I want you to become a "SONFLOWER" today!

I attended a different church one morning and heard the most amazing sermon and learned some new facts since then in my further search for more knowledge and wisdom that I just HAVE to share!!!  I walked out of the church with profound new information and had to come home to learn some more.  Since then I have taken on a new found LOVE for sunflowers, only mine is now called a SONflower and I will be reminded of it daily b/c guess what I just happen to have tattooed on my back shoulder? A sunflower!!!!  Hey, maybe/obviously God chose me way back then and I didn't even realize it!  I sure wasn't thinking of Him unfortunately when I got the tattoos but now that I have Him in my life, I may just have to turn it into a SONflower. :)

Heliotropism.  Do you know what that means? I didn't.  It is a flowers ability to point its head towards the sun at all times.  A sunflower will use its own motor cells during the daylight hours to rotate its head 180 degrees.  It is ALWAYS facing the sun.

How about You?  Are you always facing the Son?  Christ is our sun and we must keep our eyes on Him in each and every situation.  Each day is a new beginning.

Did you know that the sunflower, although resembling one huge flower, is actually made up of hundreds of tiny flowers?  This is like us in the church of Christ.  We are ONE body but many members and like the sunflower, we must keep our eyes on God.  The sunflower will follow the sun each and every day of its life, but on its last day it will reset itself towards the sun (the East) it will bloom and it will die in that position, facing the east.  As Christians we are buried facing the east b/c when Christ returns He will come from the East.

Sunflowers are grown and enjoyed by many.  They are beautiful b/c they resemble the sun.  Do you resemble Christ?  Some of the most beautiful people I know are not just physically beautiful but they are even more beautiful b/c of their heart, their desire to know and have a relationship with Christ, you can see Him in them!  Many people enjoy the sunflower by their seeds. Some are plain seeds, some are roasted, salted, eaten alone or in a dish.   How about you?  Do others enjoy being around you?  We all have our different personalities but it is time to embrace them and use them.  Are you a plain seed?  Thats ok too, God can use you if you allow Him too! Are you actively trying to plant the seeds of faith in other peoples lives and telling them the great news that He loves us and wants us to live our lives for Him and with Him, He is waiting to pour out His grace on us, saving us from eternal death giving us the most amazing peace, something that we could never do on our own nor do we deserve but because of Christ we will and can!!!  The possibilities are endless, go out and plant yourself.  Keep your eyes focused on Him, spread your seeds to others, and let GOD do the rest. 

I will NEVER look at a sunflower the same way again.  I have started to place them everywhere in my life.  They have always been my favorite flower and now they are even MORE!!!!  What a great reminder to keep my eyes on Christ.  He is all that matters!  Next time you see a sunflower, remind yourself to keep your eyes focused on what really matters!

Be a SONflower today!!!

Don't blink....
They won't be this age for long!!! :(

SECRET MILLIONARE

Last night we watched the show "secret Millionaire"...I do not watch very much television, but once in awhile, I feel like I better spend some time with my husband on the couch :) I don't mind watching that show because the episodes all carry the same theme and that is: Money does NOT bring happiness and these millionaires set out on this journey thinking THEY are going to help out all these people in need (donating their money)and in turn THEY are the ones that probably take away the most from the whole experience b/c they realize how shallow they are and so far from reality with life and that their "stuff" really doesn't matter.

It brought me back to the happiest time in my whole life. Life in the farm house of 2011. Yes, it is true, I LOVED that place! It was the year we sold our 1st home and moved into a cute little rental. The house is very old and sits on 40 acres. We had the bottom half and a single lady lived upstairs. It was ONE, repeat, ONE bedroom and one bathroom and maybe 600sq feet? (needless to say, it was small for a family of 4). But I LOVED every minute of it. It was peace. It was homey and sooo cute!! It was a place where bonds and memories were made. We lived in close quarters and shared rooms, mom and dad slept on the sunroom/porch and Karlie and Luke shared the only bedroom, filled with 2 beds, and 2 dressers, but we were completely content. We had everything that we needed.

Don't get me wrong, I love my new home and it is definitely the place the Lord has intended for us to live for a very long time without a doubt, but with ANY and EVERY new home comes needing and wanting "more stuff". The yard isn't finished, the landscaping was overgrown after 8 years of abandonment and now is completely gone, Steve would like to build another garage (we have no room to put all our stuff!!! our new rider lawnmower, the dirtbikes, the toys, the bikes, tools, yard equipment, trailer...) the deck needs to be replaced as it is warping and weathered, the porch needs some updating, wouldn't it be nice to have a pool, hottub....MORE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want anymore stuff!! The bigger the home, the more stuff you need, the more stuff you want and the more stressed you get b/c it all costs more money and it feels like a never ending cycle. Your work is NEVER done! When we rented that cute little farm house, it cost us a whole $400/mo with all utilities. We had nothing to worry about, no yardwork, no landscaping to do, limited rooms for decoration and accumulated stuff. I am amazed at how stupid this whole cycle really is and how many people ruin their lives for it. What really matters in their life? They Want and "HAVE TO HAVE" the bigger house, the new cars, the clothes, the "in" stuff and technology, so they can have the bigger toys, more stuff, then they have to work more hours or pick up another job, or cut here and there, stress out because the ends are NOT being met and bills are piling high, the more stress causes you to become a person of discontentment, discontentment brings about envy, jealousy, and evil, which brings Satan exactly where he wants to be!!! All for pursuing the "great life" to impress people that really don't care about you!!! Haaa!!! I am sure that if you make it to the glorious day of meeting the Lord He will really care about what house you lived in and all your "stuff" .

Again I am not saying there is anything wrong with a nice house, nice stuff, but check your heart and check your motive....Whats steering you?
I love being in our home and I love being in the woods with quietness...Peacefullness. I must admit though that I sometimes wish I could go back to my little farm house. I don't need this house, all the room, all the stuff, all the more work, all the more things to buy and finish....I just want to stay and do nothing. Can I? I am going to try my best to take it to the Lord and be content in all that I have...Is this the place we will stay forever? Only the good Lord knows that answer...I may just have to sell everything one day and move!

