REVIVE my Heart

So I went to a conference this past weekend with some great girls from my church,  the conference was called True Women lead by Nancy Leigh DeMoss one of my favorite authors.  I have to be honest and tell you that for WEEKS my heart was telling me I didn't want to go, the money wasn't there, I didn't want to be away from my family, I have way too much going on, I don't know the girls very well going and it will be uncomfortable....So the ways of Satan trying to sneak in those "subtle" untruths and get me to back out.  BUT I went and I LOVED IT!!!!!!  It was the best thing I have ever done in a VERY long time.  I have never gone to a conference like this, not a Christian conference and especially never one with 10,000 women are you kidding me!!  In the past I would have run as far away from that place as possible!!! :)

I so wish that I could just write everything that was said, express the overwhelming heaviness of emotions, and the power of the Holy Spirit in that place!!!  I wish I could just jump up and down and tell you how REAL and true the work of the Lord was in that place!!!  I took away soooo much more than I would have ever thought.  Starting the very first step in the door.....My heart was not ready to be opened, broken, stomped on, crushed, and then so revived all at the same time how is that possible!!!  Go ahead, roll your eyes, its ok, I am so at peace about that too now, b/c nothing can persuade me from believing the truth about Christ and only HE knows what is in my heart, He knows....I wish you did too, I pray with an earnest heart that you will SEEK him.  If you don't know Him or have a personal relationship with Him, all I can say is pray to Him and ask Him to reveal himself to you in ways that only He can do, and seek Him, look for Him, He WILL show himself to you!

I didn't get it either.  If someone would have talked to me, the way that I do sometimes, I would have rolled my eyes and thought "seriously, she is whacked!".  I had no clue!!  I was so delusional I thought I was fine! I called myself a christian but I wasn't a REAL one.  Whats the difference?  I now KNOW and live with Christ.  I have a relationship with Him and I love Him.  I WANT to be with Him and do His will and follow Him.  I LOVE reading my bible and hated doing it in the past b/c I didn't get "it"!!  YES I grew up in a christian home, went to christian school and had christian parents, went to church....yes I even made profession of faith but it all meant NOTHING to me.  I was going through the motions and looking at it as a set of rules "do's and don'ts" and living a checklist life, going to church b/c I thought I HAD too, it looked good, I was a good person, thats what good christians do. 

It honestly did not hit me and become REAL to me until just 5 years ago.  The year 2007.  I was pregnant with my son and I can remember clear as day sitting in my car, crying about my marriage "thinking HE was the problem and how hard marriage was and why did it have to be this hard, why wasn't He making me happy, why wasn't it like a dreamy fairytale, why couldn't HE change...." Really Lord?  Is this all there is to life?  This is it?  This sucks.  If YOU are real, you need to show me.  If this is "it" then you need to show me.  Are you real?  I don't even know if you are. 

AND THEN IT HAPPENED!!!! 

Was I ready for Him to reveal himself to me in the way that He planned?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!  But He had it planned, HE knew what it was going to take for ME.  Does it have to be that way for you?  I pray not.  May it just come naturally to you, I sure hope it does or did!  It is going to be different for each and every single one of us on this earth.  Your story will be different than mine, and God intended for it to be that way.  You might be 10, 20 50 or 80 and Finally "get it" that is FINE, He reveals Himself to us in ALL different ways and at different times.  For me, it was the age of 30.  For the sinner on the cross next to Christ, it was on his last day of earth, but it happened and that is all that matters.

The first way was God leading us to find my brother, Yes in 2007 when I was searching, the IMPOSSIBLE happened.  Through my job, through me, through a wonderful guy named Kevin Cook, we found my brother who was given up for adoption in 1969.  At the conference a lady asked if God ever moved you to a point of speechlessness.  THIS was definitely one of those moments.  Its a long story, one in which I would love to tell you about right now but that was just the tip of the beginning in this stubborn heart.  Ask me anytime and I will gladly tell you all about it.

Then one year after my little buddy Luke entered this world, I got sick.  VERY sick.  I was inflicted with a disease and to this day no one knows why or what....I have gone through 30+ hospitalizations, treatments, surgeries, procedures, doctors, traveled to Cleveland clinic, U of M, Detroit....I was very physically sick and God knew that I was spiritually sick as well.  Over the past 4 years I was crushed, stomped on, alone, fearful, scared, angry, bitter, questioned, and cried out to the Lord in a desperate cry of infliction and of need.  BUT HE showed me who HE was and He was with me the whole time.  He never left my side, the Lisa I knew before died, and He gave life to a new and improved one!!!  Tears stream down my face as I write this b/c I cannot express to you the brokenness that I felt but also the brokenness that I DESERVED!!!!!  I was a rotten apple.  I was full of worms.

"Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:19-23

BROKENNESS lead to a REPENTANT HEART and He FORGAVE me which lead to a life of FREEDOM and amazing LOVE and therefore my heart can do nothing but REJOICE AND WORSHIP.  My life has and never will be the same.  I lost my life to find a life in Him!!!!

Here are some of the most impacting words I heard and took home with me from the conference:

• God was seeking me the whole time, my whole life, all of it was His plan, but He wanted ME to seek Him in return
• I had to recognize a need (my life/heart was empty) I was filling my life with everything BUT Christ.  I wanted Steve to be my Christ, make me happy, fulfill my needs (noone can do that!! What pressure I was placing on Steve!!! He wasn't the one that needed to change it was me!!  I was not making room for CHRIST on my platform of life.  I was conformed to this way of the world placing value on (Steve, my kids, my stuff)  I was living under the authority of Lisa. Living a life full of bondage and there are consequences if we do not live the way God desires.  (I thought I could get away with it)  I didn't even think or know I was sick!!!
• I was not seeking Him (that is the key part to salvation I believe, when we finally seek Him in return)
• I was living a life full of self-sufficiency thinking that I could do all things, relying on my strength and not that of God's (duh....I think He is way more powerful!!!) don't limit His power!!
• If we are not seeking Him we are FORSAKING Him
• Christ sees my heart, knows my heart, and wants to have a relationship with me.  Sometimes I wonder why!!!  I am so undeserving!!!
• I need to tend to my heart and maintain it daily by praying and staying in His word, Seeking His face daily in all I do.  I AM JUST IN NEED TODAY AS I WAS THEN!!!  I don't deserve anything, I deserved death.  We all do!  Makes me think of that song by Casting crowns "who am I? That the Lord of all the earth, would choose to know my name!  Not because of who I am but because of what HES done!!"  oh I love that song!!!
• Transformation needs to start with me.  It will then spread into all I have and do.  I want others to see Christ through my life and how I live.  In response to a life of thanksgiving and praise!
• I don't want to give God the left overs in my life.  I owe Him soooo much and give Him so little!! I want to allow Christ to blow my mind away again.  I don't want to contain Him in my little box and make Him small.  He can speak and it happens, why do I limit Him!!!
• I need to remind myself daily that I am in need today.  I need Christ, He forgave me for sooo much, He saved me in sooo many ways.  I need to live a life for Him.
• Pray, seek, read, and like a great friend of mine said "don't make it a checklist and a thing of pressure!!!"  I am making it tooooo hard b/c I feel like I owe Him so much.  But when your doing laundry, taking the kids to school, in the car, SING!  That too can be a song of prayer and also one of thanksgiving!  Hold His hand that is ALL HE WANTS US TO DO!!!! 
• My book "finding your missing PEACE" this is what its all about.  Finding Christ, finding that missing piece in your life that you are trying to fix with all the wrong things!  Until you make that piece Christ, you will NOT have peace!!!!"

Revival, it all begins with me, and it has begun in this stubborn old heart and IT WILL CONTINUE ON!!!!  That my friends, is a true Joy that can only be found in Christ our Lord!!!!

Have you Ever?

Today for some reason, I woke up grieving that I can't have any more kids....I wonder why today?  I try to tell myself to be thankful to the Lord for the 2 amazing beautiful blessing that He gave me, but then I start feeling sorry for myself and my heart longs to know why it (my disease) had to happen to me...I would love to have more.  Maybe its b/c I had to work yesterday and with school starting the kids were in bed and sleeping before I made it home.  This makes my heart so heavy b/c I go a whole day without seeing them!!!  So I just sit on the side of the bed and just stare at their beautiful little faces, so peaceful, so precious, and I pray over them, thanking God for them and praying for His grace and wisdom to fill their little hearts for a life for Him.  Parenting isn't about Me, its about God, and the Lord knows I need all the grace and wisdom to do it well for Him. 

