Instead she just rolls her eyes at me and already gives me the shoulder :( Lukes moms little buddy, usually sick with allergies, asthma and bronchitis. Visit to Detroit to see surgeon for 8 month followup. He brings tears and joy. I have come sooo far when we compare to prior CT's when I was really sick. My bypass is OPEN and working well. BUT vessels are enlarging, liver is growing, not as much blood is going thru liver as anticipated, lifelong injections of bloodthinner make me scared....We must wait and see.....Will it stay open? Will bloodthinners cause a catastrophe again of bleeding out, what if we can't stop it? What if its in my brain? I see too much Lisa at work....Put your faith and trust in God. My life is in His hands and only He knows the answers to this all. Live each day as if it were my last. Enjoy my kids and loved ones to the fullest. Spend every day with the Lord and serving Him. My goal. My will. It will be done.

Thank you Lord for my life. Forgive me when I complain about its lumps and bumps :) For blessing me with my friends and family that have been with me through this year, for being there to help with my children when I couldn't be. For giving me the strength I needed to go on, for telling me To fight and keep trying when I have felt like giving up. For holding my hand when I was scared and alone, lying in hospital beds, visiting dr's, and fighting for my life. Thank you for providing us with Dr. Aboujould and providing him with the knowledge, wisdom and skill to see the whole picture and what was needed to fix Lisa, not just another patient. For guiding his hands during the surgery and for allowing all to go well so far. Thank you for our church, the prayers, meals, cards, flowers, the Veltemas and their generous hearts allowing us use of their storage units and their adorable farm house that we could call home while I was recovering and healing while searching for our next home. Thank you for leading us to our new home, it is perfect for us! It is so beautiful and we are so happy there! It will be filled with so many wonderful memories for years and years to come. Thank you for loving me and for sacrificing your life for mine. I pray that I live my life each day to the fullest for you and bring glory to your name for all the goodness, love and mercy you have given. Please help my little light shine to everyone around so they may see the Love I have for you and teach me how to show them the love you have for them so that they may know you too! Thank you for drawing me closer to you through this all. You have blessed me in more ways than I deserve and I am forever grateful for all that you have done. Please, continue to hold my hand in the time that lies ahead however long that may be..... May I always lean on the promises that you have proven to me to be so true. I will Trust in you with all of my heart, and when I am taken home, I know that I will be with you.