A true friend LOVES as ALL times

Before I even begin writing about the subject of friends, I want to say that I love ALL my friends that are in my life today with all my heart, more than most of them know, and I would do anything for any of them, friends which include my family...I struggle with my friendships and it is a subject that I find very difficult. This is a reminder for myself and a spiritual growth that I am working on....I am NOT here pointing fingers, I am FAR from perfect and have to constantly humble myself and stay on my knees, but merely asking for each of us to look deep at our hearts and ask ourselves..."Am I a Christ like, friend, do I look at others the way that God would?" God starts to prune your life and your friends when you surrender your heart to Him.... It doesn't take long in anyones life, at a very young age we all learn quickly that friends can be great or they can hurt... Lately I have had the topic of "friends" weighing on my heart. I know, we all know that some friends move, some relationships change, interests lead us apart, and things just happen over the years that make different people come and go into our lives. I have had many great and wonderful friendships, and I have had very painful ones, hurtful things said, done, and I have grieved them, things said or done by a friend or family are forever engraved in your heart and are the hardest to forgive...I still have people that I struggle with forgiving and I know its wrong, but the pain and hurt was just so bad that its hard, the friends I thought that cared and loved me, obviously didn't or don't, and that hurts!!! I believe God brings each and everyone of them into our lives for a purpose and its sometimes hard to figure out what that exactly is. Do we keep the friendship going even when we don't want too? Are they leading us to grow in our faith with the Lord, or bringing us down? Do I WANT to be with them b/c they make me feel better or do they make me feel worse about myself and have the wrong motives in their hearts. Ask yourself these questions: Have you let a friendship disolve or break apart because of 1.ENVY 2.JEALOUSY 3.GREED 4.SHE'S PRETTIER 5.SHE'S SMARTER 6.SHE'S SKINNIER 7.SHE HAS A BOY/GIRL AND I DON'T 8.HER FAMILY IS PERFECT 9.SHE HAS A BIGGER HOUSE THAN ME 10.SHE DRIVES A NICER CAR 11.SHE'S SO CREATIVE 12.SHE ALWAYS LOOKS CUTE AND PERFECT 13.SHE HAS THE PERFECT JOB 14.HER HUSBAND TREATS HER SO GOOD 15. THEY ALWAYS GET THIS OR THAT........... honestly, you get my point, this list could go on and on and on!! Have you? Have you kept your distance and allowed a friendship to break apart and weaken b/c of yourself? These are sins and issues that only each of us can deal with on our own but I am here to tell you, surprise!!! NO one is PERFECT. Everyone has their flaws, mistakes, maybe you took what they said or did the wrong way, you have no idea what people have gone through emotionally, physically, what they are dealing with in their hearts, and just b/c they have something that you want or don't have....Makes them a bad person? JUDGEMENTAL!!!! Friends and family can cause us grief and hardship, lead us to sin more, they can constantly disappoint us OR they can be positive, uplifting, forgiving, honest, true and real, console and comfort, correct, guide and challenge, and withhold us to our promises to each other and our faith in the Lord, help us grow, and love us unconditionally. THAT IS THE KIND OF FRIEND I WANT!!!! Friends that are 100% true, themselves, honest, will challenge me to be a better person, and if I said something or do something that is wrong will come to me and TELL ME!!!!!! Don't just treat me like junk so that I have no idea what is going on or what I did wrong. How can I be the friend I long to be if you are not willing to do the same to me? "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you" Do you take that serious when you are teaching it to your kids and model it, and show it to others yourself? Or is that one command in the bible that you can bend to fit your needs.... "Hate the sin and not the sinner" one of my favorite quotes. If something makes you mad, or something happens that you didn't like or took the wrong way, if they have something you don't, if they don't agree with you, are you going to hold it against them and treat them badly b/c of it and Not fully Love or open your heart to them b/c you kinda spite them... Do you have your "friends" only when they are convenient or a benefit to you? Flatter them with fake appreciation and affection b/c at the time they have something going for them that you want a part of, but as soon as you get what it was you wanted, you desert them? Do you critisize "joke or mock" or make fun of their good qualities/personality/body/kids because deep down your actually really jealous and wish you had them qualities yourself? Are you critical and look at everyone elses flaws and Do you secretly wish that something bad would happen to them or that they would get fat, get ugly, go broke, something so that you could feel better? I am sorry but this makes me sick....B/c so many can be this way!!! You might be laughing but its true, I have seen and heard it all!!! God made them, God had planned their qualities and made them who they are, you think they can help it? I honestly think that the skinny and the prettiest girls probably have it the hardest b/c others treat them bad because of it! Ok, I know there are some girls that purposely starve themselves and go on any and every diet possible b/c that is what they feel is the most important, are arrogant and hold their nose alittle too high in the air, but really, how sad is that? Again, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with a diet, I think we all need em from time to time and thats fine!!! Its when it becomes your obsession and its all you think about that is an issue. Are you a positive thinker or negative? Do you have a downer attitude b/c life hasn't treated YOU fair or your life isn't as good as you think it should be? Wooo is me, b/c you don't have this or that, if only you had her hair, if only you would lose 10 pds, get a bigger house, a new car...THEN you would be happy!!! really? This kind of thinking only makes me depressed and rubs off on me making me feel worse and quite frankly, I don't like it at all. I am NOT for self-pitying....If you want to change or are jealous, DO SOMETHING about it!!! Its not going to make any thing better to sulk. Chose your friends very wisely, says the Lord. At the age of 35 I find that friendships are hard to start b/c of all the corruption in peoples hearts, they are hard to keep, and its hard to make yourself vulnerable and open if you have been hurt in the past... Remember, its not the Number of friends, its the quality of friends that matters the most to me. If you don't have quality friends or one, PRAY!!! Its amazing how God opens the doors or closes them and you know when its not right. Maybe it takes YOU putting forth the first step, getting out of your comfort zone, putting in the effort to start, but they can happen if we allow them too and allow God to place them! I am ready for God to prune away....Open doors or close them. God knows what is best and right now I am praying hard that I remember that and try not to make it all happen on my own!! He sure knows I fail miserably when I try, and the friends that I think I need or want, may not be the best for me....He always has a better plan and for that, all I can do is Trust in Him.

My Greatest Blessings!!!

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!

This week brings with it alot of emotions...Fear, grieving, sadness, joy, hope, celebration.

The one year anniversary of the day I went into Henry Ford hospital, April 11, 2011 to get my new lifeline, my artificial bypass in my belly. So much has changed I really don't even know where to start. The biggest blessing has been what God has done for me through it all. I have new life, and a new life with Him and for that I owe all the glory, honor and praise.

Today of all things I came across a journal, one that I took with me to the hospital (thinking I would be awake and have so much time to write, ya right!). I remember waiting for my name to be called to go into surgery and quickly writing down a note...This is what it said:


10:30 am- "I sit here staring around at all the other people sitting in the waiting room, its rather full of people, almost every seat is full, people from all over, and colored black, white and brown. I wonder why they are here...What path they have traveled to land them here and how long have they been suffering. How many of us will live and if we do for how long? I am getting scared as it is all about to happen....I felt so brave up until now, I want to run, hide, pretend this is a dream, I feel like I am in a daze.

If I die, please take good care of my kids and protect them forever. Steve, continue on and find a good Christian Godly woman to take care of you and the kids as if they were her own. Tell my kids that I love them more than anything else on this earth. You are my everything and I know the Lord will bless you, guide you as your grow into beautiful adults with a heart for the Lord. Keep me in your hearts always and remember, if I could, I would be there holding your hands every step of the way, on your graduations, wedding days, and when you have the joy of holding your first born.

Karlie- your beautiful, and so much JOY, a perfect name for you (PJ's with feetie, blankie with the special corner on it that you rub and snuggle with each night, your roller blades, smile, kind heart, and your love for life!) all memories that I always think about when thinking of you.

Luke- your silly and funny! Always making mom laugh. ALL BOY!!! (trucks, motorcycles, the color orange like dads KTM, and your facial expressions) ALL putting a smile on moms face. NO ONE but GOD knows why mom got this way and unfortunately I have been sick for most of your life and I am so sorry.

I love you guys and can't wait to be with you again.
Mom"

Memories of that day have been shoved WAY back in my brain. When I think about it, I feel like I did die that day b/c so much of me did. I am a better person now. Every now and then the pain comes back (mentally) and it is more than I can bare and I start sobbing unable to control my fears from the memories. I didn't know if I would survive, and I had to be honest, I could easily die in this extensive 4+ hr surgery where every organ and vessels would be exposed. Steve told me about being left in the waiting room after 6 hours, the last one left in the room. Where is his wife? The desk told him that the doctor was on the phone....What was he going to say? I was finished but not coming out of it well. I remember now, waking up just finished with the surgery and the pain was more than I could bare, I was whispering "HELP ME" my guts felt like I was ripped open and I grabbed a nurses hand begging her to help me...with a faint voice, I couldn't even barely talk. I remember thinking "Lord, please let me die!" I wanted to go. They had given me more meds than most 250pd patients and couldn't give me anymore, they didn't understand how I could still be awake and I can remember it vividly, the pain!! I believe that is the first time I pleaded with God to take my life and end the misery. That week I stayed I went to hell and I have NO DOUBT that if the Lord wasn't there with me, I could have never survived b/c I wanted to die. He gave me a strength I never knew I had and little by little I was making it, I survived and came out alive 8 days later....

I recovered for months and now its all a memory that I keep, visiting once in awhile, NEVER to be forgotten, you can never go thru something like that and ever come out the same, nor forget. My belly is still bruised and my incision large, I have injected my stomach over 2000 times since it all began in 2009 with a drug that keeps me alive, but could also be what kills me, will that be how it all ends? Not that I want to stay in this world forever b/c trust me, its not a fun place to be, but I get to be the mom to my kids! I get to be the wife to my husband! THAT is why I say "each day is a blessing" b/c I get the blessing to be both each day that I am here and find a new way each day to give God the glory for it.