Maybe it is is because Lukester goes to school this week.  My little buddy that I LOVE to have home with me, that I can't stand to be away from, hardly ever are unless its work, I will now be alone.  Some of you might think I am crazy and enjoy the time alone, but I don't, I know I will adjust, but its just different.  My kids are what I invest my time in, and I love being there for them.  I often think about quitting my job just so that I can be there for them all the time, so I can take them to school every day, pick em up, wait for em by the bus stop and see their smiling faces....It is a God given role and responsibity to be #1 a mate for Steve and his helper #2 to raise my children #3 to take care of the home.  I never want one of those areas to suffer because of a job.  If you fill it with too much of one thing, something else will suffer, I don't want it to be my family.

Then I have been thinking about the word: assumptions/judgement/ and just plain old differences.  We are all different, all have different upbringing, all have had different situations, paths, interactions....you name it.  Assumption: An assumption is something we take for granted or presuppose. Usually it is something we previously learned and do not question. It is part of our system of beliefs. We assume our beliefs to be true and use them to interpret the world about us.  There are a variety of possible meanings to the situations around us, but yet MANY think that their way is right.  For example, am I “relaxing” or “wasting time, who decides what wasting time is?” Am I being “determined” or “stubborn?” Am I “joining” a conversation or “butting in?” Is someone “laughing with me” or “laughing at me?” Am I “helping a friend” or “being taken advantage of?” Every time we interpret our actions and the actions of others we do so on the basis of our assumptions. Humans make hundreds of assumptions without knowing it---without thinking about it.  We don't take the time to think outside ourselves!!!!  Trust me, I am not saying that I am not guilty of making assumptions or passing judgement onto others wrongly, I have.  But I try my best, with the Lords help, to look at others as a "whole", dig alittle deeper into their personality before assuming the way they are, just by outward appearance.  Trust me, when I have done that in the past, I have missed opportunity to meet and make friends with some amazing people I am sure!

For example: Have you ever rolled your eyes at a mother of 1 or 2?  Maybe even 3 or 4 depending on how many You have?  It amazes me to hear the things that people "say" verbally or non, when they ask "how many kids do YOU have?" if its any less than they have, you can sometimes see the eyes rolling b/c YOU have it so much easier than they do.  What about the great old saying "you have the perfect family, one of each or two of each..."  I would love to say, "Oh because if the Lord gave me 2 or 4 of the same our family would be seen as less in His eyes?"  Please....What if that mother wants more and can't have em, have you ever thought about that?   Or have you ever rolled your eyes at the woman for ordering a salad and eating healthy b/c it is important to them or b/c they have diabetes, while you think its all about being skinny and because you don't order that way?  So since when is ordering a salad a bad thing?  You could too, and if you had diabetes you would be forced to eat differently.  What about thinking someone is so perfect and secretly hating them or wishing that something bad would happen to them.  Believe me, I KNOW their are people out there that are this way b/c they have told me!  No one is perfect.  We all have our problems, you have no idea what goes on in their lives or what they have been through.  Have you ever talked bad about someone else or purposely tried to be "less nice" to them just b/c they have it better than you do, at least that is what you think?  Is this what Christ would do? Who's standards are you comparing it too?

I am sorry but lately I just think the world is losing it.  It is getting further and further away from the Lord and people are selfish, the world revolves around them only, they are rude, mean, and all for reasons that are usually ridiculous.  Grow up.  Get God in your life people!  Sometimes I don't know how people survive out there when they seem soooo stressed out!  Life is hard.  Nowhere will you ever see it written that life is going to be easy.  I absolutely LOVED this bookmark that my mom just gave me, it says,

 "If you want rainbows, you have to have rain.  In a perfect world everything would go right and life would be filled with sweet warm and fuzzy feelings. But how would we know if things are good if we had no comparison?  Without the darkness would we appreciate the light?  Seem to me if we want rainbows, we have to have rain, the trick is, to look for the good in every situation so go and find some puddles and play in the rain!"in Order to have rainbows, you must first have rain.  If you don't experience bad times how would you know when things are really good?  As Christians, lets jump in the puddles together.

If life went exactly the way YOU wanted it too, would you really need to depend and know God?  This world would be even worse, I can't imagine my life any other way, God planned it, Not me, Thank the LORD!!!!

Your life is completely different than mine, and yours from mine, but it is the path that God has lead each of us on.  Why be mad about it?  Do you think that is going to help the problem?  Why keep wishing your life was this way or that way....Be where you are today.  Thats where God wants you to be, and what are you going to do with it?  Thats enough for today..... :)