I grieve my pregnancies and why they had to be so hard, I would love to be able to have another child!! To hold one more baby of my own. I miss running, kickboxing, being a crazy fit girl :) b/c I felt so empowered, strong, and close to the Lord when I did, amazed at the body he had given me. I sometimes go back to the doubting and self-pity game I will admit...Why? Why did I have to suffer so much with so many aspects in my life already? Why not someone else when I look at how "bad" they are in my own mind. Why was I so alone? Did God do this to punish me? Was I really that evil that He had to put me through 20+ hospitalizations and procedures, nothing ever seemed to go right?

I still cry. I still have my sad days.... Then I start hollering at myself and say Lisa, get over it, it happened, GOD KNEW you could make it, He KNEW you would, He was with you the WHOLE time, HE was the ONLY one holding your hand every step of the way, He KNEW this would make you stronger, and HE ULTIMATELY HAD A PLAN, TRUST IN HIM WITH ALL YOUR HEART MIND AND SOUL!!!!!! Quit listening to the bad ideas that satan is placing in your head and believe in YOU, through God's amazing faithfulness. You came out a winner b/c now you have and know HIM b/c of it all!! Isn't that enough????

YUP. I want to live Gods will for my life, not mine. I want to stand firm in the promises of God. Great is His faithfulness. He could have let me go. BUT HE saved me! I will trust in GOD for the rest of my days. For that I rejoice! He is now my everything and I am so much happier b/c of it all!! We never know when our last day will be, but I am going to try my hardest with the Lords help to give Him the glory, to find ways to show others HIS amazing love, He too suffered more than anyone could ever imagine and He did it for us, so that we could LIVE!!

HAVING FUN IN WINTER 2012

Luke playing dress up with the girls. Too cute! Cousins!!

KARLIE 6, holding chipper and charlies 6 eggs, none ever hatched :(

LUKE 4, playing in the woods and sliding outside in our winter wonderland!

FINDING YOUR MISSING "PEACE"

Yes, believe it or not, I have decided to start writing my book. Its all about finding your missing "peace" and will have puzzle pieces on the front. What is your missing piece? Have you placed it in other things that in the end doesn't give you the peace you were hoping? I know I have.... We will see. I am not the greatest at this writing thing, but it is something that has been weighing on my heart and when I feel like that, I often believe that the Lord is placing it there. God speaks to me and I am trying harder to listen to Him and His voice and direction.

So, my last blog entry was liked by many, except for one person...My mom. Maybe there are many more that didn't like it either and that's ok. Yes, I swore, sorry mom. Don't we all have little pet peeves? Its a license plate. No it doesn't irritate me to the point that I let it bother my life, no I don't complain about trivial little things often, but its funny. We all have em. Its a weird quirk about me....

Yes it sounded harsh, but in reality doesn't the word of God and His truth sting us all sometimes? I wasn't speaking harsh to any of those reading it, this whole blog thing is for me. It started when I got sick and it has given me a release of feelings, reflection, and if anything, a legacy to leave on to my children so that they can see how good God was when mom was sick and when she wasn't, when they were little and how good He always is and will be if we only would see it that way and depend on Him.

The words here are for me, and if you gain something from them as well, great! If not, then I am sorry. Its a reflection for me who GOD is and what he has done for me and my need for dependence on Him. The words were His weighing on my heart at that time not for me to be condemning you. If I think about my life in reflection to what He has done for me it does hurt. B/c I fail him miserably in my dependence on Him and it is my prayer to learn from those failures, repent and profit from them. It has happened and it will happen again BUT the Lord has given me new life and new hope and truth that He is shaping me into who He wants me to be.

I am here to show that He is teaching me and broke me, and I don't know what that is like for you, I can only give you my witness and testimony of what it took me. I often think of the alcoholic or drug abuser, anyone struggling with a great addiction...You pray and pray for them to break free from it, You try to break them yourself taking things into your own hands and we don't see the results we want. ONLY the Lord knows what their breaking point is. Only HE knew what it took me to change my heart, my life and truly see HIM. Only He knows what it is going to take to turn your life to a life with Him. Its different for every single person. Would I want you to go through what He sent me through if I had the choice? NO, b/c it was horrible and the worst thing I could ever imagine but obviously the Lord had His hand in it the whole time b/c HE knew what would happen in the end. That I would look back and see His hand in it all. Sometimes it takes trials like that to have it happen. I don't wish it on my worst enemy and sometimes I have to say "really Lord, it had to be THAT bad for me to listen?" I don't think it did but who am I to say? Whats it going to take to break them, or you? I don't know but God does.

I know that I was trying to handle this life on my own. I can do it. Yes, I am a stubborn, strong-willed, type-A, I can do anything attitude type of person and I have fought it all my life but the Lord has shown me and broken me to wake me up and say "Lisa, YOU CAN'T!!" and trust me, I now KNOW I CANT!! He has shown me that I need to depend on Him. When I try to do it my way and say Yes before asking Him, I fail miserably. When God has told me no, or not yet, or I am sorry to put you through something like this, when I have listened...I have never been disappointed with the outcome. I am a work in progress...He has shown me that I cannot live in this world without Him, I am not strong enough to live in this world and do all I am supposed to do and be without Him! For that breaking of me, no matter how terrible it was, I am forever grateful b/c I now know, I can do all things but only with Him.

With that being said I give you the words of a favorite song of mine. Music moves me and the Lord speaks to me loudly through it. In a way its like the bible to me. You can read the same scripture over and over, all your life and wonder what it really means or not have it speak to you....until you are in the situation they are speaking about and then its words speak volumes!! It might not be applicable to you at the time, but you never know when you cross the path in life that it will become a vital lifeline for you.

"STRONG ENOUGH" by Matthew West

You Must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me if I'm wrong but this looks like more than I can do, on my own.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough...
Hand of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be, Strong enough, Strong enough for the BOTH of us!
Well maybe, maybe that's the point. To reach the point of giving up.
Cause when I'm finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be (wife,mother,friend,sister,daughter,employee,caretaker,giver,forgiver,...must the list go on?)
I give up, I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough, strong enough...
Cause I'm broken, down to nothing, But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and You are strong, When I am weak,
I can do all things through Christ who give me strength And I don't HAVE TO BE STRONG ENOUGH!!!
Strong enough, oh ya, I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up,
I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough for the both of us!

OUR LOVEBIRDS- CHIPPER AND CHARLIE

Hopefully we will have babies anyday!! We are all excited over here with the new little additions in the "love box"....oh brother, I can't believe I am turning into "the bird lady". They are sooo cute though!!!

REFLECTION ON LIFE

For the past few weeks, being that it is a new year, I do alot of reflecting and analyzing, my life. For some, they may look back and say "oh I wish I did this or I wish I did that, or if this would happen I would be this, I wonder what my life would have been like if...." Ya, I know, MANY think their life would be so much better than it is today right?

I look back and think of my early childhood and I LOVED it. Then I went to Jr.High and things started changing, girls were mean, and I don't have to tell you any names b/c if they are reading this today they know who they are. They purposely had it out to get me, make me look bad, trip me, push me, lie about me, get others to hate me...You name it. Girls are mean, Im sure boys are too. Never did change. To be honest, it still hasn't. Those girls grow up to be women/mothers just like I did and some of them never change. Women can be just as evil! But I have to be honest with you and I really don't want to go back, I don't want to change things b/c those things that happened, the guys I dated and ran away from :), the friendships I had, the things I did (bad and good), schools I went too, made me who I am today. I am in the best place I have ever been and I am confident that this year will be the best year of my life in many ways it already has....I know who I am and that is all that matters. I'm not going to let someone else determine that, if they try, go ahead, I know where I stand and no one can take that away from me and with that I can do anything!

There are few things that I CANNOT tolerate in life... hypocrites, woo is me attitude, half full thinking, negativity and beautiful cars with rusty license plates! For petes sake people!! If you can afford a decent car, buy yourself a nice plate that doesn't make it look like shit!! :)

I cannot stand people that complain...Nothing in life is good enough, they don't make enough money, they don't have a ____, they cant take expensive trips, they've never been here or there, success in the eyes of others, they don't have a _____, they don't have a nice enough house, they cant do this or that, they can't send their kids to christian school b/c they have to spend it on other important things. Their fat, ugly, their kids drive them crazy (whos kids don't at one point or other?) and life is so much better when I can have my time, my space, my my my my!!!! uggggghhhhh!!!! What really kills me is those people that think you have to live in a certian neighborhood, drive a certian car or truck, and hang out with the "cool" people....What makes them so cool? Go ahead you can hang out with those "cool" people and I could care less....Thanks to my dad for giving me this attitude in life. I would love to invite them over to my house and spend some real time with them talking about how hard they think their life is, and I am by NO means saying that life isn't hard and that some of the things you are going through ARE very hard,frustrating and disapointing, Its all very real to you, I am not here on this earth to judge you b/c trust me, I will also be judged someday. Better yet, why don't they come to work with me and spend a day holding the hand of someone that is knocking on deaths door filled with cancer, poison filling their body ready to take their last breath. Lets go talk to the Bunnings, Meyer's, or the Henry's about how bad your life is, while they spend every moment fighting for their childs life. Or the widow that just lost their husband, the father of young children instantly killed, the parents of a child that took their own life b/c of the very bullying that happens to sooo many of us and believe there is no other way out!!

You all know them, negative thinkers. Do they make you happy to be around? Not me. Oh sure, I am not saying that I NEVER complain, I do, there are many days I would love to be a man and sit on my hinny doing nothing but watching tv (reading or crafting for me) after my "work day" is done (ooops did I say that? :) There are many things that I don't have and would love to have but I just don't see how complaining or talking about it is going to change the situation and its just a fact of life, you can't always have what you want, is it really going to make my life that much better, no so who cares. I know its hard to live in America where people don't think only of themselves and not in some way get affected by it. Americans think they know what everyone else needs and if YOU don't have it, then your not good enough. Man was Pastor Don on fire this week and it was AWESOME!!!!


Then theres church....filled with perfect people right? Many sure do act like it. I know many of them there for reasons again that come back to one word, SELF. It makes them look better, lets see who's watching or looking at me, lets act like the perfect married happy couple that we want everyone to think we are. Lets get active and get involved so others will notice ME. Lets advertise ourselves so that others will come to my company and give their money to us....This is a difficult struggle for me right now because I don't have to tell you, You know when people have "it" and when they don't. You can SEE it, FEEL it, and you KNOW. Instead of acknowledging our sins and weaknesses and being humble about how sinful we truly are, you need to hold it all together perfectly, heavin forbid if people saw the REAL you. Who is the real you? There are many that I thought I knew, but it didn't take long before I began to wonder if I ever really did. If your not on their "level" they will let you know it.....

What is life? No life is a waste and everyone has a meaning and a purpose. What is yours? Still trying to figure that out? I was too until the Lord hit me on the side of the head and told me to wake up and smell the roses b/c life is over before you know it. We are here to honor and serve the Lord, not ourselves. He gave us this life, He made us, He made YOU and your kids unique and perfect in HIS eyes. Yes being a mother is Hard work and if you are looking for a pat on the back saying "good job ____ your working so hard and your such a good mother and your kids are so good, you must be sooo tired...." so that you can feel good about yourself it may never happen!!! Life is hard, NOONE said it is easy but suck it up!!!! SELF gratification, if that is what your true motive is and why you wake up each morning you are missing the BIG picture. YOU ARE! I hate to break it to you. Get in the word not the world. Quit looking at what everyone else has and how much better they look than you do according to YOUR head and YOUR thinking. Your going to go with the worlds philosophy about all the things this world makes you "think" you have to have....No wonder your so stressed out all the time and feel bad when your constantly comparing yourself to everyone else! In the end WHO IS GOING TO CARE!!!!


Pastor Don's summary "when we love and serve the Lord it is impossible to waste even a moment of the precious thing called= LIFE"

THE YEAR OF 2011

What a year it has been! Its hard to believe that it is going to be 2012...actually it is as I write. wow I am getting old! When I think about this past year it brings many different emotions. Feelings of relief. Feelings of sadness (means the kids are getting older too!). Feelings of gratitude. It doesn't even seem real to me when I think of what this year has been, where I have been, what has happened, feels like I am in a dream when I think about it really.....Maybe b/c it was all such a blur...

2011 A YEAR OF TRIALS AND A YEAR OF BLESSINGS!!!

February- Hospitalized for 5 days with my first internal bleed from my esophagus veins growing in my throat. My disease has come back to life with avengence, new clots and bleeding mean it is time to take another step forward in a different direction. something else must be done, but what? Lost 3 units of blood and received my first blood transfusion. Scary! Full of fear. Alone. Allergic reaction to my blood transfusion lands me in the ICU, I almost died. Dr's are confused and don't know what to tell me or where I need to go. They can't help me here. Doesn't anyone care??? Please don't leave me alone to die! If you don't know what to do how am I?

March- got an offer on our house and sold it. Timing= Horrible. But like I said to Steve "We have to take a leap of faith and put our trust in God that He WILL help us through this, we need to let it go". Have to be out by the end of the month. Church and family help us pack and move. Help us find a rental home. Steve and I go to U of M, Cleveland clinic, and Detroit in search of answers, hope, someone that may know what I need to do to save my life. 3 different opinions. Now We must choose.

April- bypass surgery done at Detroit hospital. Artificial Splenorenal shunt placed in my abdomen cut entirely open during a 5 hour surgery. 8 days in the hospital again far away from my kids and family. collapsed lungs, pain and suffering. Why on earth is this happening to ME? What have I done Lord to deserve this road I have been driving for the past 2 years of my life.....Horrible experience.

May-June- recovery. slow. Not able to take care of my own children. living in an adorable rental farm house on 20 acres of peacefulness and serenity. Gaining strength back, thanking the Lord that I am alive...I have made it so far. There were many days that I wanted Him to take me home. I didn't think I had what it took to make it. Loneliness and pain, suffering, fear, doubt....all sink in.

July- bought new home. Time to start anew!! Moving time again. Feeling good and blessed to have my family and friends that love me so much to help me through this far.

August- smash and break my finger, wedding ring cut off due to bloodthinners and complications. Followed by camping and enjoying time alone with my kids, the Lord, filled with gratitude. Luke breaks his arm and has to have his in a cast for 6 weeks. Poor buddy.

Sept-December- settling in to our new home and loving it! Surrounded with family and friends. Karlies in Kindergarten all day and everyday, changing leaps and bounds before my eyes. I wonder if she will ever know how much her momma loves her? That I want to protect her, guide her, and for her to live life to the fullest with a relationship with the Lord! Instead she just rolls her eyes at me and already gives me the shoulder :( Lukes moms little buddy, usually sick with allergies, asthma and bronchitis. Visit to Detroit to see surgeon for 8 month followup. He brings tears and joy. I have come sooo far when we compare to prior CT's when I was really sick. My bypass is OPEN and working well. BUT vessels are enlarging, liver is growing, not as much blood is going thru liver as anticipated, lifelong injections of bloodthinner make me scared....We must wait and see.....Will it stay open? Will bloodthinners cause a catastrophe again of bleeding out, what if we can't stop it? What if its in my brain? I see too much Lisa at work....Put your faith and trust in God. My life is in His hands and only He knows the answers to this all. Live each day as if it were my last. Enjoy my kids and loved ones to the fullest. Spend every day with the Lord and serving Him. My goal. My will. It will be done.

Thank you Lord for my life. Forgive me when I complain about its lumps and bumps :) For blessing me with my friends and family that have been with me through this year, for being there to help with my children when I couldn't be. For giving me the strength I needed to go on, for telling me To fight and keep trying when I have felt like giving up. For holding my hand when I was scared and alone, lying in hospital beds, visiting dr's, and fighting for my life. Thank you for providing us with Dr. Aboujould and providing him with the knowledge, wisdom and skill to see the whole picture and what was needed to fix Lisa, not just another patient. For guiding his hands during the surgery and for allowing all to go well so far. Thank you for our church, the prayers, meals, cards, flowers, the Veltemas and their generous hearts allowing us use of their storage units and their adorable farm house that we could call home while I was recovering and healing while searching for our next home. Thank you for leading us to our new home, it is perfect for us! It is so beautiful and we are so happy there! It will be filled with so many wonderful memories for years and years to come. Thank you for loving me and for sacrificing your life for mine. I pray that I live my life each day to the fullest for you and bring glory to your name for all the goodness, love and mercy you have given. Please help my little light shine to everyone around so they may see the Love I have for you and teach me how to show them the love you have for them so that they may know you too! Thank you for drawing me closer to you through this all. You have blessed me in more ways than I deserve and I am forever grateful for all that you have done. Please, continue to hold my hand in the time that lies ahead however long that may be..... May I always lean on the promises that you have proven to me to be so true. I will Trust in you with all of my heart, and when I am taken home, I know that I will be with you.

6 MONTHS OF LIFE GIVEN

I FORGOT TO LOOK HOW LONG ITS BEEN SINCE I WROTE LAST, BUT I MISS IT! ITS BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE APRIL 11,2011 THE DAY THAT CHANGED MY LIFE. A LIFE WITH LIVING WITH A SPLENO-RENAL SHUNT A FAKE TUBE PLACED IN MY BODY TO BALANCE THE INTERNAL BLOOD PRESSURE SYSTEMS THAT WERE BACKED UP AND NOT WITHHOLDING THE PRESSURE. 6 MONTHS OF NEW LIFE RULES 1. DRINKING A 2LITER OF WATER A DAY (TO KEEP BLOOD THIN AND FLOWING, IM NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS!!!!) 2. GIVING MYSELF 2 INJECTIONS OF BLOOD THINNER A DAY (BEEN DOING THIS FOR 2 YEARS SO NOTHING MAJOR HERE) 3. NEVER ALLOWING MYSELF TO GET OUT OF THE HEART RATE ZONE OF 140.....THIS HAS BEEN HARD!!!

3 WEEKS AGO I RETURNED TO THE GYM. I WAS A RUNNER MADE FOR TIME AND SPEED, RUNNING FOR THE DISTANCE....READY TO RUN MY FIRST MARATHON. NOW I CAN'T. I'M TOLD BY MY DOCTOR TO NEVER DO THAT AGAIN... AT FIRST I CRIED, SOMETIMES I STILL COULD BUT I AM LEARNING THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT AND I CANT CHANGE THE FACTS SO I HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT. OK, SO I CAN DO THIS, I WILL WALK AND JOG. STRAPPED ON MY NEW HEART RATE MONITOR AND HIT THE TREADMILL. 5 MINUTES LATER I HAD TO DROP IT DOWN TO A 4.3 SPEED B/C MY HEART RATE JUMPED INTO THE 155'S. WHAT??? THIS IS NOTHING!!! SO I TRIED A CLASS...OK OK, SO IT WAS CALLED "HOUR OF POWER" MAYBE NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY. JACKIE AND I HIT THE MATS. 5 MINUTES INTO THE CLASS DURING WARM UP I LOOK AT MY WATCH 166! WARM-UP FOLKS!!! I PICKED UP MY MAT, WALKED AWAY AND MY EYES FILLED WITH TEARS. I KNOW, STUPID RIGHT? HOW CAN I BE CRYING WHEN I AM ALIVE!! I WENT BACK TO THE TREADMILL AND WALKED A NICE PACE AND GOT A GRIP OF MY EMOTIONS AND SAID I BETTER SUCK IT UP AND BE THANKFUL AND REJOICE IN THE LORD FOR THE LIFE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN INSTEAD OF FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. NOT LOOKING AT TIME/SPEED/DISTANCE HAS BEEN HARD AND NOW I FOCUS ON ON LITTLE THING, A HEART, ITS MY HEART, AND IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE!!!!
SO I AM ADJUSTING TO SLOWING DOWN, WELL AT THE GYM AT LEAST :)PRAISING GOD FOR WHAT I CAN DO, FOR THE STRENGTH HE HAS GIVEN ME, FOR THE BODY HE HAS GIVEN ME EVEN AS ITS GETTING OLD, GRAY, AND WRINKLY... ITS HARD!!! I DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE YEAR OF LIFE I AM IN, THE FACT THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH, SURGERY, SEDATION'S, PROCEDURES, THAT MY BODY WENT INTO A SHOCK MODE BUT MAN, I AM LOOKING OLD THESE DAYS!!! NO WOMAN I DON'T CARE WHO SHE IS, ENJOYS LOOKING AT THE WRINKLES SETTLING, THE GRAY HAIRS APPEARING, ACNE IN THEIR 30'S! BUT THEN AGAIN, I LOOK AT WHAT I KNOW NOW COMPARED TO THEN AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO CHANGE THAT A BIT....

I THINK ABOUT THE PAST 6 MONTHS AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH IT TO BRING GLORY AND HONOR TO GOD? IF I DO DIE TOMORROW WOULD HE BE HAPPY WITH ME? IT MAKES ME HUMBLE AND HONESTLY FEEL REALLY BAD. HE SAVED MY LIFE HERE ON EARTH A SECOND TIME AND WHAT HAVE I DONE TO SAY THANKS? I LIKE TO THINK THAT I AM A MUCH BETTER PERSON BUT AM I? I THINK SO IN MY HEART, IN MY THOUGHTS AND MY RELATIONSHIP TO THE LORD IS SO MUCH STRONGER BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I AM A BIG FAILURE....DO I RELY ON HIM ONLY WHEN I NEED HIM OR EVERYDAY? DO I RELY ON HIM WITH ALL MY MIGHT WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GOOD OR ONLY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD? I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT THE LIGHT THAT HAS BEEN GLOWING WITHIN MY HEART TO SHINE BRIGHTLY FOR ALL TO SEE SO THAT THEY CAN NOT THINK THAT I AM THIS AWESOME PERSON, B/C I AM NOT, BUT TO SAY, THE LORD CAN WORK MIRACLES AND I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN, THRU TRIALS COME BLESSINGS!!! THRU TRIALS COMES A GREATER KNOWLEDGE OF GOD THE FATHER, SPIRIT AND SON!!! THRU TRIALS I WILL NEVER LOOK AT LIFE THE SAME WAY AGAIN!!! I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING AND EXPERIENCE IT HAS BEEN. BUT IS THAT ONLY B/C I HAD A GOOD OUTCOME? ONLY B/C THINGS ARE GOOD NOW? WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T CHANGE AND I HAD TO SUFFER EVERY DAY WOULD I BE THAT POSITIVE. I CAN ONLY PRAY.

ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER CT AND UNFORTUNATELY I GOT SOME BAD NEWS THIS WEEK....I WENT TO MY NEW PRIMARY DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT THE NICEST MAN TO TALK TOO, BUT I TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT I HAD A HERNIA DEVELOPING IN MY INCISION WHERE I WAS CUT IN MY BELLY. HE TOOK A LOOK AND SAID YUP, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? I ASKED WHAT HE MEANT AND I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY AGAIN TO FIX THAT. NOTHING MAJOR I AM SURE BUT STILL, ANOTHER SURGERY? HE ASKED ME WHERE I WANTED TO HAVE IT DONE. I TOLD HIM THAT I AM NOT DOING A THING UNTIL I TALK TO MY SURGEON IN DETROIT. SO I SENT SOME PICS TO MY SURGEON FROM THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN MY STOMACH WAS LOOKING TERRIBLE! IT WAS SWOLLEN, AND THAT HERNIA WAS LOOKING REALLY BAD. HE EMAILED ME BACK THE OTHER DAY AND SAID THAT HE WAS NOT SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF THE PHOTO: A. EITHER A HERNIA OR B. A COLLATERAL VEIN
WE WILL NOT KNOW UNTIL I HAVE A CT SCAN DONE ON MONDAY. A COLLATERAL VEIN???!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? FEAR IMMEDIATELY SHOOK MY WHOLE BODY AND I WANTED TO CRY BUT THE LORD GAVE ME A NEW PEACE, SOMETHING I NEVER FELT BEFORE. IF THIS "THING" IS A COLLATERAL VEIN THAT MEANS THINGS ARE GOING TERRIBLY WRONG INSIDE AND I AM NOT FIXED AFTER ALL. MILLIONS OF THOUGHTS WENT RUNNING THROUGH MY BRAIN!!!
- SHUNTS ARE MOST LIKELY TO FAIL IN THE FIRST 2 YEARS
- WHEN I LEFT DETROIT I SAID HOW WILL WE KNOW THAT IT ISN'T WORKING? HE SAID THAT I WOULD GET COLLATERAL VEINS "ACCESSORY VEINS" IN MY BELLY. WE CUT THE VEIN GOING TO MY THROAT THAT CAUSED MY INTERNAL BLEED SO NOW IF WE GET BACK PRESSURE THE ONLY PLACE FOR IT TO GO IS TO BUILD AND DEVELOP NEW VEINS IN MY BELLY.
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE
- IF THIS IS A COLLATERAL, WHAT DO I HAVE? ARE WE MISSING SOMETHING? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AND HOW DID I GET THIS? HOW CAN THIS BE?
- IM GONNA HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND KIDS AGAIN!!
WHAT IF THIS, WHAT IF THAT.....MY BRAIN HAS BEEN ON OVERDRIVE AND I AM SCARED. VERY VERY SCARED. BUT THIS TIME I KNOW THE LORD. I KNOW HE IS WITH ME. I KNOW HE FEELS MY PAIN, MY SADNESS, HE WANTS TO COMFORT ME, HE WANTS TO PROTECT ME, HE IS MY EVERYTHING AND I NEED TO GO TO HIM AND COUNT ON HIM FOR ALL THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO RID MY MIND OF BAD IDEAS....WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE WHAT IT IS.....WHATEVER IT IS I HAVE TO FACE IT. I CAN'T RUN OR HIDE AND GOD WILL BE THERE HOLDING MY HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

MOMS FAVORITES OF JAN-JULY 2011

4TH OF JULY, CAMPING IN HOLLAND, MOMS SURGERY, MOVING, FARM LIFE, MY GREATEST BLESSINGS

AUGUST? THAT CAN'T BE!

I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone! I don't know why I am so surprised, but it just doesn't seem fair that when your life is going well and you start fully living life to its fullest and appreciate everything in a new way, it goes faster and faster. Like I say "EACH DAY IS A GIFT" and I sure wish I had the knowledge and Lord in my heart like I do today 10 years ago! But then again, I wouldn't be who I am today and I really have been greatly blessed.

I believe this has been the most amazing, stressful, chaos, saddest and happiest, blessed year I have ever had. I have been on the biggest roller coaster of my entire life all in one year!!! I almost died, sold a house, moved to a rental, had invasive bypass surgery, and bought a new house all within 8 months. I have hit rock bottom and begged for the Lord to do something when all it felt like was trial after trial coming my way, to a place of peace and gratitude.

what have we been doing....Feb, I was hospitalized at Metro with an internal bleed losing 4 units of blood as a result of my disease. That month we also sold our first home and had to be out by the end of the month. March we moved into a rental home in hudsonville. April 11,8 days spent at henry ford in detroit having vascular bypass surgery in attempts to "fix" me. May was spent recovering, crying, pain and suffering, wondering if I would ever feel like Lisa again, praying for the Lord to give me the strength to make it. June, we were led to our new home right by our old one!!! We found a home on 3 acres in the city and when we walked in, we both fell in love and felt like it was the one for us, for our family to stay for a long long time, Dave Ramsey approved! :) July 1 moving day again. We managed to sneak one week of camping in there at holland but we haven't done much due to the new home and enough on our plate. I also managed to break my finger and land back in the hospital due to complications from the break and being on blood thinners.( all b/c of a little broken finger!!!) My wedding ring had to be sawed off and my nail was drilled to relieve pressure from all the blood contained in it. What else can I do to myself? hhhhmmmmmmm....We have been BUSY!!!!!!!!!

Finally I can say we feel like we can take a breathe of relief. Every box has been unloaded, shelves are filled, we all have our own bedrooms again, room to run, ride dirtbikes, sitting in the middle of Gods beautiful nature. We even have had a visit from turkeys, deer, and other snakes and bugs. The kids no longer say they want to go home to the "farm house" and call our house, home. Steve and I will sit up late at night sitting on our couch watching tv looking around and we still can't believe it is our home. It is beautiful! I feel sooooo blessed. Its our greatest dream come true. Its a home just right for the Jongsma's. It doesn't scream "hey look at me, look how BIG I am" and if you didn't know where it was, you would never know it existed. No neighbors to have to "keep up with the jones' all looking at what you got and under constant "eye" as they say. That is great with me! New furniture, new house, lots of room, acreage, room for dads future barn/man cave, dirtbike trails! Its so peaceful and quiet, the scenery is beautiful. It has plenty of work needed: new landscaping, driveway, future hot tub :), rooms need to be painted, trampoline, maybe even a pool someday but that will all come in time, can't have everything! For now, I am just going to spend the last month of summer RELAXING! spending some quality time focusing on my little blessings.

This year I have felt like the worse mom I could ever be. I have been gone, hospitalized, recovering, moving, packing, unpacking, trying to get stuff "done" and I feel like I have totally ignored the kids. Its hard to do it all. I LOVE my kids! They are the greatest blessing ever and this year has been soooo crazy. I know alot of it isn't my fault, but sometimes you just can't help but wonder, if your a bad parent. "just a minute, I can't right now, moms too busy, b/c we can't, b/c we have to get this stuff done so we can live, don't jump on mom, watch out for moms stomach, watch out for moms finger, I'm tired, b/c mom is sick, just b/c mom said so" all words that my kids are probably so sick of hearing this year!!!! Someday I hope they can look back and realize that I did everything I could all for them! I try my best, I know I will fail, but with God, I pray that someday they realize how lucky they were to have mom alive to love them.

All in all a very blessed year in so many ways. The Lord has given me strength I never knew I had. When I smashed my finger some said "do you ever feel like Job?" :) YES!!! I don't know why, but the Lord likes to keep sending trials my way and sometimes He just doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been reading alot about trials, suffering and Gods providence. I feel Him speak to me alot lately, and then I question, what does He want from me? What is HIS purpose for my life? I'm not sure. I could do many things. I love my job and maybe He wants me to learn to witness to my patients b/c I too have been there. Every day that I go to work I pray that the Lord would use me, show His love to those that need it. Smile when someone needs a smile, listen when they want someone to listen, sympathize. Unless you have been there you really don't understand. Just like losing a loved one, spouse, child, injury that affects your whole life, cancer...You cannot understand how it feels unless you have been there and it is a journey I do not wish upon anyone. But I am here. I am alive. I am healed (I think). I have a stronger and alive faith that I never had before. Maybe thats all He wanted. To wake Lisa up. to make me live each day as if it were my last. It has all changed my life FOREVER!!! In soooooooo many good ways, He has blessed me. Thank you Lord. Thank you for my family, my husband, my beautiful children, our new home....For showing me grace when I am so undeserving of it all. I love the Lord with all my heart and I know He is real and alive within me and what a feeling that is!!! I owe all that I am and have to Him.

TURNING TRIALS INTO GLADNESS AND PRAISE?

It is hard to believe that I am back to life, working, mom, wife, we even bought a house! When I think about this year, it is probably the most changing year I have ever experienced. At least I hope it is!! Bleed, hospitalizations, selling our house, moving into the farm house rental, and major surgery, now buying a new house! Wow!

Tomorrow it will be 10 weeks since my surgery and it already seems like years ago. I believe that is the way the Lord protects your mind and memory of the painful times. Look at us moms (or should I say SOME of us that didn't get it easy) we give birth sometimes taking 20+ hours, breaking our pelvis, almost dying and then we decide to do it all over again! The mind tries to erase those memories and time heals....

Have you ever thought about thanking God for sending trials or struggles in your life? Last week was one of the best feeling weeks I had. Really minimal pain and I even was going for walks with the dog and kids, and I had to admit that I am glad that the Lord brought me thru this and got my "attention". Wake up Lisa!!!

You see, for years I think us women spend wasted time and energy, stress and worry about things that DO NOT MATTER! We look at other "things" to fill the voids in our hearts that the Lord puts there for a reason in EVERYONE but that only HE can fill. I was looking for mine in my boyfriends, wishing I was prettier, skinnier, ex-fiances (ya 3 of them:) I call myself the runaway bride and when they didn't make me happy I would toss them aside) my husband, kids, job, friends, and even my own family and when they would let me down I was down. I often wondered why life had to be so hard? I never turned to God in those times NEAR like I should have but thats b/c I didn't really know Him. You can call yourself a christian all your life but if you don't have a relationship with Him, its no good, your life will still be looking downward and you will constantly be chasing something whatever it is, to fill that void.

I can honestly say that I don't have that anymore today. Because I have learned to fill that void with God. Friends have let me down and will contiune to do so, some friends come, some go, jealousy? Envy? Anger? Arguements? I don't know why, but it is a fact of life, women are so hard to get along with! I think that many of them are unhappy. That is why someday I want to write a book called "FINDING YOUR MISSING PEACE" and the cover will be displayed with puzzle pieces. You can look all over this world for that piece: clothes, shopping addictions, alcohol, spouse, children, friends, job success, the cars you drive, the house you live in, the perfect wife, CONSTANTLY trying to impress people. Who cares???? Do You think that if you died tomorrow you would care? Do you think anyone would remember you by that "stuff"? I know they won't! You can try to find all different pieces trying to put your life "together" perfectly, but it will never happen....Until you find the piece "GOD". That my friends is what makes your life complete and will change your life forever, that is when you will experience PEACE. It is awesome!!! You won't care about all the things you used too, and when your spouse lets you down, you will be ok b/c He isn't there to be your everything, quit putting him on a pedestal to fill your every need, God is. When your kids fail, and trust me, no one has perfect little bumbeenos, you will be OK, b/c our God loves you anyways and we aren't measured by what accomplishements we make in life in Gods eyes. Moms are never going to be perfect, we all will have our failures, but we can still keep going with a positive heart b/c we have each other and we have a Lord that loves us more than anything.

I honestly have had a complete transformation of my heart through this whole experience and for the first time ever, I actually said "thank you" to God for allowing it to happen. Some of you reading this might be rolling your eyes and thinking "ya right, whatever", and thats ok! I used to do the same thing when others would talk about the Lord and what He is to them, b/c I didn't understand. Roll your eyes all you want, you don't know me, you don't know my heart and my relationship with the Lord. It is something personal, something that must happen to each person in their own special way, and its possible thru a wide arrange of occurances in your own life if you recognize it! I am a better Lisa, wife, friend, sister, daughter, worker, because of it. Oh sure, I will have my failures, my faults, my sins, I will disappoint others, I am by no means telling you that I can now be perfect and I don't want to be. I want people to accept me for who I am on the inside, Don't judge a book by its cover, you know the saying.... b/c you just might be surprised what you actually find inside if you just allow yourself to try! I will have my struggles, and I will have to work constantly at staying close to the Lord but this time I WANT too. B/c when I am with Him I have peace and it is something that nothing in this world could ever give. I pray that I never forget this journey and what has been done, and the blessings the Lord has shown to me, to try my hardest not to take a day for granted, fill it with complaining, or being "down" b/c I have absolutely NO reason too, but rejoice! Look to the positive in all situations.

Yes I once wondered Why God allowed this to happen to me, It will forever and always be a part of me that I pray will keep me alive, but I know He did it for me b/c He loves me and I needed to learn to love Him. With the Lord we always have Hope. It taught me to rely on Him b/c really we have no one else. Only He can do all things and He reveiled himself to me in soooo many ways that there was no way that I could deny him any longer. I know that I will fail and have valleys again but I also know that I will make it through anything as long as I rely on Him. Where will this journey lead me? No one knows but Him but I believe that the Lord will use this experience for good. I am going to do my best to Share my experience, Serve Him and others (from my patients on my table, to friends, family, church and more), Grow more intimate with Him each day, and allow Him to move me in the direction He wants me to go.

You can do it too! find that missing Peace if you don't have it today! I will help you! Read the truth in the bible b/c it will never let you down, whatelse in this world can do that? All it takes is a single prayer...He will do the rest if you allow Him too.

PRAISE THE LORD FOR ANSWERED PRAYERS!!!!

Thursday May 26 Steve and I left for Detroit for my 1st official followup at Henry Ford to have a CT and meet with my surgeon. I have to admit that pulling in was very eeery and I did not like it. It brought back tons of flashbacks of memories I never want to think about, something I hope and pray I never have to do again. I looked up at the patients windows, some of them looking out and thought, that was me not very long ago....The world keeps on going even when your a patient trapped inside the walls of the hospital for weeks, life goes on. I walked the halls and it felt so weird to be on the "outside again" to be a visitor. I saw some transporters and even the one from my terrible trip to xray and it made me want to cry. Steve asked if I wanted to go see my floor and nurses and I said NO. I never want to see it again. I hated going in that place b/c it filled me with a fear that I have never felt before.

I had my CT and bloodwork done and then came the news, things looked BEAUTIFUL!!!! I have the advantage b/c I can read CT's myself and know what they are supposed to look like and what they are NOT supposed to look like and when my surgeon had my "before surgery" and "post surgery" CTs pulled up on the screen it was the most beautiful thing I have seen since my son was born 3 years ago.

My edges of my liver are now sharp and not hazzy due to the decompression of all the pressure going thru my liver, it is now "breathing" and looking happy. My spleen is shrinking and therefore my left kidney now has a whole new home of its own, b/c before my spleen was sooo large that it was smashing my left kidney b/c it didn't have anywhere to go. My varices "veins in the esophagus" are now disappearing. My surgeon cut the vein feeding my throat therefore those large varicose veins that always needed to be wrapped and scoped (I am sure I had at least 10 scopes done where they go down your throat to look for these "varicose" veins and wrapped them if they looked like they were going to hemorrhage) are almost all gone!!! My artificial shunt/bypass was brightly enhanced with contrast meaning that it is WIDE open :) and as an extra bonus one of the large clots in my main abdomen vein is completely GONE!!! (he said he would charge extra for that one with a wink).

Can you say to God be the glory???!! It was amazing the difference now that the "dam" has been opened and things are flowing as they should be. He decreased my internal pressures perfectly and everything is going back to normal. I have no doubt in my mind that he was pleasantly if not shockingly surprised at how good everything looked inside. I told him that I had tons of people praying for me and that God answers prayer and he didn't know what to say. I have the proof right in front of his very own eyes!!! You cannot tell me that as a surgeon who cuts people open cannot have somewhat of a sense that there must be a GOD out there. Look how amazing we are made, NO ONE exactly the same, each one special in their own way with unique situations, and NO ONE can explain or create the human being but the amazing Lord. To say the least my surgeon was very happy. He looked at my scar, said it looked good, and told me he would see me in 6 months for another MRI this time (reduce the radiation) and see how things are going. I bought him a card and gave him words of thankfulness that the Lord brought him into my life and my case for giving him the knowledge and wisdom to do what it took to "fix" me. I told him that I thanked God for finally leading us to the one that knew what it took and for his compassion and love he showed to me and for taking the time for me, explaining it all so well to me and my loved ones. For the confidence that we were making the right decision...I think he thinks I am a nut job but I don't care!!! Yes I hugged him!

I got in the car and just bawled my eyes out with tears of overwhelming JOY. Praise be to the Lord for healing me, for how beautiful my body looked on the inside. He answered my and many others prayers. I just couldn't begin to even find the words to thank HIM enough, it was a VERY humbling moment for me b/c all I could do is submit my life to the Lord and say thankyou for everything. For keeping me alive, for holding my hand through this terrible journey, thru all the trials and hardships, there was only one promise and that was that God is always good no matter what. If I didn't have that faith, I could have never survived. I am forever grateful to Him for my life, for keeping me on this earth for alittle longer, for placing his almighty healing hand on my body when I thought that I was going to die and would never make it. It was the WORST time of my life I have ever gone thru, and yet here I was 6 weeks after and I was healing and alive, turning around and starting to feel like Lisa again.

I could do nothing but cry tears of Joy and thankfulness. That huge clot is gone? It looked WAY better than I could have ever imagined. I have so much to be thankful for.....trust me, life will NEVER be looked at the same again. It is such a HUGE eye opener that it forever changes who you are and for the better!!

This song brings tears to my eyes all the time, gave me chills the first time I heard it, and is my prayer forever. It could not have come at a better time and this will be my life song of praise and glory to the Lord for helping me through this journey.....It is my life, my heart, WORD FOR WORD....I couldn't say it more perfectly.

Laura Story: Blessings
We pray for blessings, We pray for peace, Comfort for family, Protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, For prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our SUFFERING.
All the while YOU hear each spoken need.
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know YOUR near?

What if trials of this life are YOUR mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, YOUR voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel YOU near.
We doubt YOUR goodness, we doubt YOUR love. As if every promise from YOUR word is not enough. All the while, YOU hear each desperate plead, the longer we have Faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know YOUR near?

What if trials of this life are YOUR mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, This is not our home, its not our home!!!

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know YOUR near? What if my greatest disappointments were the aching of this life is their revealing of a greater thirst this world CANNOT satisfy? And what if trials of this life, the rain that storms, the hardest nights..........
Are YOUR mercies in disguise???

KARLIES PRESCHOOL GRADUATION

Dear Karlie, Tonight you graduated from preschool and I wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. I love you more than anything on this earth and your little life is so precious to me.

Your middle name is so appropriate b/c you have brought so much JOY to me and dad through out the years, and I cannot believe how quickly time passes. It makes me sad to see you growing and getting older each day but each phase of your life has been a great joy and it always seems to get better and better. Promise to love me forever? Pinky promise as we say? :) I pray that we always have a special bond and that you KNOW you can come to me with anything.

You are sooo smart and the memory you have blows me away, sometimes I swear you are smarter than mom!! I knew you should have skipped preschool and gone right into Pre-K like mom had thought!! You just LOVE to sing and most of the time it is songs me and you listen to on wcsg, to see your little face light up with Jesus' love in your heart brings tears to my eyes. I pray that the Lord blesses you greatly, that He protects you from serious sickness or even death.....mom needs to go first ok? I have to learn to let go and let God be in control when it comes to that one and its hard b/c moms just want to protect their babies any way we can!! You are so beautiful that at night I can just snuggle next to you in bed and stare at you b/c you are so beautiful that I can't believe you came from me. You are so sweet and so giving, you share all the time with your little brother, you guide him, protect him and love him so much, your the best of buds....Another prayer answered of mine b/c I only had sisters so I didn't know how you guys would be! But Lukester thinks the world of you too and when you are at school we both miss you alot!

I pray that God keeps you close to give you the wings needed to fly, and that you keep Jesus close to your heart, and I want to see you grow in your faith and believe in Him with all of your heart. I will do my best to see that you do! But I believe God already has filled your little heart b/c I can see His love come out in many ways already. I love you sooooooooooo much and you know what blows me away even more? That GOD loves you more than me! That is alot!

ONLY 5 WEEKS...REALLY???

Yup, thats me. Besides my pouch belly :), I think it looks pretty good, my incision is healing great and there is only one tiny spot that still has a scab trying its best to close.

This will always be a part of me, in a way a reminder of Gods amazing faithfulness to me. I could have never made it thru this journey without Him and when people have hardships and struggles, the promises of the Lord is all we really have to keep us going.

My body is still black and blue, I have pain but its manageable and I don't take any pain medicine b/c the only thing that I can take b/c of bloodthinners in Tylenol and that doesn't even touch it. I have narcotics left but that just puts me out so I deal. Its a pain that is hard to describe. My nerves are gone and I can't even feel my fingers touching my belly its completely numb. I found out that diagonal incisions are the most painful and hardest to heal b/c the muscles and nerves have a harder time reattaching, than a straight across cut. My skin is getting sooo tough that I sometimes can't even find an injection site b/c the needle won't go in, its built up with so much scar tissue, I have welts all over my body, butt and thighs are the only places left. There are days that I hate doing it, but I am constantly reminded that I am alive and should be dead. Slowly my energy is returning and over all I am doing really good all things considering! Thanks for all of your prayers b/c there is NO doubt that it is b/c of them that I am so good today compared to just 2 weeks ago. I have made leaps and bounds and I am rejoicing!!!

I think about that runner of the riverbank that died 1 mile before the finish line and think to myself: that could have been me. The Lord prevented something like that from happening to me but it could have so easily, I was ready to run it, I was ready to challenge myself and go the distance. He stepped in and caused events to force me to quit running and I think of it as a bad thing b/c I love to run, when I should be thanking the Lord for it b/c it probably saved my life.

I have spent my days and nights wide awake lately. My mind just racing all over the place, thinking about what now? Is this going to be it? Is this going to work? Something that has consumed my life for so long and now its done? Will it come back? What is the Lords will for my life and what does He want me to learn from this all? Why did this happen to me? How long has it been growing inside of me and how on earth did I give birth to my children as hard as my deliveries were without dying if this was brewing already then? What a miracle to have my precious children, the love of my life, the sparkle in my eye. I have 2 amazing miracle blessings that I cant' get enough of b/c I am afraid of them losing their mom, yet thankful to the Lord that He kept her around for them even if it is alittle while longer. I lay in bed just STARING at them, its the most beautiful thing, I just wish I could wrap them up and protect them forever. I pray they never remember this time in moms life. It was sooo hard on me being away from them all the time but they are at great ages to be resilient to going all over the place while I need to recover.

Those are all questions I may never know. I must accept it and move on. Choose to live each day as if it were my last. When the kids leave, or Steve leaves, what do I want them to feel and hear if it were to be their last time seeing me? And vice versa...Sure we don't want to think about something happening bad like that but you NEVER know. Why not slow down and savor every minute. Have I been lazy lately, You bet ya I have! But I look around the house and think to myself, who cares if my house is dirty, beds aren't made, windows are printed with little hands of love, if I can snuggle with my 2 little bundles and watch a movie with them I am going to do it! I LOVE snuggling with them and Luke fell asleep in my arms the other day and before I knew it, mom was too and it was AWESOME! I will take that any day over a clean and "perfect" appearing house. Nothing lasts so why not spend the time where it is going to mean the most.

Priorities. Where are yours? Trust me, you never know when the Lord may have something happen and you won't be able to go back so PLEASE start today and make your priorities count, not according to worldly values but to the good Lords. It is my job and I take pride in preparing my little ones for what really matters in life and I am going to try to do the best job I can!